A Dance of Mist and Fury, page 57
“Kiss me?”
His face softened again, sighing. After his first step, I shrank into myself, putting all my courage to be more specific.
“A real kiss.”
He quirked a brow. “The others were not?”
It was a weird way of putting things, but I’d already said them. “I meant—not...” I lost how to explain as soon as I got the first word out.
Not that I needed to say more. His thumb and fingers held up my chin for him, and he leaned in to kiss my lips. A gentle parting of mine into his, enough only to taste. My face heated up, and my eyes lulled closed. It was brief, but I found myself happier with it.
He led on with me in tow.
On the other side of the wisteria bridge, he stopped, and looked at me expectantly.
“What?” I said.
“Are you going to ask for another kiss?”
My eyes went wide. “Lord Kwan!”
“Lady Hisa.”
I quieted. The only person to call me lady was Uno, and I felt a discomfort with it. Shying, I whispered. “Don’t call me that...”
He tilted his head. “If you do marry a Juneun, you would be a lady.”
Brow bent, I reminded him. “I did say I’ll only marry for love. And I don’t think any spirit, especially a noble, will want me for a wife. Not one that could genuinely love me.”
“What makes you think that?”
“I hear how they talk about me,” I confessed. “And they’re right. But it’s the one thing I swore not to yield on.”
He observed me only a moment more, relenting and resuming our trek.
In the evening, I dawned the dress especially made for the dances, and tried to push out the memory of the last time I wore it. I’d even taken a little longer, just to wait out Syaoran. Looking over, I sighed at the other dresses. Juro refused to take them back. At the same time, it felt too odd to wear them. Though, it was better expected.
Outside the room, I nearly leapt out of my skin. Syaoran was waiting for me.
“Are you ready to go?” asked Syaoran with a smile.
“I thought you already left,” I said, a hand over my chest to still my racing heart.
His fox ears twitched. “It’d look weird if I left you behind. We’re supposed to be a couple now.”
I flashed a pathetic look. “But Lord Kwan and Lord Genji already know that’s not true.”
“Lord Juro doesn’t.”
I’d forgotten. It did make things awkward, but Syaoran kept steadfast for my sake. The least I could do was try not to appear uncomfortable walking out to the dances with him.
“I’ll take the first dance with you,” said Syaoran, already planning. “And two more somewhere down the line, so it looks like I’m favoring you.”
I whispered my thanks, and he lifted some restraint on his essence. It was already difficult enough to keep track of all the rules and customs I’d barely heard about this past winter, never mind adding a ploy to keep Juro away in polite society. For that, I was glad to have Syaoran looking out for me.
It was a long walk, with plenty of gaps between anyone being around, and leaving Syaoran to pester me about confessing my feelings. Not that it mattered. I explained to him that Lord Kwan thought about holding a wedding under the wisteria tree. Since his affection for me was in friendship, what good did it do to try and compete with a Juneun lady? It was already selfish of me to still expect a kiss from Lord Kwan whenever I wanted, but I kept that from Syaoran.
We watched a few dances first, waiting until one I knew the steps to came up. In various parts of the spectators, and among the dancers, I spotted Lord Kwan’s brothers, and clung to Syaoran.
“They won’t take so much liberty,” whispered Syaoran. “Not in Lord Genji’s home. But it’s still best not to find yourself alone with any of them. If you do, say that Genji himself summoned you and you can’t make him wait.”
I nodded, committing that small lie to memory and praying I wouldn’t need to use it. “Did it take you a long to learn all this?”
Syaoran chuckled. “Years.”
It brought comfort, though I still fidgeted.
When finally we danced, I was far from elegant, but I hadn’t missed more than two steps, which Syaoran made up for. Other dances went on, with Syaoran staying beside me until he felt adequate time had passed. Juro, on noticing we were there, danced with a different girl at every turn, becoming more prominent in his gestures when Syaoran and I joined, and again when Syaoran took another girl for a dance.
