Be My Saving Grace, page 28
‘I’m sorry. If I had known, I wouldn’t have…’
Nickolas nods.
‘I hope it goes well for you, Nickolas.’
‘Me too. I, ah…’ He looks to his feet, thumbing his lip in the hopes that it covers his blush. ‘I really fuckin’ like him.’ To avoid further questions, Nickolas walks away. He grabs a bottle of water from Aiden in the kitchen and sneaks a side-eye glance at Finn. Just as he suspected, his redhead heard it all and his face is beaming with joy.
*
Nickolas stands near the lunch cart, taking note of each patient’s tray as they return it, pleased to see all the utensils are accounted for. Finn is once again the last in the queue.
‘How was your lunch?’ Nickolas asks.
‘Give my thanks to the chef,’ says Finn.
Nickolas chuckles and takes Finn’s tray from his hands, giving it a quick check over.
‘So, should I back off?’ Finn questions.
‘What?’ Nickolas cocks an eyebrow.
‘This guy you’ve been seeing. Don’t think he’d like to know I’ve been going after his man.’ Finn winks. He fucking winks and Nickolas can’t help but blush and laugh.
When did this become his life?
‘Oh yeah. He’d knock your teeth out if he knew.’ Nickolas says.
‘I’ve gotten into fights over less important things.’
‘You callin’ me important?’ He bites his bottom lip. A small groan falling from Finn’s mouth as he catches Nickolas doing it. Finn takes the smallest of steps towards Nickolas, fully aware that they are out in the open as he looks down into Nickolas’s eyes.
‘I really fuckin’ like you too, Nick.’
The air leaves Nickolas’s lungs. Finn’s arm brushes against him as he walks away, heading back to the common room while Nickolas stands frozen in place. He’s a 21-year-old male whose heart is racing as if he were a thirteen-year-old girl that just got told the boy she likes, likes her back.
He pushes the cart into the kitchen, chatting to Aiden briefly so he can calm his breathing before stepping back into the same room as Finn. If he just so happens to eat a chocolate pudding or two while doing so, Aiden wouldn’t be one to judge him.
*
The room is set up for group, and Nickolas helps escort the patients who aren’t scheduled for the session back to their rooms, feeling eyes on him every time he walks in and out of the common room. Darren stands by the door during the session while Dot and Nickolas attend to the mundane tasks, giving them a chance to casually talk and catch up.
‘I went to the cemetery this morning.’ Nickolas keeps his head down, focusing on retrieving the files Dot had asked him to get for her.
Are you okay?’ She stops writing her notes.
‘Yeah… surprisingly. It felt…’
‘Like a “goodbye”?’
‘No. No, more like a “see you soon”.’
Dot looks alarmed.
‘Fuck – no! Not like that. I just meant, shit, I meant that for once it felt like she wasn’t actually gone gone, ya know? Like visiting was a way for me to just talk to her. I don’t know. I’m probably making no sense.
‘You’re making complete sense, Nykolai. People process grief differently. It can take longer for some than for others.’
He takes a seat across from her.
‘Any chance a certain someone has helped you move past that guilt you were torturing yourself with?’ Dot questions.
‘Why ask the question that you already know the answer to?’
Dorothy looks smug. She must have had her suspicions after that one-on-one discussion with Finn. ‘I’m glad. Really, I am. I can see the difference in you both.’ She reaches across the table and puts her hand on top of his. ‘But you still need to be careful, Nykolai. He is still a patient, and you are still his orderly.’
‘I know, Dot. I’d never—’
‘I never said you would.’ Dorothy gives his hand a soft pat, then pulls hers back and continues writing her notes.
‘We’re friends. That’s it.’ Friends that really fucking like each other. But right now, all they can be is friends. Especially in the eyes of those around them.
‘Just be sure he knows that too. Patients can get the wrong idea. But regardless, I trust you, Nykolai.’
