If We Could Go Back, page 15
Personally, I thought he should use his last name. It was already established in his field.
He accepted the folder and thumbed through it briefly. “One of the reasons I don’t wanna use my initials, and definitely not just Hayes.” He held up one black design where “H” was at the center of a simple, metallic layout. “I don’t need a logo that makes street-corner hustlers salivate.”
Pardon? I cocked my head, confused.
“H for heroin…?”
Oh. Oh! I nodded once, firmly. “Good call.”
“Anyway.” He set the folder aside and planted his forearms on the table. “This is where you come in, Bennett. I’m drawing a blank on the name, but Ellis told me you’re good at that.”
Well, Ellis wasn’t entirely correct. “I know what sells. It’s not necessarily the name you want, if that makes sense.” I paused. “If your name were attached to the logo, your brand would sell itself.”
Our food arrived, giving Lincoln some time to consider what I’d said.
My sub did look mouthwateringly delicious. Pastrami, thinly sliced olives, marinated artichokes, melted mozzarella, grilled bread—Christ, I was coming back here again. And I was bringing Kieran and the kids.
“Listen.” Lincoln cleared his throat. “I recently spent ten years in prison. Everything I knew was gone. I had no plans, no future, and I’d lost the love of my life. Since walking out of those gates a year ago, I’ve learned two things. One, the love of my life still wanted my old ass.” He smirked at that, and I chuckled. “And two, you can never make up for lost time.”
The last one was less funny.
“This is my second chance at life,” Lincoln went on. “But my first will always be what it was. I can’t change that—or take anything back. All I can control is where the first ends and where the second begins. And that’s what I want my name to reflect.”
I nodded slowly, ideas coming to me. At the same time, I couldn’t help but draw parallels between what he’d said and what I was going through in my own life.
You can never make up for lost time.
All you can control is where the first ends and where the second begins.
I knew deep within me that my marriage was falling apart. One day, I was going to ask for a divorce—if Allison didn’t beat me to it. Either way, this part of my life was heading steadily toward its end.
The only questions I had were, when did it end? And would Kieran be part of my life when I started fresh?
He’d said no from the beginning.
Chapter 15
Allison graduated in May. It was a long weekend I spent nauseated most of the time, from the minute our flight departed for Chicago, to the… Actually, it hadn’t ended yet, and I didn’t see how it could, because she was coming home with us after this was over.
Jess was understandably bored and restless during the ceremony, and Nate had his nose buried in his digital reader.
He did need reading glasses, we’d found out, and he was fucking cute in them. Little black frames that further showed what a tiny adult he’d become. Except for the McDonald’s toy he always kept in his pocket these days. He wouldn’t leave home without it.
I didn’t know the details of what had happened the day Kieran took the kids to McDonald’s, other than Jess had come home afterward giggling and shouting, “We had ten Happy Meals! Kieran had Happy Meal also!”
To make Nate relax and order whatever food he wanted, Kieran had devoured several Happy Meals and said he’d keep one of the toys on the dashboard in his car.
I swallowed queasily and tried to refocus. It was Allison’s graduation party at her parents’ house, the place filled with family and friends. Never had I felt more like an outsider, however.
People had come up to me all day asking how proud I was of my wife.
I wasn’t proud. I probably should have been, but I wasn’t.
I pretended, though.
Every now and then, Nate would look up from his book, eye his surroundings, take a sip of his soda, then look down again.
We’d found a good corner to hide out in.
“Dad, when are we going home?” he asked quietly. “I don’t like it here.”
Me either, buddy.
“Sunday.” I combed my fingers through his hair and kissed the top of his head.
“Can we stay at Auntie Brianna’s condo tonight instead?” he wondered, hope flooding his eyes. “I couldn’t sleep very well last night. Lulu kept jumping up in my bed.”
I chuckled. Lulu was Allison’s mother’s useless little diva terrier.
“That sounds like a plan to me,” I replied with a nod. Brianna had thought about selling her condo here for a while, because she spent less and less time in Chicago for work, but I still had my key.
“For the record,” Nate interjected, “if we had a dog, it wouldn’t be like Lulu. Our dog would be perfect.”
Oh, I’d heard that one before.
“Daddy!” Jess hollered. He appeared from the crowd of guests and ran over with something in his hand. “Why have they done this?”
I peered closer as he opened his hands. He’d found some treats for the kids, and it looked like someone had chopped gummy worms and put them inside partially chocolate-covered s’mores.
My forehead creased.
“I only want the gummy worms,” Jess said seriously. “Not the fluffy.”
“It’s marshmallows,” I said unsurely. “I thought you liked that.”
“Not with gummy worms!”
“Hey—indoor voice, sweetheart.” It was hard not to smile. “It’s Mum’s graduation party. Snacks are supposed to be fancy.”
He sighed heavily and perched himself on my lap.
When either of us was dressed up, like today, I kept my pockets stocked with tissues and Purell. So I put down the treats he was so disappointed in and cleaned the chocolate off his hands before it could end up on our shirts.
“Can I call Jaylin?” Jess asked.
