Be My Saving Grace, page 6
‘Oh, guys, this is Finn. I thought maybe you could show him what’s what.’
Finn leans into Nickolas and whispers into his ear. ‘Really? Treating me like the new kid at school that needs to make friends.’
He gives Finn a genuine smile, even though his words are harsh. ‘You want to act like a kid, I’ll treat you like a kid.’
Finn turns back to the group and takes a seat in one of the spare chairs.
‘Hey, I’m Riley. This is Cora and Alex.’ They all raise a hand and smile at him.
‘Uh, Finn.’
‘Whatcha in for, Finn?’
‘Cora. You can’t just ask him that?’ Alex smacks Cora’s arm with the back of her hand.
Finn scratches the back of his neck. Nickolas stands to the side, aware that he’s hovering around them, curious to see how Finn interacts with everyone.
‘I’ll go first.’ Cora sits up straight, almost acting proud for sharing. ‘Cora. Seventeen years old. Auditory hallucinations.’
Finn frowns.
‘It means I hear voices. That’s how I’m so good at hitting on Nickolas here.’
‘Okay, okay,’ says Nickolas, ‘moving on.’
It’s all fun and games, but he still has to be cautious. Patients can get emotionally attached to their doctors, nurses, or, in Nickolas’s case, orderlies. He hears stories all the time of patients being taken advantage of because they’re vulnerable and seek out affection from those treating or caring for them while in a facility. It’s easy for rumours to spread and what is as simple as being friendly can suddenly be seen as something more.
‘Fine, I’ll go next. I’m Alex. Sixteen. Pica, and you’re cute.’
Nickolas widens his eyes at Alex’s comment.
‘Ha, um, thanks but, I bat for the other team,’ Finn casually replies.
Nickolas’s eyebrows shoot up, reaching the top of his hairline, surprised at how carefree Finn is about announcing his sexuality to a group of strangers. He sneaks a glance at Finn, and Finn is looking towards him. Nickolas gives his attention back to the group.
‘Why are the cute ones always gay?’ Alex pouts, picking up the pillow and hugging it to her chest.
‘Probably because men are shallow and looks are the only thing we have to work with,’ Finn explains.
The group breaks out laughing but Nickolas can see Finn is serious. What they took as a joke seemed to be Finn’s way of speaking the truth about his experiences. His concern for what happened to Finn grows each time Finn opens up.
Finn quickly chuckles, hiding behind his laugh to try and make himself fit in.
‘Damn, cute and funny. Yep, you’re totally gay.’
Finn shrugs in agreement. ‘Um, pica?’ He cocks an eyebrow in question.
‘Oh. It means I like to eat non-nutritive objects. You know, like, paperclips, cotton balls. Oh, I once swallowed a USB.’
Nickolas thumbs his bottom lip, noticing how Finn doesn’t know how to respond. Finn is out of his element which is oddly entertaining for Nickolas.
‘Anyway. I’m Riley. Twenty-one, and bulimia has ruled my life for the last five years.’
‘You’ve been here for five years?’ asks Finn.
‘In and out. If not here, then other places. Some specific to the disease, others a little more forceful. Doesn’t matter the treatment, I just can’t seem to fight the battle in my head.’
Nickolas gives Riley a small smile. At the moment Riley’s looking closer to the side of healthy. His face is still a little hollow and his wrists look fragile, but Nickolas has seen worse when Riley was admitted three months ago.
‘So, your turn,’ says Cora, and she taps her knees like a drum roll.
‘Finn. I’m eighteen, and they think I have bipolar disorder.’
Nickolas coughs.
Finn sighs, rolling his eyes knowing that cough was aimed at him. ‘I have bipolar disorder.’ Finn turns his head to look up at Nickolas. ‘Happy now?’
‘You want to get out of here, don’t you? You just took one step closer to the door.’
Finn’s shoulders deflate. He brings his attention back to the group, all eyes on him, none of which looking at him with judgment, disgust, or confusion.
‘Been avoiding your meds I’m guessing.’ Riley’s tone is soft, almost understanding as to why Finn would have chosen not to take them.
