Be My Saving Grace, page 22
‘You did. But you were fighting alone.’
Silence. Her thumb rubbing against his hand.
He closes his eyes as he takes it all in. He sighs. ‘He’s my patient.’
‘True. But one day he won’t be. You’ve waited this long to find someone you can see a future with… what’s a little more waiting?’
He shakes his head. Her words are sinking in but the fear he felt seeing Finn lying lifeless in that bed hits him again. ‘I was so scared that he wasn’t going to make it.’
She simply nods. ‘You know, I said Finn’s good for you, but, you’re also good for him.’
‘He doesn’t even know me.’
‘That’s because you won’t let him. Finn’s opened up to you because he trusts you, so maybe it’s time you do the same.’
She turns towards the sun, closing her eyes as the rays cast a glow across her face. Nickolas takes in her beauty and wonders why no one could ever see her the way he saw her. Maybe things would be different if they did.
‘It’s time for me to go.’ She stands.
Nickolas panics as she lets go of his hand. ‘Wait. Already? Hold on.’ He tries to stand up but he can’t seem to rise. ‘Wait. Will I see you again?’
She smiles down at him, the sun casting a halo above her head. ‘I told you. I’m always with you, Nickolas. But hopefully, if you listened to my advice, then maybe we won’t need to see each other anymore.’
‘I’ll always need to see you.’
‘No you won’t, Nickolas. And that’s okay. Once you accept forgiveness, accept love and happiness back into your life, then you’ll be able to move on. And with that, you’ll find other things and other people will make their way into your dreams, and I’ll only pop in from time to time. But that doesn’t mean you love or miss me any less.’ She gives Nickolas a smile. An honest to God, could not be happier smiler. ‘I promise I’m okay. I just want you to be okay too.’
A tear rolls down his face. He blinks it away and when his eyes open again, she is gone. He holds his eyes closed again, squeezing them shut, willing for her to return, only this time when he forces them open, he wakes in his bedroom. The room’s still dark due to the early morning tears are making their way from his cheek onto his pillow.
‘Please take me back to her,’ he whispers as he closes his eyes, but the sound of his alarm going off interrupts him. He turns his head into his pillow, softly sobbing as he allows the ringing to continue, masking the sounds of his cries.
Eventually, he finds the strength to shower, his mind holding onto the sight of her smile. The way the sun lit up her face and the way the wind blew her hair, it was the first dream Nickolas has had since she died that made him happy to see her in his sleep. Nickolas was always under the assumption that the idea of ghosts and spirits and the afterlife is simply a ploy to help people move on after they lose someone they love. But something about that dream seemed too real. Was she trying to communicate with him through his dreams? She did mention Finn, a person who came into Nickolas’s life after she—
He needs to get dressed and ready for work. He pours a cup of coffee as he exits the bathroom, the towel still wrapped around his waist. Back in his bedroom, Socks is still asleep, snuggled into the warm patch he left when he got up. He throws the uniform and boxers Dot had provided for him into his backpack and gets dressed in a pair of jeans and a hoodie, with his own fresh uniform in his bag to change into. He grabs some food, another cup of coffee, and heads out the door, the night slowly beginning to lift as it welcomes everyone into a new day.
He drives, his mind playing over every word spoken in his dream. Sentences shared about being happy and at peace. Advice about needing to trust and live. A part of Nickolas wants to do as she says, take a step into a life he never thought he’d get to enjoy. Then the other part of himself reminds him that if she doesn’t get to live a life of happiness, then why should he.
‘I promise I’m okay.’ Her voice lingers in his ear.
Parking his car, he lets out a deep breath and decides to forget about the dream for the time being and get himself in the right headspace for work. Darren and Sky step out of their cars as he locks his, the three of them silently making their way towards the entrance, still too early to talk to one another more than they need to. Sam notices the sullen tone on their faces and buzzes them in without so much as a good morning.
