Warlock, page 24
“It was a nightmare,” said Alex.
“It was,” agreed Jim and tried to recall something from it, but dream became light and foggy like the ether. “It was something about this case…” He dropped on the bed and murmured: “I’m getting mad with this, buddy.”
“Uh-huh,” answered Barns. “Screams in the night do not add normality to it… Good night.”
Jim turned on his favorite side for a sleeping and after hearing of rain outside for a couple of minutes, his consciousness dropped into dreamless sleep.
---
“Diary entry #36.
Yesterday dream.
Mara’s promise wasn’t an empty – she met me in my dream.
I recognized myself standing in the grey darkness near the Mara.
“Here you are,” she said. There wasn’t any joy in her voice – she was totally serious. “I was afraid that I would miss you somewhere,”
I smiled:
“How can you miss me? We’re the same brain.”
“Not here,” the same seriousness in her voice. I looked at her closely – she wasn’t dressed like during our day sessions. She had some leather suit on her, but it was old and weary. She looked like some post-apocalyptic person or survivalist. “Come with me.”
She walks forward, and I came with her, trying to step where her leg was second before. She said stepping over something:
“Don’t worry, it’ll be lighter soon.”
I try not to worry, but it wasn’t too easy. I could only hope that it wasn’t a part of my dream of cosmic cubes. I asked:
“We are separate here?”
“Yep,” she jumped somewhere, and I tried to repeat her gestures. “Dreams it’s… It’s a rainbow pattern that causes by gas on the surface of the puddles. A totally secondary thing created by trash that our brain collects during the day.”
“Dreams – is a trash?”
“Yeah,” she answers as it was obvious. “To be more correct – it’s a rotten smell of decay of that trash. Not a pleasant thing, but colorful. Trash is out – you’re awake with an empty parts of the brain where that garbage was to live another day, and to collect new litter”
Now we going a little upward. She stopped for a second, and seems like listening something. Then she continues her moving – now it was downward:
“A minute to moon rising,” she said. “We follow the plan.”
“Plan?”
“Uh-huh”
I was irritated a little:
“Do you tell me about it?”
Her answer was so easy, that my irritation was burned by itself like a match:
“Nope. You need to see it.”
I want to say that I’m almost blind here, but I saw that she was right, and everything around become a little more visible and now greyish instead of dark. I saw that we go between two great, huge, cyclopean walls. It reminds me a pictures of Babylonians great walls of Ishtar. I was sure that this walls also covered by some religious pictures, but darkness doesn’t allow me to see them. Mara catches my glare and asked:
“What are you looking for?”
“It’s like an ancient pat’s that used in the cult’s or in ceremonial purposes. There need to be some pictures on a wall. Or something like a pattern.”
She nodded and turn the way we are going:
“Yes, there were pictures. Long time ago,” she looked to the walls by herself. “It’s an ancient place, and you’re right, but I’m afraid that here you’re only can see a scale of its place… Nothing more.”
I was little disappointed, and we went forward in a silence. There wasn’t road under our legs, we were going on the dry mud. Maybe sometimes here was a paving stones all the way, and I think that I saw remains of it, but now… It was not even a village road – no one walking here, it was just a dirt.
I looked in the sky and saw a strange view – there was glowing cloud. First, I think that it belongs to the atmosphere, and then – saw that there was bigger parts and rocks too, and beneath of them real clouds of this world runs. After a minute I had an idea of nature of this object:
“Is that… a moon? Satellite?”
She nodded:
“It was.”
“What… What happens?”
She walked silent for a couple of moments, then said:
“Disbelieve. In general, we are almost here,”
Saying this, she walks up to small earth hill on top of which they we can see inner space that lay after the doors. And yes, that hills, amount of earth – it was the doors of its place. Place itself was a great circle with a radius of two or three kilometers (in miles – something like two). All inner space was full of brick and stone one or two story buildings, and all of them were ruined. But at the far-right side of this plateau I saw something that was comparatively not destroyed, at least, from this far I can say that first floor was undamaged.
I pointed at that building:
“What’s that?”