Finn nods and then turns to the TV, suddenly fascinated with the commercial about whitening toothpaste.
Nickolas scans the common room and notices Dot walking back in. She points to Eric and then thumbs over her shoulder to indicate it’s his turn to go on break while she covers for him.
‘Actually, Eric, before you go.’ Dot makes her way over to the group where Nickolas is standing, Eric making his way towards them.
‘Riley, it’s time for your appointment with Dr Hale. Eric here will take you.’
Riley stands up. Nickolas reaches out to help him, knowing how fragile he still is. Riley wobbles a little on his legs, but once he gets his balance, he takes Eric’s arm and allows him to guide him towards the exit.
‘Nickolas, would you please go to the craft corner?’ Dot instructs.
‘Sure.’ He gives Finn a small nod of encouragement before making his way to the few patients that are enjoying getting their hands dirty. Although a part of him wants to be able to shield Finn from the many inappropriate questions Cora will send his way, Finn is the type to only answer what he feels comfortable sharing. If Cora oversteps, Finn will put her in her place.
Time passes quickly. Finn laughs once or twice, and the sound sends warmth through Nickolas’s body. It sounds natural.
Is this the first time Finn has allowed himself to let go and laugh?
Eric walks back in from his lunch break, with Riley by his side after collecting him from his session. Dot announces it’s time for lunch, assisting the few patients that were standing by the door patiently, wanting to make sure they get the same seat they have been sitting in for every meal, sticking to their routine, while Eric helps Riley walk in behind them.
Nickolas pulls out the wet wipes they have on a shelf in the craft corner to clean everyone’s hands before allowing them to make their way into the dining area. He keeps cleaning up, wanting to make sure the area has nothing on the floor that could be a hazard, when he sees a pair of slippered feet standing not too far from him. He looks up, green eyes looking back at him with a mop of unkempt red hair.
‘You coming to eat with us?’ asks Finn.
Nickolas straightens up, a small smirk on his face. ‘Already got my one free meal for the day, Cunningham.’
‘And you shared it with boring old me?’
‘I never pass up the opportunity for Aiden’s banana pancakes. You had nothing to do with it.’
Finn chuckles. Nickolas likes the way Finn’s face lights up when he’s happy. ‘Guess you’ll have to starve then.’
‘Nar. Dorothy made some muffins that I ate on my break. I’ll just grab a pizza or something when I finish my shift at three.’
‘Oh.’ Finn’s face drops a little.
‘Yeah. I’ll be back tomorrow in the afternoon.’
‘Cool. Um, I better go get some food.’
Finn wanders off towards the dining area. Nickolas hangs back for a minute or two before following to help monitor the patients with Eric and Dot. He suddenly has the urge to stay here than go home where he can get out of these purple clothes that are starting to smell a little ripe, have a hot shower and get into his comfy bed.
*
Lunch goes well. Nickolas only looks over to the table that has Finn, Alex, Cora, and Riley a total of four times in the hour they have allocated to eat. As everyone begins to return their trays, Dot does a utensil count, making sure no one has pocketed an item or broken any pieces off, while Nickolas sets out to the common room and begins setting up the chairs in a circle for group therapy. Today’s session has seven, eight including the therapist. The remaining patients will be escorted back to their rooms. Nickolas stands at the door to the dining room, reminding those that have group to take a seat, while the ones not involved make their way to the exit, awaiting Dot and Eric to escort them out.
Finn is the last to leave the dining area. He looks at the patients sitting in the chairs, patiently waiting for the therapist to arrive.
‘Be honest. I’m not going to have to sing kumbaya or some shit like that am I?’ Finn asks.
Nickolas thumbs his nose, trying to hide his smile, but the chuckle that escapes his lips defies him. ‘I promise, no singing. But I’m never around for the sessions so, in terms of what comes up, I have no idea.’
Finn rocks back and forth on his heels. ‘Great.’
‘Not much of a sharer?’
‘Actually, us Cunninghams are probably known for sharing a little too much. I mean, three boys living in the one bedroom, you kinda learn to block things out if you know what I mean.’
