Remembering Ellie, page 18
‘Oh, you beautiful boy! You’re the image of your daddy.’ She reached out to take the child from his mother, and Sam happily allowed her to do so. Phil was close behind with two suitcases which he put down to reach out to Ellie.
‘Hello, Ellie.’ He searched her face, leaning close to kiss her cheek and clearly delighted when she didn’t turn away. ‘Sam! My goodness, you’ve grown so much; it must be all that sea air!’ The little boy wriggled from his grandmother’s arms and reached out to Phil, beaming at the sight of his beloved daddy. It was such a poignant moment and Ellie felt suddenly mean at having taken him away from his daddy, even if it had been for only a week.
Ellie busied herself with making tea and coffee in the kitchen, unsure which her mother-in-law would prefer, while Phil took her cases up to the spare room.
‘How are you doing, Ellie?’ Josephine appeared in the kitchen, surprising Ellie, whose thoughts were miles away.
‘Oh, I’m getting there, thanks.’
‘It must be so strange for you, all these people who know you but who are strangers, myself included. But don’t worry, I think I’m pretty easy-going and we’ve always got on well together. I’d like to thank you for letting me stay.’
‘You don’t need to thank me, Josephine, and you must stay as long as you like, really.’ Ellie suddenly wondered if Josephine knew she wasn’t living with Phil yet. ‘I don’t know if Phil’s told you, but I’m staying with my parents for now.’
‘Yes, he mentioned it, yet this is still your home and I’m grateful for being here.’
Phil joined them in the kitchen, followed closely by Sam, determinedly shadowing his daddy, not wanting to be parted from him again. They drank tea, and Ellie asked about their journey and told them a little of her time in Cromer, focusing mainly on their son, what he’d done and his excitement at making new friends.
Later, as they ate together, Phil and his mother discussed the arrangements for Jim’s memorial service, which they’d managed to book for the following week at St Oswald’s Church, Fulford, close to where Jim and Josephine lived for many years. Ellie didn’t know Fulford was the area where her husband grew up, although she would have known before. Concentrating on spooning chicken and mashed vegetables into Sam’s mouth, she joined in the conversation only when necessary. Ellie wanted to be kind to Phil and Josephine, but being in their company gave rise to an awful feeling of not belonging, here or anywhere else, and she hadn’t felt so alone since waking up in the hospital.
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Sitting in St Oswald’s, Ellie experienced the strangest feeling – as if viewing the whole proceedings from above, floating, hovering over the congregation, seeing and hearing everything while wrapped in a cocoon of thought. She could see herself, sitting close to Phil and dressed in a black suit with a pale-pink blouse beneath, looking the part of the grieving daughter-in-law whilst not remembering the man whose life they were there to celebrate. Sam slept peacefully in his buggy beside her.
The beautiful Victorian church was bathed in sunlight, glorious shards of coloured light caressing the golden wood of the pews and the altar furniture. Flowers adorned every spare nook, from large arrangements to small posies, and their fragrance filled the vast space. Seated in the pews were about sixty people, most of whom were strangers to Ellie. The words of the elderly vicar resonated in her head as he extolled the virtues of her father-in-law, a man she apparently knew and loved but could not remember.
Josephine sat on the other side of her son sobbing silently into a large linen handkerchief, one of her husband’s, Ellie presumed. Phil, ramrod straight, held his mother’s hand, his chin set in the way she was beginning to recognise when he was attempting to keep his emotions in check. Her heart was filled with love for him, an overwhelming love which almost hurt at times.
Ellie wondered if she knew everything the vicar was saying about Jim and had simply forgotten it, or if his history was all new to her. It so often happened that you learned more about a person at their funeral than you ever did when they were alive.
A room was booked at a nearby hotel and the invitation extended to all those assembled to pay their respects. Ellie dreaded the gathering, and her fears were realised as a constant stream of people offered their condolences, not only to Josephine and Phil but to her too. She suppressed a sudden desire to reply, ‘But I didn’t know him.’ Phil divided his time between his wife and mother, although Ellie assured him she didn’t need looking after, there were enough people there who she did know, well, her parents at least.
