If We Could Go Back, page 29
The drive to Allison’s and Maggie’s was only a few minutes long, and then it was time to pick up the kids. Kieran went one way, and I went the other.
How many times had we stopped on either side of the fence to steal a moment together before we went home separately?
Never again.
“She’s gonna bring it up,” Kieran told me. “Gut feeling.”
“I don’t see why she would.” I frowned and knocked on the door.
Kieran disappeared out of sight, though I heard him laughing. Did he know something I didn’t? Otherwise, I saw no reason for him to put fifty bucks on Allison choosing this very moment to ask me if Kieran and I were together.
It was Frank who opened the door, and Allison and the boys were behind him in the hallway getting ready.
“Morning, man.” Frank smiled.
“Good morning, Frank. I see you guys’ve been busy.”
He chuckled. “They’ve been up since seven. Jess is excited about the cake.”
Of course, he was my son.
Frank excused himself to get started on breakfast for him and Allison.
Nate was ready to go. He gave his mum a quick hug on the way out and passed me to join Dad in the car.
“I’m almost ready, Dad!” Jess called nervously. “No, not like that, Mom.” Allison was trying to make his hair nice, and I could’ve told her it was a lost cause. Actually, she should know that by now. Nate had inherited my hair; it was a bit wavier but fairly easy to tame. Jess… Poor boy was stuck with a mess of whorls and cowlicks.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know how you want it,” Allison said.
“Like Kieran does it,” Jess protested. He was close to throwing a fit, so I intervened.
“Sweetheart, we can fix that at the church,” I told him. “We’re arriving early so you can get dressed without rushing.” And to minimize the opportunities to spill. “Kieran will help you with your hair.” Because his messy hair was similar.
Jess huffed and ripped the comb from Allison’s fingers.
“Hey.” I threw him an irritated look of warning. “Be respectful, Jess.”
He sulked. “I’m sorry, Mom. Can we go now?”
I stepped to the side as he put on a hoodie, and after giving his mum a hug, he ducked out. I could hear Kieran and Jaylin somewhere outside too.
“We’ll be back on Sunday,” I said to Allison. “Are you guys home around four?” This was technically her weekend.
“Yeah, no problem,” she answered. “By the way, while I have you alone…”
Fuck. No.
She took a few steps closer and hugged herself. “The past couple of months, I’ve noticed Jess talking more about Kieran.” She looked up at me, hesitant. “Aren’t you worried he might get too attached?”
“Who?” I quirked a brow.
“Kieran, of course—while he’s staying with you. And, you know, since he’s gay.”
This was not the way I thought this conversation would go. So Kieran wasn’t actually correct. Allison didn’t suspect me. After all this time. After the stories the kids shared. Hell, she was neighbors with Maggie! Did the two never talk anymore? Allison couldn’t possibly be so removed from reality.
I had to be clear. “Let me get this straight.” Oh, the irony. “You’re worried Kieran might be too attached to me?”
She furrowed her brow and nodded. “Of course. Aren’t you?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Well, I should certainly hope he’s too attached to me. It would’ve been a painfully one-sided relationship otherwise.”
She blinked, then shook her head quickly as if to clear it. “Wait, what?”
I smiled. “Kieran and I—”
“We gotta go, Ben!” Kieran hollered from the car. “We’ve got one Nate and two cranky ten-year-olds who need to change too.”
Oh, joy. Jaylin was also in a mood. It was going to be a lovely drive to Seattle.
“I’m not ten yet,” I heard Jaylin snap.
“I’m not cranky!” Jess shouted.
“Okay, he’s not cranky, and she’s not ten yet!” Kieran yelled.
I laughed and turned back to Allison.
She was staring at me in shock, no mirth found whatsoever. Pardon me, I thought Kieran’s exchange with the kids had been funny.
“You and him?” she questioned. “You’re together? As in—you’re together?”
My amusement faded, and I nodded once. “We are, yes. I understand it’s a surprise—it was to us too.” Sort of, technically, in the beginning. “It took me a long time to realize how I felt.” Sort of, technically, in the beginning.