Nickolas openly chuckles and he doesn’t mind that Finn saw it because the smile it brought to Finn’s face is worth it. ‘Look, if you don’t feel like sharing today, there is always tomorrow. But maybe don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.’
Nickolas gives Finn a small push towards the group, guiding him to an empty chair, and then makes his way to the door. Dr Hale steps through, giving Nickolas a nod as he helps the last patient waiting to be taken back to their room.
Eric is asked to stand outside the common room door while group goes ahead, just in case Dr Hale needs assistance with a patient. With the remaining patients in their rooms, Nickolas makes his way to the break room to grab himself a drink. He was so caught up with the lunch rush and preparing for group that he hadn’t noticed that his other colleagues had started the afternoon shift. Nickolas walks into the break room, Sky casually enjoying one of Dot’s wonderful muffins.
‘Hey, Sky,’ he greets her.
‘Hey. Have you tried one of these? Mmm, so good.’ Sky answers, taking another bite.
‘I think three is my limit.’
She rolls her eyes as she shoves the last of the muffin into her mouth.
‘Can you do me a favour?’ Nickolas asks.
‘Sure. What’s up?’
‘When I leave this afternoon, can you just keep an eye on Finn Cunningham? He’s in room thirteen and he starts his new medication tonight. Last night was rough for him, so…’
‘Yeah. No problems. I’ll ask Lydia to keep an eye on him during the night before I leave.’
‘Thanks.’
He leaves it at that. Just a concerned orderly caring about the wellbeing of their patient. Nothing more. It has nothing to do with the fact that Nickolas wants to be the one keeping an eye on Finn. It will be his second night in this place and the beginning of his body adjusting to a cocktail of medications that he has been avoiding for the last six months. Nickolas tells himself he’s allowed to be concerned.
*
When the clock strikes three, group is finishing up and Nickolas, Dot, and Eric are ready to head home for the day. Nickolas stands at the staff area door and he spots Finn walking out of the common room. Finn looks up from his feet and automatically locks eyes with him and makes his way over.
‘Going home?’ asks Finn.
‘Yeah, my bed is calling for me.’
Finn slowly nods his head.
‘You… you okay?’
‘What? Oh, yeah. Just tired.’
Nickolas doesn’t push. It’s not his place to know that part of Finn’s recovery. What he does know is Finn isn’t lying when he says he’s tired. Last night wasn’t easy for him and his day has been filled with an overload of information.
‘So, ahh. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow?’ Finn questions.
‘Yeah. I’m working another double, hence the need for sleep.’ Nickolas offers more information than necessary to help settle Finn’s nerves.
Nodding slowly, Finn looks back down to his feet and makes his way to his room. He gently brushes his shoulder against Nickolas’s as he passes him. It’s small, gentle, a simple touch that Finn probably needs. Human contact can go a long way for someone’s mental health during their treatment. Nickolas waits for Finn to enter his room before Nickolas walks back to his locker to retrieve his belongings and head home.
The mid-afternoon sun hits Nickolas’s face and he stands outside the automatic doors, taking in a breath of fresh air for the first time in over 24 hours. Jumping into his car, he throws his backpack on the passenger seat beside him and drives home on autopilot. He parks in the allocated spot behind his apartment, then steps out and makes his way around the front.
The sounds of his keys jingling in the door brings Socks out to greet him. She rubs her face against him, purring as she walks in a figure eight around his legs.
‘Hey, girl. Did you miss me or are you just hungry?’
He bends down and picks her up, holding her against his chest as he walks to his little kitchen to dump his backpack and keys. She rubs her face against his neck, and he smiles at the affection. ‘Yeah, missed you too.’
Nickolas puts her back on the ground near her bowl and fills it with food, leaving her to eat as he empties the litter box. He grabs a beer from the fridge, takes note of the lack of food inside, and plonks himself down on the couch. He chugs half the beer before his feet are up on his coffee table. He feels on edge – not sexually but as though his body is itching to move. It’s the adrenaline fading after working three shifts back-to-back. He leans his head against the back of the couch, taking another swig of his beer.
