If We Could Go Back, page 6
He chuckled around a few fries. “Touché. I guess I’m Catholic, but I don’t go to mass. She does.”
I remembered she’d told me about her work with the church.
“So now you’re going to risk sleeping on the sofa every Wednesday.”
That earned me one of his lazy smirks. “Are we doing this every Wednesday?”
I felt bold enough to quote him. “I’ll kick your fucking ass if you cancel on me.”
He threw a French fry right in my face, and I flinched and batted it away. “Don’t worry, I’m game. I’ll risk the couch and face my wife’s wrath every night if that’s what it takes.”
“Oh, wow. It’s like you don’t even enjoy sex.”
“What’s that?” he asked with a straight face.
That was interesting. “And here I was, thinking I had the most depressing love life.”
“Be happy you have one in the first place—unless you count ten minutes of ‘Are you almost there?’ every six months.” He was quick to chug a good portion of his beer as soon as it was served. “At this…fuck.” He belched and rubbed his chest. “At this point, I consider myself in an exclusive relationship with an adult store.”
Really. “A what now?”
Kieran was hammered. His eyes were bleary and glassy, no doubt a reflection of what he saw in my eyes too. And his grin was lopsided. “You never go to an adult store to get your rocks off? If I didn’t, I’d lose my mind.”
I leaned closer, intrigued. “You mean one of those seedy places with a movie theater in the back?” I’d bought handcuffs for Allison once—to spice things up, hoping at least one of us would get to try them—and that store had booths you could go into to watch porn. I always thought…I would never be one of those men.
Kieran nodded. “The private ones. I’ve never tried an actual theater. I like my privacy.”
“Huh.” I took a gulp of my beer, thinking about it. Then again, why would I go to such a place? I had a bedroom to myself. My problem, other than lack of passion, was that my wife was halfway across the country. “Is it exciting?”
He laughed and shook his head. “Why would it be exciting? It’s sad as fuck.” He lifted a shoulder. “I’m outta options. My imagination’s run dry, and Mags freaked out and didn’t talk to me for two weeks when she found porn at home.”
Ah, those were the days. I remembered feeling horribly guilty once I started watching porn. So much so, I confessed it all in a rush to Allison. She’d stared at me as if I’d grown a second head before bursting out in giggles. In short, she had no issues with porn and had even admitted to watching it herself.
However, when I suggested we watch it together, she got angry. It was a tricky balance.
“I have a hidden stash of DVDs,” I said.
“Yeah, well. I guess I’m paranoid she’s gonna find out.” This time, his smirk wasn’t as confident.
Sympathy pierced my drunken bubble, and I felt for him. Once upon a time, Allison had been the adventurous one. I’d been awkward and adamant about everything being great simply because I was too afraid to admit I didn’t know what I was doing. She’d helped me with that.
We hit these stages in life where things were different. After Nate was born, Allison went through a major adjustment; her body and hormones had changed, as had her needs. Much like me, she had highs and lows. I could go weeks without needing sex. It was normal, I hoped. Right now, I was particularly…needy, for lack of a better word. I wanted to explore, find the passion I recalled somewhat, amplify it…
I was sure Kieran and Maggie went through similar periods. Maybe they’d hit a low and didn’t know how to get past it.
“Time to go home?” I had to concentrate harder to keep my focus.
Kieran checked his watch and squinted at it. “It’s past eight. I guess we should.”
I settled the tab before easing off my chair, and the vertigo hit me instantly. Shit. Having inhaled much more whiskey than beer, I hadn’t needed to go to the bathroom until now. And I needed to go fucking ASAP, so I stumbled my way there and tried—and failed—to stand on my own without swaying.
Five minutes later, we left and stepped out into the cold of January.
Kieran took a piss in the alley next to the bar while I hailed us a taxi to take us to the train station.
“You should…” I held my phone closer so I could see the blurry screen. “The house, Kieran. Get the house—so we can be neighbors.”
