If We Could Go Back, page 28
“No, I’m good,” Kieran said and sat down. “We won’t take up much time.”
The nerves made a swift return as I sat down next to him.
“All right, what do you want to talk about?” Maggie sat down across from us and slid her gaze from Kieran to me. She was curious about why I was here, I could tell.
Kieran shifted forward in his seat a bit and bounced his knee restlessly. “Since the kids will be with us next week, we wanted you to hear this from us instead of from Jaylin.” He cleared his throat and cracked his knuckles. Such a telltale sign of his discomfort. “It’s about us—Ben and me.”
Maggie sat back and folded her arms over her chest, and one eyebrow hitched.
Jesus Christ. Here we go. My heart started pounding.
“We’re together,” Kieran said.
I sent a quick skyward glance and braced myself for Maggie’s anger.
She spluttered first, and she stared at us blankly. But as the seconds ticked by and neither of us laughed at what she probably hoped was a joke, her eyes grew wide.
“I don’t want you to get upset with Ben,” Kieran murmured. “He wanted to do the right thing and tell—”
I put a hand on his arm and shook my head. “Don’t.” The last thing I wanted was credit for something that might earn me one brownie point when I’d lost hundreds. I’d been desperate and halfway into a depression when I met Kieran, but I’d been fully aware of who I was hurting.
Kieran sighed and leaned back.
“You’re serious,” Maggie whispered. She didn’t look angry as much as she looked like she was going to be sick. “The two of you? You, Bennett? Since when are you gay?”
I opened my mouth to respond, only to close it again. What was I supposed to answer? This wasn’t about my confusing sexuality. I’d never thought of myself as anything other than straight, but then Kieran came along, said, “Hold my whiskey,” and made me fall head over heels.
“I didn’t understand my feelings for a long time.” It was the truth, at least.
Maggie shot Kieran a snide look at that. “I’m sure my ex-husband-to-be was more than happy to explain things.”
Kieran’s expression flattened, and he took a deep breath.
Maggie shook her head and averted her gaze. “I can’t believe this. Ten years of marriage down the drain because you couldn’t keep a simple promise.”
“Sim—” I hadn’t heard her right. Right? “Do you think any of this has been simple for Kieran, Maggie? It wasn’t a promise he couldn’t keep. It was pretending to be someone he wasn’t that became too much, though I’m sure your encouraging him to keep up this charade prolonged your marriage.”
“Your turn.” Kieran spoke under his breath and shook his head subtly at me. “Don’t bother.”
Actually…
“He lost most of his family for this,” I told Maggie. Because I had to get that out. “His parents won’t talk to him, his brothers put him in the fucking hospital. I was there to see him. I saw the bruises and how he could barely move. Don’t call that simple. I—” Christ, I hadn’t intended to get worked up. “I’m extremely sorry you got caught in this, Maggie. I feel awful about it. You didn’t deserve to get hurt. But this wasn’t simple—for either of us. We’re done lying, though. To others and ourselves. We’ve fought it—Kieran much more so than me—but we’re done. It happened. I love him with everything I am, and I wouldn’t change that.”
I would never go back. Ever.
Kieran took my hand under the table, maybe to shut me up, maybe to…just hold it; I wasn’t sure. I had nothing more to say anyway. I did feel guilty for having hurt Maggie, but I couldn’t cope with an alternative where she got to keep the image of a perfect family and Kieran and I were miserable.
I couldn’t.
“You can go,” Maggie said, refusing to look at us. “Both of you—out, please. My family’s ruined, so excuse me if I’m not jumping for joy at your…union.”
I clenched my jaw but said nothing.
Kieran glanced at me, then nodded at the hallway. Let’s go. I stood up and followed him out, and when he grabbed two of the boxes waiting for him, I picked up the other one.
Then we left and started to walk back home.
My head was a jumbled mess, though that was nothing new. And not all bad either. My life before Kieran had been almost as black-and-white as my childhood; there’d been an easy answer to everything. It was either yes or no, sometimes maybe later. But I’d learned firsthand how incredibly dull life was without nuance. I didn’t want my existence to be predictable and easy anymore. With Kieran and the children, I felt more than ready to take on uncertainties and adventures.