The soft jingle of a bell rings in his ears as delicate paws land on his lap.
‘Oomph.’
Socks kneads at his legs before curling up against his stomach.
‘Sure, make yourself comfortable. Not like I wanted to take a shower or get out of my work clothes or nothin’.’
He runs his fingers through her fur. The afternoon sun shining through his window causes her colour to glow. It mimics a certain ginger whose hair lights up the gloominess of the patient corridor and the darkness that room thirteen brings to Nickolas’s life. His mind begins to wander. Is Finn okay? Will he be okay? Will he handle showering with the other patients or will the extra bodies around him cause him to panic?
He doesn’t understand why he is so fixated on Finn – more than any other patient he has had since working there. Sure, Finn is attractive. If he had met him at a club or down the street, he’d probably make a move. But that’s not what has Nickolas wanting to go back and sit with him, talk with him. It’s not the reason why Nickolas wants to make sure Finn gets the best treatment available so he can walk out feeling like everything might actually be okay. Whatever it is that’s calling out to him, Nickolas knows he needs to be careful.
3. THURSDAY
‘No, no, no, no, no. Please! Wake up! Please, no. Don’t leave me, please. HELP!’
Nickolas sits up in bed. His eyes fly open like a deer in headlights. Sweat drips down his forehead while he wills his body to take in lungfuls of air. His body’s stuck in that feeling of fear and hopelessness. As his heart begins to slow down to a normal pace, he runs his hands down his face, willing his mind to forget the images that played before him.
He jumps from the shock of Socks leaping onto the bed and landing on his legs. ‘Jesus Christ. You know, if I die, no one will be around to take care of you.’
She stretches out her back and begins to walk closer towards him to receive her morning cuddles. He’s thankful that she came to his aid. They say misery loves company and they’re not wrong. Nickolas just chooses to enjoy his company from the companionship of a furry four-legged friend rather than someone that will bitch and moan if he forgets to grab milk on the way home or complain because he is working too much and therefore doesn’t have enough time to go out and socialise as a couple. He’s happy just the way things are, or so he keeps telling himself.
He lays back against his headboard and closes his eyes. His mind wants to take him back to the moment before he woke up, putting him smack bang in the middle of the nightmare. He quickly opens his eyes before he sees the blood again. He hasn’t had any nightmares for a while; most likely the cause is the time he has been spending in room thirteen, like an old friend reminding him that although they have been away, they will always come back to say hello. He picks up his phone and checks the time. It’s only six am. Considering he has the night shift tonight, he should try and get some more sleep.
Lying back down, he rolls onto his side and pulls Socks against his chest. Her soft purrs begin to match with his breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth, her soft vibrations mixed with her body heat giving him a sense of calm as he closes his eyes and takes his mind elsewhere. He visualises himself on a beach, the warm sun beating down on him, creating the serenity of a peaceful summer’s day. He takes a few steps on the sand, his toes going from the hot softness to a cooler mud type texture from the water washing up against the sandbank. The waves come in slowly, a soft blanket of water washing over his feet every before it’s swept back into the ocean. Nickolas’s body begins to relax, preparing to go back to sleep now that his mind is at ease.
He is still on the beach feeling calm and at peace as he suddenly feels a warm hand slip into his own, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Nickolas looks down at his hand, making sure he didn’t imagine the touch. He can see his fingers intertwined with another hand. H-A-T-E separated with someone else’s fingers between each letter of his tattooed knuckles. Nickolas’s eyes slowly make their way up the hand within his. Small freckles litter the skin that’s as white as his, and he wants to count every single one of them. The loose fitted shirt has a few buttons undone at the top, allowing the ocean breeze to blow the collar open a little further, and Nickolas realises he is holding the hand of a man. He’s surprised, he was expecting someone else to be beside him – hoping it was someone else. The warmth from their hand grounds Nickolas. It anchors him to the sand, preventing him from jumping into the ocean and allowing it to sweep his body under the waves, away from the world and the responsibilities that are waiting for him back on land. Finding the courage, his eyes wander up the man’s chest and neck till he is met with a warm smile, kind green eyes and soft red hair.