A pit of shame opens in Nickolas’s stomach. The minute his lips touched Finn’s, with every touch and caress that followed, it has shattered that trust. Lying beside Finn as he slept, every comment and look, it’s all been tainted with the knowledge that he was acting unprofessional and unethical. He fought so hard to make sure that he didn’t do anything unethical, but then Finn kissed him and he almost died and suddenly he didn’t see the point in fighting with himself any longer.
*
At 3 p.m., Hayley, James, and Sky head home as everyone shuffles out of the common room. Many look exhausted – a sign of a deep session – and one of those faces belongs to Finn. Nickolas ducks into Finn’s room and waits for him.
Finn exhales as he walks through the door and stretches his neck.
‘You okay?’ Nickolas asks.
Finn sighs. ‘Better now.’
‘Can I do anything?’
‘What are the chances I could get a hug?’
Nickolas bites his bottom lip and eyes the door. He tilts his head towards the bathroom, a smile instantly breaking out on Finn’s face.
Hidden away, Nickolas wraps his arms around Finn’s shoulders, gives his nape a quick squeeze and runs his fingers through the soft hairs at the bottom of his head.
Finn inhales, his nose pressed into the crook of Nickolas’s neck.
‘Better?’ Nickolas asks.
Finn simply nods. Reluctantly, Nickolas pulls away. He walks back into the middle of the room and waits for Finn.
‘We talked about coping mechanisms today.’ Finn sits on his mattress, Nickolas still standing, keeping his distance. ‘We discussed healthy ways to handle things when situations get rough ... you know, for when we get out. But we also talked about the unhealthy coping mechanisms we had used when we were struggling.’
‘It puts a whole new perspective on the saying “take a walk down memory lane”, doesn’t it?’
‘Ha. That’s for sure.’
‘Facing it is the only way you can move forward from it though, Finn.’
Finn tilts his head. ‘You read Mandy’s journal yet?’
‘Wow!’ Nickolas crosses his arms over his chest.
‘Sorry, sorry, I didn’t mean…’ Finn exhales. Tiredness evident in his voice.
‘No, I get it. I shouldn’t be pushing you when I can’t even take my own advice.’
‘It’s completely different circumstances, Nick.’
‘It’s fine. You’re making progress. It’s showing not just with me but with everyone. You’re doing great and that’s all that matters.’
A proud smile spreads over Finn’s face.
‘I’ll, ah, I’ll let you rest up.’ Nickolas turns to leave.
‘Nickolas. When you’re ready, as hard as it will be, I’m sure reading her journal will give you the answers you need to give yourself closure.’
Nickolas doesn’t reply. He simply watches Finn lay back onto his mattress, closing his eyes and entwining his fingers on his chest.
*
Near the end of his shift, Nickolas collects the med cart from the reception desk with plans to see Finn one last time before he goes home. Nickolas does the rounds, relieved that Ethan has no bruises on his body, but he is reserved as Nickolas says goodnight, locking the door behind him. Finn is already lying in bed, the blankets pulled up around him.
‘Hey… you awake?’ Nickolas whispers.
‘Just resting. Big day, ya know?’ Finn mumbles.
‘Here. Take these.’ Nickolas sits on the edge of the mattress and watches Finn take the pills with no argument and lies back onto his pillow.
‘You feeling okay?’ Nickolas brushes a few strands of damp hair from Finn’s forehead.
‘Yeah. It’s not the meds, just – thinking.’
Nickolas hums in understanding.
‘Hey, you still owe me a story about your first time,’ says Finn.
Nickolas pulls his hand away, groaning. He’d hoped Finn had forgotten. ‘I don’t know if now is the best time for that, Finn.’
‘Please. It will help me get out of my own head.’
Nickolas sighs and runs a hand down his face. ‘It was two weeks after Alice. I was dealing for my dad and this guy was a regular customer. Everyone knew he was gay, but I dealt with him so Dominic didn’t beat the shit out of him.’ He pauses. ‘One day he asked if I wanted to share a joint with him, I had nothing else to do and he had already paid me, so I figured if he wanted to waste the product on me then that was his choice.’
