Remembering Ellie, page 7
‘No yearning to become a mother at all? I mean, you don’t need a man these days, apart from for the obvious, but your biological clock’s not spurring you on, is it?’ Ellie smiled. She couldn’t imagine Fran as the motherly type.
‘You’re joking! I have enough trouble looking after myself – I’d never cope with a baby!’ Fran rolled her eyes in the familiar way Ellie remembered; she hadn’t changed a bit. ‘I have a smart little flat near the river, close to York centre and convenient for the nightlife. My job’s a bit dull, but the money’s okay. Perhaps I’ll get tired of my life in the future, but things are just great for now. Maybe you’d like to come for a night out with me sometime, let your hair down again and forget all these problems?’ Fran looked eager for Ellie to agree, but her friend shook her head.
‘Sorry, but I’m not ready for going out yet. There’s so much on my mind, and socialising isn’t easy at the moment. But I do appreciate your visit today and the offer. Can we keep in touch, Fran? I don’t want to lose you again.’
‘Course we can. Anytime you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m your girl.’ Fran smiled and patted her friend’s hand, but there was a strange light in her eyes which puzzled Ellie.
Chapter Thirteen
With Grace’s careful nurturing, Ellie took only a few days to begin to feel much stronger, physically if not mentally. Eating well and getting plenty of rest, combined with religiously sticking to the exercise plan the physio had given her, was beginning to pay off, and she silently blessed her mother’s ministrations.
Grace was also the one to solve the dilemma of Sam’s care. Having lost so much time off work while his wife was in hospital, Phil was keen to get back to some kind of normality, no longer wishing to take advantage of his boss’s kindness and understanding, but childcare remained a problem. For Ellie, the thought of having sole charge of her son in a house she no longer recognised was understandably a scary prospect. Grace, with her quiet unassuming wisdom, suggested her grandson should spend his days at their house where she and Ellie could care for him together, a compromise which would allow Phil to return to work and keep Sam happy too.
Ellie jumped at her mother’s suggestion, finding it the ideal solution, and the compromise it offered went a long way to alleviating the guilt she felt at not caring for Sam in his own home. Although he was a placid, cheerful baby, she had no experience of looking after such a young child, or none which she could remember at least, and was fearful of not being up to the task. Having her mother on hand to help was the perfect resolution to the immediate problem.
Phil arrived at 8am sharp the following Monday, juggling two bags in one hand and steadying his son, who was balanced precariously on his hip, with the other, Phil’s cheerfulness incongruous so early in the morning. Sam was eager to be on his feet, so his daddy propped him against the sofa, allowing him a moment to steady himself, and the little boy very soon and unwittingly had everyone in the room smiling. Grace and Derek chattered to their grandson, completely smitten with him, while Ellie was left to see Phil out. An awkward moment occurred at the door when he moved forward to kiss her goodbye, an automatic gesture, but he stopped himself in time and handed over a key to their house instead.
‘You should have this in case you decide to take Sam home.’ He looked solemnly into Ellie’s eyes, yet she didn’t commit to doing so. It would feel like intruding, although she silently acknowledged she’d have to go there again at some point in the future, and not simply to visit.
‘How about a shopping trip?’ Grace suggested after Phil left, thinking Ellie needed cheering up. ‘Sam loves to be out and about and it’s such a lovely day. Phil’s left the car seat and we’ve got the buggy, so what do you say?’
‘Yes, why not?’ It seemed preferable to staying in the house for the whole day.
A little over an hour later, mother, daughter, and son walked down The Shambles in York city centre. It was still early and the shops were relatively quiet, so pushing the buggy was an easy enough exercise, although not always the case on such narrow pavements and cobbled streets. Derek had declined the offer to accompany them, citing jobs which couldn’t wait in his beloved garden.
