If We Could Go Back, page 12
I exhaled a laugh in shock and was momentarily overcome with childlike joy.
He smirked unsurely. “I can say that, right?”
Uh, yes. Given the rush that went through my body, he could say that every day. I’d forgotten the last time I felt so desired—actually, I knew when it was. It was in a back alley in Seattle.
“Tell me again.” I smiled.
He chuckled and leaned forward, pressing a quick kiss to my jaw. “You’re hot as fuck, Bennett.”
I groaned under my breath and took his mouth with mine. And…huh. Interesting. After all my years of despising being called Ben, it’d become what I preferred from him.
“So are you,” I murmured, feeling the heavy truth of my words rolling off my tongue with such ease. My gaze flicked from his eyes to his mouth, back to his eyes, his cut jaw, his nose, and his eyes again. A resounding god-yes, he was beyond words.
“Yeah?” He regained some of his confidence and kissed me again. “Is that weird to you?”
I chuckled softly. “I don’t know. Maybe a little. I’ve never…well, before you…”
He hummed, his eyes flashing with something predatory. “I kinda like that.”
I swallowed nervously. Good fucking grief, what was I getting myself into? I had no clue whatsoever, yet I’d never been so eager to jump in.
“So…what happens now?” I asked hesitantly.
“We live, Ben. We get through the holidays, and then we live.”
Chapter 12
“Nice stress ball.” My boss, Mr. Hayes, folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorway to my office, always with a polite smile on his face. “New?”
I caught the ball and set it on my desk. “A Christmas gift from my eldest.” I smiled back. “What can I do for you?”
“I was wondering if you could take on a minor account.” He walked farther in and sat down in one of the chairs across from me. “My cousin and his family just moved to town, and he’s looking to start up a business in the city.”
“Minor account…” I flipped open my planner, spotting three business trips to Boston this month alone. I usually only had one. “I mean, I can move things around, no problem, but wouldn’t it be better for the interns to get their feet wet?”
He inclined his head. “Normally, I would at least let them sketch up their ideas, but I need discretion for this.” He paused. “My cousin is trying to stay under the radar.”
I frowned, confused. “Whose radar?”
He chuckled. “I apologize for speaking in riddles. He was once a famous musician, and his fall from grace was pretty severe. Now he wants to start fresh, without the attention of the media—until he’s ready.”
“Well, color me intrigued. I can do it.” I shrugged and leaned back. “This month is going to be tight, but—”
“Oh, he’s in no rush. Another month or two won’t matter.” He rose again and folded up the sleeves of his shirt. “I appreciate this, Bennett. I’ll send him your information.”
Hayes. My boss’s last name was Hayes. I narrowed my eyes, my mind spinning. “Holy fuck—” Good job, foul language in front of the boss. I cringed, though I couldn’t contain the surprise. “Are you related to Lincoln Hayes?”
His eyes flashed with amusement. “I’ve already warned him that he won’t be able to stay incognito very long.”
No shit.
“I’ll be working with a rock star?” I smiled and pinched my lip. I’d have to impress the man for certain. All through high school, I listened to his band Path of Destruction. “Ah—” I put a hand over my heart. “Nostalgia.”
My boss found me funny—and left me while laughing—and I decided to look up this alleged fall from grace later. Right now, I had more important things to do, such as stare at the clock until Kieran arrived.
His mother had fallen down the stairs over the holidays, so Kieran and his family had stayed longer. But now they were on the West Coast again. If they’d been on the plane I suspected, they’d landed a while ago and should be back in town any minute. And I’d told Kieran to get his ass to my office as soon as he could.
I missed him. So much had changed from last Christmas, and spending weeks away from each other was a mental drain now. As neighbors, we at least got a hello every day. A quick chat in passing, usually on the driveway we shared. This year, we’d resorted to a couple text messages a day, and it was far from enough.
I’d watched gay porn since the last time we saw each other. Truth be told, it didn’t do much for me. The thought of making Kieran lose it, however… I wanted to satisfy him. And that was an image I’d gotten off to more than a few times.
