Warlock, page 34
Good night, my dirty diary. Hope I’ll not see any of today’s faces in my dreams…”
“Diary entry #59.
All in our life have its own price.
Yeah, I know, it’s a very fresh and unknown before I had said it idea. I’m fucking genius, huh?
But let’s I’m told you a story about one dog. It was born is some dark, nasty corner of this life. Nobody loved it, maybe except of its mom, but hey, if it was brought in such a state into this rude life – maybe even its mom doesn’t love it. It has a life full of fights and searching of food and dry, warm places to sleep. If it’s catch up something in a trash of someone’s house and wasn’t hit with a boot of owners of that trash – it can say that this day is pretty good. It fucked some other dog on the trash heap, like it’s mother, and brought into this fucking world some puppies that suffering now elsewhere like it. Full doggish circle of no one fucking cared life.
If it’s catch up something in a trash of someone’s house and wasn’t hit with a boot of owners of that trash – It’s jaw full of blood, and its innards are dropped around.
No, that’s not my job – I found this dog in a such state, not far from that place on the road where kitten had died. Someone hit this fucking dog and drops it to the curve. And this poor thing, crawled to the woods ten meters or so, and now I stood above it, looking in its eyes, full of… Understanding of its fate. Of everything that had happened with it in its dirty life. And… Acceptance.
And I think about the cause of my standing here. It’s my friends. Just couple of hours before we had prepared to the next test in my room. Now Fred and Mary were totally involved in Mara’s rituals. We meditated a little, and then – draw a couple of hexagon portals on the papers. It’s like a mandala for a Mara – she said that it helps her to interact with our world. I’m almost sure that she’s lying.
Then we are reading material of the test aloud, trying to understand it, and let Mara listen to it, hoping that she’ll help us when we would need her help. He helped me before, and she shows how she can interact with my friends, so we haven’t seen any causes not to do this. Yeah, it’s reminding some woo-doo practices, but who told that woo-doo doesn’t work, huh?
So, we work and talk for a couple of hours, and when we got tired, we arrange our next meet to the tomorrow, Sunday. Guys says to tell to my mom wishing of getting well, and I say that I’ll do. I’m totally lying, because my mother is sleep in an alcohol coma since yesterday evening. I had had some to her before friends went to see if she could spoil me day, but nope – she was totally absent. It was a result of yesterday fight with my dad, they screamed to each other, and then he went out. Mom screamed to the shut door that he can go to his slutty bitch. Least, I know what the fuck is going on with my dad. I was afraid all the time that she’ll wake up during Fred and Mary presence, but Mara calmed me down – “Do not worry. I send her a strong deep dream.”
I asked her:
“Bad one I hope?”
“For now – it’s nothing. Absolute nothing.”
I thought for a second and said:
“Let it be bad one.”
Mara smirked, and we had a nice time with a friends. Next I managed some dinner to myself, and when I go to my room after it, I met my mom. She stayed in the corridor, touching her head, swaying a little:
“Oh, I had a bad sleeping time,” she said. “How’s your day?”
“Awesome,” I said passing by herm trying not to sniff her alcohol fume. Hate it!
“Where are you going?”
“Away,”
Saying this, I closed a door to my room. It was my safe place, my panic room, that despite of its cracks to another dimensions were only one whole, not totally smashed thing in this house.
I managed our papers, and Mara told me:
“We have advanced,” I hear her voice in my head with some intonation that I can’t recognize, but it won't wish me any good things. «But I spend our energy much faster.”
I frowned:
“What energy?”
Mara laughed:
“I thought that you had good marks in physics. Everything needs energy, Antony. It’s not taken from anywhere. And that fact that I’m your imagination, can’t change this fact – I need to feed up too.”
“And what do you wand from me?”
“Help in feeding.”
I felt something cold and heavy in my stomach. I hide papers full of hexagons on my shelve, and sit on the floor, trying not to watch on corners at the ceiling. But it was even worse – if a corner fit’s your side seeing spot, that things that shows us can get you nervous for all the day.
“What if I deny?”
“I will take that I need from your friends. And I knew that you would be against this idea, so…”
“Of course I would!”
“So…”
Mom knocked to my room, saying:
“Antony, is there someone with you?”
I drop my head:
“I’m alone,”
“I thought that I heard girl’s voice. Can I come in?”
I clutched my teeth:
“No”
“Please, Antony,” she said in a drunk pity voice. I know this state – when you wake up after a great buster, eat something, drink some water, and you became as drunk as before. But you feel much worse. “Please”
I opened my door so abruptly, that she jumped a little. Then she tried to look inside, and say in a drunk voice:
“I hear girl’s voice…” then she looked with her watery eyes on me. “Look, look, Antony. Sorry. I’m so sorry, you know… Father and I… We have a bad times… But you… So sorry…”
I watch for her with no move:
“That’s all?”
“Do…Don’t say like this, do…”
I closed my door once again, and asked Mara:
“What’s your proposal?”
