If We Could Go Back, page 4
“It must be hard, all of this.” Maggie’s eyes flashed with concern, reserved for my sons. “What are her plans for after graduation?”
That was an easier one. For as far away as Allison was now, her future would bring her much closer. “She already has a job lined up in Seattle.” One of her closest friends worked at a local news station there, where she’d join the finance department. Said friend was also sleeping with one of the producers, but I wasn’t supposed to know that. “Where do you work? I don’t think you told me.”
Maggie quirked her lips. “I’m a good little Catholic housewife. I volunteer sometimes, but for the most part, I’m just home.”
“Ah.” I couldn’t imagine. “Do we have a Catholic church in Camassia?” We’d moved here the summer before I went off to college. I felt like I should know.
“Oh, yes. Up in Ponderosa,” she replied.
She went on to tell me about the church activities, such as an annual coat drive and biannual fundraiser for veterans, and I listened with one ear while I snuck glances at what Jess was doing.
She’s here.
I watched her step out of the cab with her carry-on and a thick scarf she threw around her neck.
“Boys, come down here!” I called. Closing the dishwasher, I smiled in anticipation and wondered how long my luck would last. This week certainly had been wonderful. I heard Jess stomping down the stairs, his brother following and sounding less like a little dinosaur.
“Is it dinner?” Jess asked and wiped his nose on his arm.
I snorted and washed my hands after dealing with the dirty dishes. “Not yet, but you can answer the door in…four…three…” Allison climbed the steps to the porch. “Two…one—”
A key wriggled in the lock in the hallway, and Jess flew out of the kitchen.
His shrill excitement followed. “Mummy!”
My gut clenched in a not entirely pleasant way, and I felt like a bitter son of a bitch. It wasn’t fair of me to be jealous. I wondered if this was what Maggie felt, because right now, all I wanted was for Jess to greet me the way he greeted Allison. Then I reminded myself I saw Jess every day, and that did…nothing to dissolve the jealousy.
There was a pitiful voice in the back of my head that demanded acknowledgment from our sons that Daddy was a bit better because he never left.
As I wiped my hands on a towel, I spied Nate smiling hesitantly in the kitchen doorway, eyes no doubt trained on Allison and Jess.
“Nate,” I said softly. “Go say hi to your mum.”
He nodded jerkily and left the doorway, disappearing from sight. For a moment, all I heard was Allison gushing over the boys and Jess making plans for us this weekend. Each request was fired off rapidly, and my wife had to remind him to breathe.
I gave them a minute before it was my turn to lean against the doorframe, and my mouth twisted up as I saw all three of them on the floor. Allison was peppering Nate’s face with kisses, slowly thawing him out.
Allison spotted me, hugged Nate closer, and beamed at me. “Bennett.”
“Welcome home.”
After making myself a cup of tea, I donned a jacket and stepped out onto the terrace in the backyard. It was my thinking place on sleepless nights. The neighborhood was quiet, and I was greeted by the stunning sky and its millions of stars.
My breath fogged in the cold.
I’d turned and twisted for hours, so I was done thinking on this particular night. Instead, I brought out my phone and sent the message I’d debated over whether or not I should send for the past half hour.
Was your weekend as awful as you predicted?
I didn’t expect a response, given the hour, so I was surprised to see his text show up.
Who’s this?
I took a sip of my tea and replied.
I’m not Joy in 4A with the perfect train attendance.
He sent a smiley, with a colon and a parenthesis, then sent another message.
Shame. I should give her my number.
I chuckled into the mug, and he texted me once more.
Worse than I predicted. How was yours? Shouldn’t you be ravishing the missus before she’s off again?
“You’d think,” I muttered. My reunion with Allison on Friday had left a lot to be desired, but that was understandable. She’d been tired, and catching up with the boys was, of course, a priority. Saturday had been marginally better. Sunday too. Now it was technically Monday, and she was leaving in a few hours.
Sorry to hear about your weekend. Mine was all right, albeit exhausting. Back to normal tomorrow.
I took another swallow of my tea while he responded, and I looked down at my feet. My plain slippers were a keepsake from a hotel, and they didn’t stand a chance against the damp floorboards of the terrace.
You going to Seattle this week?
Unfortunately not.
No. Between now and Thanksgiving, I have two work trips to Boston and one to Portland, and I haven’t assembled my team yet. It’s going to be a busy month.
Conversation lulled while I finished my tea and peered up at the night sky.
It really was going to be a busy month. In fact, wasn’t I always going to be busier now? The Westwater account would be my main focus for years to come, I hoped. I’d be making quarterly trips to their headquarters in Boston, leaving me one day a week for meetings with my regular clients in Seattle. Before Thanksgiving, though, a coworker would cover those for me.
My phone buzzed with a new message from Kieran.
When was the last time you did something crazy?
My forehead creased, and I reread the text several times. Crazy didn’t have a spot in my life. Sort of like cocaine.
I was in college and remember it vividly. Because nine months later, we had Nathan.
Kieran ha-ha’d at that before typing another message.
Get some sleep, Ben. And text me when you wanna go out.