“Oh, you can go in,” I heard my boss’s assistant say. I supposed she was partly mine too, though my phone didn’t ring off the hook the way Ellis’s did. “When Bennett’s door is open, he’s available.”
“A’ight, cheers.” It was Kieran’s voice, and I took a breath as my stomach flipped. His accent was thicker whenever he’d been in Boston, and it was…it was—what was the word? Smoking hot.
It was time to give a name to all these emotions I’d had virtually since meeting him. There’d always been a pull. I’d always been drawn to him, and now I knew it was attraction. Intense, burning-hot, ever-growing attraction.
Kieran appeared in the doorway and offered a cocky grin, and all I could do was tell him to close the door.
He was beautiful. Ruggedly handsome. Jeans, leather jacket, vacation scruff.
It was almost liberating to be able to think about him in those terms. Each one fit.
He winked and turned the lock in the door too. “You look like you wanna eat me, Ben.”
I let out a laugh. “I kind of do.”
He chuckled warmly and glanced around my office before he rounded my desk and planted his hands along the armrests on my chair, effectively bringing us face-to-face.
“I missed you.”
I…I had too many feelings surging. “Me too.” I drank in the sight of him. His eyes seemed clearer, and the cold outside had dusted his cheeks and nose in faint pink. “God, me too.”
He grinned slightly and leaned forward more, until our lips brushed. I grabbed ahold of his hoodie under his open jacket and drew him closer, and he smiled into the kiss.
“I love that I can do this now,” he murmured. His hands cupped my jaw, slowly sliding back to my neck, all while he reduced me to a puddle with that kiss. Slow strokes of his tongue, soft lips, firm kisses, and his fingers exploring my skin.
“I love your honesty.” I had to get that out there because he had to know what it did to me, every time he admitted something like that. It was entirely new to me. Having always been the one to take any type of initiative in my marriage, doubt came very easily. Sometimes I wondered if I was a bother, if it was a chore to fuck, or—whatever. Not with Kieran. Even as normal friends, once we’d stopped tiptoeing around the fact that we really needed each other as mates, there’d been an openness I’d never experienced before.
Kieran hummed into a last, long, dizzying kiss, then drew back a bit. “I gotta behave today. For one, I don’t wanna overwhelm you. For two, I have to pick up dinner.”
I forced myself to sit back and gathered my thoughts. “Why, uh…” I cleared my throat and adjusted myself, something he definitely didn’t miss, and he offered a smirk. “Why would you overwhelm me?”
“Because I want everything—right now.” He straightened his clothes and returned to safety on the other side of the desk. “No one can see in here, right?”
I glanced at the frosted glass that separated us from the rest of the workspace, and I shook my head. “Nope.”
He gave me a sly look and nodded at the chaise at the other end of my office. “Then you could get a more comfortable couch in here.”
Amusement and anticipation rushed in my bloodstream. “I could.” It was impossible not to let my thoughts wander to his office in the city. His couch was big and cushy, something he’d purchased for power naps when Jaylin was little and didn’t sleep through the night. “We could also have lunch in your office next week.”
He cursed under his breath. “You can fucking count on it.”
On Saturday, I invited my father and the Marshalls over for pizza. Cooking some elaborate dinner was setting the bar too high, but I’d actually made an appetizer from scratch. With Jess’s help. He’d crushed tortilla chips like a pro, which we’d rolled string cheese in, added an egg wash and some spices, more tortilla crumbs, and then fried it to perfection.
Step one in learning how to cook better: everything tasted better deep-fried.
Step two: you couldn’t go wrong with cheese.
Praise the internet.
The mozzarella sticks were gone by the time the pizza was here, and Jess was satisfied with the compliments he’d received for the snack.
After paying for the pies, I told Dad to get comfortable on the couch instead. The kids had occupied it so far, but they didn’t have a bad hip. Nate grabbed a chair and sat down by me instead, leaving Dad with Jess and Jaylin.
