Warlock, page 12
“I knew that it wasn’t all right in his family. You know, in such little towns gossips spreading faster than Wi-Fi, but even now, his thoughts scare me. Not because of my faith, it is pretty solid, but because his conclusions. What may happen in life of a young boy that he called Jesus – propagandist?”
Alex writes something in his notebook without seeing what he writes, because he doesn’t want to break such a moment.
“Now, comparing and connecting all things I think about this, and thing – were he then that guy, who killed classmates, or he was just halfway? Or maybe he just began to plan this…”
Again, Reverend takes a cup, but now embraced it with his hands, and looking into sit a couple of seconds, then drink all to bottom.
Barns correct things that he writes blindly and asked:
“Reverend, you said that he knew that there was a problem in their family. Can you say what you mean?”
Ray waved with his head:
“Sorry, guys, that the secret of confession”
Looking on the interlocutor Alex wrote an exclamation mark in his papers. Then he said:
“Last conversation, Reverend. How was it?”
“Scary” answered Ray. «He came to me three or four days before that night. He looks awful. He had circles under his eyes, pale skin he was stooping. It seems that he was ill for some time. But maybe he was…” Saying this Reverend looks to the window and continues looking there to the midday sun. «He said that he saw death. Now he knew death. And he knows that our god dead. For too long. Everything that is perceived like a religion is a corpse of a former god that decomposes. You know, he said, that if you look to the corpse from the point of view of a microorganism we will see a carnival. Fest of life. You see?” Ray turned to the Alex, and in the eyes of Reverend narrator saw true dismay. “He said then, “You see?” But we are watched. By new gods. They like us, and all modern society is their altar. All display, stay it on your table or lay in a pocket is iconostasis of a new way of life, new religion, new God. We are like bees, and our life is all about honey. Honey to a new gods.”
Jim thought that Alex was stroked by a charge:
“Honey, Reverend?”
“Yes”
“You know about a honeycomb?”
Ray slightly nodded:
“Yes, but I do not understand this signs, and truly for this day I do not understand what does Anton meant. I thought that he had a fever, but he had not allowed me to touch him. He jumps from the bench, and said in a whisper – it’s an incomprehensibly… It’s… Were just seeing an inch from infinity. We thought that we knew everything, but it is just an inch… Were on their eyes. I'm going to look at the whole picture above our dimension, beyond the sky, beyond the eye. I tried to catch him, but he ran away. That was a last time when I saw him.”
Silence occupies all volume of the room. Seems like lack of any sound connected with warm rays of midday sun, that spreading through the glass, making unusual magic tapestry. And in all its weaves you can see all conversation, like a solid structured picture. Barns look at specks of dust that merely falling through large sun pillar, fascinated by this spectacle. Then a narrator of “ABnormal” blinked and looked on Ray:
“Reverend, what can you say about all this? This incident, Antony? What do you think about all this complex of events?”
“Hm,” firstly said Ray. He crossed his fingers and looked at them couple of seconds, then he lifts sight on Alex. “You had said that your show about supernatural things, right?”
Alex nodded.
“So I think that it’s not your profile. I think that we… this town. Yes, town. It was a spectator of work of one sad mind, one sad soul that do not believed in God, and tried to find something instead. I think that trying to find replacement of God you need to see everywhere, even in darkest corners of our mind and soul. Corners, where we can find particles of hell. But I think that Anton’s tragedy was in that fact that he finds nothing. Emptiness, as he had said to me. But I’m pray for him, and hope that his soul hears me.”
Alex waits a second then said:
“Thank you, Reverend.”
“Your welcome, Alex. Jim.” He shakes their hands. Barns nodded to his friend, and Jim switched his camera off.
Alex exhaled, and look on the Reverend with eyes wide open:
“Well that was… Creepy. To confess, I thought that this interview would be more… Mild? Soft? But this was pretty awesome”
Ray smiled with a sad face:
“Thank you. I hope I helped you a little bit. I think Anton will be glad for that, and I hope you’ll tell his story right. Finally, he was just a kid, and despite other lost souls he ruined himself in a first place.”
Alex and Jim stand up.
“Thank you,” said Jim.
“Your welcome, guys”
They walk to the exit from the storehouse and near the door Reverend shake their hands once again. He smiled (now it was a smile without any shade of bad emotions.):
“Hope to see you here, but without such grim background”
Alex smiled back:
“Yeah. Hope so. Have a nice day, Reverend. Thanks for the tea”, they turn to the van, but Alex looked back. “Reverend, do you mind if we shoot here a little more? Talking, a panorama, you know?”
Ray waved with his hand:
“Be my guest,”
Saying this, he drops his head down and goes back to his place. He looks like a man after a day of hard work, and Helper understand him – even he, who said nothing feels tired. But they needed this additional shooting, as Alex said. Therefore, they gathered their strengths and do three versions of storytelling text. This was their little tradition – Alex always do two editions of the script and one – pure improvisation. In addition, frequently these improvisations looked more interesting and fresh. Barns never told to anyone that he thinks about this attempts even more then of script, because he knew that best improvised things are rehearsed things.
