Remembering Ellie, page 17
‘So, Phil and I stayed here, together?’
‘Yes, and you slept in the same room you’re in now. You knew the twins were conceived by IVF but when I mentioned it earlier it was clearly something else you’ve forgotten.’
‘Oh, Rosie, that’s terrible and here was I thinking this was all new to me. I have absolutely no memories at all from the last ten years. It’s not as if I remember some things and not others – there’s simply nothing. But please do tell me about places I’ve been to before. I feel so stupid not remembering.’
‘Hey, it isn’t stupid at all. It is what it is, and there’s nothing you can do about it. Now, you won’t remember where the coffee is but that’s not going to excuse you from making us a cup; it’s in the cupboard over by the kettle.’ Rosie smiled and as Ellie made coffee, she felt grateful for something practical to do.
‘Thank you for being so candid earlier, Rosie. I know it wasn’t easy to tell me about Fran and what she’s like, but I needed to know. She’s caused me so much pain and I’ve been so awful to Phil because of what she said, yet it seems he didn’t deserve it. I’ll have to make it up to him somehow.’
Later, as Ellie tried to sleep, her troubled mind played back the day’s conversations with Rosie on a perpetual reel. Fran wasn’t the friend she’d thought her to be and if Rosie hadn’t been so honest, the damage she’d done could be irreparable, but then was her marriage beyond repair anyway? In that dreamy state of half awake, half asleep, her thoughts took her back to the time when she, Fran and Rosie were inseparable. They first met at school as gauche eleven-year-olds, leaving behind childhood years, yet far from being adults. Fran was the natural leader of the three from the beginning of their friendship, the daredevil whose audacious schemes both appealed to and occasionally daunted the other two.
Fran was the one to suggest skipping lessons to go into town or hanging out with the kind of boys their parents would disapprove of. She was the first to buy cigarettes and cider to try, encouraging them even when they were reluctant, her taunts ensuring their compliance. With a bold and enigmatic air about her, Fran drew others to her. She appeared so much older than her peers and maintained a popularity which Ellie secretly envied. Rosie was the quiet one – the one to hold back, to have doubts about that first swig of alcohol, the first cigarette. But Fran goaded her, and Rosie invariably capitulated, unwilling to be labelled a wimp.
Perhaps with hindsight, Ellie could see things with a clarity which was absent at the time. She remembered occasions when Fran treated Rosie badly, teased her beyond the acceptable, and a flush of shame swept over her because she’d never once stood up for her quieter, kinder friend.
The photograph Carl took of the three friends came to Ellie’s mind and she remembered the day vividly. It was another of Fran’s wild schemes but they were much older, at sixth-form college by then, and they should have been wiser. After registration, they left the college, unchallenged, Fran deciding for them all that they’d done enough revision and needed time out and as it was such a glorious hot June day, they’d taken less persuasion than usual to go along with her scheme.
A group of about six girls and six boys, Carl included, headed for the river, a local beauty spot where the water was perfect for swimming. Rosie and Carl appeared to be getting on well and Ellie, knowing now how Rosie had felt about him, remembered her friend’s glowing face, which sadly wasn’t to last for long.
None of them was prepared for swimming, they should have been in college studying but Fran didn’t let that stop her and stripped down to her underwear, followed by some of the other girls and most of the boys. Rosie and Ellie declined to join in and sat a little away from the group who’d been drinking lager and were rather tipsy. The high jinks became a bit too high for their taste, especially when Fran removed her bra before jumping into the river, causing much giggling among the other girls and more than a bit of excitement among the boys who readily followed her into the water.
But that was Fran, embarrassing and yet beguiling in her unconventional ways. Looking back on the day, Ellie now recalled Rosie’s sadness as Carl, besotted with Fran, followed her around like a lost puppy until she allowed him to become her boyfriend of the day. But Ellie hadn’t known of Rosie’s affection for Carl, or that Fran’s interest in him was purely because she could take him from her friend. Looking back, it was clear – as clear as Fran’s character was becoming, and Ellie wondered why it had taken her so long to see what was so plain, what had been staring her in the face all along.