“Chapel that we need,” she said. “Come on, light here is a variable and valuable thing”
Next part of the way we passed in silence, I was looking around all the time, and Mara was in a hurry. She said something about a small frame of time for our visit, but I can hear her properly. It wasn’t a street anymore, but someday it surely was – for both sides of the road stood buildings, reminding small streets in European cities. But here, instead of nice flowers on the windowsills and pizzerias everywhere was smell and signs of decay and abandons. I think that if revelations in Bible is true, someday this view someone would see after exodus on the Earth. For some reason I was sure that I’m not on my native planet. There was a rocks under my shoes, some of them round, some had strange shape, but after a couple of minutes I understood all pattern – pavement was constructed with hexagons. Buildings around had two stories mostly, and some of them had one, but that one where we go was higher.
“What was there?”
Mara even doesn’t turn around, she knew what I talk about:
“First, it was some administrative building. Then – It was a chapel. But it doesn’t help.”
A minute after we climbed on a top of a stone heap in front of building. She goes without small delays, like she was here before just yesterday, but… Who knows?
We came in, and in a dim light I saw that every wall had the same pattern as walls outside, with one change – here were smaller hexagons, and pictures were inside. There were pale from time that passed and weather (maybe, fuck, I can’t imagine even weather here), but some of them were still colorful. They contained pictures of some solar system, planet that crushed, fire and corpses. Just like pictures on the walls of a cave, but painter was more skillful. I saw a couple of cubes, and thought is that cubes that I saw in my dreams, but then, Mara said “look up”, and I lift my eyes on the roof. Last was absent, and I saw through it, but it wasn’t a sky of this world. To be more correct – not only sky, because through its greyish, I saw something beyond. I saw cosmos itself, with a planets and constellations, and in a one part I think I saw a galaxy. It’s a strange thing, because all this I saw in a hole in a roof that was to me like inside part of the well – everything except clear part was black. And I mentioned that darkness become thinner with every second – light was out, like Mara warned.
“Here they can see him, his eye…” She said looking with me upward. “Here their madness found a great sense and becomes senseless at all, because they saw him, they saw everything. And those, who saw need nothing more…”
“Him?” asked I, still looked upward. There was something that hypnotize me. “About whom are you talking about?”
She looked at me:
“You say it.”
I looked on her, feeling a light dizziness, and shook with my head:
“I don’t…”
I hardly saw her – everything, except of her eyes and teeth become blurry because of darkness. I thought about a cat without a smile, and smile without a cat, and now it scares me a lot. She said hardly:
“You know.”
“I…”
“Who is he?!”
Total darkness was around, and I said, do not knowing is there a Mara still near:
“Their God””
“Diary entry #37.
Next day, after a school and our history practice I asked Mara about my dream. I wanted to know what place we had visit. She looked at me seriously:
“What’s your version?”
I looked to the window for a second and said:
“Some… Some projection of a world that had died… And its death somehow connected with a religion.”
She waved with her head:
“In general, you’re right. It was my world once. I saw it’s fall…”
“But…” All thoughts were mixed in my head. “You’re my creation, isn’t it?”
She smiled bitterly:
“Yes, I was created by your mind. But how was your mind created? Isn’t it something more than chemical reactions? Something greater than just a set of remembering and recalling?”
I was confused:
“I never had thought about this”
“You can imagine some great mind, something really huge, size of a millions of light years. Pure mind, almost eternal energy of thought. So huge, that it projections to the other, inside parallel universes we can call human’s mind. Great well, and you, Anton’s individuality is just a glint on its surface.” She took a pause to give time to understand all this. That was no use – that information was too astonishing. “Carl Jung called it the collective unconscious. All ideas, individualities, all tulpas – is a projection of that well. And then, in one part of the projection something changed. I think of it like of evolution, because something is happened with sparkles that had shone for that universe that you saw. God is appeared…”
I frowned:
“You lose me here, Mara.”
She looked at me with surprise:
“Explain?”
“God,” I said cautiously. “You said it’s appeared – but... Bu that’s wrong. Something like a God can’t just appear from nowhere.”