He came up next to me, zipping up his pants. “We should probably look at it first.”
“Yes, but then you buy it.”
He laughed.
Chapter 6
Wednesdays became ours. Thursdays kind of belonged to us too, once Kieran took over for Maggie bringing Jaylin to swimming lessons. But we didn’t talk much at the pool because, more often than not, I was too hungover.
I started looking forward to Wednesdays the way Jess and Nate looked forward to the weekends. Kieran was a fixation; he represented the day of the week I could say fuck it all and be whoever I wanted.
The first Wednesday we reluctantly went straight home after work in the city was in late March. It was the day the Marshalls closed on their new house, and our wives were ecstatic. Allison was home for spring break, and she was quick to invite Kieran and Maggie over for dinner to celebrate.
The following weekend, we got together again for Allison’s birthday dinner.
We were officially one of those foursomes that Kieran and I had dreaded. The first Pictionary night came when the Marshalls moved in to their house in July. Allison was home for the summer, and it made it more important than ever to me to have my Wednesday away from everything.
July was also the month I started lying to my wife. Work was slow at the moment, but I told her I had meetings in the city so I could sneak off.
“You couldn’t have just told her you need that one night off every week?” Kieran asked as we boarded the train that morning.
“Normally, sure.” Not in the summer, though, and I didn’t want another fight. I thought it was unfair of her to expect me to change everything only because she was suddenly home. We were on the third year of spending so much time apart that it was an adjustment every time we saw each other. “She wanted us to go to the beach today.”
“I know.” Of course he knew. Our wives had become best friends and talked about everything. “Tell me I shouldn’t leave early to keep you company when you stroll around the city and do nothing.”
I grinned. “I can’t tell you that.”
I’d suggested breakfast once when a client of mine was a no-show, and I’d learned Kieran was rigid about doing his four hours of bike delivery when the weather was warmer. He showed up at the station in his body-hugging uniform every morning unless the forecast promised a downpour. In other words, I knew I was on my own until lunch when he’d shower and change.
“You know what I’m gonna do while you’re at work?” I relaxed back in my seat and smiled. “I’m going to go see a movie. I’m going to buy the biggest soda and popcorn, pour so much butter on that it’ll drip, and I’m going to sit there and watch a movie by myself. No kids, no wife. Just me.”
Kieran sucked his teeth and gave me a sharp look. “You fucking suck.”
I laughed.
It was going to be a spectacular day.
“I can do anything.” The more I thought about it, the more I realized I was a free man today. I wasn’t a complete prick, so I wouldn’t come home drunk. But everything wasn’t about alcohol. “I can be one of those people who sits in a park for fun.”
“You, potheads, and homeless people,” he muttered.
I smirked at his envy. “I may even get ice cream.”
“All right, enough outta you,” he chuckled. “I’ll make it an early day.”
Perfect. “What do you wanna do?”
He hummed and stretched out his legs, crossing his legs at his ankles under the table. “Wanna do something crazy?”
“Yes,” I answered without hesitation.
“Then leave things to me.”
No problem.
“Hey, where do you think you’re going?” Kieran frowned.
“Uh…this way?” I pointed toward the cabstand outside the station.
“Fuck that.” He grasped my elbow and guided me toward the local transit he took to his office. “There’s an AMC by my building if you wanna go see a movie.”
So he was a sadist. He couldn’t let me have my morning off without first making me suffer on a heavily crowded train.
I sighed and followed him—and the herd of commuters—to the train going north, and it was possible I bitched about it the entire time. Kieran thought that was funny. I didn’t. The transit toward U District was always packed with college kids and, well, yuppies like Kieran.
I guess I was a yuppie too.
Much like the time I’d had to bring Nate to my sister’s, we were packed in like sardines near the doors, and I shot Kieran a brief glare.
He grinned, grabbing the handlebar above him. This time, the envy was mine. His bicep flexed as the train jostled us, a reminder that I’d been slacking with the gym lately.
