Remembering Ellie, page 12
Chapter Twenty-Four
With the birthday celebrations over, Monday morning rolled around again. Despite the way she was feeling, Ellie remained determined to continue the routine they’d so recently established and bravely declined her mother’s offer of help with Sam. Her parents needed to return to the pattern of their own lives; she couldn’t lean on them indefinitely for support. Had Ellie been truthful with her mother she’d have admitted to feeling low in mood.
The thought of being with Sam spurred her on and Ellie arrived in good time to take over his care from Phil. The weekend’s excitement was well and truly over although Sam still clung to his new toys as if they might be whisked away from him as quickly as they’d appeared. To welcome his mother, Sam crawled over to the corner to fetch her a saggy balloon from the sad-looking pile that was still partially inflated.
It was a relief when Phil left for work and Ellie could concentrate solely on her son, his need for attention occupying her mind and bringing respite from the painful thoughts which constantly plagued her.
The week dragged interminably, perhaps the longest week Ellie could remember but she steadfastly kept to her routine. Thursday inevitably came around and she shuddered, wishing the day to be over while simultaneously dreading what it might hold – and no wiser as to how to handle the situation with Dave.
Ellie didn’t seem to notice when Phil kissed her on the cheek before leaving for work on Thursday morning; she was somewhere else entirely, a distant place that he or anyone else couldn’t reach. Sam was unusually fractious, fighting against his mother, who struggled to get him into his jacket.
‘Please, Sam, Mummy doesn’t need this today,’ she begged, but the little boy seemed to have picked up on his mother’s tension and started crying, the only way he knew to get attention. Finally, they were ready and the ride to the park in his buggy seemed to soothe him, but not Ellie, whose legs felt like jelly as she clung to the handles of the buggy for support.
By the time they arrived, Sam was thankfully asleep. Ellie’s thoughts had centred on this meeting all week, yet she was still no wiser as to how to approach the problem. She’d considered challenging Dave, telling him she didn’t believe they’d had any kind of relationship. Pleading and trying to reach his humanity was another option, but it was doubtful whether this awful man had any humanity in him at all. No matter how many words she played with in her mind or how many phrases she put together, nothing sounded right. Ellie would simply have to wait and see how any kind of conversation might play out.
It was a pleasant day, warm with the promise of another scorching afternoon, the kind of day which made people smile at strangers. Stunning displays of begonias flanked by the majestic spears of red lupins greeted visitors at the entrance to the park, but Ellie didn’t notice them. She was gripping the handles of Sam’s buggy so tightly her knuckles were white; her teeth were clenched and her head ached.
Dave was already there – waiting. Sitting on a bench at the far side of the swings, his eyes following her every step. Walking slowly, Ellie willed her heart rate to slow, yet it did quite the opposite as Dave’s smug smile came into focus. Ellie interpreted his expression as an acknowledgement of the victory he had won by her very presence.
Stopping, she turned the buggy around so Sam faced away from Dave, who patted the space on the bench beside him with another satisfied smirk. Ellie reluctantly sat down, perching as close to the edge as possible.
Dave spoke first. ‘I knew you’d come. You couldn’t resist, could you?’
Turning to look at him with disgust, Ellie’s eyes narrowed. ‘You didn’t leave me much choice, did you?’
‘Aw, come on, be nice. You always used to be nice to me. I’m sure you haven’t forgotten.’
‘Sorry to disappoint you but I have no memories of you whatsoever – and I would like to keep it that way.’ Ellie was feeling a little bolder now. Being out in the open brought a sense of safety – what could this man do to her in broad daylight? Perhaps escape from this nightmare was feasible after all.