“You’re right,” said Mara, turning to a window. “It was an evolution. Next step for the mind in this universe. Something greater than ever was. But people can’t realize that, can’t imagine something like this. And for them it’s become a punishment instead of promotion. They desperately tried to understand it, to realize what’s happened, and it’s causes changes in that master-mind… It began to eat that universe, like a cancer. It was a part of it, it was next step of its evolution, but its own parts see him like a monster…”
I raise my hand a little:
“Mar,” I said carefully. “How's cancer can be borne by your body?”
Her face looked surprised, and I understood stupidity of my question:
“I mean, I know that cancer is a part of a body, ok. But you said that for this case it was good at first? How cancer can be good?”
“You see, cells in our body work with different tasks, and each one have its lifecycle – born, do that things for what it was programmed to, creates new cell and dies. Cancer is a mutation in some sort, cancer cells in some moment say that they do not want to work, they want to reproduce themselves only, eating other calls by the way”
I knew all this, but Mara told everything in some other way then I remember all this. I thought about her words and said:
“There were period in a history of my former country, when people act like a cancer… A hundred years ago…”
“It’s not surprising, such behavior is very contagious. You know that only thing that stop cancer is death of the body?”
“Huh?”
“If you can create a host for cancer that can stand him – it would transform all that host into a cancer. Totally.”
I smiled:
“You say me about deadpool?”
She answered that smile:
“It’s main idea of that character. So,” she continues her previous thought. ” That world creates his own cancer, that begun to do its job. Soon, a group of people understood their mistake, and wanted to join to their God. You saw very last town that stood for the last days of that planet, and saw how they transform their main building into a church.”
“Yeah, but… Pray to the cancer? Isn’t it too much?”
“Occur that their old Gods was all dead. They only perform rituals, honoring old tales and people that conducted religion to them, but…”
“Like us…” I said dreamily.
“What?”
“Just like most of our churches,” I said. “you may apply that description to any religion here.”
“Yeah. I think…” she looked on the floor and said. “I think you’re right. God doesn't have a place in his own religion. That was a trap for that dimension. And then, when he showed his face to them, when they met him face to face, when the need came to realize what can exist in their time-space – they went mad… That civilization ends, as you see…”
“But… Why? They build churches to see him, and they knew about him. Why do they go mad?”
“Even then it was shock to them. They weren’t prepared for existence of such…such being. Do you think that if son of one carpenter will return now to the earth – everyone will hail him?”
I was silent, because I knew that she was right. In the better case Jesus will stuck into some madhouse. In a worse one... Hm, let’s see it in this way – there are some religions on the planet that do not mind about cutting heads off.
I look at my hands that lay on my knees and then lift my eyes on Mara:
“Why me? Why do I see all this pictures?”
She shrugged and said calmly:
“I do not know. Maybe, because you can stand this story, about those people. Or maybe you can do something with it… I do not know.”
After Mara goes out, I played on my PC half hour and then goes to bed. All this time I thought about her words. Thought and was afraid of space cubes – they scare a shit of me. Interesting, I can’t stand a simple dream about simple geometrical figures – how can I manage something about gods, space cancer and something like this? And when all those thoughts were mixed up in my mind, I was asleep.”
“Diary entry #38.
Today we were writing that fucking test. And you know what, my stupid diary? It seems that I’ll pass it, but Mara… She scared me as a fuck…
I write this, and my hands are shaking…
So… Test begins, and all was just fine. I checked all questions answers to which I knew and wrote them down. That took a half an hour and was on one purpose – to be sure that I save strength for Mara. When I was sure that I don’t know any left questions, I concentrate and call her.
It wasn’t too hard, but I felt another tension of mine – I had never called my tulpa in a such circumstance. She stretched like after a sleep and said:
“Well, hello, world!” she looked around with a facial expression that may be described in a one word – interest. “So, that’s your class. Interesting. There’s Fred, and…” She looked around and found Mary. “There she is! She’s nice. But you made me prettier,”
I said in a low whisper, forgot for a second that I’m not alone:
“Do you mind?”
Someone looked at me from my right side, but I do not look at him.