Ellie loved York city, the atmospheric buildings and eclectic mix of old and new made it a place she never tired of. Pushing Sam was an unfamiliar experience or at least one she couldn’t remember. Still, he appeared not to notice a novice was in charge and was happy enough, enjoying the attention of both his mother and grandmother. Sam chattered incessantly, burbling indistinguishable words and pointing at the bright shop windows. Later, he enjoyed a bowl of pasta when they decided to go into the Spurriergate Centre on Coney Street for a sandwich.
‘It’s a treat to be out shopping with nothing in particular to buy, just a good old browse around,’ Grace said. Ellie nodded, aware of the many hours her mother must have spent at the hospital over the last month and the inevitable anxiety they would have presented. Shopping would have been the last thing on her mind.
‘Then let’s treat ourselves to something nice, Marks and Spencer’s, do you think?’
‘Why not?’ Grace grinned at the mention of her favourite shop.
The day turned out to be both relaxing and enjoyable, with the two women treating themselves to some of the new season’s fashions and Grace unable to resist a cute little jacket and a sunhat for her grandson.
Sam, more used to his grandma’s company than his mother’s over the last few weeks, chose to reach out to his mummy when he wanted to be picked up, which surprised and delighted Ellie. It was a good feeling and confirmation of the bond which she and Sam were rediscovering. The little boy must have found it strange to visit the hospital and see his mother prone and unresponsive, but she was back, and their relationship was on track to being restored.
By early afternoon, Ellie was waning and ready to head home, where Derek waited with the kettle on to make afternoon coffee and express mock horror at the number of purchases they’d accumulated. Sam slept on the short journey home and was now ready to play again, demanding his mother’s attention which she gladly gave. Grace, ever mindful of practicalities, disappeared into the kitchen to prepare a meal for them all, Phil included.
If anything, the day, although undoubtedly enjoyable, served to confuse Ellie. The recent visit from Fran had implanted all sorts of thoughts into her head – did she really want to be a wife and mother, or could this be her opportunity to carve out a new life for herself? Fran was single by choice; unencumbered would probably be how she’d describe it, but was this what Ellie wanted? On waking from the coma, learning she was a wife and mother came as a huge shock, and the responsibility of both roles weighed heavily on her mind. Did she want to step back into Ellie Graham’s life? But then, this first day with Sam, caring for his needs and seeing the trust in his eyes, melted her heart. Perhaps with Fran, she’d been thinking like the eighteen-year-old she’d initially thought herself to be, and now the more mature Ellie was emerging. Which one did she identify with, which one did she want to be? It was too soon to know – too soon to decide.
After a relaxed family meal, when it was time for Phil to take their son home, Ellie felt a pang of something she couldn’t quite describe, an almost physical pain at the separation from Sam which quite took her breath away. Later, tired but unable to sleep, she anticipated seeing her son again the following day and silently acknowledged to herself which Ellie she wanted to be.
Chapter Fourteen
The following morning, Ellie had an early hospital appointment which she insisted on attending alone, declining offers to accompany her from both Phil and Grace, and remaining determined not to be mollycoddled by those who loved her, well-intentioned though they might be.
Ellie did, however, allow her dad to drive her there – getting behind the wheel of a car was something she couldn’t yet contemplate and was low on the list of Ellie’s priorities. Grace happily remained at home with Sam, who, to Ellie’s surprise started to cry when she left the house with her father.
There was very little for Ellie to report to Mr Samms and certainly no progress regarding recovering her memory. Wondering if the doctor would have any suggestions to move her progress along, Ellie tried to remain hopeful for a breakthrough.
Mr Samms’ office was warm and comforting, not as clinical as Ellie expected it to be. A bookshelf crammed with hefty tomes of medical books filled one wall while a desk beneath the window held more personal items. A photograph of a pretty woman with two children, presumably his family, took pride of place on the green leather surface, and a flip-over calendar made by a child with crayoned images of a house and stick trees brought a smile to her face. Ellie already liked Mr Samms, and these personal items endeared him to her even more, somehow portraying him as profoundly human and approachable. The neurologist’s big personality was engaging too, and his physical bulk, which somehow suited him, elicited a feeling of safety. The doctor greeted her warmly.