Nickolas changes with his back turned to Darren so he doesn’t have to see the way Darren’s eyes roam his body like they always do when he gets undressed. He pulls the spare uniform and boxers out of his bag so he can return them, and makes his way to the infirmary, letting the others deal with waking the patients up and getting them to the dining area for breakfast. Hopefully, if all went well, Finn will be able to join everyone and not have to eat alone in his room yet again. He drops off the dirty uniform he wore and then lets himself into the infirmary without knocking, just on the off chance that Finn may still be asleep. Dr Murphy is nowhere in sight, so Nickolas assumes he’s talking to Lexi at the front desk before the shift changeover.
Nickolas walks over to Finn’s bed where he lays still asleep, his body and mind needing the rest. Finn looks so peaceful. Nickolas tries to think if he’s seen Finn like this since he was admitted, but nothing comes to mind. Part of him doesn’t want to disturb Finn’s sleep, but the commotion Lexi will make when she steps through the doors will no doubt startle him awake.
‘Hey, sleepy face,’ says Nickolas.
His voice didn’t even cause Finn to stir. Perhaps his new medication has knocked him out.
He tries again, this time with a little more attitude. ‘Yo. Rise and fucking shine Cinderella.’
Finn groans.
Nickolas chuckles at how adorable he looks when waking up in the morning.
‘Five more minutes.’ Finn rolls over, his eyes still closed as he tries to bring the blanket up over his head.
‘Sure. But then Darren will have to come get you for breakfast, and he doesn’t know the secret word that will get you extra bacon from Aiden.’
Finn peaks open an eye to look up at him. Nickolas is smiling way too bright for this early in the morning and it’s all Finn’s doing. ‘You said wake up was 7 a.m.. It’s only just turned six.’
‘I started at six and I figured it’s my face you wanted to wake up to, so, this is what you get.’
Groaning even louder, Finn sits himself up in the bed, rolling his eyes so dramatically Nickolas is surprised they don’t fall out of his head.
‘How’d you sleep, anyway?’ Nickolas asks.
‘Surprisingly well. I think the meds knocked me out a bit.’
‘Still groggy?’
Finn yaws before he answers. ‘Not for the moment, but it’s only been one dose. Get the next one before breakfast.’
‘Any other symptoms?’
Finn holds his hand out and shows a slight tremor. It’s not as obvious as the ones he had when he first went back on his medication, but it’s enough to cause some discomfort.
‘As I said, hopefully since the previous drugs were already in your system you won’t experience the side effects as severely. However, with the blood transfusion, there’s no guarantee.’ He offers Finn a small smile for reassurance.
‘Good thing this place has such great orderlies that can help if the meds decide to try and knock me down.’ Finn winks at Nickolas, and Nickolas blushes. Six fucking a.m. in the morning and Finn has him blushing.
‘So you’re scheduled for one-on-one therapy today, but no group session. My guess is once Dr Hale sees how you’re progressing she’ll allow you to join the group if she feels you’re ready.’
Nickolas sits down on the chair beside Finn.
‘Does everyone know what happened?’ Finn asks.
‘Word has probably spread. It’s the downside to being a small facility I suppose,’ Nickolas explains. ‘Once a patient is missing, they notice straight away, and questions start to be asked while they listen to the things orderlies are saying. It doesn’t take long for patients to piece things together.’
Finn sighs and stares at the ceiling.
‘You don’t have to worry, Finn. Everyone here has relapsed. They know what it’s like and none of them are here to judge.’
Finn brings his head forward, nodding along with what Nickolas said before he turns his attention towards him. ‘Have you spoken to my sister?’
Nickolas thumbs his bottom lip, breaking eye contact for a moment. ‘Kinda.’
‘Nick?’
‘Things may have gotten a little heated between us.’
‘Shit. I’m sorry. Jessica just doesn’t know when to mind her own business, but I swear, whatever she said she—’
‘Finn! Stop!’ Nickolas cuts Finn off mid-rant, smiling at the way Finn is defending Nickolas’s honour. ‘I, ah, I may have to be the one to apologise.’ He bites his bottom lip.
‘What?’
‘I was the one that went off at your sister, not the other way around.’