“Jesus,” she mumbled, touching her lips. “Here I was, thinking your next partner would be that Ashley woman you work with.”
It wasn’t the first time she’d brought up Ash, and it was just as strange now. Ash and I had virtually nothing in common, though we worked well together for bigger accounts, plus we were both happily involved with others. She’d been married for a few years now.
Sometimes, we believed what we wanted to believe as well. It could be convenience. Allison felt it was reasonable and easy to suspect a coworker of mine, and perhaps that was partly why she didn’t ask if Kieran had been the one I’d had an affair with when I was with her. Time was also a factor. Hurt, bitterness, and anger had expiration dates. We’d let each other go and didn’t care as much, so long as the boys didn’t suffer.
“We have to go.” I rubbed the back of my neck. “Now you know, though.”
She snorted. “Yeah, thanks for the heads-up.” She gave me a wry look. “You do whatever makes you happy, Bennett, but since it involves our sons, maybe you tell me a little sooner next time.” She had to be joking. “Jess and Nate have been acting like you guys are a family for weeks, and I didn’t understand. I was under the impression Kieran was staying with you guys until he found his own place.”
She wasn’t kidding.
“Since when does that matter to you?” I asked curiously. “You introduced Frank to the boys before I even knew he existed.”
Allison had no response to that, aside from looking annoyed, and I truly had to go.
“We’ll be back on Sunday,” I said. “Call if you won’t be home.”
A big church wedding had never been my sister’s style. I could’ve pictured her getting married at city hall or perhaps a destination wedding in India. But this part was for Chris’s family’s sake. A little over two hundred people filled the church, and I was the last one to take my seat.
“How’s Jaylin?” Kieran asked hesitantly.
“It’s fine. She was just nervous.” I slipped my hand into his as violins started playing. A low murmur traveled through the church, and everyone turned to see the wedding party enter.
I was ready with my camera.
“It was sweet of your sister to include her,” Kieran said, keeping his voice down.
I thought so too. Brianna wasn’t getting married with a maid of honor by her side. She’d asked the boys—and recently Jaylin—to be there with her instead.
I grinned widely as I saw Nate walking first, Jess and Jaylin only a couple feet behind. They looked so cute in their suits. Which I wasn’t allowed to call Nathan anymore. He was a teenager now; he was almost taller than his aunt, and he’d become frustrated when I had—in his opinion—taken too many pictures.
Jess soaked up the attention and smiled for everyone. Now that Kieran had gotten his hair “just so,” life was good again.
Jaylin grinned shyly as she passed us, and Kieran and I continued taking photos. Me with the camera, him with his phone.
“She’s too adorable for words,” I murmured.
“So are the boys,” Kieran responded quietly.
Dad and Brianna were next, and I got a lump in my throat. I had the best sister a bloke could ask for, and I was incredibly happy for her.
“You’re beautiful,” I mouthed as we locked eyes.
She beamed behind her veil.
Dad looked proud as hell.
“I didn’t think shit was gonna get emotional,” Kieran whispered.
We straightened and sat forward when the wedding party had passed us, and I glanced over at Kieran. Thank fuck, he was a little misty-eyed too.
Kieran wove our fingers together, and we watched Brianna kiss Dad’s cheek before taking Chris’s hand.
“I love you.” I squeezed Kieran’s hand.
“I love you too.”
The minister opened the ceremony with a talk of new beginnings. How life was a journey with stops along the way, and that it wasn’t about how far we came before our final destination, but that we were surrounded with loved ones who’d shared our journey.
It was a speech for Brianna and Chris, who hadn’t met as kids, who hadn’t been there for each other through college. They’d met along the way. Like Kieran and I had, which was why it was difficult not to take the speech personally. Particularly for Kieran. I felt him tense up a bit when the minister spoke of the importance of family.
I squeezed his hand again. He tightened his grip and released a breath.