‘How are you doing, Ellie?’ His smile held genuine concern and brought a lump to her throat.
‘I’d love to say I’m doing well, but that’s not the case. I still can’t remember a thing about the last ten years, and I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will.’ Her look of utter dismay appeared to touch Richard Samms.
‘You have to give yourself time, you know, it’s not long since you left hospital and far too early to jump to such conclusions. Anyway, isn’t it the doctor who should be offering a prognosis? Now, tell me what you’ve been doing since we last saw you.’
‘Well, I moved in with my parents, which we thought was for the best at the time and I’m still there. I’ve visited my own home, but there were no memories triggered by the house, my husband or my son. It’s got to the point where I honestly don’t know what to do next and I’m beginning to lose sleep over it. I can’t go on hiding at my parents’ home forever but facing up to the reality of my life is rather scary – it’s all so odd.’
‘Try not to look at it as hiding, Ellie, but recuperating. You’re still very much in recovery and the brain is such an unpredictable, sensitive organ. I can certainly prescribe something to help you sleep, not a sleeping pill as such but a muscle relaxant; it’s completely non-addictive so there’s nothing to worry about in the longer term. If you manage to sleep better, the days may not seem so stressful.’
‘Thank you, that sounds good.’
Mr Samms turned away and tapped on his computer keyboard. ‘I’ll give you a short-run prescription. It’s only a low dose so you can take two if one doesn’t have the desired effect, and if they suit you, you can get a repeat prescription from your GP.’ He swung his chair back to face her. ‘Other than that, there’s always the counselling option which I mentioned before, or we could try hypnosis?’
‘Hypnosis?’ Ellie was surprised. ‘Would it help me to get my memory back?’
‘It’s occasionally used as a tool to assist in the recovery of forgotten experiences, but because a traumatic event caused your amnesia, your brain may still block the memory of the accident and may be unable to process memories from before that time too. There’s also a risk of hypnosis implanting false memories and therefore not being reliable.’ Richard Samms paused, allowing his patient to take in his words. ‘Another option we could try is something called Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing, or EMDR. This aims to integrate the two hemispheres of the brain in an attempt to assist recalling events and would be undertaken during a series of sessions.’ Mr Samms paused again. ‘It’s entirely up to you, Ellie. You don’t have to commit to anything yet, it’s still very early. You have a good grasp of your situation and I wouldn’t want to press you to try anything with which you were uncomfortable.’
‘Hypnosis appeals on one level, to be able to go into a trance of some sort and wake up remembering everything sounds fantastic, but I shouldn’t think it’s that simple, is it?’ she asked hopefully.
‘Not really, there are no guarantees with any treatment we might try,’ Mr Samms confirmed.
‘To me,’ Ellie continued, ‘the downside of hypnosis is that it would be like being unconscious again, and I need to be fully conscious and in charge of the present. The past is a mystery to me, so being in control of the present is important. Does that make sense?’
‘Absolutely. The best outcome would be to remember naturally and given time it still could happen. I understand how difficult it must be to live a life which is unfamiliar but I know you have great support from your parents so make use of that. Avoid stress where possible and get plenty of rest. Hopefully, the Trazadone will help you to sleep and come to see me again in six weeks.’
Derek Watson was waiting in the car park, studying the latest edition of The York Press. He smiled when he saw Ellie approach the car and leaned over to open the passenger door for her.
‘Everything okay?’ he asked.
‘As expected,’ she grimaced, ‘it’s early days to embark on any treatment, and I’m not sure I fancy the suggestions he made anyway, but he’s given me something to help me sleep.’
‘Well, you haven’t been long, so do you want to go straight home or would you like dropping off somewhere else?’
‘No, let’s get home, shall we? I’m sure Sam’s settled by now but I don’t like to think of him missing me.’ It would have been more truthful for Ellie to admit she was missing her son.