“A little kitten brings me to life…” Mom said something behind a door, tried to sob, but I do not hear her, and after some time she went away. Mara continued: “I feel that something’s happened there, at that place. You need to ride there!”
I knew perfectly that arguing with her would be a mistake, so I took my hoodie and key for a bike.
“What are you use as a food?”
“An entity that surrounds emotions, reactions. Every doing has this stuff around it, but the most delicious – things that surrounds deaths.”
And now I’m looking into that crappy dog’s eyes. And I see myself, with intention to kill it. With intention to help my tulpa to eat. Dog blinked and I saw a little glint in its eyes – she recognized me as its own death.
I lifted a front wheel of my bike above the dog’s head.
I close my eyes.
I hold a breath.
And I drop a wheel with a force.
I hear a little squeal. I saw kitten’s death in my imagination. I hear watery crack.
I hold a vomit desire.
I kill the dog. I fed tulpa. I’m scared. I’m tired.
I want to burn everything around me…
No wishes for a night. Fire. Healing fire. ”
“Diary entry #60.
A week! I lost a whole week! Fuck!
It was a Mara’s revenge on my last attempt to trick her. I do not know slang of the drug addicts here, but at home there is a word “system” in that society’s. That’s the scariest word to all relatives and friends. “System” means that addicted use drugs not to get high, not to great pleasure. “System” is about taking drugs to stay alive, to stay in a state that reminds human one. As a habit, just like a tooth brushing in the morning. I had a couple of addicts in my company in the former country and I that stuff too good. They were dead all the time except of minutes when they got a dose. And when they got last – they are transferring elsewhere, just a shell reminds before you – person itself was absent. All addicts the same, alcoholics, narcotics, gambling – all they are dead and suffering after their death searching for a high.
And I saw that Mara have the same habit – after her stepping forward, or food intakes – she is passing out, like those addicts in the land of my past. And I had decided to use it.
After I wrote those words in a previous chapter, I felt that she’s gone. After that dog death, she was near me, like a druggy, feeling high, and I’m sure that if I can see her now – her eyes were rolling inwards and her face have that dumb smile that all addicts have after a dose. And then, when I out a dot after “Healing fire“ I felt nothing. I was alone.
I took my smartphone, fond number and dialed it.
“H…hello,” said sleepy voice. “Antony?”
I answered in a fast pace:
“Yes, it’s me, Mr. Elvoy”
“Antony, it’s…”
“Too late, I know, but I have too small amount of time. Listen…”
“Wha…”
“Listen! I have huge problems! I have another person in my head that I can’t control. I lied to you, and it lied too, when she took control over me. I create it by myself before the crash, but then, after, it becomes much stronger. Please, send me that pills that you said. By the mail, doc! It needs to be unrecognizable, that she can’t figure out what is that!”
“Antony… You know how it’s sounds?”
“Like a mess, but you can listen and read all our previous conversations! Compare them for sake! In other case she wouldn’t let me to talk with you like this anymore! Please!”
And I hang the phone. I know that it had small chances for success, but I hope that I show the way to the shrink to check up my words. And now the hardest phase begins – trying to hide that I just did. I don’t know is I was too good in a hiding, or Mara was too gullible, but she found anything.
On a fourth day I had received a pills. They were in a craft paper with a small sign, where name of the doc was printed. And that’s all.
Mara was there. She looked on the envelop and asked with a cold serious voice. She tried to be friendly, but I know her too good:
“What’s this, Antony?”
I was scared, as usual when she used that intonation:
“Nothing serious.”
She looked at me and closed an eyes a little:
“You hide it from me. What’s inside, Antony?”
There was no time. I ripped an envelope up, catch a plastic container, took two pills, and chew them up. Their taste was awful, but my goal was reached – I took the pills. Hope that doc sent me something good, not a placebo or aspirin.
Mara stood in front of me with a smile. She looks up on to the pills, and then inclined her head a little, and said calmly:
“Nice trick. But how long you can take them,” she nodded to the container. “Without forgetting? How long you can stand without me? H..w l..g…” Some letters became totally silent. Like a bad connection on the telephone line – part of her words were miss.
“I’ll r..urn, …u know th-….-at?”
“See you later,” – she said clearly and puffed becoming a grey smoke, like she always does.
And that was all for the three days. Instead of Mara in my head was something like wadding, colorless and numb zone. Same feeling I had when I took a shot of lidocaine one time – you know that you have that part of the body, but do not feel it, and it’s do not respond to you.
And you know what? That was the happiest three days of my life. First thing that I had done – dialed my shrink. He picked up the phone on the third ring:
“Antony! How are you? Received my parcel?”
“Yeah! Thank you! I take two pills to get rid of her, hope that wasn’t too much?”
There was noise on the line:
“If you ate before – that’s ok. But please, next time read a prescription. And please, be careful, this pills knock off that parts of your brain that we use in mechanical processes. So, riding bike and other stuff like that – reduce to a minimum.”
I smiled. I almost forget how it is – to have a nice mood:
“Thanks! I need to talk with you, doc.”
