Be My Saving Grace, page 38
Nickolas’s head is spinning. Now she’s saying this? After she forced him to walk away from Finn. Maybe he can blame her behaviour yesterday on the shock of seeing them together, being blindsided, and causing her to panic about Finn’s treatment as well as both of their careers. Her words should be giving him comfort right now, but how could they when it’s too little too late.
‘It doesn’t matter now. As you said, he’ll be getting picked up in the next thirty minutes and then I won’t ever see him again.’ He sniffs a few times, holding back the pressure behind his eyes. ‘If you need me, I’ll be changing the bedding in the patients’ rooms.’ He walks past her and heads straight for the laundry room.
He keeps his mind focused on the job. As he walks out of the third room, he hears the buzz of the mesh gate being unlocked. On instinct, he looks over, and there Finn is, standing by, ready to walk through and put this place behind him. Finn pushes the gate open but he doesn’t walk forward. Nickolas holds his breath, watching. Finn looks back over his shoulder, his eyes landing directly on Nickolas, and without another word, Finn turns back around and leaves.
Nickolas wipes the small tear at the corner of his eye and moves onto the next room.
*
Nickolas walks into the last room. Finn’s room. Sitting on the pillow like a parting gift the cleaners leave at a hotel lays Mandy’s iPod. Beside it are the AirPods, sitting on top of a piece of paper. He slowly walks towards the mattress, behaving as though the items are a sleeping animal and if he moves too quickly it could wake and attack him. He picks up the iPod and headphones. The paper underneath is the goodbye card he made for Finn. He left it behind, keeping all remnants of Nickolas locked away in this place so he can be forgotten.
Nickolas opens the card one more time. His stomach churns as he reads ‘see you on the outside’. He folds the card and puts it in his pocket so he can throw it in the bin later. He pockets Mandy’s iPod and begins to strip the bed. He doesn’t place any clean sheets on the mattress since room thirteen is now vacant. He returns the bin of dirty laundry so it can be washed and collects the trolly of clean clothes that needs to be distributed to every room.
Once finished, he takes his break, not bothering to let Dot or Hayley know of his whereabouts considering he has been absent since he started work at 6 a.m. He goes to the break room, remembering that he didn’t have any food and is left snacking on whatever he can find in the cupboards. It hits him that this is the first time Dot didn’t bring anything in to share with them all.
He finds a few muesli bars, a packet of chips, and an apple in the back of the fridge that he claims for himself. He sits and eats in silence, not allowing his mind to focus on anything besides the sounds created from each bite of food. When he’s finished, he makes his way to the common room with Eric and Sky, their shift starting for the day. He steps inside and the room feels different. Cora, Alex, and Riley are sitting in a corner, keeping to themselves, the room deprived of the laughter and warmth it held over the last few days. Finn was a ray of sunshine that lit up everything and everyone he touched. Those around him couldn’t help but feel a sense of warmth just by being in his presence.
He lets Dot and Hayley go on break and sets up for lunch while Sky and Eric try to liven up the atmosphere in the common room.
*
The remainder of the day leaves Nickolas working on autopilot. He ticks things off in his head, making sure all the tasks are complete as they go through the process of lunch, setting up for group, and escorting those who aren’t involved back to their room. He isn’t in the mood to strike up a conversation with anyone and only gives the bare minimum response when asked a question. Patients that he would happily spend his day interacting with he decides to let them be, figuring he wouldn’t be much company today with how he is feeling.
Eventually, the clock strikes three and Nickolas is ready to hightail it out of there. He collects his bag so he can go home, get drunk and spend the next two days curled up with Socks in the darkness of his bedroom. He bangs his locker door closed, stopping in his place when he sees Dot blocking the doorway.
‘Before you leave, I just want to say that I’m sorry,’ says Dot.
All Nickolas can do is stand there. No energy left to fight.