Chapter Fifteen
Wednesday followed much the same pattern as Monday and Tuesday, with Phil bringing Sam to Ellie before work, and it turned out to be equally as pleasant. Ellie took her son out in the buggy in an effort to give Grace and Derek some time and space to themselves, something which had become a rarity for them during the last couple of months. Mother and son headed to the park, where Ellie used to play as a child.
Long-ago images of happy times with her mother brought a smile to her lips; Grace was a stay-at-home mum for most of Ellie’s early years, only returning to work herself when she felt her daughter was ready. Being a teacher offered Grace the advantage of being around for the school holidays with Ellie, who remembered long, sunny days here in this park. Picnics at the river and many other simple pleasures which served to draw mother and daughter together, a close bond which remained strong throughout her childhood.
And now Ellie was a mother herself, which seemed almost unbelievable in the confusing times through which she was presently living. Watching Sam enjoying the swings and hearing his deep throaty laugh delighted her so much she wondered about the other joys of motherhood which were now lost to her. There was the birth itself, those precious early days of holding a newborn baby and introducing him to family and friends. The tender, quiet moments of feeding him herself were forgotten, of holding him to her breast and the special bond it would have brought to them both. Ellie didn’t even know when Sam’s first tooth came through, although Phil insisted it was early, or when he started to crawl. She even regretted those broken nights and feelings of exhaustion – there was so much she may never remember – it didn’t seem at all fair. For a few moments, Ellie silently railed at the injustice, but being angry was never productive, and soon her pragmatic side took over.
Leaving the park, Ellie determined to dwell on the more positive aspects of her present life and top of the list was being with her son. There was no denying that she was overwhelmed by a powerful feeling of love towards him which must indeed have come from the time before the accident, a bond which more than a few days of being together would develop.
With these thoughts rattling around in her mind on the way home, and as Sam slept happily in the buggy, Ellie was encouraged about her relationship with Phil. Perhaps, if she could feel like this about their son, there was hope for her marriage too? Turning into the drive of her parents’ home, she made a decision, one she knew would certainly please Phil and one she felt was right, the next step forward. From tomorrow she would look after Sam in his own home, in their home. It would certainly be better for Sam, and she was surprised at how good making this decision felt. Could it be a sign of turning some sort of corner? And if she could feel like this about her son, would it simply be a matter of time before it was the same with Phil?
Again, Ellie experienced an awful wrench when it was time to say goodbye to Sam and surrender him into his father’s care for the night, a feeling which confirmed her decision that looking after her son in his own home was the right one. As expected, Phil was ecstatic at the suggestion, and her parents were pleased too, viewing it as a positive step. Perhaps, Ellie conjectured, she could even at some point pick up her ‘new’ life even if her memory didn’t return? The thought wasn’t as abhorrent to her as it had been a couple of weeks ago when she couldn’t even have entertained such an idea.
On Thursday morning, Ellie woke with a seed of doubt in her mind; had she done the right thing in offering to look after Sam at home? Was it still too early? But by the time she’d showered and dressed, those intrusive, negative thoughts had dispelled and her confidence was restored. Applying her make-up with a little more care than usual, Ellie wondered if the effort was for Sam or Phil. Whatever, she went downstairs with a light heart, the tablets Mr Samms had prescribed were working well and she felt refreshed and happy at the thought of the day ahead with her son.
Another thing Ellie would need to tackle soon was driving. Phil assured her she’d been driving for years but her eighteen-year-old mind couldn’t remember being in control of a car. Her only memories were of a few driving lessons as a teenager; taking her test and driving daily were lost entirely in the fog of her brain. Phil offered to take her out in her car – she apparently owned a Mini Cooper, which she’d seen and admired in the garage on her visit, but for now, there were more important matters on which to concentrate. Yet not driving meant relying on others for lifts, and this morning, Derek was going to drive her to her home.