“They’re on vacation, remember?” It was Maggie’s parents’ anniversary, and they’d invited Kieran, Maggie, and Jaylin on a cruise between San Francisco and someplace in Mexico. Kieran had looked forward to that about as much as I had looked forward to this.
Jess sighed again.
What a wonderful weekend it was shaping up to be.
I was going to need more than a summer to adjust to the fact that Allison was done with school.
I’d taken the first two weeks off work at her suggestion so we could “reconnect” as a family and go away together. Well, after three days at a family resort in Victoria, I was thrilled to go home.
Everything had felt fake and out of place, not counting spending time with the boys. We’d visited a water park and a wildlife rehabilitation center, and that part had been fun. I absolutely loved watching my sons growing up to be two so different individuals. Nathan’s love for science and, most recently, his obsession with veterinary care for animals were part of a journey I was happy to see him on. He thrived in museums and wherever he could pick up new knowledge. Whereas Jess was all about the next adrenaline rush. In the water park, we’d had to physically tear him away after the eleventh ride on a water slide that made my stomach drop.
At least by the time we came home, Kieran was back from vacation.
He was washing his car when we pulled up, and Nate was the first one to jump out.
Allison and I watched him run over to the Marshalls where Kieran scooped him up in a hug.
I tilted my head. Nathan was speaking animatedly about something in the same way Jess usually discussed pretty much everything in life.
“Well, they’ve grown close,” Allison noted, surprised.
I hummed. I knew they’d shared something since the day Kieran had given Nate the digital reader, which had become even more after their visit to McDonald’s, but I was still figuring out the extent. Both of them were weirdly secretive about it, though in a joking way.
It made the image of a fantasy future painfully vivid.
What if Kieran and I had a house together? What if we were a family?
I stepped out of the car and stretched my back a bit.
Nate was on his way back to our side of the fence.
“Welcome home,” Kieran said with a slight smile. It wasn’t my favorite of his smiles. “Did you guys have a nice vacation?”
“The boys had a blast.” I scratched my arm and walked over to the fence. “How was the cruise?”
“Jaylin had a blast,” he chuckled. Then he turned on his polite charm for Allison as she left the car too, and a couple minutes of useless chitchat ensued while we unloaded the trunk.
Nate and Jess had already disappeared inside.
Allison followed shortly after, leaving me alone with Kieran.
There was a tightness in my chest I couldn’t ease, no matter what distraction I went for.
“Barbecue tonight?” Kieran asked.
I nodded. “Sounds great.”
He studied me for a beat and trailed closer. “Do you need a night together as much as I do?”
I needed a lot more than that.
“Probably more,” I admitted, mustering a quick smirk.
“Impossible,” he murmured. “The jealousy has been insane these past couple of weeks. It legit hurts, knowing you and she…” He cleared his throat and didn’t finish the sentence.
I blew out a breath and scrubbed my hands over my face.
Something had to give soon.
He didn’t like thinking about Allison and me together? He didn’t know the half of it. Living through it was a whole other hell, even though we didn’t have sex often at all. It was when I felt like the biggest of frauds.
“Right.” Kieran had bitterness written all over him. “With that confirmed, how—”
“What did you want me to say, Kieran?” I asked tiredly. “She and I barely touch—”
“Don’t wanna hear it,” he responded tightly. “Anyway. Can we fuck off for a weekend? Go camping or something? Guys do that, don’t they?”
I didn’t care if guys did that or not; we needed to get away. End of story.
“We’ll find time,” I answered.
We had to wait first. We had a packed schedule for all of June, with the last weekend being when we celebrated Nate’s tenth birthday. Then it was the Fourth of July, I had a business trip, and Kieran had too much to do at work.
Quickies in our offices and stolen moments in our everyday life let us hang on by a thread but no more than that, until we finally got our weekend at the end of July.
We headed out early, backpacks full, and drove up the mountains as the sun rose.
It was as if the rays thawed us out.
Every mile we ticked off, the farther into the wilderness we got, I felt myself being brought back to life. A life where everything wasn’t about my boys, work, or finding the next fix.
We didn’t talk much on the drive.
The sky was bright blue. The sun climbed higher and higher. Rock music played quietly in the background. Kieran drove, one hand on the wheel, the other on my thigh. Windows rolled down, sending us wafts of pine and moss.
I took a deep breath and let the rest of the world fade away.
Turning my head along the headrest, I stared at Kieran’s profile and savored the moment. Every fiber of my being ached for him. He didn’t shave religiously in the summer—neither did I, when I thought about it—and he had some sexy scruff across his sharp jaw. Mostly brown, but it glinted ginger and dark blond in the sun. His hair was sun-kissed too. Never neat.
God, how I wanted him. Aside from the boys, he’d become my life.
Kieran threaded our fingers together and brought them close to kiss my fingertips.
All you can control is where the first ends and where the second begins.
“If you could go back…”
I shook my head. “No.” Because, foolishly, I had to hope.
“Good,” he said, exhaling in evident relief. “Me neither.”
We parked by an old campsite not many knew of. We were high up in the mountains, and there was a small freshwater lake that had the most beautiful blue color.