‘We were smokin’ up on the football field at the school. It was dark out, just talking shit, when he puts his hand on my knee. I pushed it away, internally freaking out but he didn’t move. He just sat there, waiting, and as I looked around the field seeing just how alone we were, I pushed him onto his knees, and he just knew. He took off his pants, got on all fours, and well, you know how it is.’
‘That doesn’t seem so bad,’ comments Finn.
‘Story isn’t finished.’
‘Oh.’
Nickolas coughs a couple of times to clear his throat. ‘When it was over, we pulled our pants up and he turns to me, smirking, and says, “Always knew you were gay”. And, I don’t know, maybe it was hearing someone call me gay for the first time or the internal panic of someone knowing my secret, I just, I lost it. I punched him, the shock kept him down long enough for me to straddle him and just kept laying punch after punch. Even as I’m doing it, I hate myself for it, but a voice in my head kept saying, “better him than you”.’
Nickolas looks down at his hands, envisioning the blood staining his knuckles.
‘I got up, watched him roll to his side as he’s spitting out blood ... I don’t even remember how I was able to stop hitting him. Anyway, I, ah, I told him, “I ain’t no fag and if you tell anyone about this, next time you won’t be getting back up” and I left. Never saw the guy again.’
Nickolas jumps as Finn places a hand on his knee.
‘Hey. I get it,’ says Finn. ‘What happened, why you did it. I’m not going to judge you for a mistake you made while living in fear.’
Nickolas puts his hand on Finn’s and gives it a gentle squeeze.
‘I, ah, I have to go,’ says Nickolas.
‘Nickolas, no. You don’t have to leave.’
‘I don’t want to go, but I have to. My shift is about to end and if I’m not back out the front in time they’re going to come looking.’
Finn lets go.
‘Thank you. For not…’ For not hating me, Nickolas thinks.
‘You never have to worry about something you did in the past changing how I feel about you, Nick. Just like I know my past doesn’t change the way you feel about me.’
‘Never could change that, Finn.’ Nickolas gets up, making his way to the door.
‘See you tomorrow?’
‘Of course.’ Nickolas closes the door and heads back towards the front desk with the med cart. He changes out of his uniform, grabs his bag, and stays at the front desk till the clock strikes eight, chatting away with Dot and Sam. Brett is working the nightshift with Lydia and Dot is making it a point to keep them separated as much as possible.
‘Let’s get out of here.’ Darren explains as he makes his way to the reception desk. Lydia and Brett step through the gate after Darren’s departure and Nickolas makes eye contact with Brett, begging him to say something so he can shut him down. To Nickolas’s surprise, Brett stays silent.
Nickolas asks Lydia to do the first few night checks in case Finn is still awake. He can trust Lydia to let it slide, knowing Finn would eventually fall asleep on his own. Lydia gives Nickolas her word before saying goodbye.
*
Nickolas walks through his door, greeted by purring and meowing as Socks does a figure eight around his feet. He grabs a beer and takes a seat on the couch. Socks leaps onto his lap, demanding love and affection which Nickolas is more than happy to provide. He runs his hand from her head down her spine and chuckles as her purr increases in volume while she arches into the touch.
Deciding she’s had enough, Socks jumps off Nickolas onto the box that is still sitting on the coffee table. He had managed to put the rest away after retrieving the iPod charger but got preoccupied and left this one out. He cocks an eyebrow as Socks perches herself on top of the lid. Nickolas takes a sip of his beer, then another while he just watches her. She scratches at the lid.
Nickolas shakes his head in disbelief. ‘You and Finn been talking to each other behind my back, have ya?’
She meows in response.
He puts his beer beside the box and lifts her off the lid. He removes the lid and picks up Mandy’s journal from on top. He stares at the hardcover as though it might bite him.
He runs his hands down his face, then grabs his beer and chugs it. He takes the journal, leans back against the couch and opens the front page, but the dark scrawl of Mandy’s handwriting has him close it again.
‘Nope. I… yeah, I’m not ready for this.’
