Remembering Ellie, page 8
‘Hi, handsome boy!’ Ellie scooped Sam into her arms as he crawled towards her at the door. His excitement was all the welcome she needed but it was also evident how pleased Phil was to see her. He seemed in no hurry to get off to work.
‘There’s plenty of food in the fridge, but if you fancy anything different, there’s a convenience store on the edge of the estate – look, I’ve drawn you a map.’ And he had too. Ellie smiled at the scrawled diagram where he’d marked the path to the shop in one direction and the park in the other. What more could a girl need?
‘If you want to know anything else, just ring me at work, okay?’ Phil ran out of ways to procrastinate, and Ellie picked up Sam and walked towards the door to open it for him.
‘We’ll be fine, don’t worry. I’m not sure I’ll go far today, if anywhere. I’ll probably feel a little uncomfortable meeting any of the neighbours and not recognising them, but it’s a lovely day. We’ll be able to amuse ourselves in the garden, I’m sure.’
Phil kissed his son and smiled wistfully at his wife before reluctantly climbing into his car and setting off for work.
The day passed quickly and pleasantly without any of the imagined hiccups she’d dreaded. Sam grew tired and grizzly after lunch but settled quickly in his cot. Ellie found herself reluctant to leave him, standing beside his sleeping form and gazing at his soft, chubby face as his breathing deepened and his little body relaxed into inactivity. Eventually, she went downstairs and searched around, looking for something to do. Perhaps a bit of cleaning, she thought, but would Phil interpret this as her assuming he wasn’t coping? Ellie settled for making a coffee in the kitchen but rummaging in the drawers for biscuits made her feel like a sneak, an intruder, although common sense told her this was her house too, her home.
When Sam woke, they played in the garden where there was a small sandpit and a wheeled tractor which her son loved. Other toys claimed his attention and the time passed swiftly with Ellie taking dozens of photographs on her phone; at least these images would be ones she remembered taking when she looked at them in the future.
Ellie rang her mother, knowing both she and Derek would be wondering how things were going and Sam gurgled into the phone, delighting them all. She told Grace she intended to stay and make a meal for herself and Phil that evening, a decision which pleased her mother more than Ellie could know. It would prolong her day but oddly enough, she was keen to spend a little time with her husband as well as Sam and they could always discuss the day’s events and the rest of the week too. Surprisingly, Ellie was keen to succeed and make this arrangement a permanent one.
Digging out some frozen salmon from the freezer, she put together a simple meal of salmon and salad, which, as expected, surprised Phil. Later, when Sam was bathed and settled in bed, his parents discussed his care for the coming days, and Ellie had no hesitation in offering to repeat the day’s arrangement, which had gone so well.
‘It’s not just that I’ve nothing else to do,’ she reassured Phil, ‘I’ve loved today and although I didn’t feel confident enough to go out, I’m sure that’ll come in time, and I’ve always got Mum and Dad to call on if I need them.’
By the time Derek arrived to take her home, Ellie was both tired and happy. Phil even dared to plant a friendly kiss on her cheek as she left, which didn’t bother her at all. She’d have been disappointed if he hadn’t.
Lying in bed that night and anticipating the following day, Ellie wondered about asking Phil out on a date. The mental image of the expression on his face if she dared to do so made her laugh out loud – he’d love it, and surprisingly, so would she.
Chapter Sixteen
Life was going well for Ellie and was once again enjoyable. There were even times when she could see the funny side of amnesia, and it was no longer the frightening black hole it appeared to be on first waking up in hospital. Her baby son had effortlessly wormed his way back into her heart and she loved him with a passion which at times took her breath away – a passion she acknowledged to be a mother’s love, strong and enduring.