Chapter Thirty-Five
There were several times over the next few days when Ellie’s heart ached with the desire to pour her troubles out to Rosie, to confess her involvement with Dave and what he’d claimed they’d done, but shame kept the words bottled tightly inside her. Rosie was such a lovely person and Ellie couldn’t bear for her to think badly of her, so she kept her torment to herself, attempting to push those ugly thoughts to the back of her mind.
By now, Ellie felt safe enough to assume Dave hadn’t approached Phil as he’d threatened, and with her husband out of the country she was confident the two men would have no opportunity for contact. This gained her time, yet all the time in the world couldn’t supply the answers she needed, and her mind reeled with the constant effort of searching for a solution to her predicament.
The days were bearable, even pleasant at times as Rosie and the children kept Ellie’s mind occupied. But the monsters came at night when hateful thoughts filled her head and crowded her dreams – bitter, twisted scenarios playing out in glorious technicolour, none of which ended well. If she hadn’t learned the truth about Phil from Rosie, it might have been easier to bear, but now she knew he was blameless and a good husband, her guilt tortured her constantly. She longed to be Phil’s wife again, to own the happy marriage everyone assured her had been hers but the spectre of Dave overshadowed any chance of happiness and Ellie was still no wiser as to how to solve the dilemma.
Each day when Phil rang, Ellie was resolutely cheerful and supportive, helped immensely by Sam who could effortlessly bring a smile to his daddy’s face, even in his darkest moments. Ellie even held a brief conversation with Josephine, a somewhat stilted few minutes, when neither woman knew quite what to say, but again Sam saved the day by demanding their attention.
As to the practicalities of death, Josephine agreed to her son’s suggestion of cremation for her husband in Spain, which would be attended by the ex-pat community they were part of, a chance for their new friends to say goodbye. Jim’s ashes would then be repatriated to England, and Phil was busy obtaining the various permissions. As things moved so much more swiftly in Spain, Jim was cremated within three days of his death.
Phil told Ellie he was returning to York within the week and bringing his mother with him. He was so visibly apprehensive as to her reaction and she immediately reassured him that whatever Josephine wanted was the right way forward. She would support him in whatever decision they made. Ellie also decided it was time to go home herself so she’d be there when he and his mother arrived and the relief in Phil’s voice almost reduced her to tears.
Ellie and Sam’s brief holiday with Rosie and her family was quickly drawing to a close. It had proved to be a welcome time of respite, but she knew there was no choice other than to return and face reality. In those dark, desperate moments during the nights, there’d been times when wild schemes of running away with her son invaded her mind. However, the morning light brought her to her senses and she knew in her heart it was impossible to hide away forever.
Another couple of lovely days were spent on the beach and they enjoyed one or two trips to local beauty spots, made all the better by the continuing excellent weather, but finally, Ellie’s time in Cromer was at an end.
‘Alex and Luke will miss you both so much when you go home.’ Rosie was lamenting the fact her friend was leaving the following day. ‘And I will too. It’s been great having you stay. You will come back soon, won’t you?’
‘I’d love to, Rosie, and you’ve been so kind, but I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen. There are still decisions to be made and I’m not at all sure what the outcome will be.’ Ellie’s face clouded over as she spoke and Rosie looked puzzled but didn’t pry.
‘You know we’re here for you, Ellie, anytime.’
The morning of departure arrived. Ellie woke early with a heavy heart, showered before Sam was awake and then tiptoed downstairs to have a few minutes to herself before the house burst into its usual hubbub of activity. She was not, however, alone. Tom was sitting at the kitchen table reading a novel, and he lifted his head, surprised to see her.
‘Ah, you’ve discovered my guilty pleasure. It’s the only time I have to indulge myself.’ He lifted the novel from his lap to show her a David Baldacci thriller and gave a wry grin.
‘Good for you. We all need a bit of escapism.’ She smiled back. ‘We’re leaving today, Tom, and I want to thank you for all you’ve done for us. This break was exactly what we needed.’