“Oh, yeah! I’m here like a Jeanie in a bottle – just to make your wish come true. I obey,” she said and nods to me. Then she straightened up “Oh, you too serious, we have enough time, and we know everything”
She flew to me like always does, despite that that I ask her to go like a human, and looked into my paper:
“Hm… Pretty nice,” she said. “And here is a mistake my boy.”
I looked on to the paper:
“I’m sure that it’s correct answer…”
And just as I ended this sentence I hear from above:
“Mr. Tychov, do you want to say something to class?”
That was our history teacher. Mrs. Neric. I lifted my sign to her and said:
“No, thinking at loud.”
“He’s praying,” said leader of the bullies. “To his prehistoric gods”
“Silence, Mr. Tychov,” she said, pointing with her finger at me. Then she turns it to bully. “And you, mister, one more word about origin of Antony, and your mark would be lowed by one point”
Everyone put down their heads.
“Antony,” smiled Mara. “Think about talking to me. You managed this. So, you have a mistake here.”
I was furious and think to her:
“Look, I’m sure that we had read one book, so, fucking please, help me…”
Her eyes caught fire for a second, and then become two pieces of blue cold ice.
“You know everything better,” she said and becomes more and more transparent. “Call me when you want to talk…”
I do not know, whispered I or told at loud:
“No, no…”
But she was gone. Perfect! One part of my brain was angry at me and went off. With knowledge about test!
“Mara,” I thought. “Please, come back.”
Nothing. Just a headache started. Minute pass, but nothing had changed. I sat at my desk, looking on my paper and clock. I almost felt like time, just as a sand, pour out from me. What if I can’t call her another time? Or can’t call her at all? What would this mean? That part of my brain is blocked to me, or that she would leave it? My hands start to tremble, and I thought to her:
“I’ll change my answer.”
“Why?” said her voice near my ears. “You’re so fucking smart!”
“We are the two parts of one full system. I need to listen to you.”
She turned to her visually solid state:
“Ok, but that was rude”
“I’m sorry, Mara.”
She said what answer I need to choose for that question, and then quickly patting on the paper pointed answers for other questions. It took a minute or so. I checked paper, said to her “Thank you Mara, and sorry once again.”
Then I make her disappear. I felt dizzy and stood up.
“It was,” agreed Jim and tried to recall something from it, but dream became light and foggy like the ether. “It was something about this case…” He dropped on the bed and murmured: “I’m getting mad with this, buddy.”
“Uh-huh,” answered Barns. “Screams in the night do not add normality to it… Good night.”
Jim turned on his favorite side for a sleeping and after hearing of rain outside for a couple of minutes, his consciousness dropped into dreamless sleep.
---
“Diary entry #36.
Yesterday dream.
Mara’s promise wasn’t an empty – she met me in my dream.
I recognized myself standing in the grey darkness near the Mara.
“Here you are,” she said. There wasn’t any joy in her voice – she was totally serious. “I was afraid that I would miss you somewhere,”
I smiled:
“How can you miss me? We’re the same brain.”
“Not here,” the same seriousness in her voice. I looked at her closely – she wasn’t dressed like during our day sessions. She had some leather suit on her, but it was old and weary. She looked like some post-apocalyptic person or survivalist. “Come with me.”
She walks forward, and I came with her, trying to step where her leg was second before. She said stepping over something:
“Don’t worry, it’ll be lighter soon.”
I try not to worry, but it wasn’t too easy. I could only hope that it wasn’t a part of my dream of cosmic cubes. I asked:
“We are separate here?”
“Yep,” she jumped somewhere, and I tried to repeat her gestures. “Dreams it’s… It’s a rainbow pattern that causes by gas on the surface of the puddles. A totally secondary thing created by trash that our brain collects during the day.”
“Dreams – is a trash?”
“Yeah,” she answers as it was obvious. “To be more correct – it’s a rotten smell of decay of that trash. Not a pleasant thing, but colorful. Trash is out – you’re awake with an empty parts of the brain where that garbage was to live another day, and to collect new litter”
Now we going a little upward. She stopped for a second, and seems like listening something. Then she continues her moving – now it was downward:
“A minute to moon rising,” she said. “We follow the plan.”
“Plan?”
“Uh-huh”
I was irritated a little:
“Do you tell me about it?”