Ellie had been looking after Sam at home for over two weeks, not venturing far but re-familiarising herself with the house and where everything was kept. Surprisingly she enjoyed being a mother and even relished the domestic chores involved in caring for Sam and their home. At the end of the week, buoyed by how successfully things were going, she decided to take the plunge and ask Phil out on a date. Astounded, he nearly choked on the coffee he was drinking, causing Ellie to burst into fits of laughter, with Sam joining in as if he too understood the joke. The couple were becoming increasingly relaxed in each other’s company. Phil appeared happier than he’d done for weeks, and Ellie couldn’t help but notice he was rather handsome too. The lines around his eyes were less noticeable, and the haunted expression had disappeared completely. Grace and Derek took no persuading to babysit for their date, viewing this as a significant step forward for their daughter and son-in-law which triggered some much-needed hope for the future.
Getting ready for the date, Ellie took extra care with her clothes and make-up, deciding after much deliberating on a short, green dress which, although unfamiliar, suited her well. A nervous feeling swirled in the pit of her stomach, taking her by surprise. She felt like a young girl on a first date, which her head told her it wasn’t, but with no memories of any other date with Phil, it seemed exactly so.
Her efforts were rewarded by the appreciative look on Phil’s face as Ellie arrived with her parents on Saturday night, ready for their date. Her husband looked handsome and relaxed, and an unusual, though not unpleasant, sensation flooded throughout her body. After kissing Sam goodnight, the couple set off to enjoy a meal at a restaurant which Phil assured her was her all-time favourite.
It was a balmy evening with the scent of stocks perfuming the air as they parked the car and walked through a traditional walled garden to the old country pub. Ellie was struck by the idyllic setting, from the bright summer blooms in the borders to the gentle sound of running water from the stream, hidden from sight somewhere behind the high red-brick wall. She felt relaxed, exchanging smiles with Phil and leaning in close to hear what he was saying. Already she didn’t want this evening to end.
The pub, one Phil told her they’d visited many times before, was apparently the venue where they’d celebrated their last wedding anniversary and it suddenly struck Ellie she had no idea of when it was, or when Phil’s birthday was either. There was so much to relearn, but tonight was not the time to worry. It was a time to enjoy herself and the company of this handsome, attentive man by her side.
After studying the menu, her choice was the medallions of beef with Cumberland sauce. Phil grinned.
‘What? What’s so funny?’ She smiled; her head tilted quizzically to one side.
‘You always choose the beef when we come here.’ He laughed, and Ellie thought how relaxed he seemed, a more mellow expression now replaced his default anxious look; her husband was undoubtedly a very handsome man. A bottle of red wine was ordered, although Phil was careful to drink only one glass as he was driving, and the meal lived up to expectations; conversation was easy and light. It was a time to forget their problems and enjoy the moment, which Ellie was most certainly doing. At times she even found herself flirting with Phil, enjoying his light-hearted mood and the apparent pleasure which the evening was giving him.
‘We should do this again,’ she suggested.
‘We do, or rather we did. Every month we made a point of having a “date night”, just the two of us. Grace and Derek were always happy to babysit, and it was good to be alone together, but I have to confess, it was your idea.’
‘Ah, so I’ve always been the sensible one, or so it seems.’ Ellie reached across the table and squeezed Phil’s hand. It felt so natural and their fingers fitted comfortably together. Phil lifted her hand and kissed it, she didn’t pull away, and this simple act filled her with a warm glow of hope, an anticipation of a happy future, rather than the awful fear of what might be around the next corner which had dogged her of late.
Phil was almost on the point of suggesting his wife might like to stay the night, but stopped himself from doing so, knowing such a momentous decision must be made by Ellie alone. The evening went so well, better than he could have imagined, and he’d be content with that. It could have been any one of the many dates they’d been on in the past, and for the first time in months, he felt a positive, inward sense of expectancy and was able to relax and let time work its healing magic.