It made me think. Did we lead uncomplicated lives with the people we wouldn’t trust to go to war with? Had I avoided picking fights with Allison because I’d known deep down we weren’t strong enough to survive them?
I blew out a breath and adjusted my grip on the boxes, and I glanced over at Kieran. “Are you okay?”
He appeared to be deep in thought, and I brought him back. He inclined his head. “Just thinking you might be the first person ever who gets me. There isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, Ben. I was blind for too long, and now—” He shook his head. “I just wish I’d seen it sooner. Or hadn’t been such a fucking coward to pursue happiness. To pursue you.”
I smiled and walked a little straighter.
I’d go to war with him any day of the week.
Chapter 28
“I can’t believe we pulled it off with so little time.” Kieran hugged me from behind and rested his chin on my shoulder, and we both stared at our day’s work. A boring guest room slash office slash gym had turned into a princess’s badass lair.
Jaylin loved black and purple, so that’s what she’d gotten.
Her Barbies, books, magazines, and movies filled a shelf that took up an entire wall. Her clothes had found a home in a new armoire that Kieran had cursed at least a dozen times while assembling. She had a new desk, a new bed, and on the nightstand was a new lamp that was black with purple satin bows on it. A teenage girl with black hair and a lot of eyeliner had helped us in the store.
This weekend, we were hanging Jaylin’s baby pictures where Nate’s and Jess’s were on the staircase.
“Should we summon the punk princess?” I asked and turned to kiss his cheek.
He nodded.
We’d told Jaylin she wasn’t allowed up here until we were done with “something,” so she was downstairs watching a movie.
Brianna would be here soon with the boys too.
Telling Nate and Jess about Kieran and me probably wouldn’t cause much reaction. Their mother had a new partner, and they knew not everyone wanted someone of the opposite gender. In retrospect, I could see why my father had been the one who pushed a bit harder to normalize same-sex relationships when we were kids, for which I was grateful today.
Kieran wasn’t worried about that aspect either. Jaylin had come home last year with a book about two moms who had a baby together. We could thank her teacher for that one, though Kieran admitted with a wry smirk that Maggie had been against the book. Not because she had anything against other sexualities, but because it hit too close to home, and she’d lived in denial as much as Kieran had.
“Monkey,” he hollered down the stairs. “Can you come up here a second?”
We waited while Jaylin paused her movie and scrambled off the couch, and then we saw her walking up the stairs.
“What’s up?” She fiddled with one of her pigtails. The rubber bands at the ends had purple skulls attached to them. At this rate, her favorite store in a couple years would be Hot Topic.
“Ben and I wanna show you something,” Kieran replied. He nodded at her room, where the door stood open.
Jaylin did a double take at the sight of it, then rushed inside to look around. “All my stuff is here, Daddy. Oh my gosh, look at the lamp! I love it!”
Kieran sent me a nervous smile before entering the room. “It’s pretty cool, isn’t it?”
She nodded, wide-eyed. I could tell she liked her room. I could also tell she was confused, because the plan was for them to get a place of their own.
While Kieran sat down on the edge of her bed, I stayed closer to the door, opting for the desk chair.
Kieran patted the spot next to him for Jaylin. “We’re not gonna move again, baby.”
She sat down with a wary expression. “We’re not?”
He shook his head. “What do you think about us staying here with Ben, Nate, and Jess?”
At that, she looked over at me.
I smiled gently, suddenly nervous as hell. “This would be your home too. You’d share the upstairs with the boys.”
Her brows knitted together. Her frown was all Kieran. Just like her hair, her eyes, and her cheeky smirks. “Where’s Daddy gonna sleep?”
Kieran cleared his throat, and we exchanged a quick glance, to which I nodded.
“In the bedroom downstairs,” he answered. “With Ben.”
Poor girl, we’d confused her further now. She scrunched her nose and became skeptical. “You’re gonna share? But you have a million things in the attic, Daddy. It’s never gonna fit in Bennett’s room.”