Sam again provided a screen for her to hide behind. She’d walked him around in his buggy before the service until he fell asleep, a state he maintained for the whole hour. On waking, he became a focus for the mourners, a reason to smile on such a sad occasion and even Josephine took her grandson to meet various old friends. The new generation – hope for the future – comfort in the knowledge that life goes on.
After refreshments were consumed and the platitudes acknowledged, they escaped back home to begin life without Jim Graham, no easy task for his wife and son. Ellie slipped away to the kitchen to make more tea, as if they hadn’t drunk enough, leaving Phil and Josephine to mull over the service and comment on how so many of their old friends had changed.
‘I’ll be going home on Friday.’ Josephine addressed her daughter-in-law when she brought the tray into the lounge. It had been two weeks since Jim’s death, a week of which she’d spent in Spain with Phil and a week in York with the three of them.
‘But you’re welcome to stay longer.’ Ellie’s words were genuine; Josephine’s presence hadn’t been the stressful experience she’d expected it to be. ‘Surely there’s no reason to hurry back?’
‘That’s very kind, thank you, but I need to return to some kind of normality. It’s too early to decide what I want to do in the long term, but for now, I need to go back to Spain, it’s very much home and I think I’ll feel closer to Jim there. Naturally, I’d love for you all to come and visit when things have settled down for you here.’
‘We will, Mum, and we can always Skype.’ Phil answered for them and the subject was closed but not before Ellie once again felt that guilty weight in her chest; everyone was waiting on her to sort herself out, but she was still procrastinating.
The two days until Josephine’s flight home passed quickly. Phil returned to work and Ellie offered her car for Josephine’s use to visit friends, an offer which was gratefully accepted. When the three of them were together at home, Sam, as ever, remained the focus, his grandmother delighting in his company and keen to help with his care as much as possible. Ellie found it increasingly hard to leave her son each night to return to her parents’ home after being with him for twenty-four hours a day while in Cromer. She fell into a pattern of staying until Sam was bathed and in bed and then left with mixed feelings – relieved to escape from Phil and Josephine but aching with the separation from her son.
Phil took his mother to the airport on Friday morning. Ellie hugged her farewell with genuine affection. How could she not warm to her husband’s mother, to this gentle lady who was grieving for her husband? The little boy, not fully understanding, accepted Josephine’s hugs and kisses with his usual good-natured chuckles before moving on to the next toy to capture his attention.
The house felt eerily quiet when Sam went for his afternoon sleep and Ellie longed for Phil to come home. It was strange how she yearned for her husband’s company yet felt almost frozen in his presence, unable to relax and converse easily for fear of what he might think if he learned of her darker side. Her frequent, furtive glances across the street to number 40 suggested no one was home, always a relief – but her luck would run out someday – she was bound to encounter Dave at some point.
When Phil arrived home, he was tired. They drank coffee in the conservatory while Sam played with his toys. Phil’s mood was understandably pensive. He talked about his earliest memory of his father and some of the happy times they’d enjoyed as he was growing up. Jim was a great role model; it was no wonder Phil was such a brilliant dad.
This weekend, Ellie promised herself. This weekend I’ll tell him about Dave and throw myself on his mercy. It sounded so dramatic inside her head, but neither she nor Phil could go on living this half-life. It was driving them both insane. She must find a way, find the words to say to her husband – be truthful and hope he could forgive her. If not, well, it didn’t bear thinking about and Ellie refused to do so.
Chapter Thirty-Eight
For far too long, Ellie’s every waking moment was consumed with her plight, and each night, her mind wrestled with it, preventing any release sleep might bring. Continuing this way would almost certainly make her ill, a possibility which in itself strengthened her resolve to talk to Phil. Ellie’s relationship with her parents was also suffering, and although they’d stopped asking their daughter what was troubling her, their concerned looks and tactful avoidance only served to compound their daughter’s feelings of guilt. But she would need to enlist her mother’s help yet again to give her time alone with Phil, and so she asked Grace if she would look after Sam for a couple of hours the following afternoon. It was agreed she would take her grandson to the park to feed the ducks after lunch and then to the café for ice cream.