Finn leans into Nickolas and whispers into his ear. ‘Really? Treating me like the new kid at school that needs to make friends.’
He gives Finn a genuine smile, even though his words are harsh. ‘You want to act like a kid, I’ll treat you like a kid.’
Finn turns back to the group and takes a seat in one of the spare chairs.
‘Hey, I’m Riley. This is Cora and Alex.’ They all raise a hand and smile at him.
‘Uh, Finn.’
‘Whatcha in for, Finn?’
‘Cora. You can’t just ask him that?’ Alex smacks Cora’s arm with the back of her hand.
Finn scratches the back of his neck. Nickolas stands to the side, aware that he’s hovering around them, curious to see how Finn interacts with everyone.
‘I’ll go first.’ Cora sits up straight, almost acting proud for sharing. ‘Cora. Seventeen years old. Auditory hallucinations.’
Finn frowns.
‘It means I hear voices. That’s how I’m so good at hitting on Nickolas here.’
‘Okay, okay,’ says Nickolas, ‘moving on.’
It’s all fun and games, but he still has to be cautious. Patients can get emotionally attached to their doctors, nurses, or, in Nickolas’s case, orderlies. He hears stories all the time of patients being taken advantage of because they’re vulnerable and seek out affection from those treating or caring for them while in a facility. It’s easy for rumours to spread and what is as simple as being friendly can suddenly be seen as something more.
‘Fine, I’ll go next. I’m Alex. Sixteen. Pica, and you’re cute.’
Nickolas widens his eyes at Alex’s comment.
‘Ha, um, thanks but, I bat for the other team,’ Finn casually replies.
Nickolas’s eyebrows shoot up, reaching the top of his hairline, surprised at how carefree Finn is about announcing his sexuality to a group of strangers. He sneaks a glance at Finn, and Finn is looking towards him. Nickolas gives his attention back to the group.
‘Why are the cute ones always gay?’ Alex pouts, picking up the pillow and hugging it to her chest.
‘Probably because men are shallow and looks are the only thing we have to work with,’ Finn explains.
The group breaks out laughing but Nickolas can see Finn is serious. What they took as a joke seemed to be Finn’s way of speaking the truth about his experiences. His concern for what happened to Finn grows each time Finn opens up.
Finn quickly chuckles, hiding behind his laugh to try and make himself fit in.
‘Damn, cute and funny. Yep, you’re totally gay.’
Finn shrugs in agreement. ‘Um, pica?’ He cocks an eyebrow in question.
‘Oh. It means I like to eat non-nutritive objects. You know, like, paperclips, cotton balls. Oh, I once swallowed a USB.’
Nickolas thumbs his bottom lip, noticing how Finn doesn’t know how to respond. Finn is out of his element which is oddly entertaining for Nickolas.
‘Anyway. I’m Riley. Twenty-one, and bulimia has ruled my life for the last five years.’
‘You’ve been here for five years?’ asks Finn.
‘In and out. If not here, then other places. Some specific to the disease, others a little more forceful. Doesn’t matter the treatment, I just can’t seem to fight the battle in my head.’
Nickolas gives Riley a small smile. At the moment Riley’s looking closer to the side of healthy. His face is still a little hollow and his wrists look fragile, but Nickolas has seen worse when Riley was admitted three months ago.
‘So, your turn,’ says Cora, and she taps her knees like a drum roll.
‘Finn. I’m eighteen, and they think I have bipolar disorder.’
Nickolas coughs.
Finn sighs, rolling his eyes knowing that cough was aimed at him. ‘I have bipolar disorder.’ Finn turns his head to look up at Nickolas. ‘Happy now?’
‘You want to get out of here, don’t you? You just took one step closer to the door.’
Finn’s shoulders deflate. He brings his attention back to the group, all eyes on him, none of which looking at him with judgment, disgust, or confusion.
‘Been avoiding your meds I’m guessing.’ Riley’s tone is soft, almost understanding as to why Finn would have chosen not to take them.
Finn nods and then turns to the TV, suddenly fascinated with the commercial about whitening toothpaste.
