Be My Saving Grace, page 9
‘Thanks, Aiden.’
‘No problems. Hope he’s feeling better.’
‘Me too.’
Nickolas heads back to Finn’s room, the corridor feeling eerie from the quietness of all the patients being in the showers, leaving the rooms empty. Gently opening the door in case Finn is asleep, he pokes his head inside and is pleased to see Finn’s eyes are closed, his breathing shallow and even. He leans against the wall opposite Finn’s bed and slides down, using it to support himself as he brings his knees up to his chest as he sits, rests, and waits for Finn to wake.
Nickolas thinks back to how he got here. A kid from the South Side with tattoos on his knuckles designed to scare those around him, or perhaps more so to help protect him in some way. He took drugs as a way to cover the pain of his father and drank alcohol to spark the fire inside himself when he needed the strength to fight back. He’d hurt people because he was afraid or because he was told to. And now, his main focus in life is to help people that probably feel just as scared as he once did. He has more blood on his hands than he would like to admit, some of it justifiable but most belonged to innocent people that found themselves in the wrong place at the wrong time. Will the guilt of his past ever go away? Maybe he doesn’t want it to. If his subconscious can manifest Finn within his dreams, telling Nickolas how he is holding onto the pain of his past, of his mistakes, of what happened in this exact room as a way to keep punishing himself, then deep down that must be what Nickolas is doing without even realising it. He takes in a deep breath. Does he deserve to no longer feel guilty? Has he paid his dues?
‘Anyone ever tell you it’s creepy to watch someone sleep?’
Nickolas shakes his head, focusing on Finn’s groggy words and pushing his thoughts into the back of his mind.
‘No. But that’s mostly because I sneak out before they catch me.’
‘Typical.’ Finn groans as he tries to move.
‘How you feeling?’
‘Like I just ran a marathon and didn’t prepare for it.’
‘Think you can stand?’
‘Why?’
‘Hot shower might help your muscles. And you kinda smell like sour cheese.’
Finn and Nickolas both laugh.
Nickolas pushes himself up off the wall to stand, making his way over towards Finn to help. ‘Come on, tough guy.’ He snakes his hand under Finn’s armpit, pulling him up gently into a sitting position. He lets go, giving Finn a moment to adjust while he goes to retrieve the fresh clothes that were placed in his room by one of the day shift orderlies.
He bends down to wrap his arm around Finn’s waist and help him stand from the bed.
It’s a little past 8 p.m. This is the hour the patients get before lights out. The privacy Finn will have in the showers will be refreshing after having everyone watch him empty his stomach on the dining room floor. They step into the room, the air still humid from the multiple showers that were running not too long ago.
‘You right to undress yourself?’ Nickolas slowly releases Finn, not wanting to step away too quickly in case Finn needs to hang onto him.
‘If you want to take my clothes off, all you got to do is ask.’
Nickolas freezes, Finn’s words catching him off guard.
‘Sorry. I – I know you’re just trying to help. I just hate feeling so…’
‘Vulnerable?’
‘Yeah, something like that.’
Finn begins to undress. Nickolas keeps his distance but is ready if Finn loses his balance. As Finn takes his boxers off, Nickolas keeps his head held high and makes sure his eyes stay level with Finn’s head. Finn shuffles towards the showers and turns on the shower head closest to him. Nickolas takes a seat on the bench, once again putting Finn’s clean clothes to the side and his dirty ones in the bag.
‘Can I take these off?’ Finn calls out.
Nickolas looks up, his eyes landing on Finn’s torso. He notices for the first time a tattoo on Finn’s ribcage, what looks to be a phoenix rising from ashes. Nickolas scans down the small trail of peach fuzz going from Finn’s navel to his pubic bone, and swallows. He knows where that hair leads because Finn shoved it in his face only yesterday. Nickolas has Finn’s gorgeous dick and trimmed ginger pubes burnt into his mind. He forces himself to look back up at Finn’s face, his hair almost a dark brown under the spray. Water droplets fall down his eyelashes and nose, and under any other circumstances, Nickolas would jump up and join Finn in a heartbeat. Instead, he pulls himself together and sees Finn holding up his bandaged wrists, now wet from the water.