With her plan in place, Ellie set off to Phil’s with mixed emotions and passed an uncomfortable morning vacillating over her decision to talk openly to her husband. On more than one occasion, she came close to picking up the phone to ring Grace and cancel their arrangement, yet refrained from doing so.
Almost as if his grandmother knew Sam was waking from his afternoon nap, Grace arrived to whisk her grandson away for a couple of hours and to spoil him thoroughly.
It was another beautiful day, not overly hot but bright enough to be comfortable in the garden. If Phil wondered at the reason he and Ellie were suddenly alone, he didn’t ask.
‘Shall we sit in the garden for a while?’ he suggested, ‘and perhaps… if there’s any wine left?’
‘I’ll get it,’ Ellie offered. Her hands trembled as she poured the wine into two large glasses and carried them into the garden, forcing a smile as she sat next to him on the bench. Perhaps it was the sadness behind her smile which prompted Phil to slide a protective arm around her shoulder.
He gently asked, ‘What is it, love? Something’s very wrong, and I’d like to help.’ His tender concern unravelled her attempt at being brave and the tears, never far from spilling over, fell as Ellie let go of all the emotion she’d been holding inside for the last few weeks and wept bitterly.
It took several minutes to stem the flow of tears and regain some semblance of composure. Phil held his wife, stroking her hair, waiting patiently. Eventually, pulling away and taking a deep breath, Ellie turned to face him; the decision was made and she must tell him. Now. She would grasp the opportunity and face the consequences later. Unsure how to begin, Ellie decided to test the waters first, to see how much her husband knew.
‘Do you know Dave who lives across the road?’ Ellie watched as her husband suddenly stiffened, and his expression darkened.
‘Why are you asking about him?’ was the reply.
‘He helped me to lift Sam’s buggy in the other week.’
‘Keep away from him, Ellie. He’s bad news.’ Phil scowled.
‘What do you mean?’
‘Just that. Dave Pearson is not a friend, that’s all you need to know.’
‘That sounds rather cryptic. Can’t you tell me more?’ Ellie was puzzled by this unexpected response.
‘No, my love, just trust me on this, please.’ Phil’s face was set in a way she was beginning to recognise.
‘But maybe I should know? I have no idea if Dave was a friend or not and I need to know about the neighbours if I’m going to come back here to live.’
Phil brightened instantly. ‘You’re coming home to live, really?’ His sudden delight threw her, she’d let the subject be altered and now he was looking so hopeful.
‘Well... I mean, eventually, I thought we’d agreed, no timescales?’
‘Sorry, love, it’s just I’m so anxious for things to get back to how they were before your accident.’
‘And that’s the point! I need to know how things were – concerning the neighbours, I mean. Were we friends with anyone in particular?’
‘Well, you often had coffee with Christine from the corner house. She’s been asking after you but said she wouldn’t trouble you until you were feeling better.’
‘And what about Dave?’
‘Why him? Forget him, Ellie!’ Phil sounded almost angry, but she needed to pursue the conversation now it had begun.
‘Because he’s said things, implied things...’ Both their voices were rising. This wasn’t the conversation she’d wanted to have.
‘Oh no, Ellie! Tell me, you must tell me.’ Phil turned to look directly at her and held her shoulders a little too tightly.
She’d done it now, told him part of the story, and there was no going back. ‘Well, he’s hinted that he and I were a little more than friends... I didn’t know what to think. He’s a horrible man who keeps pestering me, saying he’s going to tell you things.’
‘Oh, my poor darling, is this what’s been worrying you? I am so sorry. I should have told you, warned you about him.’ Phil pulled his wife close to him; she wanted and needed the comfort of his arms, but was unsure if she’d just driven a huge wedge between them.