Nickolas scans the common room and notices Dot walking back in. She points to Eric and then thumbs over her shoulder to indicate it’s his turn to go on break while she covers for him.
‘Actually, Eric, before you go.’ Dot makes her way over to the group where Nickolas is standing, Eric making his way towards them.
‘Riley, it’s time for your appointment with Dr Hale. Eric here will take you.’
Riley stands up. Nickolas reaches out to help him, knowing how fragile he still is. Riley wobbles a little on his legs, but once he gets his balance, he takes Eric’s arm and allows him to guide him towards the exit.
‘Nickolas, would you please go to the craft corner?’ Dot instructs.
‘Sure.’ He gives Finn a small nod of encouragement before making his way to the few patients that are enjoying getting their hands dirty. Although a part of him wants to be able to shield Finn from the many inappropriate questions Cora will send his way, Finn is the type to only answer what he feels comfortable sharing. If Cora oversteps, Finn will put her in her place.
Time passes quickly. Finn laughs once or twice, and the sound sends warmth through Nickolas’s body. It sounds natural.
Is this the first time Finn has allowed himself to let go and laugh?
Eric walks back in from his lunch break, with Riley by his side after collecting him from his session. Dot announces it’s time for lunch, assisting the few patients that were standing by the door patiently, wanting to make sure they get the same seat they have been sitting in for every meal, sticking to their routine, while Eric helps Riley walk in behind them.
Nickolas pulls out the wet wipes they have on a shelf in the craft corner to clean everyone’s hands before allowing them to make their way into the dining area. He keeps cleaning up, wanting to make sure the area has nothing on the floor that could be a hazard, when he sees a pair of slippered feet standing not too far from him. He looks up, green eyes looking back at him with a mop of unkempt red hair.
‘You coming to eat with us?’ asks Finn.
Nickolas straightens up, a small smirk on his face. ‘Already got my one free meal for the day, Cunningham.’
‘And you shared it with boring old me?’
‘I never pass up the opportunity for Aiden’s banana pancakes. You had nothing to do with it.’
Finn chuckles. Nickolas likes the way Finn’s face lights up when he’s happy. ‘Guess you’ll have to starve then.’
‘Nar. Dorothy made some muffins that I ate on my break. I’ll just grab a pizza or something when I finish my shift at three.’
‘Oh.’ Finn’s face drops a little.
‘Yeah. I’ll be back tomorrow in the afternoon.’
‘Cool. Um, I better go get some food.’
Finn wanders off towards the dining area. Nickolas hangs back for a minute or two before following to help monitor the patients with Eric and Dot. He suddenly has the urge to stay here than go home where he can get out of these purple clothes that are starting to smell a little ripe, have a hot shower and get into his comfy bed.
*
Lunch goes well. Nickolas only looks over to the table that has Finn, Alex, Cora, and Riley a total of four times in the hour they have allocated to eat. As everyone begins to return their trays, Dot does a utensil count, making sure no one has pocketed an item or broken any pieces off, while Nickolas sets out to the common room and begins setting up the chairs in a circle for group therapy. Today’s session has seven, eight including the therapist. The remaining patients will be escorted back to their rooms. Nickolas stands at the door to the dining room, reminding those that have group to take a seat, while the ones not involved make their way to the exit, awaiting Dot and Eric to escort them out.
Finn is the last to leave the dining area. He looks at the patients sitting in the chairs, patiently waiting for the therapist to arrive.
‘Be honest. I’m not going to have to sing kumbaya or some shit like that am I?’ Finn asks.
Nickolas thumbs his nose, trying to hide his smile, but the chuckle that escapes his lips defies him. ‘I promise, no singing. But I’m never around for the sessions so, in terms of what comes up, I have no idea.’
Finn rocks back and forth on his heels. ‘Great.’
‘Not much of a sharer?’
‘Actually, us Cunninghams are probably known for sharing a little too much. I mean, three boys living in the one bedroom, you kinda learn to block things out if you know what I mean.’