‘Everything that happened with you and Brett, between the incident and him being fired, having to find a replacement for not only him but for Jasmine too… I just… I behaved irrationally.’ Dot sighs.
‘You behaved how a boss should have behaved when they learned that their employee was breaking rules and protocols with a patient.’ Nickolas sounds robotic.
‘Perhaps. But when have I ever questioned the way you bend the rules around here, Nykolai? And if I do recall, I bent them first when I allowed you to visit Mandy at night.’
He recalls. But now, as he stands in the middle of the locker room, body exhausted from talking, feeling, hurting, he’s ready to just go home and be alone.
‘I hope one day you can accept my apology.’
Nickolas sighs. He knows he will. Dot is like his mother and sometimes a parent’s actions is misguided, thinking of what’s best for their child’s interests, but not realising what’s best for the child. ‘I’ll see you on Friday. Please don’t call me in,’ says Nickolas.
Dot chuckles. ‘I won’t. Scout’s honour.’
He hikes his backpack over his shoulder and makes his way past her, accepting the pat on his back as he leaves. He waves goodbye to Jasmine as she buzzes the door open and heads for the automatic doors, squinting as the bright afternoon sun shines down on him. The doors close behind him, and he stops. Nickolas looks up to the sky as he takes a minute to enjoy the breeze through his hair, the sun on his face, and the feeling of being free.
After a few deep breaths, he brings his head back down in front, trying to blink away the dots he sees in front of his eyes as they adjust to a natural amount of sunlight. He stops blinking once the dots have cleared, only to blink again as he questions the sight in front of him.
It can’t be. Sitting on the edge of the fountain is Finn. He’s looking back at Nickolas, his elbows resting on his knees with his hair styled as though it’s meant to be messy. He’s wearing a maroon long sleeve top which is hugging him in all the right places and dark blue jeans with a pair of Converse. He looks beautiful. Healthy. Put together. And Nickolas is pleased to see some of the purple under his eyes has gone. Stuck in place, unable to move whether from the shock of seeing Finn or from fear that it’s a hallucination, Nickolas’s breath hitches in his throat.
Finn stands up and takes a few steps towards him. He stops with only a couple of feet between them, placing his hands in his pockets as he gives Nickolas a small shy smile. ‘Hey, Nick.’
Two words. That’s all it took for Nickolas’s knees to go weak. ‘Hey.’ He thumbs at his lip, scared to know if seeing Finn right now is a good sign or not. ‘What, ah – what are you doing here?’
‘I, ah, I forgot something. I came back to get it.’
‘Oh. Well, I – I cleaned out your room, man. Nothing was left behind.’ He doesn’t bring up the iPod or the card. The way they were strategically placed, it was obvious they were left behind on purpose. ‘But you can go in and Jasmine can take a look for you.’
‘No need. What I left behind is standing right in front of me.’
Nickolas’s heart begins beating so fast he’s sure Finn can hear it. Rush of blood to his ears makes him wonder if he heard Finn correctly. Finn cups Nickolas’s face, and he can’t help but lean into the touch, the warmth of Finn’s hand feeling as good as, if not better than, the sun on his face.
‘I spent the last fourteen days rewiring my mind and my body,’ Finn explains. ‘I spent all that time learning how to deal with a mental illness I’m going to be living with for the rest of my life while accepting that just because I’m bipolar, that doesn’t mean it’s the end for me.’
Nickolas takes in every word, unsure where Finn is going but hope still bubbling inside of him.
‘The one thing I didn’t expect in those fourteen days, Nickolas, was to find someone that opened up my world.’
‘Finn—’
‘No, let me finish. Please. I thought being bipolar was a death sentence and, fuck, if I hadn’t started taking the medications or had people around me to help while it was balancing out, then it could have been. I don’t want you to take care of me, not like the way you take care of everyone inside of this place. I want us to take care of each other the way you take care of someone you’re falling in love with.’
Nickolas gasps.
‘I’ve been slowly falling in love with you each and every day I was here. Each time you came to check on me, each time you sat by my side while we talked. I could feel something growing between us.’