I hated being called Ben. I’d never been able to figure out why, only that it made my blood boil. Perhaps I was too tired to muster any anger now, though, because I ignored it and sent a last message.
Will do. Goodnight, Kieran.
Chapter 4
During the next several weeks, I often found myself wanting to go out with Kieran for a beer or four, but I just never had the time. We texted sometimes; he sent me a few updates on official train news, like the one time Joy in 4A wasn’t in her seat. Kieran suspected alien abduction, until the next day when she was back.
He made me laugh.
Thanksgiving was a lovely holiday that I got to spend with my boys, Dad, and my sister. Despite missing Allison and believing she should’ve been there, it was relaxing, in a way, to be alone with my immediate family.
Wednesday the following week, I came to work early so I could get as much done as possible. I was heading out with Dad, Nate, and Jess later to pick out a tree, which would be our second year doing it. It was going to be my tradition, something the Brooks boys did together.
Being first in the office that morning was nice. The place was quiet, and I stood by the window and had my first coffee in utter silence. No fax machines buzzing, no phones ringing, and no crowded cubicle area.
My eyebrows lifted, and I nearly coughed around a mouthful of steaming coffee. I hadn’t realized that my view of the train station meant I could see Kieran, but there he was. He stepped onto the platform, briefcase in one hand, the morning paper in the other. He was too far away to detect his mood or features, though I could see it was him.
I sent him a text.
It’s thirty degrees out. Wear a scarf.
He dug out his phone and read the message, followed by his head snapping up. I grinned, watching as he looked to see if I was nearby.
God? Is that you? Sorry about the porn mags when I was twelve.
I laughed and replied to him.
I’m in my office. Consider me the friendly neighborhood CCTV.
His response made me laugh again.
This is America, son. Keep that British Big-Brother bullshit across the pond.
The next time I saw Kieran wasn’t until December 19th. I lingered in Seattle after just coming home from Boston, only so I could get on the train I knew he took home every day. I was tired as hell. My mood was sour. The text he’d sent me that one time—about when the last time was I did something crazy—had been going on a loop in my head for a solid week.
My promotion was supposed to turn my life around. Everything was supposed to be great now. I had more ups than downs, but I couldn’t shake the feeling of being stuck. Did all people my age go through this? Possibly. I couldn’t be the only one who constantly asked, “Is this it?”
Adventure seeker, my sister had called me. Right. I had to be the worst one of them, though the fact remained. I wanted to do something crazy. Anything to shake up the dust particles that had settled on my existence.
Spotting Kieran already in his seat, I made my way over and cut straight to it.
“We should go out and get smashed.” I sat down and pushed my carry-on under my seat. “I’m talking ridiculous, can’t-walk-straight drunk.”
He looked at me in surprise in the few seconds it took him to process my popping up out of the blue, not saying hello, and then my statement. His trademark smirk followed. “Hey to you too. And sure. Say when.”
“When,” I joked. All right, I wasn’t the funniest guy I knew. “Tomorrow?” Tonight was Jess’s last swim lesson for the semester, and Allison was already home. We were all going to go see Jess and his group show off what they’d learned this year, and then…well, it was the holidays. With my wife home, we had plans. Dinners, preparations for Christmas, office holiday party, New Year’s.
Kieran winced. “Dinner with the in-laws. How about Saturday?”
Fuck. Was this how it was going to play out? “Office party,” I replied and ran a hand through my hair.
“And we’re going to Boston to see my family on the 26th…”
“Being an adult bloody well sucks sometimes,” I blurted out.
“No shit.” He chuckled lazily and stretched out his legs under the table between us. “You know…it doesn’t have to be an evening.”
I quirked a brow in question.
He shrugged, weaving his fingers together across his toned stomach. “Next time you have work in the city, we’ll hit up a bar before we go home.”
So…Happy Hour to the Extreme. Because I was going to drink so much I passed out.
“After the holidays, I’ll be in Seattle every Wednesday,” I said.
“First Wednesday in January, it is.” He nodded. “How’s life otherwise?”
“Dull.” I felt I could be honest with him. Perhaps I’d lost a few fucks in the past several weeks. Something had to give—soon. “What about you?”
He smiled and nodded once. “Same.”
“Jesus, it’s like Florida in here,” Dad grunted.
Exiting the men’s locker room, I told him to go find a seat so he could rest his bad leg. Allison and Nate were already waiting over by the café.
“You promise you’ll watch every second, Daddy?” Jess looked up at me and extended a pinkie.
I hooked it with mine. “Of course. I promise, buddy.” I guided him to the other side of the pool where his instructor and fellow swimmer kiddos were waiting for the last people to show up.
Maggie’s daughter waved madly when spotting us and ran over.
“Hiii, Mr. Bennett! Hi, Jess!”
I grinned. “Hello, darling.” Squatting down in front of Jess, I hung a towel around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Mum and I will take so many pictures you’ll be seeing them for years.”
He giggled and nodded excitedly.
“Will you take pictures of all of us when we swim?” Jaylin asked. When Maggie had told me Jaylin was a goofball, she hadn’t been joking. The girl was absolutely precious and had no idea what personal space was. “I can count to ten and not breathe under the water!” She beamed proudly, revealing two missing teeth, and played with my tie.
