Wilde Card, page 58
”That wasn’t the plan,” she frowned. There would have been a lot of people in the building, even during the evening. They were only supposed to destroy the eggs. They had been depending on the assumption that the Bloc would have anti-fire measures in place, controls to prevent fire from spreading to other parts of the building. She turned to Kal, who had relayed that information to her after his time undercover.
“They had a lot of chemicals down there that they weren’t supposed to have, Tia.” Kal explained, apologetic and defensive. “The controls in the basement were apparently only designed for small fires. The higher floors were a different story.”
She sighed and lowered her head into the pillow. She wasn’t religious but she would pray for the lives they had ended; the innocent lives, those who were simply in the wrong place at the wrong time. Like Nurse Collins, who had surely known nothing about the Bloc’s atrocities. She bit her lip so that she wouldn’t cry, telling herself that she wouldn’t forget those souls any time soon. More deaths, more lives snatched away in the pursuit of freedom. Quentin would not have been proud, Andy neither. There was a throbbing in her head that felt like a million little knives. Lilith had really run her through.
When she opened her eyes again, they were all watching her. She noted that a familiar and strange pair of amber gold eyes were not part of this crowd. That worried her, especially because Zeta never missed an opportunity to discuss their successes.
“Where’s Zeta?”
Raghida shook her head. “She just killed her own mother - who she didn’t even know was alive, by the way. She needs time.”
Her voice was soft, but firm. Tia had no doubt that this was her idea, and imagined Raghida ushering Zeta into a quiet corner in the library where she could contemplate everything. Tia bit her lip. She could only imagine how much that must have hurt, to discover that your mother is alive after years of going through torture without her comfort. And to discover that she was the reason for your suffering? Heartbreaking.
She felt Talia’s hand tighten on her calf and she looked back, seeing how destroyed she was. Jessie was all tears and joy, and everyone else was clearly happy to see her awake. But not Talia There was a shadow hanging over her, chewing away at her soul. Tia wanted to sleep, but she couldn’t do that until they had spoken. She appealed to the room. “Can I get a minute with Talia, please?”
Her loved ones left her without much argument, including her mother - with promises of returning with warm food and fresh clothes. Before they left, Jay and Talia exchanged cryptic glances. Tia frowned, definitely wanting to know what the hell that was about. The last time they had acknowledged each other, it had descended into an argument about swords. They were generally never on the same page. Something had happened whilst she was asleep and she wanted to know what it was. She focused on Talia once again, seeing that her nails were bitten down to the quick. She had a new bruise across her forehead, and a healing cut along her cheek. Talia limped over to the chair and sat down, not removing her hand from Tia’s body at any point. It seemed as though she didn’t want to stop touching her. Maybe she was scared that Tia would disappear. She smiled at the thought and realised she was probably a little delirious.
“What’s wrong, Talia?” she finally asked. She laid a hand on her shoulder, trying not to grimace.
Talia raised dark eyes to hers. “What isn’t wrong?”
“We won. We saved hundreds of women from that torture,” she slurred. “We stopped the Bloc from driving them insane, ruining them. We did that, together.”
Talia narrowed her eyes and she felt her hand likewise grip her knee. Talia seemed to be struggling and said nothing for several minutes. “Jay doesn’t think I should tell you this but...you actually died, Tia. For a whole minute, you stopped breathing.”
She gaped, and then laughed, as light as she could risk without causing herself pain. She was definitely delirious. Impossible. And even if it was true, what did it matter? She was awake right now, looking at the girl she loved, who loved her, after having finally avenged her father. “But I’m alive, Talia.”
“Your heart. Stopped. Beating.”
“Talia, I’m alive.”
“But you might not have been,” she murmured, devastated. “I should never have allowed you to do this. I should have listened to my head and called the whole thing off. The whole mission was ridiculous.”
“Didn’t we have an agreement that you would stop trying to protect me?”