‘You’ve been very welcome, Ellie, but I’ve hardly done anything. Sadly, work occupies most of my time these days.’
‘But you’ve shared your lovely home so generously and I’m grateful. It’s been wonderful to escape here for a little while.’
‘I’m glad it’s helped.’ Tom looked at her somewhat quizzically for a moment and then continued. ‘Amnesia’s a bloody awful condition and sadly no one can predict what will happen but I get the feeling there are things troubling you which go even deeper. Can I be so bold as to say don’t feel so alone? Phil’s a great chap and you can trust him. Talk to him, Ellie. He’s hurting too.’
‘Has Rosie been talking to you!’ A flash of anger rose to burn Ellie’s cheeks as she assumed her friend had betrayed her confidences.
‘No, Rosie’s said nothing. She wouldn’t. It doesn’t take a mind-reader to know you’re troubled about something, and I’ve got to know Phil pretty well over the years. He’s a great bloke and I know how much he loves you. You can talk to him – that’s all I meant.’
‘Oh gosh, I’m so sorry, Tom. I know Rosie wouldn’t say anything. I’m just a bit wound up and being stupid, sorry.’ Ellie instantly regretted her accusation; how could she assume such a thing after her friends had been so kind. And would it really have mattered if Rosie had shared her situation with Tom? They could both be trusted – she knew.
‘Forget it. It’s not important. I just want you to be happy, as you were before. I don’t know what’s preventing it but if we can help, just shout.’ Tom stood up and put his book on the dresser. ‘Now then, I’d better get ready for work and I think I can hear my sons gearing up for the day. We’ll miss you, Ellie.’ Tom stood and gave her a warm hug and a genuine smile before disappearing upstairs.
Well, I made a right mess of that, didn’t I? she chided herself, then went back upstairs to see if Sam was awake.
Saying goodbye to Rosie and the boys was more emotional than Ellie had anticipated. She kissed the twins who beamed up at her ready for another day’s fun and not understanding she was taking their new playmate away. Rosie’s eyes were moist as the friends hugged and exchanged promises to keep in touch and visit again soon. Part of Ellie wanted to stay in hiding in her friend’s warm and welcoming home, but it was impossible. It was time to leave. Perhaps she’d lost ten years of friendship with Rosie but the bond was still there and she knew they would remain friends forever.
Sam remained somewhat subdued on the journey home, obviously tired from his active week and sleeping on and off. A couple of lengthy stops broke their journey, and with quiet roads on their side, the time passed swiftly and uneventfully.
Ellie intended heading straight to her parents’ home and spending the night there with Sam. Phil and Josephine were due back the following evening and she would use the day to get the house ready for their visitor and stock up on food in the fridge. It was a surprise to realise she was looking forward to seeing Phil again but as always, any positive emotions were tinged with a degree of unwelcome shame and fear.
Chapter Thirty-Six
Grace and Derek welcomed Ellie home with enthusiasm, stirring pangs of guilt at her perceived selfishness in what had amounted to running away over the last week. Sam was as delighted to see his grandparents as they were him, and as Ellie so often did these days, she used her son to deflect awkward questions, chatting about the marvellous time he’d had and avoiding any serious conversation. Her avoidance tactics were perhaps unnecessary as it became apparent her parents would not push for a more serious discussion on her first day home, if at all.
The following morning, Grace offered to help Ellie prepare the house and do the shopping for Phil and Josephine. Ellie accepted gratefully having spent a few sleepless hours anticipating a confrontation with Dave and trying to decide how she would handle such a situation should it arise. Was she hiding behind her mother’s apron strings?
Derek offered to join them and mow the lawn while the women ‘pottered’, as he called it. Safety in numbers. Ellie accepted gratefully.
With Phil having been away as well as his wife and son, their home needed very little attention. Ellie made up a bed in the second bedroom ready for her mother-in-law, opening the windows to allow the warm air to circulate, while Grace occupied Sam downstairs. Unable to resist looking across the road to number 40, Ellie thought a curtain moved, but the sight of Derek busily mowing the front lawn took away the frisson of fear she felt. Her dad’s presence added a layer of protection of which he was completely ignorant. If Dave were at home, he would surely notice the activity and with the visible presence of her parents, she felt relatively safe. Surely, the man wouldn’t dare to approach when she wasn’t alone?