I let out a laugh. She wasn’t lying. Kieran had left his old house with a lot of gadgets. He’d been adorably bashful about his spending ways. Then he’d lit up when I had suggested we turn the garage into something useful. We never parked our cars there anyway, and I wouldn’t say no to a pool table. The only reason we’d put his moving boxes in the attic for now was because the garage door needed fixing. It didn’t close properly.
“We have a plan for the million things.” Kieran took her hand and dropped a kiss on top of it. “What I’m trying to tell you is that Ben and I going to be sharing a room as parents do. We’re not only friends anymore. We love each other.”
Jaylin’s mouth formed a silent “oh,” and she blushed furiously as her gaze flicked between Kieran and me. “You kiss and stuff?”
Kieran stifled a smile, somewhat. Well, he tried. “We do.”
She squeaked in embarrassment.
I realized I was holding my breath, so I exhaled and wondered when she was going to ask if this was why her mother and father separated. Then I became unsure. Perhaps she wasn’t old enough to even have that question.
“My daddy’s your boyfriend?” Jaylin asked me, still recovering.
“Yes, darling.” Amusement—not to mention relief—trickled in when her reaction was so innocent and age-appropriate. At ten, or almost ten, she found boys gross. Unless it was Jess. Now she was learning that I was willingly kissing a boy, and that was positively abhorrent.
“But girls are so much better,” she grated. “We’re not jerks.”
I grinned.
“I’m gonna let you hold on to that opinion until you’re thirty.” Kieran kissed the top of her head. “Are you okay with this, though? Me and Ben together and us living here with them?”
She nodded slowly, processing for all she was worth, and a crease appeared in her forehead. “We smell better too.”
Well, I couldn’t quite agree there. I thought Kieran smelled bloody amazing.
Kieran winked at me over her head and hugged Jaylin to him. “I don’t smell bad.”
“After you run, you totally do,” she huffed. “You stink.”
Safe to say, we wouldn’t have any major issues with Jaylin. She’d probably blush and be embarrassed when she saw us kiss or hold hands for a while, but she was clearly more focused on other things. Such as boys being smelly jerks.
“Hallelujah!” was Brianna’s reaction to my new relationship. Then she kissed Kieran’s cheek, my cheek, and apologized for having to dash right away. Her parting words were, “Chris and I have reservations, but I’m so happy for you, and I’ll arrange the seating chart for the wedding.”
That was good to know, I supposed.
After stowing away Nate’s and Jess’s new suits, it was time to continue the coming-out train before Jaylin spilled the beans, and I’d been right not to worry. Jess had a similar yet opposite reaction to Jaylin. Girls were gross! He was happy that I’d picked a boy instead, although he wasn’t immune to squirming in embarrassment at the sight of displays of affection. And all I’d done was squeeze Kieran’s hand.
My sweet Nate was relieved purely for innocently selfish reasons. With Allison meeting Frank, there’d been natural changes at their house. It happened with any new relationship. Things changed, like routines and rules, and Nathan wasn’t fond of that—whether it was good or bad. But he knew Kieran. He liked Kieran. Kieran was good people.
I could count on my sons to turn the whole conversation into an anticlimactic event, where they—shortly after they’d said they were fine with all this—asked what we’d have for dinner.
They stared at Kieran when they waited for an answer.
Kieran appeared to be waiting for the other shoe to drop, but he managed to say tacos. Actually, it sort of came out as a question, and the kids approved. Then Kieran ducked out of the living room, and I followed him into the kitchen where I found him releasing a heavy breath and scrubbing his hands over his face.
“I think coming out to my family gave me PTSD,” he joked weakly. “I should’a known the boys wouldn’t care.”
Ah. I should have known Kieran would be tense for this conversation too. I walked over to him and hugged him to me. “I remember when they came home once after you took them to McDonald’s. Jess thought it was hilarious that you’d ordered a Happy Meal for yourself.” I kissed his neck, recalling how at ease Nate had been. “Nathan, though—you gave him such a boost of confidence that day.” Cupping Kieran’s cheeks, I eased away a few inches to look him in the eye. “You showed him it was okay to order whatever the hell you want from the menu. You showed him that just because his friends had started ordering grown-up meals, he could set his own pace. And he’s looked up to you ever since.”