‘Told me what? Please, Phil, I don’t know what to do. I’ve been terrified by what he said and thought I might lose you and Sam and I couldn’t bear that. Have I done something to be ashamed of? If so, tell me – please!’ Even though Ellie was distraught, her eyes were dry, all tears spent, her body screaming exhaustion, her mind grappling with fear. Had she had an affair with Dave – and did Phil already know?
‘Tell me, please.’ Her voice dropped to a trembling whisper. ‘Phil?’ Her eyes pleaded for an explanation of what his earlier words meant. Her head ached, and her whole body was tense. Phil took her hand in his own.
‘There was an incident last year, just before Christmas.’ He stared down at their joined hands, unable to look into her eyes.
‘What kind of incident?’ Ellie’s voice was shaky.
‘I don’t know how to say it, he... he made a pass at you, groped you, whatever you want to call it.’
Ellie’s free hand flew to her mouth as he continued.
‘It was late afternoon. Dave came over on some pretext or other – he was always trying it on, so bloody transparent in the way he leered at you! At first, we laughed about his obsession but then he became a real nuisance. That afternoon you tried to keep him on the doorstep but he pushed his way in and forced himself on you. I arrived home early and found you in tears, trying to fight him off. As I came through the door, you’d just managed to knee him where it hurt; the situation was obvious and I’m afraid I lost my temper and lashed out at him. It sounds almost comical now, arriving home in the nick of time to defend your honour, but I really don’t know how far he would have gone if I hadn’t come home then.’ Phil lifted his eyes to meet his wife’s and saw the shock this information brought upon her.
‘Were the police involved?’ Ellie’s mind was racing ahead, wondering how the situation had ended.
‘No, we decided to let it drop. Perhaps we should have involved them. He might have thought twice about approaching you again, but to tell the truth, I hit him much harder than I should have done, and Dave left nursing a broken nose. My gallantry earned me a broken finger too, served me right I suppose. We decided it was unlikely he’d report it to the police as he was in the wrong, and concluded it would be better to let the whole incident drop and put it behind us. Dave never troubled you again. I don’t know how he explained the broken nose to his wife, but neither of them has spoken to us since.’
‘But he did seem to know things about me...’
‘Like what?’
‘Well, he mentioned the birthmark on the back of my neck. How could he have known about that?’ Ellie was still unsure whether she was entirely blameless in this whole business and desperately needed reassurance to restore her peace of mind.
‘Anyone could know. You often wore your hair up when it was longer, and the birthmark was quite visible.’
‘But I never put my hair up; I’ve always been embarrassed by that mark!’
‘Oh, Ellie, you got over it a long time ago. It was cooler and so much easier after Sam was born, and you look great with it tied up. You have nothing at all to reproach yourself for. I think Dave has, in some sick way, been trying to get revenge. Finding out about your amnesia gave him the opportunity he needed to stir things up between us. It must have seemed like a gift to him.’
‘So, what do we do now?’ Ellie looked to her husband for guidance.
‘I’m going to go round to have a few words with Dave; he’s gone too far this time.’
‘No, Phil, don’t! I can’t bear the thought of you getting in some kind of fight. Please, let it drop.’ She clung to his arm, fearful.
‘We let it drop last time and look what happened. Dave needs to know he’s been found out and he can’t get away with treating you like this anymore.’
‘If you’re going to see him, I’m coming too.’
‘No, please, let me handle it. I’ll be very careful, but I want him to know if he comes near you again, we’ll report him to the police for harassment.’
Ellie nodded her agreement, even managing a smile at the feeling of utter relief now flowing through her whole being. She hadn’t betrayed Phil after all; this knowledge was all she needed to reclaim some of the happiness she’d felt before it was snatched away by that sad, bitter man and to regain some self-respect.
Ellie watched anxiously from the window as her husband marched across the street, his anger evident in his gait. She heard the hammering on the door as if it was on their own, and then a woman opened it, and after a brief moment, Phil pushed his way inside. Ellie panicked; should she have let him go alone? Yet the fact Dave’s wife was in the house would probably have a restraining effect on Phil, and she hoped he wouldn’t resort to violence. It wasn’t in his nature.
