Be My Saving Grace, page 32
‘… Thank you…’
Nickolas shuffles on the spot a little. ‘Well, if you need anything, I’m here.’
‘I know.’ Ethan gives a polite smile and goes back to reading his book.
Finn’s room is Nickolas’s final stop. A warm smile greets him, compared to the sombre look Finn had earlier today.
Finn takes his meds with no complaint.
‘Your tremors have eased up,’ Nickolas points out.
‘Finally.’ Finn sighs.
‘Everything else okay?’
‘I think so. I can sleep, eat, jerk off.’
Nickolas blushes.
Finn throws a cocky smile Nickolas’s way.
Nickolas coughs, thinking of Dot in a bikini to get his brain to stop sending blood to his dick. ‘Did you, did you talk about the nightmare in your session today?’
Finn cocks his head, then nods. ‘Dr Hale believes it was due to the deep discussion we had in group that day. My mind was open to the past, causing me to feel vulnerable, ashamed, perhaps even scared of it happening again. I think it was more the shock of what happened after the nightmare than the nightmare itself that set me off. I was trying to remind myself where I was, that I wasn’t in that room, with him; and then, to have Brett storm in and force me into restraints, just like that night… well, Dr Hale was extremely apologetic for what happened but was pleased to see I was able to bounce back from it quicker than she thought I would.’
‘Of course you would. You’re a fighter.’
‘Maybe. But I also had you by my side all night. And when I woke up, I felt safe. Calm.’
Nickolas sits on the end of Finn’s bed, mindful of the time. He takes a deep breath. ‘There’s something I need to tell you.’
Finn’s head shoots up, giving Nickolas his full attention. ‘Every time someone starts a sentence like that, it’s never good news.’
Nickolas shuffles, nervous. ‘I went to a club last night. Before I got called here, I, ah, I went out to drink because I didn’t want to be alone at home with my thoughts.’
Finn’s face shifts from panic to concern.
‘Anyway, there were these guys.’
Finn’s face drops. He knows what Finn must be thinking.
‘One of them, he was bragging about this guy he had… fucked. Mostly talking out of his arse, but something about it caught my attention. He, ah…’ Nickolas bites his lip. ‘He started to show some photos on his phone, to prove his story to his friends, and that’s when I saw… that’s when I saw pictures of… of you.’
Finn’s face goes from confusion to realisation to something that looks like fear and sickness rolled into one. ‘Photos… o-of me.’
‘From that night.’ That’s all Nickolas has to say for Finn to understand. ‘I confronted the guy and he may have left with a bloody nose, some bruised ribs along with no ID or phone. But I couldn’t just let him get away with what he did, Finn.’ Nickolas rests his hand on top of Finn’s, giving it a gentle squeeze.
‘My saving grace,’ Finn whispers the words, a single tear rolling down the side of his face.
Nickolas gives him a soft smile. ‘If, if you want, you can report him. His phone has the evidence, his ID has his name and address. This fucker deserves more than the beatdown I gave him.’
Whether Finn says he will file a report today, tomorrow, or in a week’s time, those photos are enough to charge the arsehole with rape and assault.
‘Did you see them all? The photos?’ Finn’s voice is soft.
‘Yeah.’ He gives Finn’s hand another squeeze, letting him know that what he saw doesn’t change the way he feels about him.
‘What did you see?’
‘It doesn’t matter. That’s not what’s important.’
‘It is to me.’ Finn’s voice has dominance back in it.
‘Finn.’
‘Tell me. I need – I need to know.’
Nickolas takes a breath and relays to Finn the montage of photos. He left out no details, being completely honest because that’s what he’d want Finn to do for him if he asked.
‘Fuck.’ Finn removes his hand from Nickolas’s, runs his hands through his hair and looks down, tears falling from his face. ‘I can’t believe you saw me like that.’ Finn holds his head in his hands.
‘Don’t. Don’t do that. When I look at you now, I don’t see what I saw in those photos. I never have.’
‘I… I need to get tested. You said you saw…’
‘We can do that. I can organise Lexi to give you a blood test.’
Finn nods. He takes deep breaths in and out before making eye contact with Nickolas. ‘What do you think would happen? If I report him?’ Finn’s eyes are red and puffy.
‘If he’s found guilty, he’d get locked up for up to thirty years. They’d have to prove it, though. Not just with the photos but with video surveillance footage from the clubs, maybe some witnesses. But I don’t think that should stop you from at least trying. Run his name through the mud so he’s put on the sex offenders list. Let everyone else out there know what this fucker has done to make sure it never happens to anyone else again, ya know.’
Finn nods. ‘I’ll think about it.’
‘There’s no rush, Finn.’ Nickolas goes to stand. ‘I should probably head back.’
Finn reaches out and grabs his wrist. ‘Wait.’ Finn doesn’t let go of Nickolas’s wrist. ‘Before you go, can you tell me why you went out? What thoughts you were running away from?’ That look of fear is back on Finn’s face.
‘If you’re thinking it had to do with you, then stop.’ Nickolas smiles at him.
Finn’s face relaxes.
‘I was trying to read Mandy’s journal. But I couldn’t. And being in the house with it sitting there, taunting me. I just had to get out.’
‘I can help.’
Nickolas cocks his head.
‘I can help with reading her journal. If you want. I can either, read it for you, or to you. I can read it and tell you what it says or, even just sit here with you while you read it, just in case.’
Nickolas bites his bottom lip.
‘Think about it. I’m just saying that I’m here for you too. And if, if it’s something you can’t do alone, just know that you don’t have to be.’
Nickolas changes the subject. ‘Are you going to be okay? For me to leave, I mean.’
‘I should be. You’re here all night so, I have that to comfort me.’
‘I know what I told you is a lot, and I hate that I added more on top of everything after what happened yesterday, but I couldn’t keep it from—’
‘Thank you. Thank you for telling me… for doing what you did. You could have gotten arrested and yet you still went after him.’
‘I may not be able to erase what happened, but I’d sure like to help you move forward from it… same way you’re helping me.’ Finn lets go of his wrist. ‘Oh, one last thing. Jessica wanted me to tell you that she misses you and that she loves you.’ Nickolas’s heart flutters as the L-word leaves his lips.
Finn smiles.
Nickolas pushes the med cart back towards the reception desk. He’s in a world of his own as he walks into the break room, thinking about what Finn said. Maybe having Finn beside him while he reads Mandy’s journal might not be such a bad idea.
He takes a can of coke out of the fridge and microwaves his food. He stands in silence, watching the numbers count down, lost in his own thoughts. Once he is sitting at the table with his drink and food, Lydia decides to speak.
‘What happened?’
Nickolas takes a bite of his food to buy himself some time. ‘Brett got fired. I got a warning. One more and I’m out.’ He keeps his eyes down. An email will be going out to the staff tonight so everyone will be aware of the situation. They’ll be short staffed for a while, but as of right now, none of that is Nickolas’s concern.
‘That’s, that’s amazing. Right?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Then why are you acting like someone just told you to pack your bags?’
‘Because that fucker got away with so much before someone actually pulled him up on it.’ Nickolas drops his fork, the metal making a clanking sound against his plate. ‘These patients come here for help. They come here to get away from the people who mistreat them. The people who try to take advantage of them because they don’t understand their disorder, or worse, people who do understand and think they can get away with abusing them because they are different.’ Nickolas clenches his teeth. ‘They…they trust us to help them, and yet Brett got away with betraying them. He said terrible things, he… he did things, and it would have kept happening if it weren’t for…’ He exhales.
‘If it weren’t for you worrying about Finn.’ Lydia finishes Nickolas’s sentence. ‘You think this would have kept happening if Finn hadn’t been hurt.’ Lydia’s voice drips with sadness.
‘If Brett had done that to any other patient, you never would have called me. I never would have beat the shit out of him and all those patients that were being hurt or mistreated never would have come forward. Ethan… God, Ethan would still be living in fear every time Brett was working.’
‘Not true. If I witnessed Brett go against a treatment plan for any of these patients, I would have called someone. Maybe not you, but someone who could have helped with the situation.’
Nickolas ignores Lydia’s words, too busy feeling the rage build inside of him.
‘Nickolas.’
‘I’m angry, okay? I’m angry because it happened. I’m angry because he got away with it for so long and I’m angry that it took someone I care about getting hurt to make me step up and actually do something about it.’
‘Hey. It wasn’t just you that prick was fooling. It was all of us. So, you’re not the only one allowed to carry all the guilt. Not this time.’
‘But why now? Why didn’t I report him when he called Ethan “Jekyll and Hyde”? Or every time he made some “fag” comment towards Darren, or myself?’
‘Because you love him.’
Nickolas’s eyes shoot up, looking like a deer’s been caught in headlights.
‘You took the jokes and the hate because you could handle it. And when you couldn’t handle it, part of you thought you deserved it. But once you saw Brett go after someone you care about, someone you love… There is no stopping someone when they want to protect the person they love.’
Nickolas looks down, pulling a loose thread from his top. Is that what he feels when he is with Finn? When he thinks about him and his chest tightens and a smile forms on his face. The only person he has ever loved is Mandy, but love between family is different from love between two people, two strangers. Can he still call Finn a stranger? It’s been just over a week, but Finn knows more about him than the people he has worked with for over a year. Finn knows more than any person Nickolas has fucked and any family member that wasn’t his baby sister. Whether it had been two minutes, two days, two weeks, or months. He just knew. He knew Finn was important to him. Sometimes it just takes longer for the head to catch up to the heart.
‘You going to tell him?’
‘What? No! I can’t. I don’t even – what if—’
‘Nickolas. You’d have to be blind to think Finn doesn’t feel the same way. I was with you both for five minutes and what I saw was deeper than anything I’ve experienced in my life.’
Nickolas sighs. ‘What if it’s just this place?’
Lydia tilts her head.
‘What if, once he leaves, he realises it wasn’t me he liked, just my company.’
‘Love comes with risks. The fear of finding out if the other person actually loves you is one of the hardest parts. But it’s also the most rewarding.’
Nickolas shakes his head. ‘I can’t. Not… not while he’s here. The last twenty-four hours have been a lot for him. Throwing this at him, it wouldn’t be fair.’
‘And that right there shows just how selfless you are. Putting his needs before your own.’
Nickolas scoffs. He goes back to eating, the food now cold, and his stomach no longer hungry, but he needs to eat. He downs his coke, belching from the fizz, and takes his plate to the sink.
‘I’ll do first check,’ says Nickolas.
Lydia smirks. ‘Say hi to Finn for me.’
‘That’s not… whatever.’ Nickolas huffs out of the room.
A few of the patients are still awake, lying in bed, looking up at the ceiling or outside their window. Nothing too alarming so Nickolas lets them be. When he gets to Finn’s door, he stops. Finn is fast asleep, turned towards the door so Nickolas can see the softness on his face as he lays on his pillow, his blanket pulled up to his chin. He decides he’ll grab the iPod in the morning before leaving so he doesn’t disturb Finn from his sleep, pleased to see him finally resting.
As he makes his way back towards the break room, Lydia’s words play over in his head. He isn’t ready to label this feeling he has for Finn. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s too scared or if it’s because he has nothing to compare it to, but he does find himself wondering if this feeling is what other people feel when they love someone.
What he does know is he has spent his whole life running. Running from who he is, who he was, and who his father wanted him to be. He has been running from the pain, the guilt, the regret. There are billions of people in this world and yet here he is, just doing his job and all it took was one… just one person to come into his life and make him want to stop running.
12. SATURDAY
Nickolas barely makes it to his bedroom before he falls face first onto his mattress. Finn was still sleeping when it was time for him to leave and Nickolas didn’t have the heart to wake him. He was able to sneak in and take the iPod so he could charge it for him and lay a soft kiss on Finn’s forehead before walking back out. He worked throughout the night, unable to take a nap due to the endless amount of paperwork he was required to fill out regarding the incident with Brett.
Before he knew it, Darren, Hayley, and Sky were walking in, talking way too enthusiastically considering how early it was. Yawning, struggling to stay awake, Nickolas grabbed his bag from his locker, said goodbye to everyone and he walked towards his car with Lydia and Sam, all of them ready to sleep.
His eyes are closing, sleep taking over his body, when suddenly a pair of paws land on his back, startling him awake. Socks meows, loudly. Groaning, Nickolas rolls just enough for Socks to jump off his back, and he gets up.
He refills the water bowl for Socks, gives her some food, and then plugs Finn’s iPod into the charger. He jumps into the shower and enjoys the hot water trickling down his body. When he gets out, he slips into a pair of boxers, puts on a load of washing, and then heads to bed. He crawls under the blanket, Socks curling up beside him, and falls asleep the second his head hits the pillow.
*
His bladder feels like it’s about to explode. Nickolas isn’t even sure if he has the ability to stand and walk towards the bathroom or if he should just piss the bed and deal with the clean-up. Once he wakes up enough for his common sense to kick in, he makes his way towards the bathroom, sighing in relief as his stream hits the water in the toilet bowl. He throws his washing in the dryer and then heads into the kitchen for a glass of water. His eyes catch the time on the microwave, and he figures he could still get a few more hours of sleep that his body desperately needs to catch up on. He heads back to bed, only needing a few minutes before he’s softly snoring again.
Around 5 p.m., Nickolas stretches in bed, his body feeling refreshed and ready for the night ahead. It’s been a while since he’s been able to get eight hours of sleep, but his body is thankful for it. He shuffles into the kitchen, making some fresh coffee and cooks some eggs. Nickolas sits down to eat, turning the TV on in the background. The evening news is discussing some shooting. The reporter moves on to a robbery, and by the time Nickolas is finished eating she’s mentioning a murder that took place in the North. Her stories have one thing in common, they are all surrounding those in privileged areas. ‘Typical,’ Nickolas chides. Almost all the kids in the South Side are being abused, where is that story? What about the night a gay kid got put in the hospital due to Nickolas’s father’s instructions? That never made the news. A gun goes off every hour like clockwork in the South Side, not a word about it gets mentioned. Those are the stories they need to report on because those are the issues that will make a difference if the right people step up and help. As the weather report comes on, his eyes land on the box with Mandy’s belongings in. Nickolas drops his fork, leans back in his chair, and just looks at it. He doesn’t know what he was expecting. Perhaps the constant staring would cause it to vanish into thin air. Maybe the lid would miraculously spring off, Mandy’s journal landing open in front of him, so he has no choice but to keep looking through it. Socks meows at him, breaking Nickolas out of his thoughts. He pushes back his chair, the legs screeching against his floorboards and makes his way back into the kitchen to clean up and pack himself some food for dinner.
The beep of the dryer goes off. Nickolas folds his clothes, ninety percent of them being purple uniforms while the rest is his boxers. He puts them away, but packs one set in his backpack, and sets out to brush his teeth and do his hair. By the time he’s ready to leave, Nickolas puts the iPod and food into his backpack before heading towards the door. With his hand on the doorknob, he stops. If he overthinks it, he’ll talk himself out of it. He’ll be late for work if he waits any longer, so Nickolas turns around, pushes the lid off the cardboard box, takes Mandy’s journal, shoves it into his backpack and storms out towards his car, feeling as though he’s carrying bricks inside his bag.
*
Dot and Jasmine are chatting at the front desk, too busy looking at paperwork to see Nickolas walking towards them.
‘Honestly, I don’t even know where to begin,’ says Dot.