“This is not the same thing!” Talia was flushed suddenly, a wildness coming into her eyes that Tia hadn’t seen before. “I picked you up and you just...lay there. Your eyes were open but you didn’t see. I thought- it felt like my heart was breaking, Tia.”
Tia stared at her. Then she laughed, once, forced. “Wow. I’ve never been dead before.”
The glare she gave her was swift and aggressive. Talia didn't find it funny. Obviously Tia wasn’t allowed to think so either. But how else was she supposed to take it? She remembered lying on the cold floor - staring up at Lilith’s avenging, blank stare - and accepting that she would die for this cause. Her life was something she was willing to sacrifice to put an end to the Bloc’s experiments. Her thoughts must have been clear to read because Talia narrowed her eyes.
“You allowed it to happen.” Her tone was accusatory. “You were accepting it.”
Tia hesitated. “You have to understand-”
“No, you have to understand. Nothing is worth your death. Nothing.”
“That’s not for you to decide,” she rolled her eyes. Even that hurt, even her eyeballs.
“Isn’t it?” Talia shoved a hand through her hair, sending strands sailing to the floor. The stress was pulling her thick hair from the roots now. Tia tried to squeeze her shoulder, willing her to calm down. She shook her head, turning back to Tia. “You know what it would do to me, if you died.”
A sinuous sensation curled around her heart. It was a mixture of emotions that she couldn't untangle. But she did know, yes, what it would do to her. Despite how often they were at each other's throats, they existed as two and without her, Talia wouldn’t last long. Likewise, without her, Tia didn’t think she would last long. Zeta had convinced her of her own power but that was irrelevant of her love for Talia. What they shared was something almost other in its strength. Whether they hated or loved each other, they were two; opposites sides of the same coin, always.
She sighed. “I’m still here, okay? So you can stop beating yourself up about it.” It was not said unkindly.
Talia managed the tiniest smile, letting her fingers drift to where Tia’s hand rested on her shoulder. “You can make jokes. You’re not leaving this bed for the next month.”
Tia gasped. “You wouldn’t dare.”
Her face became serious again, her lips pressed into a firm line. “Try me.”
Tia didn’t argue, didn’t even try. The truth was she had no intention of moving. She hurt, in every single vein and every single bone. Her vision kept on blurring and there was a ringing in her head that wouldn’t stop. They had destroyed the Bloc, and that was more than enough to keep her in bed. She would rest, so that she could be strong to fight another battle. Talia was pleased at Tia’s acquiescence and bent over her to kiss the tip of her nose.
“The only place that doesn’t hurt, I assume?” she said, suddenly and very playfully.
Tia flipped her the middle finger and she kissed that too. Talia left, laughing, promising to return. She needed a shower and a hot meal. Once she was gone, Tia pushed herself to her feet. She cried out at the combination of dizziness and agony, glad that no one was around to see her knees buckle. She clutched onto the bed until she was certain she could stand up without falling over. She was wearing light sparring gear and someone had sponged her down as best they could. Her hair was in a knotty bun on top of her head where she never put it, and she was wearing men’s socks. She found no boots by the bed, only slippers, and snorted. If they thought a lack of shoes would deter her, they didn’t know her well enough.
She shuffled her way through the Tunnels, occasionally holding onto the walls for support. She attracted a lot of stares as she went and it was all she could do not to glare. She didn’t have the energy to walk and do that at the same time. Her vision kept on blacking out and she felt sick. But she continued until she was stumbling into the library. It was late in the evening and there was no one around, not even Marcus. She tread heavily, snaking around thick bookshelves until she found Raghida and Eliza’s corner. There, curled up in a chair, was Zeta.
She didn’t lift her head from her knees to say: “You were heavy footed before, now you’re practically tearing holes into the ground.”
Tia laughed, collapsing into the chair opposite her. Eventually, she did lift her head. Her eyes were red, her nose alarmingly so, and there were dried tear tracks down her cheeks. Tia was surprised to see that she could cry. Then she scolded herself for thinking of the girl as anything other than human. Of course she could cry.
“I’m sorry about Lilith.”
