A Dance of Mist and Fury, page 30
“You weren’t moving when I came in. I thought you were dead.” That wasn’t entirely true, but it was the best I could come up with to tease at him.
He grumbled and laid back down.
“Have you been hiding here the entire time?”
“Not the entire time.” As soon as he’d said it, he looked as if he’d spilled some secret. “Lord Beom isn’t particularly fond of my presence. With his moods, I didn’t want to give him a reason to come after me.”
For that, I couldn’t fault him. Instead, I took a seat beside him.
“I’m sorry,” said Syaoran after a long spell of silence. “About, with Lord Juro. It was unbecoming of a Juneun to play on the emotions of others.”
I looked at him, meeting his eye and seeing the sincerity of his bent brow as he apologized. “I forgive you. Everyone else wants to push me to accept a proposal from him. But even if I did like him, I don’t think I’d be able to handle becoming a Juneun’s wife. Not with how overwhelming holding court feels.”
He sat up. “Have you entertained the idea at all?”
I shook my head, fixing my eyes to my lap. “Every time I even try to think about it, I can’t. It feels too weird.”
“Weird how?”
“I don’t know,” I said, shifting in place. “Whenever I imagined being married and having a family, it was always to an ordinary man. A human, in the village. But a Juneun is different. Humans age, grow old, and die. Spirits are immortal, aren’t they?”
“To an extent, yes. I don’t know if any of us have ever died of old age. It’s never been peaceful that long.” He moved, placing himself to sit in line with me. “There’s other benefits to accepting Juro than a comfortable life, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Some girls have a dowry. But if you don’t, you can convince your father to refuse unless there’s a high bride-price.”
“Bride-price?”
“If a man wants a woman badly enough, sometimes a family will take her dowry and institute a price for her instead. Sometimes it’s land and livestock, but usually it’s gold. Something that convinces the family that even if he’s not the sort of ally they want, he has enough wealth to help influence their political stakes and will take care of their daughter.”
“That sounds just as bad as a dowry. Does anyone marry for love when it comes to lords and spirits?”
He shrugged. “Love comes and goes if you live long enough.”
I sighed. “Thankfully they’re all leaving tomorrow.”
We sat there, letting the echo of music fill the space around us.
“Dance with me,” said Syaoran.
“Out there? In front of everyone?”
“Heaven, no. We can dance here in your room. There’s almost enough space.”
I cringed. “No thank you. People already say enough things about me.”
“There’s a lot they say about me. What does it matter?”
“I just don’t want to make more trouble for myself.”
He stood up, offering his hand. “Then what about outside? In this part of the house, away from everyone. Just the two of us outcasts?”
I eyed him, wary.
“Be a shame to forget how to dance after Feng and I went through the trouble to teach you.”
“I guess so,” I said, still not convinced but taking his hand anyway.
“Consider it your way of thanking me for loaning you my jacket.”
“It was you?”
“I don’t usually go in the kennels because it always smells of dog. Kwan’s brothers usually have a couple every time they come. But lately, everywhere smells like dog. Maybe it’s one of the guests or their personal staff, I’m not sure—either way it puts me on edge.”
“That’s why you’re hiding in my room?”
“Well, if you weren’t going to use it...” he broke into laughter, leading me out the door and off the veranda to the small yard beyond for a dance.
I stumbled more often than I got it right. Even so, I smiled the entire time.
For a little while, I was just a normal girl.
Chapter 32
Broken Things
The morning of guests departing, the entirety of Lord Kwan’s household stood to see them off with practiced farewells. Though I didn’t know them, I kept quiet and imitated the rest.
“Hisa,” Juro brought his horse close. A pretty roan mare with a black and white mane. “If there’s ever anything you want that Lord Kwan refuses to give to you, you may write me.”
Try as I might, my brow still furrowed and bent in my discomfort. “You’re very thoughtful, my lord, but I think I’ll be fine.”
“I might also send things without prompting. Is there anything of particular interest to you, Hisa?”
A thousand things. “I couldn’t ask anything.”
He laughed. I’d accidentally made his pursuit more enticing and I didn’t know how to avoid any of it. “Humor me with one request.”
I hurried to think, looking to the moon gate and the waiting doors, the line of horses awaiting their riders—that was it! I looked back, smiling and dipping my head down politely. “Only for your safe return home, my lord.”