After a half an hour, when the sun became to roll down from the sky, they sat in the van. Alex exhaled heavily, and Jim noticed that his always-shining friend looked tired. Saying nothing, Jim started an engine, and roll to “Nancy’s”.
---
“Diary entry #19.
Today was Sunday, and we went to local church. Our family is not religious, but the father offered this little campaign to meet people of our town, and to see how things like this goes. Well, everything was like in the movies – that universal source of knowledge about US.
Reverend welcomed us and said that this house is opened for us every time if we need. Then he preached a sermon, pretty nice one about bad things that can be helpful, and vice versa – good things that can lead you to the hell. Not my theme at all, but it was interesting. Later I’m understood why – USSR almost killed church (that churches that have nowadays post-USSR countries is a parody), but they killed monologue and rhetoric art for sure.
After a sermon some people came to reverend, and talk with him. Father asks us to stay, and when everybody was out – we come to preacher.
He welcomed us in our town, and welcomed here, in a church. Said that we can find shelter here anytime. My parents said thank you, and I’m echoed them. But without any emotions. Preacher saw this and said that I’m not too happy to be here and asked is I am a religious. Firs I wanted to say something to turn it into a joke, but hey – church is not a good place to talking something untruth, so I said that it’s a little bit complicate question.
Father explained him that we have a little bit different religion, and came here to see if we can visit this church. Reverend Ray smiled and said that he thinks that we all walk under one God, no matter how does you call him, or what things do you do in the name of your God. This answer pleased my father, and we talk a little about our former country and our impression about this town. I thought that this Ray is a pretty nice guy.
He asked if we have some time, because he wants to talk with us some time face-to-face. Not a full-scale confession, just a talk with a new citizen and maybe parishioners
We agreed, and then reverend talked with my mom and my dad, sitting on the first row of benches. That was nice, I thought, because of non-official (if you can use such word in this case) spirit of the talk. I was third in this small queue. I sat on the bench and looked on the Christ behind the cathedra.
“So, Antony…” said reverend. “Or Anton?”
I look at him:
“This doesn’t matter. I’m here now, so it’s Antony.”
“I hear how your parents call you Anton.”
I shrugged:
“That something, that we save from previous life…”
He thought for a moment and said:
“I’ll call you Anton. Think that would bring you a part of your home here. Like a seed from a distant land.”
I nodded and stared at Jesus in front of me.
“Do not believe in this guy?”
I thought a little and answered:
“As I said, it’s more complicated.”
“Talk me about.”
I look at the Christ a little more, on his face, bright but sad a little, changed with a pain.
“As about Jesus – I think that he was a real person. You know, a prototype. He lived, preached. Maybe for our time it was something like philosophical course.”
Reverend nodded, I saw this by my side vision, despite that I’m continued looking on son of a God.
“Indeed, he was a talented guy,” he looked at Christ with himself, and asked. “But you have problems with a faith?”
“I do not believe that he was son of God, actually. Just… Just a man… Talented, but a man…”
“And why do you think so?”
“I don’t feel like it. You know? Just something inside of me. It tells me that he was just a carpenter’s son. Maybe I need to structure my thoughts a little.”
“I think so,” said reverend. “I have a proposition. Think about him a little. Just put your thoughts in some order. Maybe, you’ll find something interesting. Anyway, if you’ll think about him a little – that will be a good thing too.”
I thought a little then nodded:
“Ok”
He stands up from a bench, and I’m looked at him:
“You know all people here, don't you?”
He thought for a second, then said:
“Most of them”
“Maybe you know one guy…I met him near the mall, and he’s homeless. His name is Bob.”
Reverend thought and nodded slightly:
“Yeah, I know him. He comes here from time to time, but I haven’t seen him for a long time.”
“He… He wanted some help?”
Preacher waved with his head:
“No. That’s one of that kind of people that do not want any help. They like living that they have.”
I signed.
“Let’s go to your parents,” he said. “In a modern world preacher must not stay with a young boy alone for a long,”
He smiled and said to my parents:
“Nice to meet your family. Once again – you’re welcome here anytime.””
“Diary entry #20.
Another day with a headache in the end of it, but it worth it.
Today I had seen my tulpa. Well… Not “saw” her like someone near you in the mall…It’s just…Uh… Ok, I’ll try to tell you whole story.
This day was a pretty regular day for me. I got up, have a couple of hours of torture with Ms. Prey, her legs and a brief course of history of US. It’s hard for brains like mine that used to hear about tsars, revolutions and wars. But you know what? The finest way to learn something about a nation – is to hear what does people think about historical persons. And the bigger hate in them – the worse things in their country. Even if nation hate someone in the past (you can’t have a good opinion about Hitler for example.), but instead you can have a lesson of history. The cruel and hard lesson that Hitler gives to Germans they would remember for long. As long as other world (it seems like now some countries forgot – and a new tsar rise in the east, but I believe that all would be fine). I’d want to hear someday from a former USSR citizen thin just alike one I hear from Ms. Prey today. We talk about civil war, and I asked something like “Wait, for this day south states make monuments for their generals, and northern – for theirs. How do you manage all this differences?”