After a light lunch, Ellie put Sam in his cot to sleep and leaving Derek in charge, she and Grace went off to the supermarket to stock up on fresh food. She was still on edge, a fact which didn’t go unnoticed by her mother.
‘Ellie, love, I’m at a loss to know what’s been troubling you lately and why you suddenly upped sticks and went to Cromer just when you and Phil were getting on so well. I don’t mean to pry, and you don’t have to tell me anything that happened between you but Phil needs your support now; he was close to his father and his passing won’t be easy on him. Dad and I will do everything we can to help you, but the bottom line is, it’s down to you.’
‘Do you think I don’t know?’ Ellie snapped at her mother, instantly regretting it.
‘Yes, of course you do, but hiding from a problem has never been your style. Whatever it is that’s bugging you, it’s time to face up to it. I have a feeling only you can sort this one out.’ Grace’s reply was firm and Ellie’s response was to remain silent on their journey home.
When Ellie was a child and afraid of something, real or imaginary, she would run up to her bedroom and hide in the large walk-in wardrobe, wriggling behind the rack of clothes, confident her mother would come and find her and make everything right again. One day, she played with a large cut-glass bowl, a favourite of her mother’s which held pride of place on the dining-room table. Turning it in her tiny hands to watch how the sun shone through it, making brilliant-coloured patterns on the table, the bowl slipped from her fingers and smashed into a million pieces on the wooden floor. Startled by the piercing noise and the certain knowledge she would be in trouble, Ellie ran to her safe place, squatting in the corner and hugging her knees while waiting for the inevitability of being found. Sure enough, it didn’t take long for Grace to appear. As her mother quietly opened the wardrobe door, Ellie’s tears flowed freely, convinced she was in the hottest water ever. Grace gently lifted her daughter from her hiding place and silently dried her tears.
‘I’m sorry, Mummy, can you mend it?’ the young Ellie sobbed bitterly.
‘No, darling, it can’t be mended but it’s not important. I love you more than I loved that bowl and I dare say we can find something else to sit on the dining-room table.’ Her mother couldn’t fix that particular problem entirely but she did make everything okay again. How Ellie wished her mother could make everything right for her now but in her heart, she knew Grace was right. She was the only one with the power to solve her problems – no longer six years old, nor eighteen, she was twenty-eight and a mother herself. Her problem now was so much more complex than a broken crystal bowl, but the responsibility to make things right rested solely on Ellie’s shoulders.
Sam was awake and playing in the garden with his grandfather when mother and daughter arrived back, and with only an hour to go until Phil would be home, Ellie started putting a meal together. Grace and Derek decided to leave, not wishing to overwhelm Josephine with company as soon as she arrived. They would visit later, perhaps the following day.
As soon as her parents left, an awful feeling of vulnerability descended as Ellie locked the door behind them and kept well away from the window in the hope that if Dave were around, he wouldn’t decide to visit her. Thankfully, he didn’t and it wasn’t long before Phil’s car pulled up outside. From the window she watched her husband help his mother from the passenger seat.
Josephine Graham was not quite what Ellie expected. They’d spoken briefly on Skype and the older woman’s fine features and dark hair had surprised her as she was nothing like Phil. The lady who approached her now was barely five feet tall, small-boned and slim, with short dark hair framing a narrow face, tanned from living abroad. Elfin-like was perhaps the best way to describe her mother-in-law. Phil’s fair hair and height must have been inherited from his father. Josephine appeared to be somewhat frail, an impression underlined by the sadness in her face; she was a grieving widow and her eyes held no spark of life, yet she attempted a smile when Ellie, holding Sam like a shield, greeted her at the door.
‘My dear, how lovely to see you again.’ Josephine spoke first.
‘Hello, Josephine, I’m so sorry about Jim.’ She faltered then, but her mother-in-law smiled a sad smile and turned her attention to Sam.