‘Oh, yeah. We were meant to get them changed earlier. You can – you can take them off.’ Scratching the back of his neck he looks back down at his shoes. ‘Pull yourself together, Nickolas,’ he whispers to himself. ‘The, ah, the bruises are almost gone.’ Nickolas states.
Finn looks over his shoulder, trying to see down his back but having trouble making anything out. ‘Oh. Almost forgot they were there.’
Nickolas thinks that’s a lie, but that’s for Finn to live with, not him.
‘Fuck.’ Finn places a hand on the tiled wall in front of him.
Nickolas stands up. ‘You okay?’
‘Ye – yeah. Just, just a little dizzy.’
Nickolas picks up Finn’s towel. ‘Come on. Let’s get you back to your room.’
Nickolas makes his way forward as Finn turns off the water, reaching him as Finn turns around. He holds out the towel for Finn to take, and Finn places a hand on Nickolas’s shoulder for support.
‘Fuck, I feel like I have the world’s worst hangover but didn’t even get to enjoy the drinking,’ says Finn.
‘We better get some water into you. Besides, you’re due for your medication.’
With the towel wrapped around Finn’s waist, Nickolas helps him back towards the bench where he sits down to dry himself off, only standing to put his boxers and sweatpants on. Once fully dressed, Nickolas stands by Finn’s side so he can lean on Nickolas as they walk out of the room.
Nickolas knocks on the door to the infirmary and is surprised when he doesn’t see Lexi sitting at the desk. It takes him a moment to remember that Dr Murphy is their night shift doctor.
‘Can I help you?’ says Dr Murphy.
‘Yeah, ah, just need the blisters on his wrists to be checked.’ Nickolas says, and guides Finn to the chair, Finn hanging onto him like life-support.
‘Patient’s name?’
‘Finn. Finn Cunningham,’ Nickolas clarifies.
Dr Murphy types Finn’s name into the computer before he assists in any way. If Lexi were here, she’d make sure Finn’s needs were met first, then deal with the paperwork. Nickolas bites his tongue as he waits.
‘Nickolas…’ His name falls from Finn’s lips.
Nickolas crouches down beside him, a gentle hand on his knee. ‘I’m here, hey.’
Finn opens his eyes, squinting from the bright light in the room. ‘’m gonna be sick.’
Nickolas grabs a tray close by and shoves it under Finn in record time. The tray isn’t big enough, causing the excess vomit to land on the floor and on Nickolas’s shoes.
‘Are you kidding me?’ Dr Murphy spins around on his chair, repulsed at the sight in front of him.
‘’m sorry.’ It’s barely a mumble, but Nickolas makes out Finn’s apology.
‘Why the hell is he vomiting everywhere?’
‘Gee, maybe because of the medication you lot have him on,’ Nickolas bites back. ‘You’re the doctor. Maybe if you hadn’t spent the last five minutes reading his damn file and just done what I asked, I could have taken him back to his room to rest and possibly prevent him from throwing up all over your damn floor.’ Nickolas wants to throw in a few profanities, but he can tell Dr Murphy is the type who would happily report his arse for language used towards a superior. Instead, he stands beside Finn whose head has lolled to the side, resting against Nickolas’s rib cage as Dr Murphy takes Finn’s wrists in his hands. He gives them a quick examination before letting them go.
‘They’re fine. I’ll put some cream on them again, but leave them out to air rather than wrap them – they’ll heal quicker.’ The curtness in his voice makes Nickolas ball his hand into a fist.
‘You want to maybe help him with the vomiting and dizziness too?’
The doctor doesn’t even look up to address Nickolas’s question. More interested in slapping the cream onto Finn’s wrists and getting them out of the room.
‘All part of the adjustment. He has to ride it out, but if it doesn’t ease up, then we’ll consider changing his medications.’
‘Awesome. Swap one side effect for another. Great help.’ Nickolas gives him the okay symbol with his hand to replace the middle finger he’d rather shove in his face.