Zeta waved the sentence away. “She brought it on herself.”
“No, Zeta, I‘m sorry that she did this to you.”
She sniffed and looked down at her hands. “The whole time, she was three doors down from me. She would have heard me crying, when they burned me. She knew they were harvesting my eggs...it was her idea.”
Tia felt a deep wave of sympathy. You could be powerful, strong, confident...and still get hurt. Being powerful didn’t make you invincible, didn’t even make you untouchable. “For what it’s worth, I think the whole ordeal drove her mad. Those are not choices made by the sane.”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Zeta tilted her head, eyes shining like amber in the rain. “She traded me like I was cattle.”
“It’s easier to think that they took you against her will, isn’t it? To know that, even though you suffered, it wasn’t because she didn’t try to save you.”
“God, you’re really shining here, Tia.” Zeta’s sarcasm was biting. Tia ignored it.
“The real question is this; what did you feel when you killed her?”
Zeta looked to the ceiling, scrubbing at her cheeks with bare arms. She was wearing a tattered shirt and dark leggings with a mysterious stain on the calf. She was barefoot, knees pulled up to her chin. Tia concluded that she was wearing the same outfit she had been wearing the night she killed Lilith. Had she been hibernating in here the whole time? Why had no one coaxed her out? At least to have a shower, to get something to eat...change out of her bloody clothes.
“I felt nothing.” Zeta replied bitterly. “I didn’t love her, I didn’t know her. And I felt nothing when I ran her through with that blade. She was trying to kill my friends. I felt...nothing.”
Tia was gentle with her next question. “Is that what hurts the most?”
Zeta’s face crumpled and she buried it back into her knees. She cried silently, and Tia let her do it. She didn’t try to comfort her - she had the feeling it wouldn’t be appreciated. They sat there in silence, and time passed - Tia wasn’t sure how much - until Zeta resurfaced, dashing tears away with her fingers.
“This is ridiculous,” she grunted. She lowered her feet to the floor. “I haven’t cried since I was five years old.”
Tia raised an eyebrow, felt the pain it caused, and dropped it back. She tried to sit forward but it took some work. “Everyone cries, Zee. It’s not a bad thing.”
“You called me Zee.”
“I did. Now, are you going to come with me? You need a shower.”
“I don’t sweat,” Zeta retorted, but it lacked the fire she had been channeling .
“You’re covered in blood,” Tia pointed out.
She looked down at herself, stretching her arms out in front of her to see the dirt on her skin. She sniffled and smiled back up at Tia. “You make a good point.”
“I can’t believe no one came to get you.”
“I threatened to hurt them if they tried.”
They shuffled out of the library together, Zeta supporting Tia. Tia glanced sideways. “You didn’t threaten me.”
“You wouldn’t ever try to hug me. You don’t even like me.”
“Hey, I like you. You’re just...really fucking annoying sometimes.”
They laughed together, and Tia felt some tension leak out of Zeta’s shoulders. She was strong, and she would be okay. She wasn’t the type to mourn what she couldn’t change. Within time, she would be preaching about power and strength and back to her irritating self. She would grow and she would rebuild what Lilith had destroyed within her. Tia couldn’t even begin to imagine what it felt like, but she believed in Zeta.
They were only a few feet down the corridor when Tia heard her name. She turned to see Talia’s thunderous face. Her stomach fell into her socks.
◆◆◆
It was a few days before Tia could go home. Jay ‘borrowed’ a car to drive her, still too weak to walk all that way. As they drove through the backstreets, she began to notice posters pinned to almost every surface they passed.
“Jay, stop. What are those?”
They hadn’t said much to each other since he picked her up but he slowed the car and turned to her now. “Anti-Rebellion propaganda.”
She gaped. “What? Get me one, please.”
He drove close to the kerb and reached out the window, ripping a poster from the nearest light post. It drew a few stares but he ignored them, passing it to the backseat. She clutched it, reading its exclamations: WANTED: REBEL CRIMINALS IN CONNECTION WITH BLOC 3 EXPLOSION.
