Remembering Ellie, page 11
Dave, visibly surprised at this response, gathered his wits enough to retort, ‘Don’t think I can be dismissed so easily, my lovely, we have a history, you and I, and there are things we need to discuss. Now, will you agree to meet me next Thursday when I’m off, or shall I come in and begin by telling your mother what her precious daughter gets up to when she’s bored?’
Ellie’s heart pounded so much she felt sure it could be heard outside her body. Feeling trapped, she needed time to think, to work out how to get rid of this vile man. ‘All right, I’ll be in the park at ten thirty on Thursday morning, with Sam, at the swings.’ She glanced round to see if her mother was within hearing distance, which fortunately was not the case. Dave grinned again, moving his eyes slowly up and down her body, making her flesh crawl. Turning to leave, he had the audacity to blow a kiss, at which point Ellie firmly closed the door.
‘Who was that, dear?’ Grace asked, coming from the kitchen with two steaming cups of coffee.
‘It was a neighbour wanting to see Phil about something. I told him he was at work.’
‘Odd, you’d think he would know that.’
‘Hmm.’ Ellie felt only mild relief at having managed to stall Dave today. As he seemed persistent, she’d have to think up some way to deal with this awful man. Perhaps she could explain to him that if they had been having an affair, it was a mistake and would have to end. But would that be tantamount to admitting an affair, and Ellie wasn’t wholly convinced he was telling the truth. Having Grace around bought a few days’ reprieve, but on the flip side, there was more time to worry about what might, or might not have been going on before the accident. It would be a long week – could she handle the pressure?
By mid-afternoon, Ellie decided she needed some help and the only person she could think of to confide in was her GP, Carol Hudson. ‘Mum, I think I will make an appointment to see the doctor. Will you look after Sam if I can get one?’
‘Of course, love, but it might not be for a few days, the doctors are always in great demand.’
Ellie rang all the same and managed to get a cancellation for early the following morning, and knowing she’d be able to speak to someone eased her anxiety to some degree.
After lunch, Grace insisted her daughter went upstairs to lie down and surprisingly, Ellie fell into a deep sleep. On waking, she heard Phil’s voice downstairs and a quick look at her watch told her he was home early. Dashing downstairs, the scene she then witnessed nearly broke her heart.
Phil and Sam were down on the rug on all fours, heads swaying from side to side with a pile of cushions in between them. To anyone watching this impromptu game of peek-a-boo between father and son, it would have raised a smile, if not all-out laughter. But to Ellie, the scene playing out before her tugged at something deeper within, causing her to gasp and swallow hard to stem the threatening tears. It was a bittersweet cocktail of emotions, fear, self-loathing, but also love. Love for her son, who’d stolen her heart in such a short space of time, but also for Phil.
I love him. The words, although not spoken aloud, brought with them such a tangle of emotions that Ellie felt weak.
How could I have risked hurting these two beautiful people? I must have been mad.
The thought elicited such pain. Ellie turned away, making some feeble excuse to leave the room. Phil had come home early, concerned about his wife, yet not picking up on the anguish she felt, he continued with the game, delighting in his son’s laughter and evident joy.
Ellie busied herself in the kitchen. Grace had brought a dish of chicken casserole, enough for three days – or a small army – and Ellie lifted it into the oven and proceeded to set the table for their meal. Inevitably, thoughts of Dave intruded into her mind and a sickening feeling of disgust, not only for him but for herself too, washed over her. Whatever had caused her to enter into a relationship with another man was now unfathomable. Was her marriage not a happy one? If not, then her parents and even Phil himself had undoubtedly not picked up on it. Or had she actually had feelings for Dave, which led her down the disastrous path of an affair?
If one thing was clear it was that it needed sorting out, and quickly too. Rightly or wrongly, Ellie had agreed to meet Dave on the following Thursday, a meeting she dreaded but must go through with, or risk the alternative of her husband finding out. Ellie was at a loss to know how the meeting would go or what on earth she would say to Dave. Could he be reasoned with and accept that whatever had transpired between them was in the past and she had absolutely no desire to continue any kind of relationship? Or would he insist on carrying on their illicit affair, forcing her to choose him, or letting Phil find out how badly she’d behaved?