“Kwan’s human, Hisa,” called Towa, catching my attention. I gave a polite bow at her approach. “I told you we had similar names. Did you think I’d forget?”
“Not at all, Lady Towa,” I said. It was a lie, since I didn’t expect anyone new to know my name. Even Lord Kwan’s brothers still referred to me as Kwan’s human.
“Who was the man you were dancing with?”
“Syaoran? He’s...”
“A fox? Must be Kwan’s other attendant.”
I returned my watch, saying nothing.
“He’s handsome,” said Towa. “Are the two of you close?”
I shied, starting to fidget. “Yes.”
A pause ensued before her reply. “Good for you. Kurai or not, he’s nice to look at, and he has the favor of someone from a powerful family. A servant girl could do worse.”
Renewed discomfort washed over me.
Another dance passed. And another. Towa moved on before long, socializing amongst her peers. Syaoran took measured rests, coming back to me later to ask for another dance. Before I could accept, Urekkato intercepted, using his titles to push his way in.
I refused.
“It’ll look rude,” said Urekkato. “Or are you really determined to embarrass Lord Kwan and Lord Genji both by refusing a prince and honored guest?”
I stiffened, looking to Syaoran for some cue. Brow bent, he jutted his chin for me to accept.
“I’ll take care not to tire her out and bring her back to you,” said Urekkato.
Syaoran gave a slight frown at the comment, and I made no effort to conceal my own displeasure.
“Why do you even want to dance with me?” I whispered.
“Because I know you don’t want to,” said Urekkato. “It’s fun watching you try to wiggle out of things. Doesn’t the fox think so?”
“About?”
“Watching you wiggle out of things?” He smirked, holding me closer than needed at every opportunity.
“Is that all you can do? Threaten with sex and swords?”
“When one stops being affective, the other tends to suffice,” answered Urekkato without missing a beat.
“Don’t you have better things to do than harass me?” I missed several steps in the routine. Not deliberately.
“Better is subjective.” He put his hands on my waist, lifting me higher than necessary in a pirouette, and plopped me back onto my feet in sync with the other dancers. “Or, I could tell Juro you’re not really laying with the fox.”
I paled, stumbling even more. Something which Urekkato took advantage of in keeping me against him. Wincing, my mind told me to pretend not to care. Perhaps, if I didn’t show discomfort, he’d get bored with me. That was the whole reason for what he did, having admitted as much. An easy thing to plan, and a hard thing to do.
When the dance ended, I made a polite bow, turning on my heel to leave. He caught my arm. Using all my will, I didn’t react.
“You remember the way to my room?” asked Urekkato in a low whisper. “In case you get lonely.”
I kept silent, making myself stay still.
“Oh? Hisa is considering it. Remember that it’s two floors above your own.”
“You know that I won’t,” I said, trying to sound stony. “If I were a great beauty and could have any man in the world, you wouldn’t be in my consideration.”
He laughed. While I couldn’t tell which part of it warranted his amusement, I also wished I’d said nothing at all. In my wordlessness, he released me, and I wasted no time retreating to Syaoran’s side.
We exchanged quiet glances, waiting for a dance that I knew. My hand grazed his in a silent plea, and his own gently took hold.
“He knows,” I whispered.
Syaoran’s fingers gave my own a soft squeeze, and his expression showed slight concern. A wordless understanding. Awkwardness played in when we danced again, both of us trying to hide it.
All I could think was how glad I would be to leave a place with so many people around. Since arriving, I got stares and harassment. I would be glad to leave, to work off one last year in Lord Kwan’s villa, and to go home where I wouldn’t... Except, would they stare at me? The girl who stayed with the Juneun for five years, with all the rumors about what I did there. Would I be so unwelcomed in my own village?
“Don’t let him think he got to you,” whispered Syaoran. “I’ll handle it.”
“How?” I asked, keeping our conversation quiet.
He took my hand, offering a kind smile. “I’ll think of something.”