Kieran passed me and clapped my shoulder. “Mind if I put on some music?”
“No, go ahead. There’s a CD in the player already.” I plated slices of plain cheese pizza for the two youngest while Maggie fetched sodas and beer in the kitchen. “I actually have an exciting topic from work—”
“There’s no such thing,” Dad grunted, a glint in his eye.
I chuckled. “There’s a first for everything—believe me. Dad, you must remember my obsession with Path of Destruction when I was in high school.”
He remembered it vaguely, I could tell, with good timing. The music came on, and the song opened with the same guitar solo I’d listened to all day. A live album of Path of Destruction from ’97.
“Good band,” Kieran noted and sat down. “I listened to them too.”
Even better. I didn’t often have exciting news to share. “I’m gonna work with the lead guitarist,” I said, smiling. “I mean, he’s opening a studio in the city, and I’m gonna design their brand.” Well, with my team of graphic designers, but whatever. It was my account. Mine.
Kieran grinned. “Look at’chu. Don’t burst on us, Ben.”
I laughed and opened the next box. Kieran unfortunately loved pineapple on his pizza, which I supposed was good if you wanted to make sure no one else ate your food.
Maggie helped out by opening the last box. “Hon, I got your pepperoni here,” she told Kieran. “So tell us more about this project, Bennett. It sounds exciting.”
I furrowed my brow and looked questioningly at Kieran, who shook his head and smirked faintly. Extending his hand, he made it clear it was the pineapple pizza he wanted, so I passed it on without a word. I thought he hated pepperoni pizza. It was my favorite, however. And he mocked it when we had pizza in Seattle.
“Oh…” Maggie looked confused. She had a plate ready for Kieran, and he’d already started with a slice. Or two. He had a special way of eating pizza where he put two slices together, toppings facing each other.
Kieran merely stared at her while he ate.
“I can take that, Maggie,” Dad said. “We’re a pepperoni family.”
“Sure—yes, of course.” She tried to hide her puzzlement and reminded me of the work story.
So I launched into it, and I told them that my boss was related to this huge rock star. I took ribbings from both Dad and Kieran; they found me funny when I got so animated about this idol of mine. But I could tell Kieran was impressed.
“Oh, I remember now,” Dad said, nodding. “I think the kid’s from here.”
Lincoln Hayes was no kid. He was a rock god, and I was having lunch with him next month. Lunch. And yes, I’d learned Mr. Hayes was from here originally, which made sense, with Ellis being from here as well.
Dad tilted his head, thinking. “Didn’t he go to prison?”
“Oh yeah.” Kieran looked to me. “He did, didn’t he? I read something about that.”
I waved it off. I’d read up on it, and I was ready to defend the man I may or may not have owned a poster of once upon a time. I’d stolen it from Brianna. She’d been off to uni anyway.
“He was defending the woman he loved. The crime was justified if you ask me.”
Maggie giggled. “You are too precious, Bennett. I haven’t seen this side of you before.”
“I’m full of surprises,” I drawled.
“That’s true,” Kieran said and took another bite.
I shot him a quick look. We were going to act normal. Otherwise, I’d be hit by a brick of guilt every time I looked Maggie in the eye.
“My boy plays the guitar too,” Dad said.
“Barely.” I shifted in my seat and felt my ears get hot, and I had half a mind to tell him he was embarrassing me in front of my friends.
He frowned. “Now that I think about it, the stick up your—”
“Hey!” I widened my eyes pointedly. We had kids here, and Nate was always listening.
Dad rolled his eyes. “My point exactly. You weren’t always this way.” He turned to Maggie. “You shoulda seen him growing up. He always had a record in his hand. He wanted to be a critic or something—travel the country and review bands.”
“I love the job I have, thank you very much,” I said, watching Jess fumble with his slice. “Sweetheart, over the plate. Give him a napkin, Dad.”
Maggie smiled at my foolish boyhood dreams, then nodded at Kieran. “He wanted to be a police officer when he was little.”