He grumbled and sighed. “I will miss your sweet aroma. Until next time. And of course, to you as well, my friend.”
“Until next time,” said Lord Kwan.
Juro took off in a fast trot. His personal servants with him.
Urekkato called for me next, though gestured that I go to him. I looked to Lord Kwan for what to do. I’d been told to stay in line with the others until we were dismissed, and say nothing unless addressed first and to keep all answers brief.
Lord Kwan gave the slightest indication with his chin, eyes flicking from me to Urekkato for confirmation. I still hesitated, taking small steps.
The Cat Clan prince brought me close. I flinched. “Try not to end my spell so frequently. Otherwise, how will I know to send Kwan to you the next time you’re in danger?”
“You did?” I looked at him, into his cat-like eyes, astonished.
“I’ll be too busy after my wedding to look through your eyes too often anyway.”
He climbed on his horse, a gray stallion whose mane was cut, and dismissed me.
I was more confused now about him than ever before. Sometimes he was kind, sometimes he was cruel, but always he was unpredictable (except that he delighted in my discomfort). At my place among the staff, I fidgeted, and couldn’t help notice the odd glances turned in my direction.
Carriages were hauled away, all of us in unison to bid farewell, with Urekkato taking off afterwards.
Lord Kwan gestured for me to come to his side. Whatever the trouble, I genuinely didn’t know. I kept an eye on the Cat Clan lord as he showed off while he still had onlookers.
“It was Urekkato that told me about my brother’s behavior,” said Lord Kwan, low. His eyes stayed fixed on the moon gates, turning only when another lord said their goodbye to him. “Juro was on his way to get his sword. A guest killing the host’s brother, or a brother killing the host’s guest. Which one is worse?”
I said nothing. They were both a terrible thing to me.
“What did he want?”
I looked from the gates to Lord Kwan, trying to think of how to best explain it. I didn’t want him to think badly of me, agreeing to that spell. I’d done it with the best of intentions and forgetting all the possible problems it might cause. Now, my friendship with Lord Kwan was on the line, and I didn’t know if he’d understand why I would allow it in the first place. “He’s tried to get another rise from me, my lord. I’ve restrained myself from it. I don’t want to put you in another position like before.”
Another lord gave his goodbye, commenting on the deliciousness of the food, and rode off at a leisurely pace.
I stayed where I was, waiting to be dismissed.
“Good girl,” said Lord Kwan. Something that annoyed me, as though I were a pet and not a person. Glancing to him, he looked just as tired as the rest of us. That made it easier to suggest it was carelessly said and meaning to compliment, but I still felt irritated by it.
The last of the guests left, and the gates began a slow closing, ceremony in their lack of speed.
It wasn’t lost on anyone that Lord Kwan’s brothers weren’t among the lords that left. Syaoran and I exchanged glances, a shared unease in that realization. We were all dismissed, happily tidying up at our leisure and hanging the paper paned doors to let in the summer breeze.
Afterwards, I headed to my room, eager to change out of restrictive layers and into the clothes Fumei had brought me.
That same suggestion stopped me at my door. The feeling of being called back. It pulled at me, stronger than my loathing of my court dress. Only a look. But I would leave it right where it was.
On my way, I’d spotted Lord Kwan speaking with Yua, falling to her knees in a weep. He stayed in place, stone, but a somber expression seemed to want to come forward. I recalled vaguely that Urekkato said something on it, the morning I attended Lord Kwan. In either case, it wasn’t my place to go, to pry. I wanted to be of comfort, but I didn’t want to intrude on what looked like a very personal matter.
In the kennels, with no one around, I plucked out the puzzle box and peered inside. Soft warmth, like a greeting. It made me sad to think of putting it back, locked away and alone in the dark. I knew I couldn’t take it with me. It wasn’t mine. And guilt ran through me that I’d even taken it out and looked.
A crash sounded from the house.
Frantic, I couldn’t get the loose stone up to replace the puzzle box. In my panic, I shoved it under all the layers of my dress and hurried towards the sound. The last thing I wanted was to get blamed for whatever happened.
Hardly out of the kennels, Lin found me.
“There you are!”
My insides trembled.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Lord Kwan wants a word with us.”
“The crash?”
“Let someone else deal with that. Probably a tired cook and a loose grip. Now come on.”
I followed, wondering how likely Lin’s dismissal was. As we passed the kitchens, one of the men growled about having seen a trickster demon bolt out. Syaoran, however, didn’t seem convinced, waving his hand in front of his nose.