Dave smiled and snaked an arm around her shoulders, making her recoil, feeling physically sick at the contact. Moving as far away from him as possible on the bench, Ellie mustered the courage to challenge him. ‘For all I know you could be making this all up. How do I know what you’re telling me is the truth? You certainly don’t act like a trustworthy person, threatening and issuing ultimatums!’ Ellie’s voice was raised, the emotion threatening to choke her, but aware of Sam, she lowered it again and continued, ‘I don’t like you, Dave, and if that’s true now then I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have liked you before. I don’t believe what you say is true and it’s probably best if I go now and have nothing more to do with you again.’
‘Hey, don’t be in such a hurry and don’t come the Little Miss Righteous with me either! We have a history whether you like it or not. If you want your grubby little secrets to become public, then fine, walk away! But if you do, I can guarantee you’ll regret it!’ Dave was so smug. Ellie was desperate to get up and go, but could she risk it?
The joyful sound of toddlers playing with their mothers on the swings filled her ears. She should be over there with Sam, carefree and having fun, not here with this loathsome man giving rise to fears about the past and what she might or might not have done. Dave spoke again, this time lifting the hair at the back of her neck and running his forefinger along her hairline.
‘If we weren’t having an affair, how would I know about this birthmark here on your neck? Kissing that spot always got you going...’
‘Don’t!’ Ellie pulled herself away, angry and repulsed. How on earth could he know about that? ‘It must have all been a terrible mistake... and I want to end it, now!’
‘But what if I don’t?’ His self-satisfied expression made her feel sick to her stomach. ‘You think you’re too good for me now, do you? Well, let me tell you what’s going to happen next. You can go now, straight home while the kid’s asleep, and then in ten minutes, I’ll come round. Leave the door unlocked, like you always used to, so there’s less chance of us being seen, and we’ll see if I can remind you of the fun we used to have.’
‘No!’ She mouthed a silent scream but Dave laughed and patted her knee.
‘Off you go and get yourself ready for me like a good little girl.’
It was a relief to stand up and put space between herself and Dave, and Ellie almost ran back to the park gates, unaware of the darkening sky and the rain, which was starting to fall in huge drops.
Instead of turning left into the road which would take her home, Ellie turned right and hurried towards the local primary school. The laughter of children dancing in the welcome rain barely registered as she quickened her step, passing the school and the local shops until eventually, she turned into the safety of the grounds of the health centre.
Sam was warm and snug in his buggy, but Ellie was now soaked to the skin as she pushed open the glass doors. Only then did she wonder what Dave would do when he discovered she wasn’t at home waiting for him as he’d instructed. But she was reasonably confident he wouldn’t stand for long on her doorstep; presumably he’d not wish to draw attention to his presence at her home.
Chapter Twenty-Five
‘I need to see Dr Hudson. Please... it’s an emergency.’ Ellie was clearly distressed although Sam slept peacefully in his buggy.
‘She has a patient with her at the moment, then she’ll be breaking for lunch. I could have a word then?’ The receptionist spoke softly. ‘It’ll be another ten or fifteen minutes if you’d like to wait?’
‘Yes, thank you, I’ll do that.’
June, the receptionist, asked her name and if the emergency appointment was for herself or the child.
‘It’s for me.’ Ellie almost sobbed. Her legs were still trembling from almost running the whole distance from the park to the surgery, and she sat on the end of an empty row of seats to catch her breath. Sam, oblivious to his mother’s anxiety, slept on but had been so for nearly an hour and would probably wake soon.
Even as Ellie silently told herself to calm down, take deep breaths, and relax, the ten-minute wait seemed like an eternity. She picked up a magazine that held no interest for her and put it down again. Eventually, a woman came out of the doctor’s office, and the receptionist went in.
Almost immediately Carol Hudson’s energetic figure was out of her room and striding towards Ellie, putting a hand on her shoulder to guide her into the little room she looked upon as a haven.
‘I didn’t know where else to go.’ The tears flowed and Ellie took out a tissue to muffle the sound of her sobs.
‘It’s okay. I said I was here to help and I meant it.’ Dr Hudson lapsed into silence, allowing her unexpected visitor to compose herself enough to speak, but Sam chose that very moment to wake up with a grizzly cry.
‘June, my receptionist, could take him for a few minutes if that’s okay with you?’ the doctor offered. Ellie nodded her consent, and Carol pushed the buggy out to reception, catching the receptionist as she was finishing for lunch. June smiled and took charge of the buggy.
‘I need the practice.’ She grinned, putting her hand on her swollen belly as she pushed Sam to the corner of the waiting room where several toys were set out for babies and children. The little boy was easily distracted and reached out for the toys, forgetting whatever had caused him to cry. His mother too, ceased her tears for the moment and turned, ready with an apology for Carol.
‘There’s no need to apologise, Ellie. Has something happened?’
‘Yes, and I have to tell someone, or I’ll go mad! It’s related to what I told you last time, do you remember? About finding out something about my past?’
‘I remember.’
‘Well, it’s horrible – there’s a man, a neighbour, who keeps pestering me – saying we were having an affair – and I don’t know if it’s true or not. How on earth can I tell? He’s pressurising me into meeting him. I should be at home now; he said he would come from the park where I met him – but I came here instead. What shall I do?’
‘The park? Were you with him in the park?’
‘Yes, he made me promise to meet him there, to talk, but then he wanted more and told me to go home and wait for him. Please tell me what to do!’ Ellie was talking quickly, upset and angry, but the doctor seemed to understand her dilemma.
‘Well, you certainly don’t have to do what he says.’ Dr Hudson was emphatic. ‘You have a choice here, Ellie.’
‘No, I don’t! He said he’d tell Phil and my parents!’
‘Tell them what?’
‘That I’ve slept with him! They’ll hate me if they find out...’ Tears were flowing freely again and Carol pushed the box of tissues nearer to her young patient.
‘This man is blackmailing you, Ellie. Do you want him to get away with this?’
‘No, of course not, but I don’t want Phil to know what I’ve done.’
‘Yet you’re not sure you have done anything, are you?’
‘I wasn’t, until today… He mentioned a birthmark I have on the back of my neck. I’ve always been sensitive about it and keep it hidden. How would he have known about it if we hadn’t been intimate?’
‘I should think there are several ways he could have learned about it. Knowing about your birthmark is hardly conclusive proof of a relationship. When we last met and you told me you’d learned something from your past – if you remember I asked if you respected and trusted this person. I’m assuming it was this man?’
‘Yes.’ Ellie dropped her head with shame.
‘Do you respect him or trust him?’
‘No! From what I’ve seen and learned about him in the last couple of weeks, certainly not.’
‘You’re obviously feeling afraid of the consequences, but couldn’t you talk to Phil or your parents, perhaps? The not knowing seems to be weighing equally as heavily on you as bringing it all out into the open would.’
‘But I don’t think I could! I’m frightened. I’ve only really just started to appreciate my marriage and family again. I can’t risk losing them.’
‘Ellie, it’s entirely up to you, but perhaps you should take a long look at all the possible scenarios before deciding. Put your thoughts down on paper if it helps, then weigh up the options, or we could chat about it now if you like. You’re the only one who can decide what to do, as you’re the one who has to live with the decision. To state the obvious here, you have a son and husband whose lives will also be affected. Look, I have the time now if you’re up to a little brainstorming, and I can pop out to check on Sam if you like?’
‘Would you? I need to make some sort of decision – I can’t go back in case Dave’s there. If Sam’s okay and your receptionist doesn’t mind, there’s a bottle in his bag, some rusks and a clean nappy.’
Dr Hudson left her room to see how June was coping with her little charge.
‘We’re fine, getting to know each other really well. Tell his mummy to take as long as she needs. I’ll feed and change him now.’ June was clearly enjoying herself and Sam seemed happy enough with an assortment of new toys to amuse him.
Carol returned to Ellie with assurances that everything was under control. Her patient nodded a brief thank-you and visibly relaxed, then taking a deep breath, attempted to view her problem objectively.
‘I suppose there are three things I could do. Firstly, I could do nothing and see what happens. Or secondly, I could go along with Dave and continue to see him, or the third option is to tell Phil and take the chance he’ll forgive me.’ Ellie was able to pull herself together sufficiently to look at her predicament more dispassionately and express the options concisely.
She continued, ‘How awful! It’s a choice of the lesser evil, but honestly, I don’t relish any of them. To do nothing is risky. Dave might do as he says and tell Phil, my parents and anyone else who will listen. But the second option – agreeing to a secret relationship, I think would make me ill in the longer term. I can’t bear the man; he makes me sick! No, I really couldn’t do that! Which leaves the third option, telling my husband and throwing myself on his mercy; sounds rather melodramatic, doesn’t it?’
‘They’re certainly not easy choices, but it sounds as if you’ve at least ruled out the second option?’
‘Absolutely. I couldn’t possibly go there!’ Ellie was determined on that point at least.
‘So, you’re left with two options; do nothing, which if this man is making it all up will call his bluff, or confide in Phil.’ Carol looked into her patient’s eyes. ‘You’ve been through so much lately, Ellie, and could do without this complication. Living with amnesia is frightening in itself; losing your past must cause confusion and unimaginable pain. Could this man be taking advantage of your vulnerability? Or do you think you really did embark on some kind of relationship with him?’
Ellie shrugged. She didn’t know the answer any more than Carol did. ‘I honestly don’t know but I suppose it’s progress having just two options instead of three?’
‘And you have time to consider the two,’ Carol reminded her.
Before Ellie left the surgery, Dr Hudson insisted she made an appointment for the following Wednesday, the day before she expected to see Dave again. Ellie thanked her and the receptionist. June had kept Sam so happy and he was reluctant to leave his new friend.
It would be a long week, but there was always her son to focus on – Ellie would put his needs before her own.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Ellie’s parents and husband couldn’t fail to notice this new dip in her spirits but tactfully remained silent. Her frequent claims of suffering a headache were an attempt to stave off her family’s enquiries, yet in reality, it gave rise to concern that her accident might have caused more damage than they’d been initially aware of.
Each day Ellie tried to look on the positive side of things and rid herself of the awful doubts she was experiencing about her behaviour. It proved hopeless and she could rarely find any positive aspects to dwell on. Perhaps the only one was her son, for whom Ellie willingly continued to care. The strength of her love for Sam pulled her back to their home day after day, even though seeing Phil brought such a kaleidoscope of emotions, with pain, guilt and an almost tangible, ever-present fear for the future. Each evening, when Sam was in bed, Ellie, now driving herself, made excuses to go back to her parents’ home, ignoring the hurt in Phil’s eyes as he assumed she no longer craved his company.
At home, Ellie locked herself away in the bedroom as often as was politely possible, passing the hours logged into her Facebook account, trawling through posts from people she didn’t remember in a futile attempt to regain her lost memories. If only she had the certainty of what had transpired during the last ten years of her life – surely regaining her memory was the key to everything, but so much was still locked away, unreachable and exasperating.
Ellie rarely checked her emails. When Phil first brought her computer to her, she’d been almost overwhelmed by the volume of messages on her account and unable to bring herself to open and read them. Over the weeks, she’d deleted many unopened but tried to read the few which were from senders whose names she recognised. Looking once again at the build-up of mail, she started sifting, deleting dozens from unfamiliar addresses. Left with only a handful, Ellie opened them to determine if they required a reply.
One of the emails which had been sitting unopened in the inbox was from Rosie. Fran’s version of Rosie’s life made their old friend sound boring, leading a vacuous existence as a doctor’s wife and mother of twins. Fran assumed such an existence to be dull beyond measure, but now Ellie had experienced the joy of motherhood for herself, she wondered if Fran’s opinion was biased. She opened the email and read with renewed curiosity.