“You did?” I coughed, and a mouthful of pizza slid down heavily. I reached for my beer and took a swig.
Kieran inclined his head. “In my family, you’re either a cop or a factory worker. Took me a minute to look outside the family trades. Standing in some assembly line held zero appeal, so…”
He’d make a hot police officer. But good fucking grief, the worry…? Brianna and I never had to worry about Dad growing up; his infantry days had been over for a long time, but it was the environment in which I’d grown up. We lived on bases or in communities where wives and children weren’t always lucky enough to have their husband or father come home.
It wasn’t much different for policemen, particularly not in cities like Boston.
Dad was the first to leave around ten, and Maggie wasn’t far behind. Jaylin was tired and fussy, so Maggie thanked us for tonight and told Kieran not to drink too much. Valid point, I supposed. But since Jess and Nathan were close to passing out, drinking wasn’t on our minds.
After helping Jess brush his teeth and getting him ready for bed, I heard Kieran down the stairs, saying Maggie had texted and was wondering if I had plans for my thirtieth birthday yet.
“She forgot to ask earlier,” he added.
“I’m having some people over,” I replied, guiding Jess to his room. “I’ll tell you more soon, but let her know not to make plans for the Saturday after my birthday.”
“Will do.”
I went through my nightly routine with Jess, followed by a similar routine with Nate. They both got ridiculously inquisitive around bedtime, but where Jess asked what we were having for dinner tomorrow, Nathan asked about space, gravity, and how astronauts went to the bathroom.
I was grateful they fell asleep fast, though. I cherished our little moments, and I did my best to answer all the questions—or say I’d look it up—but when it became time to sleep, I needed it to just happen. I was tired too, dammit.
I remembered when Nathan was about four or five. He went through this phase where he was almost asleep, and then he was suddenly wide awake and needed a drink. Then he’d try to sleep again, only to rush to the bathroom twenty minutes later. It was a constant running back and forth.
When I reached the last step, I saw Kieran in the living room. He had his back to me and was looking at a family picture in the entertainment center. Unless he was captivated by Jess’s video games stacked next to the photo, of course.
I approached Kieran, having looked forward to this all night. It wasn’t the first time he’d stayed behind to shoot the shit, and it wasn’t weird he stayed behind now either. We’d just…be doing other things.
I pressed a kiss to his neck and felt tension leave his shoulders. “We’re alone.”
He hummed, and I slipped my hands under his tee, drawing them absently over his abs. “You look happy in this picture,” he murmured.
Resting my chin on his shoulder, I glanced at the photo. “We’d just come home from the hospital with Jess.” I was holding him in the picture—that thankfully didn’t express how much that boy screamed as a newborn. Allison stood next to me, her hands on Nathan’s head, and he was making a face at the camera. Brianna took it, I remembered. Everything was so different back then. “I worry about Nate sometimes,” I admitted. “He becomes more distant toward Allison every time she comes home.”
“Makes sense,” Kieran replied quietly. “What about Jess? Can he even remember a time when she lived here permanently?”
No. He actually couldn’t.
Over the holidays, Allison and I had explained to him that by next summer, she would be home for good. The puzzled look on his face had been as funny as it had been a rude awakening. I only feared Allison didn’t take it seriously enough. She knew she was missing out, and yet… She didn’t seem to see what a big deal this was.
“I guess we’re lucky with him,” I said eventually. “He doesn’t hold grudges.”
“I get it.” Kieran turned around. “You’re an amazing father.”
I smiled and closed my eyes, letting the contentment fall over me. “So are you.”
He kissed me carefully, slowly, and took a step forward. I took the hint and deepened the kiss as he walked me backward to the couch. What I craved the most tonight was skin on skin and all the affection I could get, so I started with his T-shirt. The kiss broke long enough for me to pull the tee over his head, and then he was back. He pushed his tongue into my mouth and unbuttoned my shirt, and I was more than happy to help.
“What the hell?” He frowned, even as his eyes glinted with humor. “You shit. You took out your piercing?”
