A Dance of Mist and Fury, page 31
“Sure, but I don’t like that idea,” I said, shying my tone to hide disgust. “I’ve always thought it was enough to have a wife. Why would he need anyone else?”
“Need might be a strong word,” said Lin, reclining back. “In rare cases, a wife can’t give him a son or any children, so the lord tries to make a natural heir some other way rather than see everything he’s built go to someone else or be split between contenders.”
“Why wouldn’t it just go to his wife?”
“If we ran things, we’d make more sensible decisions like that. My guess is that they’ll be too scared that they’d have to treat their wife as an equal or get smothered in their sleep.”
Of all the things this conversation brought, that made me cringe hardest and tuck into myself.
“I think that’s about it,” said Lin. “I might be forgetting some things, but they’re probably not important.”
I’d been left alone not long after, looking for where to stash the puzzle box I’d taken. Everywhere seemed like too much of a suspicious place. Finally, I decided on the bottom of my stationery.
Out of court attire and back in my rough-spun clothes, I breathed a long sigh of relief. No more tight, rigid waistlines. No more restricted breaths. No more tiny strides to get to anywhere. I was free to move around as I pleased, to sprint if I wanted to. Yua explained why the set up was necessary, but the red lines marking where every piece sat didn’t fill me with confidence in what she’d said.
Barefooted, I walked the veranda, enjoying the quiet of it. A quiet that came to a sudden halt when Beom drew his sword. Hot words flew from him, though I didn’t have the context to make sense of them. His opponent: Lord Kwan.
Whatever the reason, the brothers stood to face off. Beom assumed an aggressive stance, Lord Kwan a relaxed one. With a roar, Beom charged, deflected and side stepped by Lord Kwan.
Another set of rapid attacks. One, two, three, four, five. Each one parried as Lord Kwan gave ground and moved himself out of line to some other part of the courtyard. Irritated, Beom knocked down a heavy planter to cut off access to one side.
“You continue to humiliate the family,” growled Beom as he swung.
Lord Kwan leapt back, deflecting and climbing to the veranda.
Beom pursued, smashing whatever got in his way. “You abuse your position, and you forget your place!”
Still silent, Lord Kwan knocked down whatever he had in reach to create a barrier and give space.
“You keep that fox-bastard, allowing him to parade around as one of us!” He swung again, breaking a paper paned window. “You put a title on the toad!” Kicking aside debris, Beom ripped off one of the doors from its hanging spot to throw at his brother.
Lord Kwan dodged, side stepping and advancing with his brother now distracted and loose on his grip. One, two, three, the fourth strike cutting Beom’s upper arm, five, six, seven, Lord Kwan didn’t relent.
Beom pushed back, using raw strength over elegant swiftness to deflect with his sword. One hand released, rising fast to hit Lord Kwan on the side of his face. Lord Kwan stumbled, now having difficulty in deflecting his brother’s swipes. The barrage stopped only after a risky move by Lord Kwan, going down and forward to catch his brother’s wrist to stop the strike entirely.
I saw the start of transformation from both of them then. Hands becoming larger, clawed, the tiger pattern pronounced from their skin. Snarls from both of them, their eyes turning wild, and teeth shifting from a man’s to a beast’s.
The staff that’d come to see the ruckus got out of the way, though no one left. There was worry plastered on all of us, from both households.
“And then there’s your little human whore.”
Enraged, Lord Kwan pushed off, matching his brother’s ferocity as claws and steel were exchanged. It happed quick, faster than I could see, and twice I had to get out of the way of their brawl.
“Is that why you gave up Eumeh so easily‽” demanded Beom in a roar. “Does it make you happy to shame our parents?”
Lord Kwan lunged, knocking Beom to the ground to grapple. Beom tumbled back, kicking off his brother with enough force to send him crashing into the clay and wood wall. A snapping, shattering sound echoed through the air, as did the clattering of his sword away from its wielder. The final brother, making his appearance with a stark expression at the scene, panted from his run.
“You delayed vengeance for our sisters,” growled Beom. “Protecting that devil was more important to you than honoring your family.” He marched on Lord Kwan, who seemed torn between releasing his power to be a man again, and surrendering to the monster.
Beom was going to kill him, I could feel it.
