Warlock, page 26
Suddenly I understood that I live awaiting of something. I can’t understand what it is – fight with a bullies, party or something else?
Maybe all that I mention, or something that I don’t know yet. Can someone wait for something that he doesn’t know? Just like a sixth sense. Something in you knows that hurricane or earthquake will come soon, but your brain shocked – how come, if now he, with his own eyes see perfect sunny weather? And this tension grows inside you, like abscess, full with a dark precaution, to the moment when something bad happens.
I can’t understand a source of that feelings. Maybe it’s because of yesterday fun with Mara. What? The hormonal picture of my body is changed, and if you think that it doesn’t matter – keep away from sex for a month, and you’ll see what would your brain looks like. Or it’s just yesterday issue with mom? Now I know that she could let sown anything at any moment. Or it’s just some disease in my brain, and I’m just goes mad step by step.
Fuck it.
I decided to take a ride after a school, first time through that place where kitten dies. I rode out of town to that bad turn, when I saw a pigeon aside of the road. He was all in his own blood, folding one wing and leg after him. He was almost dead. I stopped in a couple of meters behind it. Mara showed near and looks at the bird. Then, without any move she said:
“Kill it.”
I was astonished:
“Wh… What?”
She turned her head to me, simple glare, without any impression. She repeats:
“Kill it.”
“But…Why? And… It’s not my deal…”
“It would die after all. In any case. But we can use its death.”
I looked at her cold face, and can’t find anything. It scared me:
“What the fuck, Mara? How can we use it?”
“Feathers. Blood. It’s valuable things…”
“Fuck it.”
I sat on the bike and turn it from that cursed part of the road. I knew one man that can help me to wipe out this picture from my head. I rode to the reverend. He was near his greens again, digging something in his rows. He saw me riding and waved with his hand:
“Hi, Anton!”
I stopped near him:
“Good evening, reverend! How’s your plants?”
He smiled and shook dirt from his hands to shake my hand:
“Thanks to you – much better”
I looked at his plants and see that they were much better look – green and healthy.
“Glad to see. Rev, I have a question”
His face becomes much serious:
“I listen to you, Anton,”
I thought a second and asked:
“Not far from here, there’s a road, turn. It's pretty dangerous…”
“…Oh,” he said, laying down his tools. “I know this road. You mean that one, near the forest, right?”
I nodded and answered:
“Yeah. I saw how there died animals. I mean, there is a bad place. And I think, just can be place be bad just by itself?”
“I do not understand you, Anton.”
“Look, there was a forest, right?” Rev nodded. “Then came people and make a road. That dangerous turn. And I wonder, road makes that place so bad, or people? Or it was bad before? Always.”
Reverend looked on to the orange sun that rolled to the west, to the black horizon line.
“I think that there is an evil, and like humans, it can change its place of living. Sometimes it’s stay somewhere for long, sometimes – fast change its habitant. And like a human – it searches place where it feels comfortable.”
I thought a little:
“Is it somehow connected with a people?”
“I doubt,” he said. “People lived with good and evil in their souls. And any given day people themselves, and with a help of God decide what they’ll bring into life today…”
I smiled a little, and waved with my hand:
“Rev, you know what I think about God,” I said. “Let’s make him stay aside?”
He smiled looking at me:
“I thought that question about evil, presume God in any case,”
Saying this, he put his knees to the ground and took his instruments again:
“I thought that you had changed your mind about God.”
I look at the sun myself and said with the same smile.
“Yeah, I had.” Rev stopped for a moment, and I said. “I thought that he was dead.”
Reverend frowned, and looked at me from the garden bed:
“What do you mean?”
“When people, like population, like a specimen was young, they invent God to explain some laws of nature. Thunder, lightning, rain. It was a simple connection, but uncontrolled. It deals with narrow algorithm – somethings happen, shaman told about this. And sometimes, if shaman work well for these gods – they allowed for him to take a part of their powers”
Reverend Ray forgot about his plants’ he looked at me in astonishment. I look to the left and saw Mara. She listened to me with a smile. I continued:
“Then, shamans understood, that it would be more profitable, if they will teach their flock, if they will be a first unit in a chain. And why need to divide all powers between so many gods? It would be faster, more comfortable and more powerful to deal with one god. And then it was born…”
Rev smiled bitterly:
“By whom?”
I’m answered without any pauses:
“By us. By humans. God was created because of our fear, our incapability to deal with next day. And that God, like humans itself was a child.”
I looked at Mara, and she nodded to me.
“Child?”
“Yes, reverend, judge by yourself – all “Old Testament” – is a proof that that God was a child. He asks to proof love to him. He whim and ask to do something for him. Being capricious, he kills people and makes a bet with Satan to proof his rightness. He’s cruel – all that sulfur, flood et cetera.”
Mara smiled a little bit wider and began to look at the plants of reverend Ray. Last one saw that I’m looking in some other direction, and try to see what I am looking for, but saw nothing, and turned to me, and asked:
“And what about “New Testament”?”