“I leave the city for a three days,” said shrink. “I’ll back in the Wednesday morning, and I’ll accept in the evening. After a school. All right?”
I nodded, and then realized that he doesn’t see me:
“Yeah, all right!”
I read a prescription and don’t understood even a half of it. It was a pretty strong medicine, and I’m glad that doc believed me.
Next day on a school was pretty dull. I rode there on a school bus, and for a moment thought that I saw father’s car at the entrance. But I copied it to pills effect. It reminds me something like paracetamol or other anti-cold stuff – it immerses you into interesting half-sleep state, similar to night without a sleep at all.
Then I lied my friends about Mara. I said that I started to feel bad, had a nightmares and headaches, so we need to improve our plan, because of pills that made that bitch to shut up. As I said this I understood that it wasn’t lie to a hundred percent’s – my life was a nightmare, and that fact that I now half asleep without any dreams arranges me totally. Besides all of this, our preparations to the test wasn’t hopeless totally – we read information endlessly, and in this or other way – it left its print in our brains. Friends are asked me, is there a chance that Mara would return, and I said – I hope not, because my shrink said that she was a cause of my headaches. Fred said that it was a pity, because I was his “professor X” all this time. In the end of the day I collided with that bully that was part of a former gang. He said something to me, but I don’t give a fuck about it – next portion of pills begun theirs action, so I was sedated totally.
When I sat to the bus, I saw father’s car once again, and that wasn’t mistake – I saw his numbers. I tried to figure out this situation to myself, but decided that it doesn’t matter now. Fuck my family with all their problems, fuck bully, fuck everything around – I’m feeling good, and this is what matters to me. If all that stuff is built in mechanical part of my brain – so, fuck it! I do not want such happiness, and I want to be free of my demon.
And then come Wednesday.
I walk out of the house, shown my father wasn’t shown for a two weeks or so, and hear that my cell is ringing. I looked at the screen and saw that it’s Norman. I pick up the phone:
“Hello, Mr. Elvoy”
There was a sound of road in my ear with voice of my shrink:
“Hi, Antony! How are you?”
“Nice, thanks to you.”
“Glad to hear it! For today nothing changed?”
I waved with my head (I had noticed that pills changed this part of my behavior, and I try to manage this.):
“Nope”
“Nice, he said. I want to talk with you about a picture that you sent me yesterday.”
I stopped and tried to figure what he is talking about. I look up on cotton mess in my head and found nothing:
“Picture, doc?”
The bus stopped in front of me, but I was too busy to see it.
“Yeah!” I hear a signal in the phone, probably from the car that passed by, and then signal made me jump, because of last one was from the school bus. At that moment I was no care about it, and waved to it. Doors shut, and school bus went to the school. “That one with a hexagon on it. You wrote in an email that it was something interesting. That this is a picture of that… That Mara.”
Half of the words were drowned out by the blood that drummed in my ears. I run to our house, hastily opened it, and run to my room. Mom screamed something to me with her hangover voice, but I slammed a door.
“Look, doc! I do not send you anything!”
“What? Antony, I do not hear you! You were right! It’s an interesting picture! I watch on it now! There’s something in it!”
I turn on my PC and tried to assemble. Through the numbness of my ears, I hear the whisper:
“Surpri-i-ise”
“Doc! Doc, look, that wasn’t my picture!!!”
I opened mail application and opened yesterday letter. It was sent at half past one in the night. Two hours after I went to sleep. I opened an image and looked on the hexagon. It was frightening. And a couple of seconds before it happens, I know what it would be.
“I’m sorry, Doc…”
“What? Antony? Oh…”
I took the receiver from his ear – there was an apocalypse. I drop the phone and felt on the floor without any strength. I was empty.
I had lost.
I close my face with a hands, and realized myself just now – sitting at my working place with a notebook lying in front of me. I looked on the calendar – I was out for a week. Whole fucking week.
I wanted to write all this down before something else happened.
I’m so tired and afraid no more. I lost this war…”
“Diary entry #61.
Today I found myself standing in front of the mirror without shirt. I looked at my reflection without interest – I don’t give a shit about that idiot that looked on me. Yes, he looks tired, he looks thinner than usual, yes he did it with himself by himself, yes – fuck him.
Mara does this thing from time to time – occupy my body totally, releasing me from time to time. Sometimes I am a passenger in a glass subway in my own mind, that moving deeply into insanity day after day. Sometimes she knocks me off totally. This day was like that – I closed my eyes in a school cafeteria, and opened here, in my room, dirty with the grass, without shirt, and there is new big thing in my room. I turn my head – it’s a chest.
Then, I can see some memories from time when she was a main pilot. Today it was a father in our house. He came, he ate breakfast and tried to talk with me. He said:
“Anton, you know, we have a hard times with your mom,”
Mara answered:
“Uh-huh”
“But this doesn’t have anything to you, just…”
Mara nodded:
“Yeah. You’re right. Just a situation”
Father stopped for a second, and looked under his shoes:
