Be My Saving Grace, page 15
There are two patients left by the time Dr Hale comes in to begin the group session. James and Dot walk them back to their room while Nickolas closes the door behind him and stands guard in case any of the patients need assistance. He only has an hour left of his shift and although standing outside a door as if he is a bouncer at a nightclub is probably the slowest way to kill time, it is also the only thing he wants to do.
Standing guard, so to speak, allowed him to be close to Finn. He couldn’t hear what was being said behind the door, but a part of him felt settled knowing that, if Finn needed help, Nickolas would be the one called to his aid.
He isn’t sure how much time had passed before he hears raised voices coming from behind the door.
‘Boo fucking hoo. Don’t play the victim when you put yourself in a situation for that to happen.’
‘Sasha, you need to calm down.’
‘No! I’m sick of all these people feeling sorry for themselves because of what happened to them when they were the ones stupid enough to leave themselves vulnerable to be taken advantage of.’
Nickolas goes to open the door but stops. He hasn’t been called in to help yet and, from what he can hear, no one is at risk of getting hurt. It’s purely heightened emotions during a group discussion.
‘Leave myself vulnerable? How the fuck is being drugged my fault?’
Shit. That’s Finn talking, or more so defending himself.
‘You’re telling me you didn’t already have something else in your system before you went back to that guy’s hotel?’
Nickolas grips the door handle a little harder, more intent than ever to hear what is being said in that room.
‘So what if I did? I still knew what I was doing. What I wanted. But being shackled to a bed and raped was not what I had in mind when I said “yes” to going back to that guy’s room.’
Nickolas’s heart feels heavy as he hears Finn’s voice break when he says the word ‘rape’. It pains him that he can’t go in there and comfort Finn.
‘Whatever. You think I wanted to grow up in a house where I was raped daily? No drugs were involved. No shady shit. Just me and the one person who was meant to protect me in life.’
‘Sasha, that’s enough. This is a safe space and not a chance for you to attack Finn for opening up about his trauma while manic.’
After that, Nickolas can’t hear what’s being said behind the door. He slowly releases his grip on the door handle, his knuckles white from clenching so hard, and turns back around so his back is to the door.
It’s almost time for Nickolas to go home for the day when a sudden breeze sends a shiver up Nickolas’s spine. He turns to see Dr Hale holding the door open, allowing the patients to walk out and make their way back to their rooms.
‘Everything go okay?’
He doesn’t generally ask, but he wanted to let her know that he was aware of the heated argument that took place not too long ago.
‘Nothing I couldn’t handle. Thank you, though.’
Finn walks towards him, his hands in his pockets and a sullen look on his face.
‘Finn. You did well today. Progress.’ Dr Hale sounds proud. ‘I know Sasha didn’t make it seem that way, but everyone in this room is dealing with their own struggles. Sometimes taking it out on others is easier than trying to face their fears.’
The words resonate with Nickolas. Finn simply gives her a nod and a half-smile before walking past them both, making his way towards his room. Already in a world of her own, Dr Hale walks back towards her office, reading over her notes as the clip-clop of her heels echo throughout the corridor. It’s 3 p.m.. Nickolas is ready to go home to shower, eat and sleep, thankful that he has the afternoon shift tomorrow. However, a part of him isn’t ready to leave, not yet, not before he checks on Finn.
Making his way to room thirteen, he’s surprised to see Finn has left the door to his room open. Nickolas takes it as a sign that Finn was hoping he would stop by, compared to a closed door indicating he wanted to be left alone.
‘I, ah, thought I’d say goodbye before heading home,’ says Nickolas.
Sitting on his bed, his back against the wall with his legs stretched out in front of him, Finn has his eyes on Nickolas from the minute he stepped into the room.
‘Will I see you tomorrow?’ Finn asks.
‘Course. I got the afternoon shift.’
‘Do you ever get a day off?’ A smile in Finn’s voice.
‘I get two days off after working fourteen days straight.’
‘Jesus. When do you have time to do anything?’
‘It’s shift work. I’m not always working doubles but, I mean, everyone else kinda has a family or something, so I offer to work more to help out. Give them a chance to spend time with their loved ones.’
‘Don’t you have anyone you want to spend time with, Nick?’ There is sadness in Finn’s voice, along with a sense of curiosity.
‘No one in my life worth sharing my time with besides my cat. She’s probably the only one that can tolerate me anyway.’
Finn doesn’t buy it.
Nickolas scuffs his foot on the floor, no longer wanting the attention to be on him.
‘Maybe we can change that…’ suggests Finn.
Nickolas looks up. There is kindness in Finn’s eyes. Nickolas opens his mouth only to close it, not sure how to respond.
‘I’ll see you tomorrow, Nick.’
Nickolas is thankful Finn said goodbye first, not sure if he would be able to piece a sentence together that would allow him to casually leave.
‘Yeah, ah…’ He coughs. ‘See you tomorrow, Finn.’
He walks back out, closing Finn’s door and making a dash to the locker rooms to grab his belongings. His cheeks are warm and he wouldn’t be surprised if they are the same shade as his uniform. Waving goodbye to everyone as he makes his way to the front, his brain working on autopilot after Finn’s words have caused a short circuit.
In his car heading back home, Nickolas plays every conversation in his mind. He analyses every touch, every look, every smile. Surely he isn’t imagining things, is he? The way Finn looked at him today, the soft words of kindness before he left. Maybe Finn is beginning to see Nickolas as something more. It’s a hopeful thought and it scares Nickolas more than if it were true. Hope has never been kind to Nickolas. It’s always something he has desperately held on to only to be pulled away from it and knocked down even further.
Maybe Finn is projecting, thinking that he feels something because of what Nickolas said after the session with Dr Hale. Nickolas curses and grips the steering wheel tight. The best thing to do is act as though he never said those words to Finn. If he admits to himself that Finn is in fact more than just a patient to him, then he would also have to deal with the disappointment that would arise if Finn didn’t reciprocate those feelings. But if Finn does feel the same, then he’s stuck between wanting to be with him and having to be professional. A balance that would be impossible to maintain.
There is a reason doctors and surgeons are not allowed to treat family members. It’s because their feelings cloud their judgment. Nickolas is no doctor and just because he has stitched himself up once or twice back when he was a kid, doesn’t make him a surgeon either. But he knows a thing or two about feelings getting in the way of rationality. How one’s judgment can blur, causing people to get hurt because of it. He could never forgive himself if something happened to Finn because he let his feelings get in the way of his treatment.
He parks his car in the empty car space behind his apartment. He exhales, turns the engine off and sits there for a minute or two, his palms pressed into his eyes. The logical side of his brain battles with his emotional side, causing Nickolas to think of the one person he wishes he could talk to about what’s going on. And as that person comes into his mind, everything else stops, and tears fall from his eyes.
6. SUNDAY
Sweat drips down Nickolas’s back. His tank top sticks to his skin and at this point, he wonders why he is even bothering with wearing it.
One-one-four.
Jab-jab-hook.
Right foot forward, a slight bend at the knees, Nickolas hunches into himself as he covers his face with his fists.
One-one-four.
Jab-jab-hook.
Music is blaring in his ears. A playlist he made to keep the blood flowing, the anger present, and the adrenalin pumping.
I got a song filled with shit for the strong-willed
When the world gives you a raw deal
Sets you off ‘til you scream, ‘Piss off! Screw you!’
When it talks to you like you don’t belong
Or tells you you’re in the wrong field
When something’s in your mitochondrial
‘Cause it latched on to you, like—
Eminem’s song ‘Venom’ always helps him stop thinking, preventing him from getting stuck in his head with his self-destructive thoughts. His fists hitting the leather is the only thing he wants to be able to feel as his skin burns from the pounding he’s been giving this bag for the last thirty minutes. He woke up earlier than he would have liked after working a double, his mind racing as if he’d snorted a line of coke. He was restless. The pent-up energy inside him needed to be released. He used to subdue the itch by going off to collect debts for his father, allowing his fists to get dirty in the process. But that isn’t him anymore.
There was only one place that was going to help this pent-up energy rushing through him. He changed his clothes, packed a bag, and made his way to the hole-in-the-wall gym not far from his apartment. The equipment is basic, the lighting is dim, and all Nickolas needs is the few weights they offer and the punching bag being held together with duct tape that is hanging from the roof to keep him satisfied.
One-one-four.
Jab-jab-hook.
Venom, (I got that) adrenaline momentum
And I’m not knowin’ when I’m
Ever gonna slow up and I’m
Ready to snap any moment I’m
Thinkin’ it’s time to go get ’em
They ain’t gonna know what hit ’em
With each punch, he tries to push everything out of his body. All the noise that’s keeping him awake.
South Side trash – punch.
Abusive father – punch.
Homophobic colleague – punch.
The need to protect Finn – punch.
Rapist pigs of this fucked up world – punch, punch, punch.
He finally stops. He wraps his arms around the bag, hugging it tightly as he tries to take in enough air to stop the burning in his lungs. He squeezes his eyes shut, fighting back the memories that are trying to break free from the cage he’s locked them away in. It isn’t enough. His body is aching. He can barely move his arms. But everything is still so loud.
‘Hey man, you done yet or what?’ a voice breaks through the music in Nickolas’s headphones.
He rests his forehead against the bag. His heart rate is finally starting to come back down.
‘Yo, if you’re lonely, rent a whore. Some of us want to use the bag to work out,’ the same voice adds.
Nickolas turns around. ‘What the fuck you say to me?’ Some blonde hair wannabe punk that’s got a foot on him in height, but no muscle, is staring back at him. One punch and Nickolas knows he could take him down.
‘What, you deaf now too?’ The blonde puffs out his chest, thinking it will intimidate Nickolas.
‘Bitch, does it look like I’m fuckin’ done? No. So why don’t you walk over and lift something that has a number higher than your IQ and when I walk away, then you’ll know I’m fucking done.’
Whether it’s the way Nickolas’s eyebrows shoot up, the way his chest puffs out, or his knuckle tattoos, it seemed to be enough for the blonde to take Nickolas’s advice and make his way over to the other side of the gym. Either way, Nickolas was done with the bag, he just didn’t want to give that smug arsehole the satisfaction of thinking he had moved Nickolas along with his tough-guy attitude.