“I think that that was nice try of much more grown up people to create new, modern and grown up God, as themselves literally.”
Rev giggled, but in some afraid type:
“Nice try?”
I smiled a little:
“Yes. Look, Jesus is a thirty-three years old man, Son of God and all those stuff…But all that book, all “Gospels”, they’re schoolbooks of extremism. Teachings of laws of life and how to create a religion as a mix of all things that existed before. All that virgin mothers, resurrections, spirits in doves, and all things – you name it – they were before. Even twelve apostles remind a twelve month, and all that chickens at Easter? That is perfect assimilation of pagan spring holidays with a symbols of the sun. Christian religion tries to eat all other ones. But you know the main trick?”
“I doubt that I want to know…” said Rev.
“The main trick, that God of Christianity is dead for two thousand years. And all this – just aftermath of his death…”
Reverend looked aside and then continues digging and put in order his plants:
“Ok, let’s pretend that you’re right,” he said. “Can you say me, why Church is so needed in our time? Why it’s exists to our days?”
I shrugged:
“Because of us,” I said. “We are the same, mostly. Sex, eating, murder, money, power. All that things interested us before Christ and after him. So as need of something that can rule our lives, even if it’s nothing. Something that we can ask for, or something that we can blame. Christ, old God – they’re comfortable for that rudimental parts of our brain. But no one saw any proof of God’s existence and proof of quantum physics – in every cellphone. Why people don’t ask a microchip for something?”
“You tell me.”
“They knew that he wasn't answer to them. They knew that it didn't give them a chance to know what’s they met after their life. They believe in a different Gods, thinking that he’s one for all of them, because he does not answer them. God has one silence for them all, one ignoring for them all. As you said before – he’s unified in his uniqueness?”
Reverend got up and touch my shoulder:
“You know, Anton that I believe in him, no matter what you or someone think about him, right?”
I smiled a little and said:
“Yeah. At last, maybe Saint Peter would hit me on a head with his keys one day, huh?”
Saying this, I mounted on my bike:
Reverend Ray smiled, and say in answer to my joke:
“I would pray to him, Anton.”
“Prey louder, Rev, for us both.”
I was glad him for this conversation, and with a light heart ride home. At home I found my mom with a smell of alcohol. Not too much, like day before, but she was pretty tipsy. But even this can’t spoil my mood completely – today we planned meditation with Mara, and another visit to place from my dreams.”
“Diary entry #43.
Good day, my filthy diary.
Day was pretty dull, that’s why I’ll told you about yesterday meditation.
We visit that church where we were a couple of days before, that one, where Mara told me about cancer God. But first, Mara told me to write some figures on the walls of my room. First, I’m argued about this, mostly because of the parent’s – they were always against something on the walls. No matter what – posters or photo – clear walls!
But Mara insisted, telling me that it would help me to see her, and travel with her away from here. Anyway, thought I, as my father work so hard, and mom is so fond of booze – they wouldn’t spot anything on the walls. Sometimes I think that they forget about me…
So I took a line marker and stood on my table – Mara said that I need to begin near the ceiling. She lifted to the air, and spotted place with her finger:
“Here,” she tapped lightly on the wall with her nail, painted in black. Then she ran a finger along the wall, and I’m repeating her movements with a marker. “Ok, she said, and here’s we need a dot.”
I tapped with a marker on a wall within a figure. Above me was drawn a hexagon with a point at his top.
“Nice,” she said. Next wall”
We repeat this figure in every corner on the left wall of it, but dots were in a different places. In one case even out of the honeycomb. After all, that I had returned the table to its place, and sat on him. Mara looked at every corner with half-opened eyes:
“Not bad,” she turned to me. “You need practice, but you’ll get one. But we don’t finish.”
I looked at her with wonder, and she smiled:
“Later, when you’ll teach all details you don’t need all this, but now to see something beyond you need map.”
I do not understand her at all:
“Map? Where I’ll get it?”
Mara laughed so loud that I for a second worried that parents would hear her, but then I recall her nature. She calmed and said:
“Maps – not only a paper with longitude and altitude, Antony. Actually, you just did a part of it,” she pointed to the honeycombs at the ceiling. “Now we must create a rose of winds. Repeat after me.”
She looked at first honeycomb that we just draw:
“Jah pros’hva s’var”
“Wha…” She turned to me as I hurt her with a fire, and under that glaze I said in my turn:
“J’ah pros’hva s’var”
“J’ah pros’hva v’stoh” - “Jah pros’hva v’stoh”
“J’ah pros’hva j’ag” - “J’ah pros’hva j’ag”
“J’ah pros’hva zo’od” - “J’ah pros’hva zo’od”
“P’kjav t’meh skr’moj” - “P’kjav t’meh skr’moj”
After last words I felt a little dizzy, and with my side sight I saw something under the ceiling. I can’t understand what was that, but it was somehow related to the volume of my room. There was a difference now in what eyes see and what brain understand as a free space. That dizziness was with me next week every time when blind spot of my eyes crossed that honeycombs.