“That’s very impressive.” I brushed away a water droplet from her cheek.
“I can count to eleven,” Jess boasted.
I snorted, and I wasn’t even sure Jaylin had heard him. She let out a squeal and bounced off, shouting, “Daddy!”
I glanced over my shoulder—holy shit—and did a double take. Kieran was Jaylin’s dad? Kieran was Maggie’s husband?
“Hey, monkey, no running.” He chuckled and caught her, picking her up to leave loud kisses on her cheeks. He’d spotted me before I’d seen him, I assumed. He was wearing his smirk as he carried Jaylin over to us. “Twice in one day, man. It must be Christmas.”
I laughed under my breath and rose to a stand. “I didn’t know you were Jaylin’s father.”
“Oh yeah?” He let the girl down again as the kids’ instructor summoned them for a warm-up. “Funny, because I knew you were Nate and Jess’s pop.”
My brow furrowed. How the…
“Mags told me,” he explained. “For the past few months, it’s been Bennett this and Bennett that.”
I didn’t know what to make of that. “You can throw Joy in 4A in my face but not tell me your wife knows me?”
“And miss the surprise on your face when I showed up just now? Fuck no.” He found this way too funny. With a chin nod, he took the lead to go to where all the other family members were gathered. “I think my wife has a crush on you.”
I shook my head, baffled.
Okay, so it was time for introductions, then. In a second, we’d gone from two guys who may or may not become mates to…whatever this was. Two husbands, two wives, kids at a holiday swim meet. What was next, wine tastings and barbecues? For some reason, I wasn’t a fan of this development.
I supposed I wanted something for myself, something that was only mine. I wanted a buddy I could meet up with every now and then without Allison being chummy with him too.
Maggie handled the introductions until it was my turn, and I introduced her and Kieran to Allison and my father.
“Very nice to meet you both.” Allison smiled and shook Maggie’s hand.
The place was crowded this evening, and we ended up standing by the wall on the short end of the pool. Dad had managed to grab a chair from the café, and he had Nate sitting on his good knee, both immersed in the game Nate played on his Nintendo. And when Allison and Maggie started chatting like they’d known each other forever, I felt like I’d lost something.
It was principle more than anything. Maggie and I weren’t that close. But it was a reminder. Allison and I were married, and contrary to our current situation, we were sharing our life together. There was no mine and yours, only ours.
Kieran came to stand next to me, and he leaned in a bit. “Why do you look like someone kicked your puppy?”
I deflated and blew out a breath. I was being ridiculous, surely.
“Just a headache,” I lied. Folding my arms across my chest, I kept my gaze fixed on the kids as they jumped into the water. “You have the most adorable daughter, by the way.”
I caught his smile in the corner of my eye.
“She’s the light of my life,” he murmured. He was watching the children as well. “If it weren’t for her, I don’t know where I’d be today.”
The frustration within me faded, and the next breath came easier. I knew what he was talking about; I knew that exact feeling.
Originally, I’d wanted Kieran to be an escape. Someone I could get wasted with and forget my day. My sister was right; I was looking for something. Something other. Something I didn’t have already. Instead, we were bonding over our children, and that was okay too.
It was forty-five minutes of the children showing they could float, duck their heads underwater, take a few swim strokes, and jump from the edge of the pool.
“Honey?” Allison slipped her hand into mine and kissed my bicep. “I’ve invited Maggie and Kieran over for dinner after the holidays.”
And there we go.
“Sounds great.” I managed a smile and kissed her temple.
She went back to talking to Maggie, and I took another few photos of Jess.
“We’re gonna be those people now,” Kieran said under his breath.
“Yup. Trivial Pursuit Night, here we come.”
“Fuck.” His muttered response made me chuckle. “No offense, but—”
“Don’t.” I shook my head, only glad he got it. “That’s why I looked like someone kicked my puppy.”
I didn’t want double dates and all that couple stuff.
“It’s official,” he told me. “If you cancel on me in Seattle, I’ll kick your fucking ass.”
I tilted my head and studied him, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he needed the same thing I did—as much as I did. Was he also sick of the mundane? We’d obviously made our choices, but it had to be okay to take a breather every now and then.
“First drink’s on me.” I nudged his side with my elbow.
“Deal.”
That was how Kieran Marshall became my friend.
“Daddy.”
Jess never whispered.
Rousing from sleep on a somewhat high Dad-alert system, I cracked one eye open to find both Nate and Jess staring at me. They’d switched on the lamp on the nightstand—oh, bloody hell, it was only four-thirty. I blinked drowsily and yawned, dragging a hand over my scruffy jaw. They wore matching sleepy grins, bed heads, and red PJs with snowmen.
I looked over my shoulder, seeing that Allison was still sleeping, then faced the boys again.
“What’s wrong?” I whispered.
It was one thing to expect them to wake up early on Christmas morning. This was taking things too far.
Jess gestured with his hand, urgent. He wanted me to go somewhere. “Come, we hafta do the song.”