‘Here. Take care of this.’ Nickolas shoves the vomit-filled tray into the doctor’s hands so he can help Finn stand. Side by side, they walk back to Finn’s room. It looks as though he is carrying his drunk friend to his bedroom and in another life, maybe that could have been them. But in this life, Finn is suffering and the medication that is supposed to make things easier is taking a toll on his body.
‘Come on Finn, we’re almost there,’ Nickolas encourages him.
‘Spin-ning.’
‘I know. Just a little further.’
Nickolas opens Finn’s door and uses the last of his strength to get him sitting on the bed. A paper cup with pills and a small cup of water sits on the floor. Lydia must have dropped them off while Finn was in the shower, no doubt Dot letting Lydia know where he was before Dot left for the night.
‘Finn, try and sit up for me for a few more minutes, okay?’ says Nickolas before he goes to the bathroom, wets the corner of some paper towel under the tap, and walks back to wipe the vomit still on the corner of Finn’s mouth. Once it’s gone, he grabs the water and pills, bringing them up to Finn’s mouth while keeping his hand on Finn’s shoulder to help steady him.
‘Okay, now I need you to take these and have some water. It’ll help,’ Nickolas explains.
Finn thankfully obliges. Nickolas has no idea if another dose of his medication will help or make it worse, but at least he has them in his system. As Finn sips his water, the lights in the room go out. It must be 9 p.m. Nickolas is left standing in front of Finn, using the light from the corridor shining through the window in the door to help him see his surroundings. He takes the cup of water away from Finn and leaves what’s left of it on the floor beside the bed.
‘Lights out. Time for you to rest.’ Nickolas gently manoeuvres Finn to his side, his eyes already closing. As Finn’s head hits the pillow, Nickolas crouches by his side, gently rubbing Finn’s arm to soothe him.
‘Try and get some rest. I’ll check on you in an hour.’
Nickolas doesn’t move straight away. The calmness of the dark room and the soft shallow breaths coming from Finn drifting off to sleep brings a sense of comfort to Nickolas. His eyes scan over Finn’s body, his hands reaching for the blanket at the end of the bed to place over him. Nickolas heads for the door and slips out without waking Finn.
Letting out a deep breath, Nickolas walks straight to the door to the break room so he can grab a drink and have a moment to himself.
‘There you are!’ says Lydia. Her voice almost hurts his eardrums.
‘Fuck! What do you want?’ Nickolas scolds.
‘Nothing. I just haven’t seen you.’
‘You’ve been here for an hour. You have all night with me, so I think you’ll survive.’
‘Whoa! Alright, grumpy cat. No need to jump on the defence.’
Nickolas grabs a fresh cup and fills it with the steaming hot. ‘Shit, sorry. Just, long day.’ He takes a seat on the table with Lydia and reaches for the last muffin.
‘Dorothy told me you were helping that new patient, Finn is it?’
He nods his head as he swallows the sweet fluffy goodness of Dot’s baking. ‘Yeah. His medication has a list of side effects a mile long, and that’s only for one drug. He’s on three, plus the vitamins.’
‘How’d you find that out?’
‘Asked Lexi.’
He takes another bite of the muffin, ignoring the look on Lydia’s face. Okay, so maybe he has never looked into what medications a patient has been prescribed before. He decides to move on and not overthink it. He finishes his food and, not wanting to be scrutinised by Lydia any further, picks up his coffee and walks to the front to say hi to Sam as he rubs his neck to relieve some of the tension.
‘Hey old man, how’s it all looking?’ Nickolas asks.
‘Quiet. Which is generally good. But you never know in a place like this,’ says Sam.
‘Night’s still young.’
‘Don’t I know it.’
Nickolas takes a sip of his coffee and grabs Finn’s file. He makes additional notes about the dizziness and continued vomiting so his therapist and doctor can look over it when they see him tomorrow, and puts the file back.
‘Why do you smell like sour milk?’ Sam looks Nickolas over, his eyes zeroing in on the white marks on Nickolas’s shoes.
‘Shit. Forgot to clean them. Sorry, man.’
‘You mind doing that, then? Not even a mouse would like the smell of that.’
‘Whatever. Hey, did Dot leave any notes for me?’
‘No, no note. She said something about checking on room thirteen for you in the morning though.’