Nickolas is speechless, which is probably for the best since he doesn’t want to interrupt what Finn has to say.
‘You saved me, Nick. Not just physically, but metaphorically too. Because of you, I started to believe that there was a life waiting for me when I got out. A life worth living. A life filled with friends and family; with a decent job I can actually enjoy. A life that would one day open the doors to me getting my own place, maybe a dog so I have someone I can take running with me in the mornings.’ Finn looks down, breaking the eye contact between them.’But it wasn’t enough.’ Finn looks back up, green eyes meeting with Nickolas’s blue. ‘It was missing you. I want all those things and I want to share them all with you, Nick.’
Nickolas searches Finn’s face, looking for any lie behind his words. All he can see is hope. Soft, green, cloudy eyes filled with hope and love. Tears are wanting to fall but Nickolas holds them back. ‘What I said…’
‘Was because of Dorothy.’
Nickolas shoots his eyebrows up.
‘She told me. Before I left this morning, she pulled me aside and explained what she did, what she said. It all made sense after that.’
‘It doesn’t matter if it was because of her. I still said it and I hate that I hurt you like that. I didn’t mean any of it.’ A single tear falls down Nickolas’s cheek and Finn wipes it away with his thumb.
‘I know.’ Finn closes the gap between them. He rests his forehead against Nickolas’s, the contact causes Nickolas to closes his eyes and breathe Finn in.
‘I don’t know when it happened, I just knew that I wanted to share everything with you,’ explains Finn. ‘My life. My world. My heart. And once I realised that, I knew I was in love with you. All of you. The good, the bad. To me you were just perfect… are perfect.’
Nickolas looks up into Finn’s eyes and closes the final gap between them by leaning in and placing his lips on Finn’s. Nickolas feels as though he is having an out-of-body experience, watching the kiss between himself and Finn from afar. They take their time, no longer needing to rush in fear of being caught. No longer feeling as though what they are doing is forbidden. Nickolas digs his hands into Finn’s hips as Finn raises his left hand to place it on the other side of Nickolas’s face. Their lips move slowly, sensually, taking turns in sucking the other’s bottom lip before releasing it and doing it again. Nickolas moans and Finn swallows it down. As Finn’s tongue enters Nickolas’s mouth, nothing in his life has ever tasted so good. Heat begins to build in the pit of his stomach as Finn’s hand moves from his cheek to the back of his neck, pulling Nickolas in closer. After what feels like hours, Nickolas pulls away. He’s dizzy, feeling as though he’s floating, and needs to take a moment to come back down to earth.
‘Did you get my card?’ Finn keeps Nickolas close as he asks the question.
‘Card? You mean the one I made you?’
‘Yeah. It was my way of saying I’ll be here waiting.’
See you on the outside. This whole time Nickolas thought Finn was angry at him when in actual fact he hadn’t stopped fighting for them.
‘How long have you been waiting out here?’ Nickolas asks.
‘Around three hours.’
‘What? I told you what time I finished work today.’
‘I know. But after I saw you this morning, I wasn’t sure if you were going to stay on and finish your whole shift. I didn’t want to risk missing you.’
Nickolas brings his hand up from Finn’s waist, holding the back of his neck so he can run his fingers through Finn’s soft, fiery hair.
‘When I saw you at breakfast, all I could do was blame myself,’ Nickolas explains.
Finn brings him closer, the extra contact settling his nerves. ‘When Jessica picked me up, I went straight home to see my siblings, I showered, went to the pharmacy to get my prescription filled out and I called one of the therapists Dr Hale recommended me to make an appointment for tomorrow.’
Nickolas pulls back just enough so he can see Finn’s face.
‘It’s okay. I’m okay. I did it though because I want to do this right. Us. Keep up with my meds. Keep up with my therapy so everything doesn’t fall on my family, or you. So, once I did that, I asked Jessica to drop me off here.’