In Lord Kwan’s room, the doors remained open. Both Lin and I stood, waiting for the reason he called on us.
“Yua will be taking some time away,” said Lord Kwan at last.
Lin and I exchanged a look, fasting returning our attention.
“So, her responsibilities will be shared between the two of you.”
“My lord?” started Lin. When his eyes went to her, studying, she became stiff. “Shouldn’t the position be shared with a more permanent staff?”
He stared, his face unreadable.
“Hisa is a hard worker, but she doesn’t know—”
“She will take Yua’s place in attending whatever I need personally. You will take Yua’s place in running the household. Is that too much?”
Lin beamed, shaking her head. “I will handle it, my lord.”
He kept his watch fixed on Lin, measuring. “We may have need to hold court again next year.” He looked away, towards the open doors as unknown thoughts occupied his attention.
“Again?” asked Lin. “My lord, then, would it be...” Lin’s voice trailed, but he didn’t look at her. “If you plan to make it more regular, we need a larger staff.”
Finally, his eyes turned back to her. “That would be your domain.”
A new excitement took hold of Lin.
“Choose wisely.”
She bowed in a show of gratitude. “And, my new position entails anything else?”
For a long while he said nothing, rooting out Lin’s meaning. “Your pay will also increase. Talk to Syaoran on the matter, and plan a budget for new additions wherever they’re needed.”
“Yes, my lord,” said Lin, bowing again and looking at me to do the same.
I did, and we were dismissed.
While Lin was ecstatic about the news, I felt only dread. I hated court. I hated the suffocating layers and the unwanted advances of lords and the chide remarks of ladies. I didn’t want to do it again!
“Are you okay?”
I broke from my anxious thoughts to look at Lin. “What?”
“I’ve been talking and you haven’t answered.”
“Oh,” I said, looking out to the courtyard as we walked. “Sorry.”
“I was saying that you’ll have to get to his room to attend before breakfast. And don’t worry about any gossip. I’ll handle it for you.”
“Gossip about what?” It struck me as soon as I’d said the words. I’d be in Lord Kwan’s room more often, while he was under dressed, and likely with the doors closed.
“You covered for me. And I know nothing will happen between you two. Everyone knows that, but it doesn’t stop someone’s jealousy spreading rumors. So, I’ll put an end to anything that comes up. You can barely admit you’re a virgin without getting flustered, anything more might cause you to explode.”
That was true enough. I felt glad to have Lin on my side, a friend to stop accusations about me. She didn’t waste time with it when Syaoran tried to tease me. There was a hefty bit of paperwork to be done simply to acknowledge a promotion in rank and count coin for hiring new staff. I didn’t understand half of it, though I tried my best to keep up.
On our walk out, something kept bothering me. Between Syaoran’s tease, Lin’s pointing out my discomfort, and Urekkato’s mocking me, I couldn’t stand it.
“Lin?” I didn’t really have anyone else to ask. “What does it mean to teach a man what you like?”
She held in laughter as we walked. “Where’d you hear that? Wait... Are you actually thinking of seducing—?”
I took her arm, shaking my head furiously. “No! I’m just tired of having conversations go over my head. And if Lord Kwan does want court to be held regularly, I don’t want to be kept ignorant about these things. Especially with...” I trailed, remembering to shut my eyes and count before going on.
“That’s true. Next thing you know, a more perverted personal staff of one of the guests will try to take advantage. It’s probably not a good idea for any of us girls to be naïve. I’d probably have been better off if I knew what to expect the first time.”
“The first time?”
“I didn’t always work for Lord Kwan. My family sent me to work for a richer lord first. I was about your age, maybe a little older. That’s how he liked it, being the first to deflower a girl.”
I shuddered.
“Some men are worse than others,” said Lin, dismissive. “At least here there’s less chance of being forced into a situation. Lord Kwan doesn’t take much of an interest, and Syaoran enjoys more that a girl comes to him. The rest of them are opportunistic, don’t get me wrong, they’re just less brash about it.”
My mind went back to Sen.
“Come with me to send out this missive. We’ll go to your room after, since I should be instructing you on new duties anyway.”
I reiterated about what I already knew. Rudimentary things—the basics, as Lin put it. Though the rest was overwhelming. So many phrases to mean the same lewd thing, and description of different ways and the things before made me space out from time to time. My mind actively rejecting while also curious and trying to understand.