“Think about your ice cream.”
“It would melt here.” I pulled at my tie before finding a steady grip on a bar behind him. “I cannot believe you do this every day.”
“You cannot, huh? Brit boy.”
I rolled my eyes and was forced to move closer to him when people huddled to get off at the next stop. The car squealed and screeched, braking suddenly before slowing down to a more humane pace, but it was enough to send me flying into Kieran. There was no embarrassment as pretty much everyone bumped into someone. There was, however, a moment of disbelief.
“What the hell do you wear under your uniform?” I glanced between us and pressed a hand to his stomach. His abs were rock solid. Was that even possible? High school—I remember how I burned through food like it was nothing. I ran for an hour and built leg muscles. I ate pizza for a week and didn’t gain an ounce. And college athletes, of course. They always looked ripped. As for the rest, I’d been hoping it was all photoshopped.
“All me, baby.” His rich voice was thick with amusement, and I swallowed uneasily. My gut clenched, annoyance flared up, and so did something else. It didn’t know what, only that it resulted in the weakest death glare ever. As if I lost all physical and mental strength.
My ears felt like they were on actual fire. “I need to exercise more often.” I averted my gaze to get my act together.
“You look fine to me.”
I narrowed my eyes at him. “Are you having a laugh?”
His eyes danced with mirth. “No, can’t you tell I’m dead serious?”
I scoffed and looked away again. The doors opened, offering me a much-needed rush of somewhat fresh air. Unfortunately, more people stepped on than off, so I remained standing in Kieran’s personal space. His body radiated heat, and I loosened my tie a bit more. I hoped I wasn’t coming down with something. I was well when I left the house.
“Meet me outside the bar as usual,” he murmured. “I’ll leave at twelve-thirty.”
“Are we drinking again?” I wasn’t sure that was wise.
“Just a few shots.” He steadied me with a hand along my side as the train rocked. “You’ll need it to agree to what I have planned.”
I looked down at his hand. Did he have a fever? “That sounds ominous.” He was inside my open suit jacket, and his heat was searing through my button-down. Bollocks. Were we both coming down with something? I wondered what child I’d blame this time. Jess had brought home a nasty cold a few months ago, and I’d been useless for days.
His chuckle tickled my neck. “Trust me, Ben.”
Sweat beaded at my temples. My collar felt too tight.
There was another stop, and it brought Kieran and me chest-to-chest. The unease grew, as did a sliver of panic. Because as a ball formed at the center of my being, dropping lower and lower, I could only describe it as something I tended to feel in more appropriate moments. Lust. Hunger. I swallowed dryly and thought back… When was the last time Allison and I had made love? Good fucking grief, I couldn’t remember.
There was no way I’d embarrass Kieran with my inopportune urges, so I did my best to angle away from him. I couldn’t believe myself. Was I so deprived that I caught an erection in the middle of a crowded train?
Coming down with something… I was an idiot. I wasn’t coming down with anything other than horniness.
We were jostled once again, and I cursed under my breath.
Kieran gripped my side more firmly. “See? Isn’t this fun? You get where you need to go, and you get a free ride on Seattle’s finest roller coaster.”
How could he think this was funny? Shooting him a scowl, I was unprepared to be assaulted by his charming smile and those eyes of his. I was standing close enough that I could see how the green at the center mingled with the blue. Were those flecks of silver or gold?
A waft of his aftershave filled my nostrils. That was something I shouldn’t find appealing whatsoever. Wait, did we wear the same aftershave? No, it was slightly different. Maybe. I hoped it was different, because getting turned on by my own aftershave might make my sister cock her head curiously and wonder if I had narcissistic tendencies.
Time to cool down. The next stop was ours, and distance would clear my head in a heartbeat. Gut feeling. And tonight when I came home, I was going to walk up to Allison and…and what? Be shot down? Be called insensitive for implying she wasn’t good enough when I suggested we try new things?