He grabs a second beer from the fridge and chugs half of it down. He knows Finn is right, that he needs to read it. The closure he’s been seeking since she passed is in that journal. But he can’t do it. He storms back to the coffee table, puts the journal inside the box and closes the lid.
Visiting Mandy’s grave was a big enough leap for one day, he doesn’t want to push himself with too much too soon. But the damn box is calling to him like the beating drums of the Jumanji board game. He grabs his keys and jacket and walks out the door. He doesn’t know where he’s going, he just walks. But the sound of the busy streets and passing cars isn’t enough to drown out the battle going on in his head.
The truth of the matter is that he’s scared. Scared of finding out something about his sister that he was never meant to know. Scared of the image he has of her in his mind forever being tainted. What if she wrote about something that happened that he never knew about? Something she did. She could’ve written about how she hated the way he took care of her, the way he babied her. He doesn’t want to lose the idea of her being the only family member who ever really loved him. He’s scared to get a glimpse into her mind, even though he knows that seeing the way she struggled will help him come to terms with why she did what she did.
His lungs burn with each ragged breath of cold air. He looks around and is shocked to see he made it all the way to Boys Town. He doesn’t exactly live far, but he sure as hell isn’t close enough for it to be an easy walk. He considers hailing for a cab, but the loud music from a club is enough to silence his racing thoughts. With no line, he enters and heads straight to the bar. He has walked off the two beers and will need his blood alcohol concentration to be much higher if he hopes to keep his thoughts at bay.
Nickolas takes a seat at the bar flags down the bartender and orders a whiskey, Nickolas downs it and signals for another before the bartender has a chance to serve anyone else.
‘Trying to drown your sorrows?’ asks some guy standing beside Nickolas. He had to practically yell his question for it to be heard.
The music covers Nickolas’s groan. He doesn’t bother to reply and continues to sip his drink, hoping the guy will take the hint and walk away.
‘You know, there are more exciting ways to help you ease whatever it is you’re trying to drink away,’ the guy continues.
‘Not any I’m interested in,’ Nickolas spits out.
‘How’d you know until you gave it a try?’
A hand slides up Nickolas’s thigh. He slams his hand on top of it, giving it a not so gentle squeeze as he removes it from his leg. ‘Take the hint: I ain’t interested.’
‘Jesus, fine. Sue me for just wanting a little fun.’ The guy scurries off to the dance floor as the song changes.
‘What’s the matter? Wasn’t your type?’ The bartender pours him a third drink without Nickolas requesting it.
‘Not what I came here for,’ Nickolas explains.
‘That’s what everyone says. Till the right person comes along.’
‘Already got the right person. Just needed a drink.’
‘If that were the case, you’d be drinking with him, not in some bar in Boys Town on a Thursday night.’
‘Trust me, no place I’d rather be than spending my night with him, but circumstances prevent that. So, it’s either at home with my thoughts, or here with the shitty music that’s loud enough to drown everything out and enough booze to shut everything up.’
‘Fair enough. Want me to leave the bottle?’
‘Better not, got to work tomorrow.’
The bartender fills another glass up for Nickolas, placing it beside the one he is still sipping, and gives him a wink as he walks away. Guess the guy felt sorry for him. Nickolas’s ears become accustomed to the music, allowing him to tune in to the conversations around him. People complaining about their love life, others wanting to blow off some steam after a big week of work. A few celebrate, whether it be a birthday or a raise. One guy is trying to get over a broken heart, so his friends brought him out to get laid – Nickolas doesn’t make eye contact with anyone in that group. It’s all enough to push thoughts of Mandy back into the box he has been keeping her in until he is ready to open the lid back up.
Nickolas finishes his fourth drink. Time to get back home. He is working a double tomorrow, which means he needs to be well-rested. As he throws some bills onto the counter, along with a tip, he picks up on the conversation between a businessman in his mid-to-late forties and what looks to be a few work colleagues.
‘I swear, he was the easiest arse I’ve had in months. If only all the twinks around here were that willing to give it up.’