Nickolas openly chuckles and he doesn’t mind that Finn saw it because the smile it brought to Finn’s face is worth it. ‘Look, if you don’t feel like sharing today, there is always tomorrow. But maybe don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.’
Nickolas gives Finn a small push towards the group, guiding him to an empty chair, and then makes his way to the door. Dr Hale steps through, giving Nickolas a nod as he helps the last patient waiting to be taken back to their room.
Eric is asked to stand outside the common room door while group goes ahead, just in case Dr Hale needs assistance with a patient. With the remaining patients in their rooms, Nickolas makes his way to the break room to grab himself a drink. He was so caught up with the lunch rush and preparing for group that he hadn’t noticed that his other colleagues had started the afternoon shift. Nickolas walks into the break room, Sky casually enjoying one of Dot’s wonderful muffins.
‘Hey, Sky,’ he greets her.
‘Hey. Have you tried one of these? Mmm, so good.’ Sky answers, taking another bite.
‘I think three is my limit.’
She rolls her eyes as she shoves the last of the muffin into her mouth.
‘Can you do me a favour?’ Nickolas asks.
‘Sure. What’s up?’
‘When I leave this afternoon, can you just keep an eye on Finn Cunningham? He’s in room thirteen and he starts his new medication tonight. Last night was rough for him, so…’
‘Yeah. No problems. I’ll ask Lydia to keep an eye on him during the night before I leave.’
‘Thanks.’
He leaves it at that. Just a concerned orderly caring about the wellbeing of their patient. Nothing more. It has nothing to do with the fact that Nickolas wants to be the one keeping an eye on Finn. It will be his second night in this place and the beginning of his body adjusting to a cocktail of medications that he has been avoiding for the last six months. Nickolas tells himself he’s allowed to be concerned.
*
When the clock strikes three, group is finishing up and Nickolas, Dot, and Eric are ready to head home for the day. Nickolas stands at the staff area door and he spots Finn walking out of the common room. Finn looks up from his feet and automatically locks eyes with him and makes his way over.
‘Going home?’ asks Finn.
‘Yeah, my bed is calling for me.’
Finn slowly nods his head.
‘You… you okay?’
‘What? Oh, yeah. Just tired.’
Nickolas doesn’t push. It’s not his place to know that part of Finn’s recovery. What he does know is Finn isn’t lying when he says he’s tired. Last night wasn’t easy for him and his day has been filled with an overload of information.
‘So, ahh. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow?’ Finn questions.
‘Yeah. I’m working another double, hence the need for sleep.’ Nickolas offers more information than necessary to help settle Finn’s nerves.
Nodding slowly, Finn looks back down to his feet and makes his way to his room. He gently brushes his shoulder against Nickolas’s as he passes him. It’s small, gentle, a simple touch that Finn probably needs. Human contact can go a long way for someone’s mental health during their treatment. Nickolas waits for Finn to enter his room before Nickolas walks back to his locker to retrieve his belongings and head home.
The mid-afternoon sun hits Nickolas’s face and he stands outside the automatic doors, taking in a breath of fresh air for the first time in over 24 hours. Jumping into his car, he throws his backpack on the passenger seat beside him and drives home on autopilot. He parks in the allocated spot behind his apartment, then steps out and makes his way around the front.
The sounds of his keys jingling in the door brings Socks out to greet him. She rubs her face against him, purring as she walks in a figure eight around his legs.
‘Hey, girl. Did you miss me or are you just hungry?’
He bends down and picks her up, holding her against his chest as he walks to his little kitchen to dump his backpack and keys. She rubs her face against his neck, and he smiles at the affection. ‘Yeah, missed you too.’
Nickolas puts her back on the ground near her bowl and fills it with food, leaving her to eat as he empties the litter box. He grabs a beer from the fridge, takes note of the lack of food inside, and plonks himself down on the couch. He chugs half the beer before his feet are up on his coffee table. He feels on edge – not sexually but as though his body is itching to move. It’s the adrenaline fading after working three shifts back-to-back. He leans his head against the back of the couch, taking another swig of his beer.
The soft jingle of a bell rings in his ears as delicate paws land on his lap.