Nickolas nods and leaves. He makes sure to always leave a spare change of clothes and shoes in his locker in case bodily fluids land somewhere on him. Thankfully it’s not something that happens frequently. No vomit landed on his clothes – he’s still a nice shade of purple with no white stains. Jesus, the jokes Darren would give him if that ever happened. He unlaces his Timberlands and shoves them in his locker, pulling out the old pair of Converse he keeps in there. He’ll clean his shoes when he gets home, before his shift tomorrow night. His body sags, the cry for sleep calling to him. He checks his watch: it’s been 45 minutes since lights out, long enough that he can go check on the patients and of course, check on Finn.
Making his way back out to the corridor, he passes the break room as Lydia makes her way out, almost colliding with one another.
‘Oh, hey. Wasn’t sure where you were so I was going to do the rounds,’ Lydia explains.
‘It’s fine. Keep studying. I’ll do this one,’ Nickolas offers.
Lydia smiles at him and spins on her toes, heading back to her books. He heads out into the quiet corridor and starts at the closest room. Completing the hourly room checks is simple; quickly look in each window and make sure patients are sleeping or lying down. The main focus is to ensure no one is agitated or doing something they aren’t supposed to. That’s why he sometimes checks before that hourly mark – it allows him to catch patients off guard that may be keeping track of the time.
He makes it to the end of the first row of rooms, nothing concerning grabbing his attention. Crossing the corridor, he makes his way down, checking the remaining rooms, pleased to see that it might be an easy night for them all. When he gets to Finn’s room, he walks past it to check on rooms fourteen and fifteen first. Satisfied with what he sees, he makes his way back to room thirteen and, unlike the rest, he unlocks the door, quietly walking inside as he closes the door behind him.
‘Been an hour already?’ Finn’s voice breaks through the silence.
‘Close enough. Wasn’t sure if you were asleep or not.’
‘Were you planning on watching me sleep some more? That’s a little too Edward Cullen for my taste.’
‘Who?’
Finn chuckles.
Nickolas makes his way over to the bed, crouching down so he is eye to eye with Finn who is lying on his side. ‘How you feeling?’
‘Dizziness has stopped and no more vomiting, so that’s something.’
Nickolas can hear the hesitance in Finn’s voice. ‘But?’
Finn pulls one hand out from under his armpit, trying to hold it straight in front of himself only for it to be trembling mid-air. ‘The tremors have kicked in.’
The concentration on Finn’s face as he tries to will them to stop saddens Nickolas. He reaches out, placing his left hand under Finn’s, their palms touching, while his right hand rests on top. He holds their hands in mid-air, Finn’s still trembling between his, while gently rubbing his thumb on top of Finn’s hand.
‘It’s okay,’ Nickolas whispers.
Finn’s face softens. His eyes no longer show frustration at not being able to get his body to do as he wishes.
Nickolas brings Finn’s hand down to the bed, not letting go as Finn draws his hand close to his chest.
‘There was a reason I stopped taking my meds, Nickolas.’
Nickolas waits. He knows from experience that things are always easier to say in the dark, using it to blanket things around them.
‘I don’t like how they stop me from feeling and yet make me feel too much at the same time,’ explains Finn. ‘They make me numb; all my emotions are gone and I’m just this shell of a person. I have no control over my body, like – like someone else is pulling the strings. The tremors keep me awake when all I want to do is sleep, and when I tell my brain to make them stop, they just get worse.’
Finn sounds exhausted. Nickolas gives Finn’s hand a gentle squeeze. A cloud moves across the sky, allowing light from the moon to shine in, illuminating Finn’s face. A soft smile appears on Finn’s face. Nickolas likes to see Finn smile. It makes his eyes sparkle a little and Nickolas can tell that a true smile from Finn would light up his whole face and all of those around him. Finn squeezes his hand in return. As the clouds once again cover the moon, Nickolas’s eyes adjust to the darkness. He pulls his hands away, raising his left hand to push Finn’s fringe off his face before gently combing his fingers through his hair, his hand trailing down to the back of Finn’s head, holding it in place as their eyes lock onto one another.