Her answer was so easy, that my irritation was burned by itself like a match:
“Nope. You need to see it.”
I want to say that I’m almost blind here, but I saw that she was right, and everything around become a little more visible and now greyish instead of dark. I saw that we go between two great, huge, cyclopean walls. It reminds me a pictures of Babylonians great walls of Ishtar. I was sure that this walls also covered by some religious pictures, but darkness doesn’t allow me to see them. Mara catches my glare and asked:
“What are you looking for?”
“It’s like an ancient pat’s that used in the cult’s or in ceremonial purposes. There need to be some pictures on a wall. Or something like a pattern.”
She nodded and turn the way we are going:
“Yes, there were pictures. Long time ago,” she looked to the walls by herself. “It’s an ancient place, and you’re right, but I’m afraid that here you’re only can see a scale of its place… Nothing more.”
I was little disappointed, and we went forward in a silence. There wasn’t road under our legs, we were going on the dry mud. Maybe sometimes here was a paving stones all the way, and I think that I saw remains of it, but now… It was not even a village road – no one walking here, it was just a dirt.
I looked in the sky and saw a strange view – there was glowing cloud. First, I think that it belongs to the atmosphere, and then – saw that there was bigger parts and rocks too, and beneath of them real clouds of this world runs. After a minute I had an idea of nature of this object:
“Is that… a moon? Satellite?”
She nodded:
“It was.”
“What… What happens?”
She walked silent for a couple of moments, then said:
“Disbelieve. In general, we are almost here,”
Saying this, she walks up to small earth hill on top of which they we can see inner space that lay after the doors. And yes, that hills, amount of earth – it was the doors of its place. Place itself was a great circle with a radius of two or three kilometers (in miles – something like two). All inner space was full of brick and stone one or two story buildings, and all of them were ruined. But at the far-right side of this plateau I saw something that was comparatively not destroyed, at least, from this far I can say that first floor was undamaged.
I pointed at that building:
“What’s that?”
“Chapel that we need,” she said. “Come on, light here is a variable and valuable thing”
Next part of the way we passed in silence, I was looking around all the time, and Mara was in a hurry. She said something about a small frame of time for our visit, but I can hear her properly. It wasn’t a street anymore, but someday it surely was – for both sides of the road stood buildings, reminding small streets in European cities. But here, instead of nice flowers on the windowsills and pizzerias everywhere was smell and signs of decay and abandons. I think that if revelations in Bible is true, someday this view someone would see after exodus on the Earth. For some reason I was sure that I’m not on my native planet. There was a rocks under my shoes, some of them round, some had strange shape, but after a couple of minutes I understood all pattern – pavement was constructed with hexagons. Buildings around had two stories mostly, and some of them had one, but that one where we go was higher.
“What was there?”
Mara even doesn’t turn around, she knew what I talk about:
“First, it was some administrative building. Then – It was a chapel. But it doesn’t help.”
A minute after we climbed on a top of a stone heap in front of building. She goes without small delays, like she was here before just yesterday, but… Who knows?
We came in, and in a dim light I saw that every wall had the same pattern as walls outside, with one change – here were smaller hexagons, and pictures were inside. There were pale from time that passed and weather (maybe, fuck, I can’t imagine even weather here), but some of them were still colorful. They contained pictures of some solar system, planet that crushed, fire and corpses. Just like pictures on the walls of a cave, but painter was more skillful. I saw a couple of cubes, and thought is that cubes that I saw in my dreams, but then, Mara said “look up”, and I lift my eyes on the roof. Last was absent, and I saw through it, but it wasn’t a sky of this world. To be more correct – not only sky, because through its greyish, I saw something beyond. I saw cosmos itself, with a planets and constellations, and in a one part I think I saw a galaxy. It’s a strange thing, because all this I saw in a hole in a roof that was to me like inside part of the well – everything except clear part was black. And I mentioned that darkness become thinner with every second – light was out, like Mara warned.
“Here they can see him, his eye…” She said looking with me upward. “Here their madness found a great sense and becomes senseless at all, because they saw him, they saw everything. And those, who saw need nothing more…”
“Him?” asked I, still looked upward. There was something that hypnotize me. “About whom are you talking about?”