Kieran relaxed and closed his eyes, resting his forehead to mine.
I loved that he and Nate still carried on their Happy Meal tradition. Kieran bought old collectible toys off the internet and snuck them to Nathan every now and then, and he lit up every time.
“I love you,” he said, taking a deep breath.
“I love you too.” I gave him a quick kiss. “You know, someone once told me that one of the few things we can control is when our second life begins. I want to do that with you and the children now.”
He cracked open his eyes and smirked affectionately. “Was that someone a rock star you had a hard-on for as a kid?”
“I—” was surprised he knew who’d said that. “I certainly didn’t have a hard-on for him.”
Kieran snorted a chuckle and kissed me hard. “Maybe your memory’s just shit, then. You’ve told me that story several times.”
“Oh,” I replied dumbly.
“You’re cute as fuck.” He went in for another kiss, a slow, deep one that stole my breath. “Want me to dress up like a rock star for Halloween?”
“Oh. That’s, uh…” I swallowed hard. Imagining Kieran in tight leathers, his sculpted torso on display—well. I cleared my throat. “Perhaps not a Halloween for kids.”
He grinned and pinched my ass. “Will I see you in Bruins gear then? I can help you with the jockstrap.”
Fucking hell, he seduced me too damn easily. “Consider it done.”
“Perfect,” he murmured against my lips. “But first, we’re starting our second life with tacos.”
Yes, sure. That too.
“You ready to lose a bet, baby?” Kieran called up the stairs. “We gotta go.”
“On my way.” I threw a clean pair of underwear for Jess into the bag and left his room. On my way down the stairs, I adjusted my tie and ran a hand through my hair. Damn, we were late. “For the record, I would’ve won if Allison hadn’t canceled on Nathan’s birthday party.”
When Nate turned thirteen last week, Kieran and I had made a bet on whether or not Allison would figure out he and I were together. As far as I knew, Jess and Nate spoke of us all living together, but I wasn’t sure they went into the kinds of details adults were particularly interested in. In Jess’s eyes, it was much more important to share what candy he’d eaten on the weekend than, say, mention his dad had a boyfriend.
Life had been busy with work the last month, so I hadn’t had the chance to talk to Allison in person very much. I had, on the other hand, left a voice message. But I knew she missed those on occasion.
In the kitchen, I grabbed a few bottles of soda and some snacks, and I saw Kieran had stepped outside to greet my father. Everyone was dressed to the nines today, but Kieran took the prize in his three-piece charcoal suit. I was going with the dark blue suit Brianna had picked out for me, and my tie matched Kieran’s outfit, something she’d made sure of. Same with Kieran’s tie being the same shade as my suit. My bossy sister was bossy and also very much a romantic. The latter was all because of the man she was marrying today.
Once I was done, I left the house and locked the door.
“Looking sharp, sir,” I told Dad. He was going to walk Brianna down the aisle in his formal army uniform, and I wasn’t going to shed a single tear at the two of them. If I kept telling myself that, perhaps it would become reality.
“You too, son,” he replied. “We ready to go?”
I nodded. “We’re taking Kieran’s car.” Because he’d upgraded his this summer, to a black SUV I’d told him we probably wouldn’t need. I was wrong. The only way for the whole family to travel together was in his monstrosity. Jess and Jaylin could sit in the far back. Nathan and Dad would be comfortable in the regular back seats, and then I’d sit next to Kieran and his smug smirk while he drove.
“Did you grab the camera?” Kieran asked me.
“Yes. Did you get the gift?”
“Already in the car,” he answered. “The boys’ suits too.”
Okay, good, we were ready. Duke was getting spoiled by one of Dad’s neighbors, I had packed Jaylin’s dress, drinks and snacks, the gift, and I’d brought Dad’s spare cane in case he needed it. He was leaving town without his, which was just a pride thing. I understood he wanted to give Brianna away without help, but there was the party afterward. He was going to be in pain.