‘Wait? Really?’
‘I’m sorry if I overstepped. I was just looking out for your best interests and in the heat of the moment, with some of the things she was saying, I kind of snapped.’
Finn smiles, and Nickolas isn’t sure why that makes him feel proud inside, but it does.
‘No one has ever stood up for me before,’ Finn explains. ‘Especially not against my sister.’
‘Yeah, well. It was about time someone did.’ Nickolas’s cheeks feel hot.
The door swings open and Lexi walks in, taking the attention off of Nickolas and a chance to change the subject.
‘Oh good, you’re up. Let’s change those bandages before you head out for breakfast.’ Lexi is bright and bubbly even at this hour of the morning, but Finn didn’t seem to mind. While he holds each wrist out for Dr Winslow to unwrap, clean, and bandage back up, Finn’s eyes are on Nickolas.
‘Stitches are looking good. They’ll no doubt start to itch soon, but that’s a sign that they’re healing,’ Lexi explains. ‘You’ll probably be left with a scar around two inches long, give or take.’
‘When can I take the bandages off?’ Finns asks.
‘Give it another day. We’ll see how they go, but looks like they should be fine after that. The air will help them heal quicker too.’
Finn nods.
Lexi turns towards Nickolas, a look of concern on her face, but he gives her a smile and a nod.
‘Okay. Well, I have medications that I need to get sorted for the patients, so I suppose I’ll leave you two to it,’ Lexi explains before she heads towards the other side of the room.
‘What’s wrong?’ Nickolas asks as Finn sinks into the mattress; his eyes cast down as his shoulders sag.
Finn shrugs.
‘You know you don’t have to be ashamed of them.’
‘Easy for you to say. For the rest of my life when I go for an interview, or on a date, the first thing they’ll see are these scars. Straight away they’ll assume I’m crazy, or they’ll worry that I’m going to do it again.’
Nickolas ignores the date comment. ‘Are you?’
Finn looks away from his wrists and towards Nickolas. ‘Am I what?’
‘Crazy?’
‘No. But this place says otherwise.’
‘No, it doesn’t. This place says you need help adjusting to a medication that is literally rewiring your brain.’
‘That’s a nice slogan, you should put it on the front door.’
‘Whatever, smartarse. My point is, you need to stop thinking about how other people view you, because at the end of the day, how you view yourself is all that matters.’
‘You sure you’re not a therapist?’
‘I’m sure.’ Nickolas moves to sits on the edge of Finn’s bed. ‘So you’re not crazy. But that begs the next question: are you going to do it again?’
Finn shakes his head. ‘No. I never wanted – I don’t want to be… No. I won’t.’
‘Then fuck the outside world. Wear long sleeves to the interview so they hire you before they see them. And if any guy thinks any less of you because of those scars, then he isn’t good enough to be with you. The right guy would take his time to get to know you and understand what those scars really mean.’
‘… and what do they mean?’
‘They mean you’re a survivor. They mean you have overcome a challenge and a hardship in your life that tried to tear you down… but you won. You walked away with these scars to prove that you fought the darkness. Every single person in this world has that voice in their head telling them to give up, to throw in the towel. Some listen to it and never come back, some ignore it altogether. Others however have a moment of weakness, just like all human beings do, but right at the end, they decide that what they did was a mistake, and they fight like they never have before to bring themselves back from it. That’s you.’
Finn wipes a tear from his eye.
Nickolas knew Finn’s question was a setup, fishing for a compliment. But Nickolas would use his last breath to give Finn the support and confidence he needs to move forward.
Finn slides his hand into Nickolas’, their fingers intertwining long enough for Finn to give his hand a squeeze before disentangling.
‘You hungry?’ Nickolas asks.
‘Starving,’ says Finn.
‘Think you can walk?’
‘I’ll try. Think you can catch me if I can’t?’
‘Always.’
Nickolas makes his way over to Lexi, collecting Finn’s meds from the cart, checking them, and then marking them off before heading back over to Finn. He watches Finn swallow them down and goes to grab him some extra water.