Over the last couple of weeks, since his wife had begun looking after Sam again, her growing love for their son was evident, and Phil marvelled at how quickly the bond had returned. He took this as a good sign – if her love for their child was still somewhere in Ellie’s subconscious mind, then surely their love must be there too. If only he knew how to bring it all back to her, how to make her love him again. Yet Phil acknowledged it was still early days. Even before she left the hospital, Mr Samms had cautioned him to be patient, to give her time, which he was working so hard to do. But their night out was undoubtedly a step in the right direction, and to Phil, it was a gift, something positive to cling on to, an almost tangible hope he would at some point have his wife back again.
The date was over, and Derek and Grace drove a somewhat reluctant Ellie home. On too much of a high to sleep, she made cocoa for herself and her mother before attempting to go to bed, while Derek excused himself and went upstairs. Ellie, however, was in the mood for talking, and her mother was keen to listen.
‘You know, I could have stayed tonight, with Phil I mean, but perhaps it’s a little too soon.’
‘Only you can decide that, love. It’s the next big step, but you need to be sure you’re ready first. It is going well though, isn’t it, with Sam and everything?’
‘Oh yes, brilliantly. I’m besotted by him – one grin, and he’s got me right where he wants me. I couldn’t bear to be without him now.’ She beamed at the thought of her baby son.
‘That’s great. Your dad and I are so pleased things are going well. You know I’ve been doing a little research into amnesia, and there’s just no way to know how this is all going to work out. In films and books, the memory always comes back – in fact, I think in everything I’ve seen or read, another head trauma has brought the memory back. Now I’m not suggesting I whack you over the head with a blunt instrument, that’s pure fiction, but I have been toying with an idea.’ Grace was silent, looking to her daughter for permission to continue, and as Ellie’s expression was open and interested, she went on.
‘I thought perhaps you should try to forget about the amnesia.’ Grace realised the pun when her daughter laughed out loud. ‘I know, it sounds ridiculous, but let me explain my thinking. When you first came round, you were distressed and confused, which isn’t in the least surprising. But I’ve watched you change in a relatively short space of time. What you’ve achieved already is remarkable, and I’m proud of your progress so far. However, I think you know amnesia has no guaranteed outcome – realistically, we don’t know if you will ever recover your memory.’
Ellie’s smile faded as her mother’s words sank in. She didn’t need a reminder of the uncertainty of her condition. Grace looked for a moment as if she regretted beginning this conversation, but it must be finished now.
‘You understand there is no definitive prognosis, we all do, so rather than letting this hang over you, or consume your whole life, what I wondered is if you could try to live your life from now on, like that saying on plaques and fridge magnets: ‘Today is the first day of the rest of your life.’ It seems to me you’ve been doing remarkably well. I know your love for Sam has returned, and hopefully, your feelings for Phil will come back too. Maybe it’s worth a try? Let Phil court you all over again. It rather sounds as if you could be falling in love with him for the second time already, and why not? Yes, there’ll be practical things to consider, things you may have to relearn, but we’re here to support you. Don’t worry about those lost years. If they come back, then great, but if not, you still have a lifetime ahead of you to make hundreds of new memories.’ Grace studied her daughter’s face, biting her bottom lip. Ellie was silent for a few moments but then slowly smiled at her mother, nodding her head.
‘You’re a genius, Mum. I rather like the idea, whacky though it may be.’ The animation returned to Ellie’s face as she continued enthusiastically, ‘Do you know, I think to some extent I’ve already started to do that. Tonight felt like a first date, and Phil is pretty good company, I can certainly see why I fell for him!’
‘You’ll still need to take things slowly. If you’re treating this like a new relationship, there’s no need to rush things. Enjoy the experience, love. Not many people get the chance to fall in love with their partner all over again, so take your time. Naturally, Sam has to be considered too, but it sounds as if he’s already got his loving mummy back.’
‘He sure has, he’s adorable, and I love him to bits!’ Ellie smiled and finished her cocoa. ‘You’re brilliant, Mum. What would I do without you?’
‘Well, my darling girl, let’s hope you don’t have to find out for a very long time.’