Lord Kwan made his arrival alongside Genji, both appearing content about some unspoken matter. Maybe something to do with the conversation beneath the wisteria. My eyes started to scan the crowd, trying to think of which woman captured his heart enough for that kind of talk. Every Juneun woman was a beauty, which didn’t help me decide. I’d even spotted Feng among the masses, almost not recognizing her without her serpent tail.
I spent so much time fixated on trying to guess, I didn’t notice Lord Kwan approach.
“Are you engaged for the next dance?”
My shoulder’s jumped high at his kind voice.
“No, my lord,” answered Syaoran, giving a subtle push to my back.
Lord Kwan offered his hand, giving his full watch to me. “May I?”
Stiff, I nodded. “Except—I don’t know this one.”
He tilted his head. “The next one then.”
The music ended, the dancers stopped, a familiar rhythm picked up, and I was led away. I don’t know what possessed me, but I couldn’t keep stupid words from spilling out of my mouth.
“Wouldn’t you rather be dancing with the girl you’re in love with?”
He looked at me, brow quirked. “Who would that be?”
I blinked, unable to answer right away as the dance started and required my full attention to not trip. Falling in rhythm, I spoke. “You were gone last night. And under the wisteria, I thought... Aren’t you in love with one of the ladies here?”
His gentle smile stayed on him as a glint of amusement reflected in his eyes. “No.”
I was more confused, and found that I couldn’t form a follow up question and remember the steps at the same time. When a second dance I knew followed, I accepted Lord Kwan’s offer to continue without hesitation, smiling as I did.
My heart felt light again, unburdened in knowing he didn’t hold someone special in his own. In that dance, I’d only missed one step.
Breathless, and happy, I returned to the bystanders beside him. Syaoran was gone. When I didn’t see him in the crowds or among the next dancers, I assumed he’d gone back to the room—something I thought odd, considering he’d said to take up at least one more dance with me to appear like we were a couple. Still, it seemed the most logical reason for his absence, and a good idea.
An even better idea when Urekkato started to make his way over.
“I’m sorry, my prince, but I was about to retire for the night, with Lord Kwan’s permission.”
“You won’t grant me one more for the politeness?” insisted Urekkato in a sly tone.
“Perhaps another night, Prince Urekkato,” said Lord Kwan, picking up my discomfort. “I am tired myself and require my attendant.”
Urekkato eyed us, his gaze slowly trailing with suspicion while his expression held. “Another night.”
I bowed, as did Lord Kwan before escorting me away.
“I don’t mean to drag you away,” I whispered. “If you wanted to stay.”
“I don’t usually enjoy dancing, or watching it go on,” said Lord Kwan.
“Then...?” I trailed.
His stony expression softened a little more. “I wanted to dance with you.”
I drew my eyes back to the path ahead, my neck tucking only just into my shoulders, and my cheeks happily pinking. “With me?”
“You should know by now that I prefer your company. And I wanted to make sure you indulged in some fun, considering the rough start.”
It might’ve meant nothing more than friendship, but I let myself believe otherwise, mustering two quiet words. “Thank you.”
Chapter 62
The Way Things are Done
Syaoran skulked in late into the night. I woke to the sound of the door slide open, quiet as it was compared to so much else. Groggy, my head turned just enough for my eyes to take blurry recognition before succumbing to sleep again.
In the morning, after attending Lord Kwan as usual, and still not fully awake, I entered into mindless inquiries.
“Where were you last night?”
“Lady Towa had me away,” said Syaoran, quick and irritated.
I tidied up the vanity in the room. “Had you away? For what?”
He tensed, needing to breath in deep to calm himself. “For favors. She had my head between her thighs until she was satisfied.”
I wasn’t naïve enough to not understand, especially not after Lin explained things to me and made me more aware. Stupidly, however, my mouth continued on, confused about Syaoran’s bitter tone. “You don’t like her?”
“It’s not about liking her!” snapped Syaoran. “It’s about not being free to refuse. No, I don’t like stuffing my face in a woman’s thighs. But it’s the fact that I’m pushed to either perform the favor or be punished with some conjured lie.”