Nickolas picks his bag up from the corner of the room, takes out the small towel and soaks up the sweat dripping from his hair, down his face, and around his neck. The songs on his playlist have come to an end. He removes his knock-off AirPods and reaches for his water bottle. He takes a few mouthfuls before throwing his bottle back into his bag. He peels his tank top off his body and reaches down to grab the spare shirt he brought with him to change into.
‘Nice ink,’ a deep voice comments.
Nickolas tenses. He turns around to see who’s talking to him, quickly pulling the shirt over his chest as his eyes land on some juice head that no doubt wouldn’t have a dick anymore after being on steroids for so long. He decides to ignore his comment and continues to pack up his shit.
‘Any meaning behind them?’ the juice head continues.
‘If there was, probably would be something personal, right? So why would I go telling a stranger about them?’ Nickolas bites back.
‘Okay. So how ’bout I buy you a drink and that way I’m no longer a stranger.’
He thumbs his bottom lip and checks the guy out.
A smirk appears on the guy’s face.
He’s tempted, hell he’s more than tempted. He’s ready to say fuck the drink and just go straight to the fucking. But as his mind takes him to that place, reminding him of the sweet build-up this body craves as his prostate gets pounded, giving him a release that sets his body on fire, it all gets quickly replaced by the spark his body felt from the simple touch of Finn’s fingers. The way his body quivered and his spine tingled as they held hands. His body begins to remember how alive he felt just from feeling Finn’s pulse under his fingertips and it hits him that those moments made him feel more alive than any orgasm ever has.
‘Thanks, but no thanks,’ says Nickolas.
‘Shame. Would have been fun.’
The juice head gives Nickolas a wink and walks back to a corner where he begins to jump rope. Nickolas makes a dash for his car before anyone else decides they can try and have a conversation with him. He unlocks the door, gets behind the wheel, and throws his bag onto the passenger seat. He is fucked. Honest to God fucked and not in the way he could have been had he said yes to that guy. Finn has dug his way under Nickolas’s skin and no matter what he does he can’t shake him. Everything comes back to Finn.
His dreams are flooded with silky red locks and eyes the shade of green after a storm has cleared and the sun is breaking through the clouds to shine upon the water. He dreams of playing connect the dots with freckles that litter pale skin and although he never actually sees a face, when he wakes up, he knows all of it is pointing him to one person: Finn. While he ate his cereal that morning, a rerun of Annie was playing on the TV as a Sunday morning special for all the kids at home. Nickolas couldn’t change the channel quick enough as he saw the fiery redhead talking back to the owner of the orphanage. Once his eyes were focused on a random documentary about sharks after he’d changed the channel, Nickolas couldn’t help but think of the fire in Finn’s heart, similar to that in little Miss Annie. It was at that point he decided he needed to get out of the house and punch something to distract himself.
Getting back home from the gym, he glances at his watch as he makes his way around the front of his apartment building. Nickolas still has two hours to kill before he’s due at work and no fucking clue what to do. In the meantime, he makes his way into his apartment and heads straight for the shower. Socks doesn’t even look up from her spot on the windowsill, too busy basking in the rays of sunshine to say hello to her owner.
Resting his phone on the bathroom countertop, Nickolas figures if he plays some music then there’d be less of a chance that his mind would wander to places it shouldn’t while his body is wet and naked. He puts his music on shuffle, turns the water on, and sets the temperature more on the colder side. He hisses as water falls onto his body. The cool water mixes with his body heat, making him shudder as his body temperature adjusts and possibly begins to go into shock.
For the first few minutes, Nickolas just stands under the showerhead, closing his eyes and feeling the water run down his body. Finally, his brain is quiet. He rolls his neck, hoping it will loosen the kinks and for the first time in a long time, he feels relaxed.
‘Reow.’
Nickolas jumps as an orange blur lands on the shower curtain, legs stretched out like a starfish.
‘For fuck’s sake.’ His hands are curled into fists and held up in front of his body, automatically in fight mode from the sudden fright.
‘Meow.’
Nickolas pulls the curtain to the side so he can poke his head out, water dripping onto the tiles as he tilts his head towards Socks who seems to be enjoying the climb up his shower curtain.
‘Glad to see you’re enjoying yourself. You going to pay for the new curtain or shall I just enjoy these claw marks as a new decor?’
He pulls the curtain shut again and decides he should just finish cleaning himself and get out. Socks is meowing again but he can no longer see a shadow hanging beside him. Looking up, he’s surprised to find her balancing on the curtain rod, looking down at Nickolas as the water falls onto his face.
‘If you jump, you get wet. And we all know how well that turned out last time.’
He chuckles at the memory as he rinses the soap off his body. He turns the water off and is thankful she decided to just watch him from above.
Grabbing the towel, he dries himself and then wraps it around his waist, stepping out and making his way towards the mirror. He swipes away the condensation, his reflection now looking back at him. The music is suddenly muffled. Curious as to why, he looks down at his phone and laughs at Socks who has decided to jump down and sit on his phone so she could be beside him on the countertop.