After setting up the tent and preparing a fire, we trailed down to the dock hand-in-hand, something that felt so fucking right I didn’t want to be without it anymore.
Kieran had brought his camera, one of those professional ones he’d bought when he was bored.
“Talk about gorgeous,” he murmured, peering into the lens.
“Yeah.” I looked out over the peaceful water and sighed contentedly. The silence around us was almost as perfect as the scenery. “How cold do you think it is?”
He smiled and took another picture. “Water coming straight from the mountains…? Frigid.”
I grinned. “I guess we should find out for sure.”
“Oh, we definitely should.”
No time to waste, then. I unbuttoned my cargo shorts and took off my shoes. Kieran undressed like Jess. Tee thrown over his head, landing God knows where, pants pushed down with one leg inside out, boots kicked off.
When we were down to our boxer briefs, we walked to the end of the dock and looked down into the crystal-clear water. It was definitely deep enough to dive in, and the bottom of the lake seemed to consist of smooth, rounded rocks.
“On three?” He shot me a grin.
I sucked in a breath and nodded. The sun felt so bloody good on my skin, and now we were willingly jumping into freezing water.
“One,” I said.
“Two.” He took a step back to get ready, and I did the same.
“Three!”
We ran forward and jumped together, my heart starting to race the second before we hit the water with a loud splash. Okay, it wasn’t near-freezing, but holy smokes, it was cold!
He resurfaced before me and was smiling my favorite smile, the one that reached his eyes and was full of happiness, when I swam over to him.
“We needed this.” He slipped an arm around my middle and kissed me softly.
“Definitely.” I cupped the back of his neck, kissing him back with more passion.
Swimming me backward to the dock, he trapped me against an aged stepladder so we could gain footing. And we made out like teenagers, only we were in no rush for once. Feeling him hard against me, I deepened the kiss and pushed down his underwear. He got the hint and took over, and I threw mine up on the dock as he did the same.
I melted into his hold and closed my eyes. “I missed you.”
He shivered as my hands traveled across his back, our kiss slowing down. “I love you.”
Hell.
I kissed him hard and let those three glorious words sink in. Goose bumps covered my arms, and I played his declaration on a loop in my head.
“I love you,” I whispered, kissing his jaw. “I love you with everything I am.”
“Fuck,” he sighed. “Say it again?”
I smiled and bit his chin playfully. “I love you.”
I’d never seen such contentment on his face before. It was indescribable, knowing that I made him feel this way.
“I love you too.” He caught my mouth in a kiss that stole my breath. His tongue stroked mine sensually, his every move heavy with promise. “Let’s get out of the water.”
But we didn’t get very far. Kieran went over to his discarded pants and fished out a condom and lube, and then I had him on his back right there on the dock. He grinned up at me, my head shielding his face from the sun, and stole a quick kiss.
“If I get splinters, it’s on you.”
“I can live with that,” I said, kissing my way down his body.
He exhaled a curse as I sucked his cock into my mouth, followed by his fingers in my hair.
I hummed around his cock and watched him shift in pleasure, his thighs tensing, his hips rolling, abs clenching.
“Just like that, baby.” He groaned and sucked in a sharp breath. “I wanna come before you fuck me.”
Good, because I wanted to see him lose it like this. I redoubled my efforts and hollowed out my cheeks every time I took him as deep as I could, and I stroked the sensitive skin in the crease of his thigh the way he loved.
His grip on my hair always tightened right before he came. He panted out a quick warning, and then my mouth was flooded with his hot release, several ropes sliding down my throat. I continued sucking him off until he collapsed against the wooden boards, and that was my cue. I rolled the condom down my cock and emptied the packet of lube.
“Give it to me.” He yanked me down on him, and I pushed inside as slowly as I could muster. Which was a fucking feat because I needed him too much. With his taste in my mouth, I wanted to let go of all inhibitions.
“Fuck, you feel good,” I whispered huskily. Grabbing his jaw, I angled him for a hard kiss and shoved my cock deep inside. I swallowed his groaned gasp and began fucking him harder. “Take it for me, love.”
“Always,” he gritted out. “Jesus Christ, Ben. Harder.”
I fucked him harder, I kissed him harder, I grabbed at him harder.
“Do you taste that?” I broke a messy kiss and sank my teeth into his neck.
He hissed, digging his fingernails into my shoulder blades. “Mm, you taste better.”
“Now you’re just lying.” I hooked an arm under one of his legs and pushed in even deeper. That was where I hit his sweet spot, the one that got him going in minutes.
He cursed and spurred me on, and for several moments we were all rough hands and teeth. I licked the length of his neck where a bead of sweat trickled down, and he muffled his moans by biting into my shoulder.
“One day, I want to fill your perfect ass with my come,” I murmured, out of breath. He clenched down on me and moaned mindlessly. “Do you want to feel my come running down your thighs, Kieran?”
“Ben—” He screwed his eyes shut and fisted his cock, stroking it roughly. “Oh hell, oh fuck. I think about it all the goddamn time.”
I was losing my fight, the orgasm getting closer and closer. The pleasure crackled within me and sent shivers down my spine.