Funny how quickly those thoughts worked to quell my desire.
Quit bothering me at work.
I took a long pull from the straw, almost dropping my soda as I replied to Kieran.
This is important. I have to tell you that there is at least a cup of butter on my popcorn.
I watched a little bit of the previews while I waited for his return text.
We need to work on your definition of important.
I snickered, and I felt better now, ready to forget the little…whatever it was that happened on the train. Scratch that, I felt naughty. My wife and kids were at the beach, thinking I was at work, and I wasn’t. I was in an almost empty movie theater with a big soda and buttery popcorn. Kieran had kindly offered to keep my briefcase in his office, so it was just me.
It was just me…
I glanced down at my phone. Oh, fuck it.
If you leave now, you’ll only miss the first ten minutes of the movie.
He replied after a minute.
Dude, I’m doing deliveries and working on the abs you felt up earlier.
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat and shook the memory, the feeling, of his muscles underneath my fingers.
But I bought Junior Mints too.
Everyone loved Junior Mints. Junior Mints were the best.
The lack of response from Kieran told me he was going to be a dull boy, and I gave up and pocketed my phone. To be honest, I didn’t know much about the film I was about to see. It was the only one showing at this hour…and I was still giddy.
Retrieving the box of Junior Mints from the inside pocket of my jacket, I opened it and poured a handful of sweets into my mouth. The movie began with an action sequence that would’ve been “oh my God, so cool” in Jess’s opinion.
The main bloke was buff and drove a cool car. The girl he wanted had an obvious aversion to clothes. It was as if I’d seen this movie a hundred times before.
I caught movement in the corner of my eye, and as I turned, Kieran slumped down into the seat next to me. What the—he actually… The surprise was no doubt evident on my face. He merely smirked and stole my Junior Mints.
“What did I miss?” he whispered.
A smile took over, and I relaxed in my seat, facing forward. “Not much.”
We went for lunch after the movie, then trailed back to Kieran’s office so he could shower and change into regular clothes.
If I thought my office was nice…
He had his own bathroom and a closet full of clothes, and he emerged from the bathroom in a pair of threadbare jeans and a vintage tee that hugged his torso. Ironically, I felt underdressed next to him, yet he was the one in street clothes.
“You ready to head out?” He threw the towel he’d had around his shoulders back into the bathroom, then grabbed his keys, phone, and wallet off the coffee table. That was right, he had his own couch and coffee table in here. Christ, I’d lived in worse places.
“Lead the way.” I cleared my throat and gestured to the door.
Five minutes later, we were entering the bar we went to most Wednesdays. The bartender knew our names by now, and she’d shared her nickname—Roxy.
“You guys are early.”
“Hey, hon. We won’t be long today.” Kieran slid onto a stool and drummed his fingers along the bartop, eyes scanning the menu above the shelves of bottles.
“You’ve said that before.” Roxy snorted, amused, and pulled up a bottle of Jameson. “Quit pretending like you’re going to order something else.”
I took the seat next to him and decided to look less like I had a stick up my ass. I removed my tie and stuck it in my pocket.
“Fine. Three shots each.” Kieran hauled out his wallet.
Roxy lifted a delicate brow. “No tab?”
“Apparently we’re not staying,” I drawled.
Kieran jerked a thumb at me. “I gotta liquor him up a bit, that’s all.”
In the end, three shots each became five, but Kieran stuck to his word. As soon as the fifth shot was sliding down my throat, he’d paid for the last drinks and left his seat.
Roxy watched us in amusement while we left, hollering, “See you soon” before the door closed.
My buzz was just settling in; in fact, I barely felt it. It would be a few minutes. My mouth was numb, my tongue was loose, but my mind was free of cobwebs.
“You’re not gonna tell me where we’re going?” I shrugged out of my suit jacket. It was a hot day, and the sun was currently beating down on us. It made me wish I had my own closet of clothes in the city.