There were too many questions without a single answer. If Dave felt anything at all for her, perhaps he would leave her in peace? Yet judging from their last encounter, she could expect nothing as chivalrous from him. It was a mess, a complete and utter disaster, apparently of her own making, and now there was so little time to find a solution to a problem which Ellie didn’t fully understand.
Chapter Twenty-Two
‘Make sure you tell the doctor about these headaches you’re getting,’ Grace reminded Ellie as she prepared for her visit to the surgery the following morning. Ellie opted to take a taxi, declining her father’s offer of a lift as it was so early and hoping for a bit of time to herself to allow her to put things into perspective and decide precisely what to tell her GP. She didn’t relish telling the doctor the real reason for her anxiety but the knowledge that Carol Hudson was bound by confidentiality was a comfort, meaning she wouldn’t need to be too guarded in what she said.
Ellie had warmed to the doctor on her previous visit; the woman’s friendly, open demeanour relaxed her, and surely in her profession, she’d be unshockable by now. A doctor must hear all sorts of weird tales. It would be good to discuss her unsettling feelings with someone who didn’t know her well and therefore had no expectations of her, but, more importantly, someone she didn’t have to be afraid of hurting. Inside, Ellie’s mind was in turmoil. She felt utterly wrecked.
Carol Hudson was a little surprised to see Ellie again and it didn’t go unnoticed that the younger woman had lost some of the sparkle and positivity evident at their last meeting. Wearing no make-up and with eyes framed by dark circles, Ellie’s expression was melancholy.
‘Hi there, it’s good to see you again.’ Carol’s smile received little response but she let the silence hang between them for a moment; sometimes quiet can be soothing, and Ellie certainly looked as if she needed a little tranquillity. After a few moments, Carol asked softly, ‘What can I do for you today, Ellie?’
For the first time, Ellie looked up, a brief moment of eye contact before turning away to draw in a deep breath.
‘Perhaps you could tell me how you’re feeling?’ Carol tried again.
‘To be honest, I wish I was dead!’
This edgy, almost angry voice was so different from the Ellie of her last appointment, but Carol simply asked, ‘Can you tell me why?’ A few more moments of silence stretched out between them, which the doctor felt could become a wedge separating them, yet still, she waited until Ellie was ready to talk.
‘I don’t know who I am anymore.’ Ellie’s voice was quieter, laden with grief. More silence filled the little room.
Carol was the one to speak next. ‘Is this to do with the amnesia, or has something else happened more recently to make you feel this way?’
Ellie’s eyes widened, and as she lifted her head there was an expression almost approaching fear etched on her face. ‘I’m sorry, perhaps I shouldn’t have come. This is hardly a medical issue.’
‘As I said before, if I can help, I’ll be happy to do so and I assume your dip in mood has something to do with the amnesia?’
‘In a way, yes. I’ve been confronted with something – something awful which makes me feel the “me” before my accident may not have been a very nice person. It appears I’ve done things which I now feel ashamed of but apparently didn’t at the time. I was beginning to like my life too – my baby, my husband.’ The tears began to fall and great sobs shook Ellie’s whole body. Carol moved beside her patient and slid an arm around the younger woman’s shoulder, a spontaneous gesture of comfort. Although unable to guess what had happened to set Ellie back like this, it wasn’t entirely unexpected. Her improvement seemed to the doctor to be too swift, and now whatever Ellie had learned about her past was threatening to reverse the progress achieved.
It was one thing to learn, or relearn, things about others and be tolerant and accepting of them, but to find out something distasteful about herself appeared to be unforgivable to Ellie. Carol often found people could accept faults in others which would be wholly unacceptable in themselves. This seemed to be the case now.