‘Bet she had a few questions about that.’
‘She said after you two shared a heated conversation over the phone, she had her suspicions that you weren’t just my nurse.’ Finn smiles a cocky smile.
Nickolas scoffs to hide the blush appearing on his face. ‘Bitch, I’m nobody’s nurse. I’m an orderly. It’s different.’
‘Ah, ha… you know, defending my honour to my sister is pretty fucking hot, Nickolas.’
‘Oh really?’ Nickolas smirks.
‘So what do you say, should we make this thing official?’ Finn asks.
‘Thought you’d never ask,’ says Nickolas.
Smiling like two love-sick teenagers, they kiss again, Finn wrapping his arms around Nickolas’s waist to lift him off the ground and spin on the spot. Nickolas laughs. It’s the gayest, most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to him, but he doesn’t fucking care. He’s happy. He’s in love. Everything else is just white noise in comparison.
Forced to deal with more trauma than anyone their age should be expected to, together, Nickolas and Finn gave each other the strength to finally break down the walls that were suffocating them, forcing them to give up. They were each other’s saving grace, helping one another rise up from the ashes and say ‘this isn’t my end, this is just my beginning.’
EPILOGUE
The setting sun is beaming on Nickolas’s face. He tilts his head back, his eyes closed against the golden glow so it doesn’t blind him and he takes a deep breath in. He’s made it. After all those dreams he was having, he finally found the time to drive down to 12th Street Beach.
It’s not a luxurious beach. The sand isn’t starch white and there are no palm trees with people drinking from coconuts. But it’s the closest thing he has near his home – which doesn’t say much since this is the first time he’s visited the ocean. As he sits on the beige sand that has more weeds and rocks than sand, he’s still able to enjoy the calming sound of the waves crashing onto the shore, the green water still reminding him of the beautiful eyes that belong to the man he loves. Finn.
The last three months have been like nothing he could have expected and yet everything he has ever wanted all wrapped up in one. Since the day Finn was waiting for him at the fountain, his world has been tipped upside down – for the better, of course.
*
Nickolas still can’t believe this is real. Finn had walked out of the hospital only six hours ago and yet here he is, sitting beside Nickolas in the passenger seat. He keeps glancing at Finn as he drives them to his apartment, plans for him to change before they go out for their first official date.
‘Just take a seat anywhere, promise I’ll be quick, I just don’t want to go out smelling like a hospital,’ Nickolas explains.
‘You know, I never understood that phrase until I got home and realised my clothes smelled like sterilised equipment.’
‘Yeah, it’s from the products the cleaners use at night,’ Nickolas yells out to Finn as he runs the water for his shower. He gets under the spray before it’s even warm, too eager to clean himself and get back to Finn in case he steps out and realises it really is all a dream. As the water runs down his back, and the soap lathers up his skin, he hears Finn’s love confession in his head as if the redhead is standing in the bathroom with him, repeating his words again and again. He can feel the firmness of Finn’s hand on his hips and the softness of the redhead’s lips on his own. If none of it is real, he’s going to have to give his mind praise for concocting such a detailed hallucination.
He steps out of the shower, dries himself off and wraps the towel around his waist. He opens the bathroom door and all he can hear is Finn’s voice, a few octaves higher than he’s used to hearing it.
Cautiously, Nickolas steps out and makes his way into the living room where he can see Finn sitting on the couch, Finn’s back turned towards him.
‘Well, aren’t you a cutie? Yes, you are, and you know it too, look at you. Personally, I’m into boys, specifically your daddy, but I think I’m going to have to make an exception for you.’
Nickolas can’t help but smile as Socks meows and starts purring.
‘Socks, that’s your name, right?’
Another meow.
‘Does your daddy have a thing for gingers? I’m just asking because, between the both of us, I couldn’t help but—’
Nickolas clears his throat. Finn spins around quickly, the movement causing Socks to jump up onto the back of the couch.