“Oh, wow.”
Jay laughed, the first she’d heard in awhile. “Pointless. No one will come forward. And the people who will don’t know anything about the Rebellion.”
She glanced at the grainy picture beneath the statement. It was terrible quality, a shot gleamed off a blurry security camera; three figures in black darting through the corridors. She was sure it was Jay, Raghida and Zeta but she couldn’t even be sure herself. There was no danger in the picture. She just hoped that was the only footage they had.
“What about the News?”
“Blaming the whole thing on the Rebellion. They haven’t said anything about their illegal baby business, of course.”
“Of course.” She looked down at the poster again. Well, that simply wouldn’t do. “Jay, turn around. There’s something I need to do.”
He frowned. “Talia and Jess would kill me. I’m taking you home.”
“I didn’t ask you,” she replied, sharp and authoritative. They were friends but right now she wasn’t speaking to him as a friend. She was speaking to him as a second-in-command. He scowled, recognising her tone. He could have disobeyed her but in the end Jay could never stay out of trouble. He turned, cutting off another car in the process.
She dug around in her bag until her hand closed around Andy’s journal - she carried it with her wherever she could. It was her constant reminder of his innocence, of the corruption within the system. She had been under the impression that she had avenged her father, but she was wrong. The job was only half done. Wildehursts didn’t do anything by halves.
Jay ditched the car as close to Bloc 2 as he could. From there they walked and though the pace was slow going he didn’t rush her once. He was being patient with her - a characteristic he couldn’t usually boast - and it made her curious. They hadn’t really spoken since she’d woken up in the infirmary and she had missed him.
“How have you been?” she asked, panting out of exertion.
“Good.”
She glared at him. “Good? That’s all I get?”
“What do you want me to say, Tia? I’m good.”
“Fine. Well...what have you been doing?”
He chuckled but it was tight, not carefree like she was used to. “You don’t really care, so don’t ask.”
That comment took her aback. “Whoa, Jay, of course I care.”
“Do you?” he mused. ”Every time I came to see you, Talia was there, and you didn’t even notice me.”
She thought back and couldn’t remember ever seeing Jay, not since she woke up. She shook her head. “Is that really fair? I’m not exactly myself. If this is about Talia-”
“No,” he turned to her. “It’s not. It’s about you. I know you love her, and that’s fine - believe me. But you spend all your time with her, and you’ve forgotten about the rest of us.”
She floundered for something to say but Jay intercepted her. “We care about you too, Tia. So, it would be nice if you didn’t just discard us like that.”
She couldn’t argue. She realised, belatedly, that she had only really seen Talia and Jessie. Raghida and Jay hadn’t resurfaced since the first night, and Zeta was still avoiding everyone. Kal...she didn’t even know where he was. The worst part about it; Tia hadn’t even asked. Talia slept beside her every night, in the cot over from hers and made sure she was never alone for long. Tia wasn’t allowed to train so she kept her company when Jessie couldn’t. She had appreciated it, but she hadn’t ever stopped to consider that Talia might have been monopolising her.
She blinked. “Jay, I’m sorry. We didn’t realise.”
His face softened and he carried on walking. A few minutes later, he replied. “I know you didn’t. I mean, why would you wonder whether your best friends were heartbroken about you dying.”
“Jay-” she reached out for him.
“Raghida cried the whole day, by the way. Not that you asked. Even Eliza couldn’t calm her down.”
“For crying out loud, I’m alive. Why does everyone insist on being so dramatic about it?”
He frowned. “You’re important. That’s why. You think it’s a joke but no one else does.”
They walked in silence, giving her time to think about his words. God, she really had been wrapped up in herself. Where was Kal? It was then that the Bloc loomed and she had to push all thoughts to the back of her mind. That was a problem for another time. Jay was careful to lower his head as they approached the gate but she was so battered that she didn’t even bother. Tia pressed the buzzer and waited for someone to answer. The last time she had been here, she had used Andy’s card to gain access. She didn’t have that luxury this time.