‘Don’t be hard on yourself, Ellie. I’m assuming this is something you’ve learned from someone else and not something you’ve remembered?’
Ellie nodded, blowing her nose in an effort of composure. Dr Hudson waited, not wanting to rush or make her patient feel obliged to explain. Moving back to her seat, Carol wished there was some way of taking away this young woman’s pain. The temptation in such situations was to offer advice or try to make the problem seem less of a stumbling block than it was. But this was Ellie’s life and she must find her own answers.
Finally, Ellie spoke. ‘It’s been a terrible week. I met someone I didn’t like, but apparently, I… spent time with him before the accident. I’ve learned things about myself, things I’ve done which, well… which I find appalling.’ She looked directly at Carol with something akin to hope in her eyes, perhaps a longing for her doctor to take away the problems, to make everything right again. Carol saw this many times and ached to wave a magic wand, but that was impossible. There was very little she could do other than listen and explore all the options of how to deal with each situation and emotion. Carol could not and would not want to tell her client to take a particular course of action; this wasn’t her role in psychological problems.
‘Have the things you’ve learned come from one person or several people?’
‘Just one,’ Ellie whispered.
‘Then maybe you should be looking at why this person has told you this and what kind of person he is. Someone told me several years ago that when I received criticism, I should look at the person offering it. If it was someone whom I held in high regard and respected, then I should ask myself if the remarks were valid and, if they were, take them on board. If the comments came from someone whom I knew to be unreliable, envious perhaps, or even a gossip, then I should take the remarks with quite a liberal pinch of salt. I don’t know if this would apply to your situation, but perhaps you could somehow verify these things you’re supposed to have done and discuss them with someone whose judgement you do respect?’
Ellie listened intently, taking in the doctor’s quietly spoken words as if they presented a lifeline. She wondered if she could confide fully in her and relate all the details but wavered. Carol would almost certainly not be shocked but Ellie was so embarrassed her face flushed even thinking about it. Verbalising it simply wasn’t an option. Words would give the situation life and make it real, so she remained silent. To try and confirm Dave’s claims was almost impossible. The only people she trusted and had respect for at the moment were her parents and Phil, and these were the very people she would not want to know such things.
Remaining pensive and withdrawn yet aware that the doctor had a waiting room full of patients who needed her every bit as much as she did, Ellie thanked Carol.
‘Don’t get yourself into a state, Ellie. I’m always here for you if you need my help.’ Carol Hudson’s parting words, although welcome, did little to ease her burden.
By then, Grace and Derek would be at Phil’s looking after Sam, so Ellie took the opportunity of going back to her parents’ house to be alone until they returned. It meant she wouldn’t see Sam and Phil until the next day, Saturday, which she’d agreed to spend with them, but perhaps the solitude of her own company would help her decide what her next move should be.
Chapter Twenty-Three
The weekend was looking grim and proved to be an arduous one for Ellie. Sunday would be Sam’s first birthday and a family party was planned, an event she’d looked forward to for weeks. So much of her son’s life was lost in the fog of amnesia, and the opportunity of making new memories was exciting. But that was before Dave soured everything, and it was now proving to be a bittersweet experience, marred by the agony and constant turmoil of her mind and haunted by thoughts she couldn’t shake off. Doing her best Ellie knew wasn’t good enough, but it was all she could offer, and so she made her best effort to enter into the celebratory mood for Sam’s sake, knowing he deserved better.
Saturday was spent preparing for the party, shopping with Phil and Sam in the morning and then food preparation in the afternoon, although Grace insisted on doing the bulk of the catering. Phil wrapped presents after lunch while Sam slept, and blew up balloons, hiding them in the cloakroom, ready for the following day. Ellie made jellies and cakes and forced herself to enter into the spirit of the weekend; it was a milestone to observe even if the little boy would probably forget. When Derek arrived to take her home that evening, Ellie was reluctant to leave her son and experienced a burning desire to be with him when he woke on his birthday – such strength of feeling brought tears to her eyes.