And she answered – “We have founding fathers.” That’s all that you need to know about spirit of the US. Despite all that can depart them, they always have a thing that unite them in any moment of night and day. Jealous a little – I’ll never hear something like this about Lenin for example. Half of nation will hail him, half – will say that he’s a bloody moron.
After this sexy lesson (every lesson with Ms. Prey is sexy, even if she comes to us in a long dress.), I had a free time. I had decided to practice in meditation – first step to create a tulpa. If you want to see something that’s not existed – you need to train your brain. You can say that this is a brainwashing – and maybe from some angle you’ll be right. But I see this situation like on a process of metal welding – to create something interesting from a bar of iron – you need to heat in to the red, and change it form with a hammer.
As any teenager, first I look for the info in the web. God, it’s a junk! With a great effort I find some guided meditation that was created with people who know what they want. It’s a freaking strange thing – you can find any manuals, but quality product made by them – nope. Numbers of pages with meditation techniques, and the second set of music found in video hosting – is a mesh… God I hate dilettantism!
Next disappointment awaited me after next turn – I can’t even relax. All the time something buzzed in my head. I managed to throw out all my thoughts, and when I was sure that my head is empty – some other one arrived. I concentrate all my will, all my body, later my muscles were aching from my tries of become more relaxed, but no. I can’t achieve a state that relaxed voice online tells me playing with. There was something in my head, which I can’t see and recognize.
My head begins to throbbing with pain, and I’m surrender. First was side thoughts, then – headache – that’s not a good state for meditation and creation. I looked into the mirror and saw my pale face – it was like a wall, and then I feel like from inside of my eyeballs someone pushing needles out. It was sharp pain, and I’m automatically almost close my eyes. That was it – migraine. I know how to fight it – the best cure is a dream. Yeah. Easy. Just lay, sleep, and couple hours (or in the morning) you’ll be a shining coin again. Pills don’t help me in such states, so I said to parents that I have a headache and went to sleep.
It was half past six pm, when I got out my blanket and lay with a moaning. Pain doesn’t get me to fall into the puffy hands of Morpheus, and I’m trying to dissolve any pain center into my mind and body. I tried to visualize pain like a red balls that squeezing my head from left and right temples. I can’t open my eyes now – every single part of the light, whatever - particle or a wave, let those needles moving through my eyes again and again.
But then, for a fracture of second I was so ill, pain was so high that I relaxed totally, I was dissolved in that state, and eyelids slipped a little up, and I saw it. It was a shadow, no more – just and outline of something like a human, but I saw it! It moved its head (I sure that it looked at me), and then I was knocked out.
I fall into a sleep.
When I got up, I’m almost forgot about this shadow, because I get up at nine o’clock, and a couple of minutes tried to understand who I am, and where I am. But then I looked on to the window, where I saw shadow of tulpa, and recall everything.
So, It’s real. I can do this, and despite all circumstances I’ll do this. The greatness of mind, it’s possibilities – is my founding father.
That night I don’t try to repeat my success, I’m understood that brain must be training like a muscles, and my headache – is a best proof of it, but now I have a target and even know how to get it.
Before my second sleep that day, when I go to bed at two a.m., I hear a relaxed laugh in my room. That wasn’t scary anymore, I know who it was. ”
“Diary entry #21.
I saw a death today. And I think that this fucking diary exist just for such episodes like this one.
I don’t want to hold it into myself.
I can tell you another story about my life – nice legs of my teacher or my so-called friends at home, but… Today all this going to hell…
You know, my hands are hake right now, and I have a little uncontrolled smile. And I’m not even sure why? I have one theory, but maybe I’ll tell you about it later, and now…
FUCK!!! FUCK!!!
It was a small death, not w fly, or something – it was a kitten.
Yeah, I know, everyone like kittens, and that is sucker punch from me, but hey, fuck you! I am, not you saw it!
I ride my bicycle in the midday and rolled to my favorite place for such rides here – a little forest not far from a cemetery down the road. It has some path, so it’s pretty neat for a bike. And as I passed a cemetery, I slowed down, because in front of me was a stupid turn of the road strictly to the right. You hardly can see a car that rolled out there, so you must be very careful. Yeah, there is a sign there, so it pretty safe for people with something grey in their heads. But cats don’t give a fuck to the signs, especially kittens.
So… Huh… There was a kitten that run out from a tree, and stood still. Even I’m hear that truck, but… I don’t know, maybe it was deaf or something… Or…
A kitten turned and tried to run across the road. And I saw like all kitten vanished under a massive tire, and just tail was left outside of it… I do not why, but tail become still and erected, like an old car antenna.
I do not blame a driver – what can he do? I think that if I’m stood on that place – I’m must be smashed under that tire too, and nothing would leave. Even a tail.