‘Oomph.’
Socks kneads at his legs before curling up against his stomach.
‘Sure, make yourself comfortable. Not like I wanted to take a shower or get out of my work clothes or nothin’.’
He runs his fingers through her fur. The afternoon sun shining through his window causes her colour to glow. It mimics a certain ginger whose hair lights up the gloominess of the patient corridor and the darkness that room thirteen brings to Nickolas’s life. His mind begins to wander. Is Finn okay? Will he be okay? Will he handle showering with the other patients or will the extra bodies around him cause him to panic?
He doesn’t understand why he is so fixated on Finn – more than any other patient he has had since working there. Sure, Finn is attractive. If he had met him at a club or down the street, he’d probably make a move. But that’s not what has Nickolas wanting to go back and sit with him, talk with him. It’s not the reason why Nickolas wants to make sure Finn gets the best treatment available so he can walk out feeling like everything might actually be okay. Whatever it is that’s calling out to him, Nickolas knows he needs to be careful.
3. THURSDAY
‘No, no, no, no, no. Please! Wake up! Please, no. Don’t leave me, please. HELP!’
Nickolas sits up in bed. His eyes fly open like a deer in headlights. Sweat drips down his forehead while he wills his body to take in lungfuls of air. His body’s stuck in that feeling of fear and hopelessness. As his heart begins to slow down to a normal pace, he runs his hands down his face, willing his mind to forget the images that played before him.
He jumps from the shock of Socks leaping onto the bed and landing on his legs. ‘Jesus Christ. You know, if I die, no one will be around to take care of you.’
She stretches out her back and begins to walk closer towards him to receive her morning cuddles. He’s thankful that she came to his aid. They say misery loves company and they’re not wrong. Nickolas just chooses to enjoy his company from the companionship of a furry four-legged friend rather than someone that will bitch and moan if he forgets to grab milk on the way home or complain because he is working too much and therefore doesn’t have enough time to go out and socialise as a couple. He’s happy just the way things are, or so he keeps telling himself.
He lays back against his headboard and closes his eyes. His mind wants to take him back to the moment before he woke up, putting him smack bang in the middle of the nightmare. He quickly opens his eyes before he sees the blood again. He hasn’t had any nightmares for a while; most likely the cause is the time he has been spending in room thirteen, like an old friend reminding him that although they have been away, they will always come back to say hello. He picks up his phone and checks the time. It’s only six am. Considering he has the night shift tonight, he should try and get some more sleep.
Lying back down, he rolls onto his side and pulls Socks against his chest. Her soft purrs begin to match with his breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth, her soft vibrations mixed with her body heat giving him a sense of calm as he closes his eyes and takes his mind elsewhere. He visualises himself on a beach, the warm sun beating down on him, creating the serenity of a peaceful summer’s day. He takes a few steps on the sand, his toes going from the hot softness to a cooler mud type texture from the water washing up against the sandbank. The waves come in slowly, a soft blanket of water washing over his feet every before it’s swept back into the ocean. Nickolas’s body begins to relax, preparing to go back to sleep now that his mind is at ease.
He is still on the beach feeling calm and at peace as he suddenly feels a warm hand slip into his own, giving it a reassuring squeeze. Nickolas looks down at his hand, making sure he didn’t imagine the touch. He can see his fingers intertwined with another hand. H-A-T-E separated with someone else’s fingers between each letter of his tattooed knuckles. Nickolas’s eyes slowly make their way up the hand within his. Small freckles litter the skin that’s as white as his, and he wants to count every single one of them. The loose fitted shirt has a few buttons undone at the top, allowing the ocean breeze to blow the collar open a little further, and Nickolas realises he is holding the hand of a man. He’s surprised, he was expecting someone else to be beside him – hoping it was someone else. The warmth from their hand grounds Nickolas. It anchors him to the sand, preventing him from jumping into the ocean and allowing it to sweep his body under the waves, away from the world and the responsibilities that are waiting for him back on land. Finding the courage, his eyes wander up the man’s chest and neck till he is met with a warm smile, kind green eyes and soft red hair.