‘Morning Lexi, cart ready?’ Darren asks as he steps into the infirmary.
‘It’s all yours Darren,’ Lexi confirms.
‘Excellent. Oh, hey Nickolas. You ran off so fast this morning after you changed, wasn’t sure where you went.’
‘Dot asked me to check on Finn, help bring him to breakfast,’ Nickolas lies. Dot didn’t have to ask him; he wanted to do that all on his own.
‘Well, guess I’ll see you there.’ Darren winks, and all Nickolas wants to do is roll his eyes.
He makes his way back to Finn, pleased that the curtain prevented Finn from seeing any of that cringe-worthy exchange. He pulls the curtain back, smiling at Finn as he gives him another cup of water before helping him stand.
Taking his time, Finn swings his legs around and places them on the floor. He isn’t as shaky as he was yesterday, the walk to the dining area is slow and Nickolas keeps his hand on Finn’s waist, being sure that Finn is the one taking charge. As Nickolas swipes his key card to the common room, Finn takes in a deep breath before slowly exhaling. Opening the door, Nickolas is relieved to find that everyone is already in the dining area eating, giving Finn a little more time as he prepares to face everyone.
When they enter, Cora calls out for Finn, smiling. She waves for him to sit beside her. Finn turns to Nickolas, who gives him a nod of encouragement. ‘Go sit, I’ll grab you some breakfast.’
Nickolas places the tray in front of Finn, the extra bacon he hinted at evident on his plate.
Finn is happily listening to Cora babble on about the events he had missed the last few days, but he makes sure to cast Nickolas a warm smile of thanks.
Nickolas steps away and stands beside Darren and Sky as they watch everyone eat.
‘Is he back for good?’ Darren asks.
Nickolas tries not to roll his eyes. ‘What kind of fucking question is that?’ Nickolas checks to make sure none of the patients heard him swear, a slip up due to how comfortable he’s becoming when talking to Finn.
‘I’m just saying, has he had the all-clear from the doc?’
‘Jesus Christ, Darren. He’s sitting here eating with everyone isn’t he?’ Nickolas points out.
There is a silence between them all, but only for a moment.
‘Must have been hard for you, finding him like you found—’ Darren stops. The look on Nickolas’s face saying he has crossed a line.
Nickolas wants to smirk at the way Darren takes a small step back. Truth be told, after his dream, he wants to talk about her. He wants to tell people how amazing she was and how much he loved her. But those people are not Darren.
‘How ’bout you go and start monitoring the return trays,’ Nickolas instructs Darren.
‘Ye – yeah. I’ll just, go over there.’ Darren rushes off, leaving Sky and Nickolas near the entrance.
‘How do you do it?’ Sky asks.
‘Do what?’ questions Nickolas.
‘Make someone scared of you, but also want to fuck you at the same time.’
Nickolas’s eyebrows shoot to the roof. It’s no lie that Darren is a flirt who’s been trying to get into Nickolas’s pants since he started working here, but to hear it so bluntly from another colleague makes him want to shut Darren down for good.
‘What’s the saying, play it mean, keep ’em keen?’ says Nickolas.
‘Ha. You sayin’ you’re keen?’ Sky questions.
‘Fuck no. It’s just fun watching him squirm.’ Nickolas looks to Finn, not surprised to see Finn is watching him. Finn turns towards Darren and then back towards Nickolas, a questionable look on his face. He looks back at his tray. Not only is half of the food eaten, but Finn is also no longer hiding his wrists under the table like he was when they entered.
‘Can I leave you two to sort this out while I go check the notes from last night?’ Nickolas asks.
‘I’m sure we can manage,’ says Sky.
Before leaving, Nickolas makes his way over towards Finn.
Finn perks up when he sees Nickolas walking towards him.
‘I need to check over some things. Are you alright here or did you want to head back to your room?’ asks Nickolas. The last thing he wants to do is shove Finn into socialising too soon, but at the same time, he hopes Finn knows he has nothing he needs to hide away from.