She looked at me:
“You say it.”
I looked on her, feeling a light dizziness, and shook with my head:
“I don’t…”
I hardly saw her – everything, except of her eyes and teeth become blurry because of darkness. I thought about a cat without a smile, and smile without a cat, and now it scares me a lot. She said hardly:
“You know.”
“I…”
“Who is he?!”
Total darkness was around, and I said, do not knowing is there a Mara still near:
“Their God””
“Diary entry #37.
Next day, after a school and our history practice I asked Mara about my dream. I wanted to know what place we had visit. She looked at me seriously:
“What’s your version?”
I looked to the window for a second and said:
“Some… Some projection of a world that had died… And its death somehow connected with a religion.”
She waved with her head:
“In general, you’re right. It was my world once. I saw it’s fall…”
“But…” All thoughts were mixed in my head. “You’re my creation, isn’t it?”
She smiled bitterly:
“Yes, I was created by your mind. But how was your mind created? Isn’t it something more than chemical reactions? Something greater than just a set of remembering and recalling?”
I was confused:
“I never had thought about this”
“You can imagine some great mind, something really huge, size of a millions of light years. Pure mind, almost eternal energy of thought. So huge, that it projections to the other, inside parallel universes we can call human’s mind. Great well, and you, Anton’s individuality is just a glint on its surface.” She took a pause to give time to understand all this. That was no use – that information was too astonishing. “Carl Jung called it the collective unconscious. All ideas, individualities, all tulpas – is a projection of that well. And then, in one part of the projection something changed. I think of it like of evolution, because something is happened with sparkles that had shone for that universe that you saw. God is appeared…”
I frowned:
“You lose me here, Mara.”
She looked at me with surprise:
“Explain?”
“God,” I said cautiously. “You said it’s appeared – but... Bu that’s wrong. Something like a God can’t just appear from nowhere.”
“You’re right,” said Mara, turning to a window. “It was an evolution. Next step for the mind in this universe. Something greater than ever was. But people can’t realize that, can’t imagine something like this. And for them it’s become a punishment instead of promotion. They desperately tried to understand it, to realize what’s happened, and it’s causes changes in that master-mind… It began to eat that universe, like a cancer. It was a part of it, it was next step of its evolution, but its own parts see him like a monster…”
I raise my hand a little:
“Mar,” I said carefully. “How's cancer can be borne by your body?”
Her face looked surprised, and I understood stupidity of my question:
“I mean, I know that cancer is a part of a body, ok. But you said that for this case it was good at first? How cancer can be good?”
“You see, cells in our body work with different tasks, and each one have its lifecycle – born, do that things for what it was programmed to, creates new cell and dies. Cancer is a mutation in some sort, cancer cells in some moment say that they do not want to work, they want to reproduce themselves only, eating other calls by the way”
I knew all this, but Mara told everything in some other way then I remember all this. I thought about her words and said:
“There were period in a history of my former country, when people act like a cancer… A hundred years ago…”
“It’s not surprising, such behavior is very contagious. You know that only thing that stop cancer is death of the body?”
“Huh?”
“If you can create a host for cancer that can stand him – it would transform all that host into a cancer. Totally.”
I smiled:
“You say me about deadpool?”
She answered that smile:
“It’s main idea of that character. So,” she continues her previous thought. ” That world creates his own cancer, that begun to do its job. Soon, a group of people understood their mistake, and wanted to join to their God. You saw very last town that stood for the last days of that planet, and saw how they transform their main building into a church.”
“Yeah, but… Pray to the cancer? Isn’t it too much?”
“Occur that their old Gods was all dead. They only perform rituals, honoring old tales and people that conducted religion to them, but…”
“Like us…” I said dreamily.
“What?”
“Just like most of our churches,” I said. “you may apply that description to any religion here.”
“Yeah. I think…” she looked on the floor and said. “I think you’re right. God doesn't have a place in his own religion. That was a trap for that dimension. And then, when he showed his face to them, when they met him face to face, when the need came to realize what can exist in their time-space – they went mad… That civilization ends, as you see…”
“But… Why? They build churches to see him, and they knew about him. Why do they go mad?”