“Mostly,” said Lin, “men want to think they have the power to please a woman. They treat it more like a game than anything. Smiles and giggles leading up to it—are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“Your face is almost scarlet. Are you sure?”
“I’m just—I’ve never had this conversation before.”
She quirked a brow, a concerned expression growing as she decided on something. “We can stop now and pick it up again later if you want.”
I did want that. Except, to also never talk about it again. When I imagined my future life, being with a husband, it was never such a vivid imagining. Taking in a deep breath, I tried to force myself not to blush. “Let’s get it over with.”
She pursed her lips, weighing my choice against her own judgement. “There’s not a lot more to say. I mentioned about not letting them know exactly how often you’ve been with a man, since they dislike a higher count. But it might do you some good to not mention you’ve never been with one either. Some men get excited to try and be the first.”
“It sounds so strange, since they’re more bashful about having a lower count with women or that it’s their first, like you said.”
“Men are strange creatures,” said Lin with a sigh. “But there’s not much else. As far as getting him to do what you want rather than what he wants, well, you have to figure out what it is you like. Convincing him to it is the trick. I’m not sure how to do that one though.”
I was better informed, though it hardly seemed helpful. Maybe in the sense that I could better avoid things now, but as for what Urekkato alluded to, I still didn’t know. Maybe this was part of his game, to lead me to have this complicated conversation.
“Figure it out,” I muttered. But the idea caused me to shudder. I wanted it to only be with a man who I was in love with, and who loved me in return. The way it was explained sounded more manipulative than affectionate. I fidgeted. “Were you scared? The first time?”
Her expression changed, brow furrowing and jaw setting. “The first few times, I was. For a while, I didn’t know it could be my choice as well. I put up with it because I held onto a promise he made. That’d I’d be his fifth mistress.”
“Fifth?” I was shocked. When Juro tried to propose and mentioned keeping a single mistress, my body went cold. The more I learned about noble life, the less romanticized I found myself thinking about it.
“Just sleeping with a lord isn’t exactly a worthy act. But becoming a mistress means you have privileges and some sway with him. Then you can pull your family into a little bit better of a position. It’s the most we common girls can hope for.”
He grumbled and laid back down.
“Have you been hiding here the entire time?”
“Not the entire time.” As soon as he’d said it, he looked as if he’d spilled some secret. “Lord Beom isn’t particularly fond of my presence. With his moods, I didn’t want to give him a reason to come after me.”
For that, I couldn’t fault him. Instead, I took a seat beside him.
“I’m sorry,” said Syaoran after a long spell of silence. “About, with Lord Juro. It was unbecoming of a Juneun to play on the emotions of others.”
I looked at him, meeting his eye and seeing the sincerity of his bent brow as he apologized. “I forgive you. Everyone else wants to push me to accept a proposal from him. But even if I did like him, I don’t think I’d be able to handle becoming a Juneun’s wife. Not with how overwhelming holding court feels.”
He sat up. “Have you entertained the idea at all?”
I shook my head, fixing my eyes to my lap. “Every time I even try to think about it, I can’t. It feels too weird.”
“Weird how?”
“I don’t know,” I said, shifting in place. “Whenever I imagined being married and having a family, it was always to an ordinary man. A human, in the village. But a Juneun is different. Humans age, grow old, and die. Spirits are immortal, aren’t they?”
“To an extent, yes. I don’t know if any of us have ever died of old age. It’s never been peaceful that long.” He moved, placing himself to sit in line with me. “There’s other benefits to accepting Juro than a comfortable life, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“Some girls have a dowry. But if you don’t, you can convince your father to refuse unless there’s a high bride-price.”
“Bride-price?”
“If a man wants a woman badly enough, sometimes a family will take her dowry and institute a price for her instead. Sometimes it’s land and livestock, but usually it’s gold. Something that convinces the family that even if he’s not the sort of ally they want, he has enough wealth to help influence their political stakes and will take care of their daughter.”
“That sounds just as bad as a dowry. Does anyone marry for love when it comes to lords and spirits?”
He shrugged. “Love comes and goes if you live long enough.”
I sighed. “Thankfully they’re all leaving tomorrow.”
We sat there, letting the echo of music fill the space around us.
“Dance with me,” said Syaoran.
“Out there? In front of everyone?”
“Heaven, no. We can dance here in your room. There’s almost enough space.”
I cringed. “No thank you. People already say enough things about me.”
“There’s a lot they say about me. What does it matter?”
“I just don’t want to make more trouble for myself.”
He stood up, offering his hand. “Then what about outside? In this part of the house, away from everyone. Just the two of us outcasts?”
I eyed him, wary.
“Be a shame to forget how to dance after Feng and I went through the trouble to teach you.”
“I guess so,” I said, still not convinced but taking his hand anyway.
“Consider it your way of thanking me for loaning you my jacket.”
“It was you?”
“I don’t usually go in the kennels because it always smells of dog. Kwan’s brothers usually have a couple every time they come. But lately, everywhere smells like dog. Maybe it’s one of the guests or their personal staff, I’m not sure—either way it puts me on edge.”
“That’s why you’re hiding in my room?”
“Well, if you weren’t going to use it...” he broke into laughter, leading me out the door and off the veranda to the small yard beyond for a dance.
I stumbled more often than I got it right. Even so, I smiled the entire time.
For a little while, I was just a normal girl.
Chapter 32
Broken Things
The morning of guests departing, the entirety of Lord Kwan’s household stood to see them off with practiced farewells. Though I didn’t know them, I kept quiet and imitated the rest.
“Hisa,” Juro brought his horse close. A pretty roan mare with a black and white mane. “If there’s ever anything you want that Lord Kwan refuses to give to you, you may write me.”
Try as I might, my brow still furrowed and bent in my discomfort. “You’re very thoughtful, my lord, but I think I’ll be fine.”
“I might also send things without prompting. Is there anything of particular interest to you, Hisa?”
A thousand things. “I couldn’t ask anything.”
He laughed. I’d accidentally made his pursuit more enticing and I didn’t know how to avoid any of it. “Humor me with one request.”
I hurried to think, looking to the moon gate and the waiting doors, the line of horses awaiting their riders—that was it! I looked back, smiling and dipping my head down politely. “Only for your safe return home, my lord.”
He grumbled and sighed. “I will miss your sweet aroma. Until next time. And of course, to you as well, my friend.”
“Until next time,” said Lord Kwan.
Juro took off in a fast trot. His personal servants with him.
Urekkato called for me next, though gestured that I go to him. I looked to Lord Kwan for what to do. I’d been told to stay in line with the others until we were dismissed, and say nothing unless addressed first and to keep all answers brief.
Lord Kwan gave the slightest indication with his chin, eyes flicking from me to Urekkato for confirmation. I still hesitated, taking small steps.
The Cat Clan prince brought me close. I flinched. “Try not to end my spell so frequently. Otherwise, how will I know to send Kwan to you the next time you’re in danger?”
“You did?” I looked at him, into his cat-like eyes, astonished.
“I’ll be too busy after my wedding to look through your eyes too often anyway.”
He climbed on his horse, a gray stallion whose mane was cut, and dismissed me.
I was more confused now about him than ever before. Sometimes he was kind, sometimes he was cruel, but always he was unpredictable (except that he delighted in my discomfort). At my place among the staff, I fidgeted, and couldn’t help notice the odd glances turned in my direction.
Carriages were hauled away, all of us in unison to bid farewell, with Urekkato taking off afterwards.
Lord Kwan gestured for me to come to his side. Whatever the trouble, I genuinely didn’t know. I kept an eye on the Cat Clan lord as he showed off while he still had onlookers.
“It was Urekkato that told me about my brother’s behavior,” said Lord Kwan, low. His eyes stayed fixed on the moon gates, turning only when another lord said their goodbye to him. “Juro was on his way to get his sword. A guest killing the host’s brother, or a brother killing the host’s guest. Which one is worse?”
I said nothing. They were both a terrible thing to me.
“What did he want?”
I looked from the gates to Lord Kwan, trying to think of how to best explain it. I didn’t want him to think badly of me, agreeing to that spell. I’d done it with the best of intentions and forgetting all the possible problems it might cause. Now, my friendship with Lord Kwan was on the line, and I didn’t know if he’d understand why I would allow it in the first place. “He’s tried to get another rise from me, my lord. I’ve restrained myself from it. I don’t want to put you in another position like before.”
Another lord gave his goodbye, commenting on the deliciousness of the food, and rode off at a leisurely pace.
I stayed where I was, waiting to be dismissed.
“Good girl,” said Lord Kwan. Something that annoyed me, as though I were a pet and not a person. Glancing to him, he looked just as tired as the rest of us. That made it easier to suggest it was carelessly said and meaning to compliment, but I still felt irritated by it.
The last of the guests left, and the gates began a slow closing, ceremony in their lack of speed.
It wasn’t lost on anyone that Lord Kwan’s brothers weren’t among the lords that left. Syaoran and I exchanged glances, a shared unease in that realization. We were all dismissed, happily tidying up at our leisure and hanging the paper paned doors to let in the summer breeze.
Afterwards, I headed to my room, eager to change out of restrictive layers and into the clothes Fumei had brought me.
That same suggestion stopped me at my door. The feeling of being called back. It pulled at me, stronger than my loathing of my court dress. Only a look. But I would leave it right where it was.
On my way, I’d spotted Lord Kwan speaking with Yua, falling to her knees in a weep. He stayed in place, stone, but a somber expression seemed to want to come forward. I recalled vaguely that Urekkato said something on it, the morning I attended Lord Kwan. In either case, it wasn’t my place to go, to pry. I wanted to be of comfort, but I didn’t want to intrude on what looked like a very personal matter.
In the kennels, with no one around, I plucked out the puzzle box and peered inside. Soft warmth, like a greeting. It made me sad to think of putting it back, locked away and alone in the dark. I knew I couldn’t take it with me. It wasn’t mine. And guilt ran through me that I’d even taken it out and looked.
A crash sounded from the house.
Frantic, I couldn’t get the loose stone up to replace the puzzle box. In my panic, I shoved it under all the layers of my dress and hurried towards the sound. The last thing I wanted was to get blamed for whatever happened.
Hardly out of the kennels, Lin found me.
“There you are!”
My insides trembled.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Lord Kwan wants a word with us.”
“The crash?”
“Let someone else deal with that. Probably a tired cook and a loose grip. Now come on.”
I followed, wondering how likely Lin’s dismissal was. As we passed the kitchens, one of the men growled about having seen a trickster demon bolt out. Syaoran, however, didn’t seem convinced, waving his hand in front of his nose.
In Lord Kwan’s room, the doors remained open. Both Lin and I stood, waiting for the reason he called on us.
“Yua will be taking some time away,” said Lord Kwan at last.
Lin and I exchanged a look, fasting returning our attention.
“So, her responsibilities will be shared between the two of you.”
“My lord?” started Lin. When his eyes went to her, studying, she became stiff. “Shouldn’t the position be shared with a more permanent staff?”
He stared, his face unreadable.
“Hisa is a hard worker, but she doesn’t know—”
“She will take Yua’s place in attending whatever I need personally. You will take Yua’s place in running the household. Is that too much?”
Lin beamed, shaking her head. “I will handle it, my lord.”
He kept his watch fixed on Lin, measuring. “We may have need to hold court again next year.” He looked away, towards the open doors as unknown thoughts occupied his attention.
“Again?” asked Lin. “My lord, then, would it be...” Lin’s voice trailed, but he didn’t look at her. “If you plan to make it more regular, we need a larger staff.”
Finally, his eyes turned back to her. “That would be your domain.”
A new excitement took hold of Lin.
“Choose wisely.”
She bowed in a show of gratitude. “And, my new position entails anything else?”
For a long while he said nothing, rooting out Lin’s meaning. “Your pay will also increase. Talk to Syaoran on the matter, and plan a budget for new additions wherever they’re needed.”
“Yes, my lord,” said Lin, bowing again and looking at me to do the same.
I did, and we were dismissed.
While Lin was ecstatic about the news, I felt only dread. I hated court. I hated the suffocating layers and the unwanted advances of lords and the chide remarks of ladies. I didn’t want to do it again!
“Are you okay?”
I broke from my anxious thoughts to look at Lin. “What?”
“I’ve been talking and you haven’t answered.”
“Oh,” I said, looking out to the courtyard as we walked. “Sorry.”
“I was saying that you’ll have to get to his room to attend before breakfast. And don’t worry about any gossip. I’ll handle it for you.”
“Gossip about what?” It struck me as soon as I’d said the words. I’d be in Lord Kwan’s room more often, while he was under dressed, and likely with the doors closed.