“Here we go,” said Mara. “Now we can go to that land much faster. Shall we?”
I nodded and sat in my pose for meditations. And truly after a couple of seconds with closed eyes I felt that room become larger. You know how it feels – when you try to sleep and someone opened a door into your room. It’s not just a sound, it about a bigger volume, space, ability to pass through. And you can say all this without opening your eyes. And now I feel something similar – I knew that some new ways opened in my room, some passages were under a ceiling. Not big, but I felt unknown air movement from there. Then I felt myself like under the water – weight push me to the ground, and I can’t inhale for a second, afraid to exhale, because then there left no air to me. Second, and all gone.
Mara said somewhere near me in the darkness of my closed eyes:
“Arrived. Open your eyes.”
I opened them, and saw the same view that I saw in my dream – forbidden passageway and former great doors in its end. Everything was illuminated by the light of a former satellite, and I know that we must hurry. I asked Mara after a minute:
“To the church?”
“No, I want to show you something different.”
Next five or ten minutes we walk in a total silence. And now, when we crossed door line, I saw that all inner space is a great hexagon. I do not saw it earlier, but now I saw its sides and buildings that grown from them in the past, and now became a ruins. And just here I saw something strange with buildings today – they are all was like made from a thick smoke, or something like ghosts made from. In the base – still ruined blocks, but in front – something like projections, and soon I understood that this really was projections, time projections. To be sure, I’m asked Mara:
“Is that…”
And of course she knew what I want to ask. She nodded:
“Yes, it’s past of this land.”
I hadn’t remembered all our previous route, but I had noticed that we walking in opposite direction. Here and there I saw something like ghosts on the streets. Human silhouettes walking here and there, leaving behind them ethereal trails. They were almost invisible and transparent and that afraid me most of all – totally silent. All that we hear – was sounds of our steps that reflected from former buildings.
Fifteen minutes after we come on to some clearance, and Mara stopped in front of it.
There wasn’t anything on that hill now, but I knew that sometimes here was park with a nice lawn. In the center stood large stones, reminding something like entrance to a big hall, some of them you can see in front of the largest museums in the world. They may be a pillars, or lions, but anyway – something large and solid. In front of that stones was a big crowd of ghosts, and between stones – just one figure. Its figure reminds a monk by outfit, telling something to a crowd and they waving with their hands. I was sure that many years ago they screamed to the monk. What – I can’t even figure now, but I think that it wasn’t something cheerful.
I turned to tulpa:
“What does he say to them?”
“He told them about new God. About his nature and what he would bring to them. And they said in answer that their land is dying, and now it’s full of something strange and scary.”
Everything around us becomes darker with every moment. Ghosts become more visible for a moment, but then became to fade like everything around us. Mara continued:
“Man, that you called “monk” is really something like this. He tried to figure what’s going on with that scary things, and found God. Find the idea of God,” she turned to me and looked into my eyes. “Firstly any religion is an idea in one mind. Then this mind becomes a prophet. He found a prophet to himself and became one to them. And to prove that he’s right he gathered all of them here to show them.”
Monk, by this time come to the spot, as I can understand – place where fire was and throw something inside. Ghosts in the crowd jumped from it in that second.
“Mar, can you…”
She looked at me and read my mind in a second:
“Oh, ok. You’re right – there was a fire, and he throw there one of the artifacts that he found, that he gets from a prophet. And they saw a glint of their new God.”
Monk spread his arms to the sides, and then pointed on the crowd. A crowd became smaller for a second and then bring to the monk one of them. It was similar to that scenes of witch hunting that you can see in movies, when an inquisitor told that plague in a village is because of that pretty woman, and if they burn her – all stop. Monk stabbed that one guy (or a girls) that everyone brings him, put something to the wound, and after a minute throw body into a fire.
“He took her blood,” explained Mara. “And then he…”
“Draw a hexagon around a fire…” finished I, watching on this play from the past.
Then something happened with a crowd – one of them jumped on another, someone runs away, and the couple of them – jumped into the fire. But most of them – kneeled before the portal and bowed to it, touching ground with their heads, and that was the last thing that I saw.
Everything was black now, and I’m only can hear voice of Mara:
“They saw him. Just for a moment, but they saw their new God. Not that one, that they invented, but that one which they can’t even imagine, can’t understand him, can’t realize…”
I opened my eyes and saw my room. Everything turns around me for a couple of times, and I was on the edge of fading away, but I kept in conscious. I had panted, like run a couple of miles, but my breathing had restored quickly.
“Why?... Why do you show all this to me? How does this affect me?”
She looked at me and answered seriously:
“I wanted to show you what happens with that ones who doesn’t ready for changes. Who can’t or couldn’t evolve,”
Saying this, she disappeared, turning into a smoke, like always does. Fifteen minutes later I was asleep, and slept without any dreams.”