“Even then it was shock to them. They weren’t prepared for existence of such…such being. Do you think that if son of one carpenter will return now to the earth – everyone will hail him?”
I was silent, because I knew that she was right. In the better case Jesus will stuck into some madhouse. In a worse one... Hm, let’s see it in this way – there are some religions on the planet that do not mind about cutting heads off.
I look at my hands that lay on my knees and then lift my eyes on Mara:
“Why me? Why do I see all this pictures?”
She shrugged and said calmly:
“I do not know. Maybe, because you can stand this story, about those people. Or maybe you can do something with it… I do not know.”
After Mara goes out, I played on my PC half hour and then goes to bed. All this time I thought about her words. Thought and was afraid of space cubes – they scare a shit of me. Interesting, I can’t stand a simple dream about simple geometrical figures – how can I manage something about gods, space cancer and something like this? And when all those thoughts were mixed up in my mind, I was asleep.”
“Diary entry #38.
Today we were writing that fucking test. And you know what, my stupid diary? It seems that I’ll pass it, but Mara… She scared me as a fuck…
I write this, and my hands are shaking…
So… Test begins, and all was just fine. I checked all questions answers to which I knew and wrote them down. That took a half an hour and was on one purpose – to be sure that I save strength for Mara. When I was sure that I don’t know any left questions, I concentrate and call her.
It wasn’t too hard, but I felt another tension of mine – I had never called my tulpa in a such circumstance. She stretched like after a sleep and said:
“Well, hello, world!” she looked around with a facial expression that may be described in a one word – interest. “So, that’s your class. Interesting. There’s Fred, and…” She looked around and found Mary. “There she is! She’s nice. But you made me prettier,”
I said in a low whisper, forgot for a second that I’m not alone:
“Do you mind?”
Someone looked at me from my right side, but I do not look at him.
“Oh, yeah! I’m here like a Jeanie in a bottle – just to make your wish come true. I obey,” she said and nods to me. Then she straightened up “Oh, you too serious, we have enough time, and we know everything”
She flew to me like always does, despite that that I ask her to go like a human, and looked into my paper:
“Hm… Pretty nice,” she said. “And here is a mistake my boy.”
I looked on to the paper:
“I’m sure that it’s correct answer…”
And just as I ended this sentence I hear from above:
“Mr. Tychov, do you want to say something to class?”
That was our history teacher. Mrs. Neric. I lifted my sign to her and said:
“No, thinking at loud.”
“He’s praying,” said leader of the bullies. “To his prehistoric gods”
“Silence, Mr. Tychov,” she said, pointing with her finger at me. Then she turns it to bully. “And you, mister, one more word about origin of Antony, and your mark would be lowed by one point”
Everyone put down their heads.
“Antony,” smiled Mara. “Think about talking to me. You managed this. So, you have a mistake here.”
I was furious and think to her:
“Look, I’m sure that we had read one book, so, fucking please, help me…”
Her eyes caught fire for a second, and then become two pieces of blue cold ice.
“You know everything better,” she said and becomes more and more transparent. “Call me when you want to talk…”
I do not know, whispered I or told at loud:
“No, no…”
But she was gone. Perfect! One part of my brain was angry at me and went off. With knowledge about test!
“Mara,” I thought. “Please, come back.”
Nothing. Just a headache started. Minute pass, but nothing had changed. I sat at my desk, looking on my paper and clock. I almost felt like time, just as a sand, pour out from me. What if I can’t call her another time? Or can’t call her at all? What would this mean? That part of my brain is blocked to me, or that she would leave it? My hands start to tremble, and I thought to her:
“I’ll change my answer.”
“Why?” said her voice near my ears. “You’re so fucking smart!”
“We are the two parts of one full system. I need to listen to you.”
She turned to her visually solid state:
“Ok, but that was rude”
“I’m sorry, Mara.”
She said what answer I need to choose for that question, and then quickly patting on the paper pointed answers for other questions. It took a minute or so. I checked paper, said to her “Thank you Mara, and sorry once again.”
Then I make her disappear. I felt dizzy and stood up.