Chapter Seventeen
Ellie was registered with a GP surgery situated on the edge of the estate where she and Phil lived and had an early appointment the following morning with Dr Carol Hudson. She had no memory of her GP but needed to see her for a prescription for Trazadone as the small amount Mr Samms prescribed were nearly all gone. Phil would be working from home and looking after Sam, so Derek offered to give her a driving lesson after the appointment; they all agreed driving again would make life easier. Ellie was ambivalent as to which of the morning’s events troubled her the most.
Dr Hudson was a smiley, forty-something lady with a reputation for having time to listen to her patients and never rushing them. The downside of this being that her appointment times often ran over, and a long wait was the norm, so Ellie had purposefully booked the earliest time available to avoid delay. Phil told her not to hurry – but he was keen for her to begin driving lessons. Derek was again acting as chauffeur and happily waited in the car with his newspaper.
When her name flashed up on the waiting-room screen, Ellie followed the signs to Dr Hudson’s room.
‘Hi, Ellie, how are you?’ the doctor greeted her with a smile.
‘All things considered I think I’m doing okay.’
‘I’ve been reading up on your notes from Mr Samms. He’s given you a prescription for Trazadone? How have you found it?’
‘Good, it helps me to sleep, so I’m here for another prescription if it’s okay to continue with them.’
‘No problem. I’ll put them on repeat so you can ring and order them next time you run out, but I’d also like to see you every few weeks, or more if you need to.’ Dr Hudson tapped away on her computer, and a prescription spewed out of the printer beneath her desk. ‘Tell me, Ellie, have you had any recollections of the last ten years yet?’
‘Sadly no, but I’m trying not to get anxious about it.’
‘Always a good idea.’ Carol Hudson smiled again. ‘You won’t remember me, but I shared care with the hospital during your pregnancy. Your little boy will be what, about a year now?’
‘Almost, it’s his birthday in a few weeks, and I’m afraid you’re right, I don’t remember anything yet.’
‘Your notes say you were discharged to your parents’ address. Are you still there?’
‘Yes, but things have moved on a little since then. Initially, I needed my parents’ support. With no memory of Phil or Sam, it was almost frightening to think of going there to live. But I started looking after Sam, with Mum’s help at first, while Phil went back to work and eventually to his... no, to our house and I’ve continued to look after him there. He’s such a lovely baby and we have such a great time together. I’ve grown incredibly fond of him, and caring for him is quite magical. Sam occupies all of my time and thoughts, which thankfully gives me little time to dwell on my situation.’
‘That’s great, Ellie. And are you going to continue looking after him?’
‘Yes. I’m surprised at how much I want to. Do you think this must be some kind of bond which was there from before the accident? It can’t simply have happened overnight, can it?’
The doctor looked thoughtful, pausing for a moment before replying. ‘I really wouldn’t know the definitive answer to your question, but common sense would support the theory that there is an existing bond somewhere in your subconscious mind. You know how strong your feelings for him are. What do you think?’
‘I honestly feel like his mother now, which I didn’t at the beginning. I’m protective of him, I hurt when he hurts, and I couldn’t imagine life without him, so I think you’re right. Surely this type of bond can’t form in only a few days or weeks? Yes, we’ll go with common sense and say the feelings are from somewhere inside, from the times I’ve spent with him in the past, even if I can’t remember them.’ Ellie felt relaxed and comfortable in this lady’s presence.
‘And what about your husband? Have you experienced the same kind of feelings for him?’
Ellie was one step ahead of her and nodded. ‘Now you’re thinking what I’ve been thinking! I keep telling myself that if I can love Sam, perhaps I can love Phil again too. It’s your common-sense theory again, isn’t it?’
Dr Hudson smiled. ‘It is somewhat different,’ she cautioned. ‘But it seems quite feasible, and perhaps with time you’ll rediscover your feelings for your husband as you have with Sam. It’s important though to take things slowly. From what you’ve said, he’s not putting you under any pressure, which is great but you mustn’t put yourself under pressure either. Phil loves you and I’m sure he’ll give you the time you need, don’t you?’