After a fitful night, Ellie was the first to rise in the Watson house, willing her parents to wake so they could set off to see Sam. When Grace did appear in the kitchen, she smiled at the sight of her anxious daughter, taking her impatience as a good sign. Derek wasn’t far behind his wife, and soon breakfast was over and they were setting off on what was a glorious sunny day. The plan was to spend the whole day together, and as Grace had prepared enough food for a siege and the weather was fine, most of it could be spent in the garden.
Ellie scooped up her son and buried her face into his warm neck, holding him so close he wriggled to be put down. Sam didn’t fully understand what was happening but entered into the joy of the occasion wholeheartedly, delighted to have those he loved the most around him. The present opening was an unmitigated success with exciting new toys to widen his eyes, toys that played music when buttons were pressed and others which felt good to put in his mouth and chew. A new wooden train captured his interest for quite some time until he turned back to tearing at more of the brightly coloured wrapping paper, crunching it in his fists before exploring the next new present.
Sam could now manage two or three steps unaided and was keen to show off this new skill. His speech was developing well too, and as ‘Dada’ and ‘Mama’ pleased the grown-ups, Sam gleefully burbled the words repeatedly. Countless photographs were taken, a record of a happy day, and Ellie tried her best to play her part, to manufacture a joy she didn’t feel and grateful that the photographs couldn’t capture the turmoil in her heart.
When his grandma brought in a cake with a single candle burning brightly in the middle, Sam clapped his chubby hands, a gesture he’d learned made everyone around him smile and join in. And he loved the singing, even this unfamiliar song which was not one of his favourite nursery rhymes. The candle was blown out with a bit of help from Daddy, and soon a slice of chocolate cake was set before him on the tray of his high chair. A grinning Sam poked it once or twice before picking it up in his fist and pushing as much as he could into his mouth. More laughter ensued, and after he’d demolished the cake, Grandma wiped his hands and face and lifted him down to play again.
Phil was both delighted and relieved to have Ellie and her parents sharing in Sam’s birthday celebrations. There’d been a time, not too long ago when he was dreading this occasion, a time when he was unsure if his wife would even live. Then, when the miracle occurred, and it appeared she would, another blow came from out of the blue, a cruel setback when the extent of her amnesia became known.
Phil still worried constantly about the future. Ellie’s memory hadn’t returned, with no guarantee it ever would, yet they’d begun a new relationship which in itself raised his hopes. He knew without a doubt she loved their son, a love which was rekindled in such a short space of time and gave him hope that Ellie’s feelings for him could return too. They appeared to feel comfortable with each other and when they spent time together, he hoped and even dared to believe it was because she wanted to, not out of any sense of duty.
In his heart, Phil knew he hadn’t imagined the progress they were making but these last few days dashed his hopes again as Ellie once more seemed to be withdrawing into her shell. Phil was at a loss to know why or what to do to regain their recent closeness. Subtle changes had crept into their relationship, which he struggled to make sense of, but as his wife insisted nothing was wrong, he felt it unwise to labour the point.
Catching Grace alone in the kitchen, washing up, Phil managed a brief conversation with her, asking if she too had noticed this sudden change in Ellie. The answer was yes, but Grace was just as bewildered as to the reason why as he was. Eventually, he decided the recovery process must have been too fast, too soon, and now a melancholy had crept back into his wife’s demeanour, nullifying the progress they’d made. Yet Phil remained convinced her growing feelings for him were real. She was even taking the initiative at times – hadn’t their date been Ellie’s idea? Was it perhaps his clumsiness about her contact with Fran which had driven this new wedge between them? How he wished they’d never had that conversation.
Watching his wife now, he studied her smile. It was the duty smile again, the one which didn’t quite reach her eyes. There was something on her mind, something troubling Ellie and he was being left out of her confidence. If only she would trust him enough to allow him in, he was sure they could still become a happy family. Phil would do anything for her if only she would allow him to.