Stiff from the shock of his volume, as well as the relay, I blinked. “But, you’re a man. And she’s... it still happens?”
He scoffed. “I’m a servant. If not for being able to throw Kwan’s name behind me as a shield, I’d be brutalized beyond more than—this.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, facing him and stopping my task to show every ounce of sincerity I had. “I didn’t know that could still happen. The talks amongst the women in Lord Kwan’s house, I thought it was something that only happened to a female servant. It never occurred to me that...” my words trailed, seeing his frustration. “I’m sorry.” I now felt a guilt for having pressured him into kissing me, and my anger at his teases for it lessened by more than half.
In realizing the conversation, I shut my eyes, counting. I didn’t want anything more, anything personal, to accidentally be shown, and scolded myself for not having done it sooner.
He shook his head. “It’s fine. Men tend to keep it to themselves. How would it make us sound? A woman forced herself onto me, and everyone else will say something like how tragic, or didn’t you enjoy it? The other end is, if something is said, there’s always the chance she’ll reverse it and claimed it was us who forced themselves on her.”
It all sounded awful. To be a victim, to not be believed, teased and harassed—even punished for it. My heart weighed heavy for him. “Syaoran. If I ever... If you felt like I... With the kiss—I’m sorry.”
He forced out a chuckle. “You acted out of desperation. I can forgive that. But if you still want more of me, remember to be gentle.”
“Syaoran!” I scolded. With a huff, I reeled my temper back. “Regardless, it shouldn’t have happened to you. And I’m sorry I wasn’t beside you to deter her.”
He scoffed, giving a forced smirk. “There’s nothing you could’ve done. Whether it was Towa or Zhen or Beom, it wouldn’t make a difference if you were locked on my arm or not.”
“Beom?” I repeated. “But... he’s also a man.”
“So is Zhen. What’s your point?” said Syaoran, continuing to put away our futons.
I stared, jaw dropped.
“At least Zhen has the good enough temper to allow an escape. He prefers when his boys come willingly.”
“Beom made you...”
Syaoran stopped completely, looking at me with sorrow. “It was back when I first came into Kwan’s service. And it’s not something I like to talk about. Ever.”
That explained it more. I’d always assumed Syaoran hid when Lord Kwan’s brothers visited because they hated fox spirits. Now, the desperation of it became clearer. My own horrible memories concerning Beom resurfaced. “Why is he so hateful?” I muttered.
“Who knows,” said Syaoran. “Who cares to know?”
“Did you say anything to Lord Kwan?”
“No. I never said anything. I shouldn’t have even told you about it at all.” He looked away, shaking with rage.
“Why? When I told him about Juro trying to—”
“Because it’s humiliating, Hisa!” yelled Syaoran. “I don’t want others to know. It’ll only encourage more harassment than I get now for being a fox spirit.”
I stayed in stunned silence. Gathering myself, I went to him, trying to lay an embrace for comfort. He pushed away. Not violently, but enough to reject the gesture. I settled for placing a hand on his shoulder.
“I just don’t understand why they would do that. You’re just as much as Juneun—”
He pulled from me. “Because we’re still servants, and that’s what they do.” He stood, pacing out his frustration. “If I was titled, like Juro, it’d be significantly less, and I could openly refuse any of it.”
I did wonder why Syaoran wasn’t titled; assuming it was some complicated social rule.
“Kwan did try,” said Syaoran. “He titled Juro, and granted lands. A couple others, but... Because Gumiho was...” He rested his face on the tips of his fingers on one hand, the other holding to his hip, letting out a rushed sigh. “It’ll take a while.”
“I’m sorry,” I said, heartbroken for him. “I’m still a stupid, village, human girl. I don’t understand all these things and why they’re needlessly complicated.”
“You’re not stupid,” said Syaoran, defeat in his tone. Dropping his arms, he dragged himself back to sit beside me. “Almost from the moment we met, you treated me as though I belonged in that house, without question.”