“You covered for me. And I know nothing will happen between you two. Everyone knows that, but it doesn’t stop someone’s jealousy spreading rumors. So, I’ll put an end to anything that comes up. You can barely admit you’re a virgin without getting flustered, anything more might cause you to explode.”
That was true enough. I felt glad to have Lin on my side, a friend to stop accusations about me. She didn’t waste time with it when Syaoran tried to tease me. There was a hefty bit of paperwork to be done simply to acknowledge a promotion in rank and count coin for hiring new staff. I didn’t understand half of it, though I tried my best to keep up.
On our walk out, something kept bothering me. Between Syaoran’s tease, Lin’s pointing out my discomfort, and Urekkato’s mocking me, I couldn’t stand it.
“Lin?” I didn’t really have anyone else to ask. “What does it mean to teach a man what you like?”
She held in laughter as we walked. “Where’d you hear that? Wait... Are you actually thinking of seducing—?”
I took her arm, shaking my head furiously. “No! I’m just tired of having conversations go over my head. And if Lord Kwan does want court to be held regularly, I don’t want to be kept ignorant about these things. Especially with...” I trailed, remembering to shut my eyes and count before going on.
“That’s true. Next thing you know, a more perverted personal staff of one of the guests will try to take advantage. It’s probably not a good idea for any of us girls to be naïve. I’d probably have been better off if I knew what to expect the first time.”
“The first time?”
“I didn’t always work for Lord Kwan. My family sent me to work for a richer lord first. I was about your age, maybe a little older. That’s how he liked it, being the first to deflower a girl.”
I shuddered.
“Some men are worse than others,” said Lin, dismissive. “At least here there’s less chance of being forced into a situation. Lord Kwan doesn’t take much of an interest, and Syaoran enjoys more that a girl comes to him. The rest of them are opportunistic, don’t get me wrong, they’re just less brash about it.”
My mind went back to Sen.
“Come with me to send out this missive. We’ll go to your room after, since I should be instructing you on new duties anyway.”
I reiterated about what I already knew. Rudimentary things—the basics, as Lin put it. Though the rest was overwhelming. So many phrases to mean the same lewd thing, and description of different ways and the things before made me space out from time to time. My mind actively rejecting while also curious and trying to understand.
“Mostly,” said Lin, “men want to think they have the power to please a woman. They treat it more like a game than anything. Smiles and giggles leading up to it—are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” I said.
“Your face is almost scarlet. Are you sure?”
“I’m just—I’ve never had this conversation before.”
She quirked a brow, a concerned expression growing as she decided on something. “We can stop now and pick it up again later if you want.”
I did want that. Except, to also never talk about it again. When I imagined my future life, being with a husband, it was never such a vivid imagining. Taking in a deep breath, I tried to force myself not to blush. “Let’s get it over with.”
She pursed her lips, weighing my choice against her own judgement. “There’s not a lot more to say. I mentioned about not letting them know exactly how often you’ve been with a man, since they dislike a higher count. But it might do you some good to not mention you’ve never been with one either. Some men get excited to try and be the first.”
“It sounds so strange, since they’re more bashful about having a lower count with women or that it’s their first, like you said.”
“Men are strange creatures,” said Lin with a sigh. “But there’s not much else. As far as getting him to do what you want rather than what he wants, well, you have to figure out what it is you like. Convincing him to it is the trick. I’m not sure how to do that one though.”
I was better informed, though it hardly seemed helpful. Maybe in the sense that I could better avoid things now, but as for what Urekkato alluded to, I still didn’t know. Maybe this was part of his game, to lead me to have this complicated conversation.
“Figure it out,” I muttered. But the idea caused me to shudder. I wanted it to only be with a man who I was in love with, and who loved me in return. The way it was explained sounded more manipulative than affectionate. I fidgeted. “Were you scared? The first time?”
Her expression changed, brow furrowing and jaw setting. “The first few times, I was. For a while, I didn’t know it could be my choice as well. I put up with it because I held onto a promise he made. That’d I’d be his fifth mistress.”
“Fifth?” I was shocked. When Juro tried to propose and mentioned keeping a single mistress, my body went cold. The more I learned about noble life, the less romanticized I found myself thinking about it.
“Just sleeping with a lord isn’t exactly a worthy act. But becoming a mistress means you have privileges and some sway with him. Then you can pull your family into a little bit better of a position. It’s the most we common girls can hope for.”