We were family. I was his family. He had my sister, my father, and my sons too. Two of his brothers and his youngest sister would move here at the end of the year. We were going to build something better, something that never let go of him.
“I’m going to force you into one dance with me later,” I whispered.
Kieran mustered a sideways smile and shook his head. “No force needed. Just don’t get pissy when I step on your feet.”
I was looking forward to it.
He did step on my feet a couple times, and I’d never cared less. At an estate outside of the city, in a ballroom that looked more like a posh greenhouse, under a glass ceiling with ivy and chandeliers, I got to dance with Kieran.
We were so full, from amazing food to all the impressions of the day, so we didn’t talk much. Yet, we managed to convey everything we needed. He squeezed my hand and nodded at the door, and I followed his gaze to see Nate dart out of the ballroom.
I chuckled under my breath, and Kieran smirked.
Nathan had been asked to dance by probably all the girls his age, and he’d had it. He’d warned us already, in his adult way, that he might escape for some “bloody privacy” soon.
The band started playing a song that was slower than the last one, and I quirked a brow in silent question.
One more?
Kieran smiled and pulled me closer, our foreheads touching.
I’d never found such contentment in a public setting before. There was freedom in the whole experience, being able to dance with the love of my life at a wedding. Something I hadn’t thought would matter so much before.
It put me to ease that Kieran seemed to enjoy it too. Because I would’ve understood if he’d be wary of this initially. Having spent a life in hiding…it would’ve made sense that he still glanced over his shoulder here and there. Instead, he had an appetite for it, whether it was kissing me in the doorway to his office when I stopped by with lunch or we went out for dinner in Camassia. Perhaps because he’d deprived himself of it until now.
I sighed, relaxed, and closed my eyes.
“We’re gonna start our own traditions, right?” Kieran murmured.
I hummed. “Many of them.” I knew he was thinking about his family. I’d caught his pensive expressions, and the grief that sometimes lingered, throughout the evening. With the number of siblings, aunts, and uncles he had, he’d probably attended a lot of weddings.
“Good.” He kissed me. “It’s getting easier.”
I opened my eyes and stroked his cheek. “You don’t have to reassure me, love. I know it still hurts.”
He nodded minutely. “It does, but then I think about everything we can do. You and me. All the Christmases and Easters and birthdays—we’ll make them ours. I want our house to be the place where everyone gets together.”
I kissed him quickly and tried not to get choked up as our entire future became so incredibly vivid. “Fuck yes,” I said instead. “We’ll start with a Halloween party for adult friends so we can get fall-down drunk as rock stars and hockey players.”
Anticipation and happiness ignited in his eyes. “Then Christmas when my brothers and sister get here.”
“An Easter egg hunt in the backyard for the kids, obviously.”
“And a Fourth of July barbecue.”
I closed the distance and kissed the smile off his face. “Love you.”
“Mmm, love you too. You have no idea how much, Ben.”
Chapter 29
On December 22nd that year, I watched Kieran and Connor hug in the sea of arrivals at the airport in Seattle.
With help from Desmond, Kieran had convinced Connor and Grace to move before the holidays instead of after. We had traditions to begin, and everyone had to be there.
“Con needs this,” Grace murmured and wiped a tear from her face. “He’s struggled a lot this year.”
It looked like they all had. Desmond had lost a bit of weight, and Grace was visibly exhausted.
“Brent gave us a final lashing before we left,” Des revealed. “I almost throat-punched him.”
I shook my head, and part of me was angry that Kieran was letting Jaylin go to Boston for New Year’s. Maggie was still his parents’ most precious daughter-in-law, and she’d been invited over the holidays. So Maggie would fly out with Jaylin on the twenty-eighth.
Kieran said he was only relieved, because he wanted the kids to be kept out of the drama. This way, Jaylin would still have a relationship with her cousins.
Still. Jaylin was a clever girl. In a few years, she wouldn’t buy the hollow “Daddy’s fighting with Nana and Pop-Pop” excuse.
Kieran was right, of course. I wanted the children to be protected from grown-up bullshit for as long as possible too. It was just my bitterness that reared its head sometimes. After everything they’d done to Kieran, they didn’t deserve shit.
They’d clearly been rough with Connor too. Abuse wasn’t always physical. Kieran pulled away from the hug slightly, only to cup the back of Connor’s head and say something we couldn’t hear. Connor nodded and wiped at his cheeks, and Kieran hugged him again.
“I’m glad you guys are here.” I put an arm around Grace’s shoulders for a quick squeeze, and she smiled gratefully. “Kieran’s been counting the days.”
“So have we,” she laughed softly.
“Seriously,” Des chuckled. “It’s a second chance at life, for fuck’s sake.”
Kieran and I knew a thing or two about that.
It wasn’t only big family traditions Kieran and I wanted to start. Everyday life consisted of the little things, and we had new family members to grow closer to. For Kieran, it was Nate and Jess. For me, it was Jaylin.
Nate put it best one morning, when Kieran had announced he was taking the kids to find us a tree and I wasn’t allowed to tag along. Nathan had pushed up his glasses and said, “So, like, you could say we’re a five-ply rope in this family. Each ply needs to be tended to. Because you want to do something that’s just ours, and Dad will do something else where you’re not allowed to come.”
Kieran’s new little tradition was to get a tree with the kids. It’d been an afternoon just for them; he’d picked them up from school and headed out with lemonade and sandwiches.
We’d decorated the tree together the next weekend.
On Christmas morning, it was my turn. Nate and Jess woke me up around five, and I grunted sleepily and told them to wake up Jaylin. Then I detangled myself from Kieran, yawned, and got dressed in a pair of sweats and a Red Sox tee.
I was in the kitchen making hot cocoa when I heard the kids failing at being quiet on the way down the stairs. Nate was explaining the meaning of the song while Jess rambled about Grampa’s old bestest friend, Thomas.
I smiled to myself and carefully rotated my left shoulder.
We’d spent the past two days getting Des, Grace, and Connor settled in their new place in the Valley. Kieran and I had taken out a loan to buy the loft, and once they got settled into their own apartments, however long it might take, Kieran was going to put in an offer at the loft next door and turn it into a local office. He’d finally decided to just open a small branch for his business here in town.
With four mugs of cocoa and too much whipped cream ready, I carried a tray into the living room where the kids waited expectantly on the couch. My place was still on the floor, and someone had pushed out the table for me, plus brought out my guitar.
“Don’t forget to tell the story too,” Jess reminded me.
“I remember,” I chuckled.
Jaylin was seated in the middle of the couch, and she smiled sleepily at me. “I’ve never heard it before.”
“It’s a good thing you’re here now.” I winked and handed her the last mug. Then I got comfortable on the floor while they fanned out Nate’s duvet. And didn’t spill, thank goodness.
As I tuned the guitar, Duke looked up from his bed by the tree, blinked slowly, then went back to sleep.
I eased into the familiar music. “So your grandfather wrote this song for his unborn son.”
“The son is Dad,” Jess whispered.
I cracked a grin and shook my head. “Once upon a Christmas,” I started, strumming on the guitar, “a young man sat up all night and watched his pregnant wife as she slept. His son would be born in a few weeks.” I hummed with the tune. “The young man prayed for words of wisdom. Words he could one day give his son. He prayed for advice, and then he remembered his best friend.”
“Thomas—I told you about him,” Jess told Jaylin.
“No spoilers,” Nate chastised.
“He spent the night before Christmas thinking of his best friend and everything the young man had learned from him. He sat by the tree and wrote in his journal what he imagined his best friend would tell him now.” I tinkered wordlessly for a minute and cleared my throat. I still wasn’t the best singer. “Oh, but James, you have your own book in the Book of James… As the body without the spirit is dead…so faith without deeds is dead, so my James…” I hummed some more, the lyrics hitting me differently this year. “You tell your boy one day…what a good deed is.”