I didn’t pray for courage this time. I acted without it. Running to him, I tried to help Lord Kwan to his feet, to get him out of there! My intentions were over ambitious. He was too heavy for me to lift. No matter what words I used to encourage his own action, he was too stunned from the impact to respond.
With Beom almost over us, the sensible side of me screamed for me to run. The rest of me refused, needing to protect my friend. I crouched over, on all fours to try shielding him with my body.
“Step aside girl,” commanded Beom.
I shook my head, unable to do anything else.
“This isn’t the honorable death of a servant defending their master. If you do not move, I will cut you down as well.”
I stayed where I was, looking him straight in the eye as I trembled.
“This is your final chance, girl.” He took his sword in both hands, a warning.
I refused to move.
A growl sounded behind my other ear. The sort of growl that turned my blood cold. The kind that came from a predator about to make meat out of a man. I could feel in my bones that Lord Kwan was losing himself. I shifted my focus from Beom, throwing the full of myself onto Lord Kwan, as if somehow that alone would prevent him from becoming a monster.
“No,” I whispered. “Don’t go. I’m staying with you, Lord Kwan.” I spoke my whisper as loudly as I dared into his ear.
The sound of colliding steel behind me. I looked over my shoulder, seeing Kwang intercept his brother’s blow.
“For someone complaining about bringing shame to our family name,” growled Kwang, though she stayed very much a man in his appearance. “You would use your sword on an unarmed woman? And while she is not on her feet? What honor is that?” He tangled the blades, pressing his brother back two steps. Taking his own stance, he awaited Beom’s decision. Through it, I could see a kind of fear tugging at him.
Beom resumed his posture, raising his sword without hesitation. “Are you sure you want to do this, little brother?”
Kwang took a breath. “I will do what I believe is right.”
Wary, Beom tapped the tip of his sword against Kwang’s, testing, goading. Kwang launched. The clashing of steel fast, I couldn’t count. Not that I could be bothered to count. Lord Kwan was fighting against himself and needed help.
I didn’t know what I could do to prevent him from losing himself. The best I could come up with was to remind him of the happiest times I had in his company, about the peach grove and the brilliant lake at the top of the mountain, about the quiet, muggy afternoon sharing in art and tea.
Another crash as Kwang was thrown aside without grace. The fight didn’t last long at all, and the youngest brother lay in a heap with a broken paper-paned door over him. A hissing growl in every breath came from Beom, and I was too afraid to look. I buried my face against Lord Kwan, and begged not to lose the kind and stoic Juneun that I called my friend.
His arm clung to me, and the sound of metal intercepting metal rang from behind. Lord Kwan held tight to me, his sword recalled to his hand and holding off his brother. He was wild, but still himself. His foot kicked out at Beom’s shin, gaining a vital second to toss aside the pointed steel and get to his feet with me. My hands became a vice on his shirt in the sudden movement.
The rest of the staff continued to stay out of the way. Unwritten rules were broken, and they gave an abundance of space between themselves and the brawl.
Beom rushed in, roars as frequent as beaths came from both of them. One handed, refusing to let me go, Lord Kwan shoved off Beom’s advancing strikes. I was dragged along, my feet barely touching ground. Lord Kwan took a cut to his neck, red sliding down the tiger pattern of his skin beside my face. I shrieked, not meaning to, and his grip on me tightened.
Another strike was landed on Lord Kwan, distracted by my terror, nicking his arm. His outraged expression fled, and the stony one I came to know reclaimed its place on him. He moved in on Beom, bashing his elbow into his brother’s face.
Beom stumbled back, clapping a hand over his nose. All of which allowed Lord Kwan space enough to release me safely. He charged in, hitting the sides and thighs of his older brother with the blunt of his blade. Beom fell to a knee, compromising his every position, but saved from bleeding. Before he could climb back onto his feet, Lord Kwan’s sword caused him to pause, the very tip pointed at Beom’s throat.
Unlike his older brother, Lord Kwan gave restraint to his aggression.
The brothers leered each other down. The sound of groaning, and I realized Kwang had come to again, needing help. As I rushed to the youngest brother, Syaoran hurried to Lord Kwan.
Whatever words were exchanged, Lord Kwan held his expression, weighing his choice. “I will not run my brother through. But he is no longer welcome in my home.”
He started to bring away his sword when Beom grabbed hold of it, glaring. “I have no brother who lives here.” A slow start of blood dripped from his hand.
Kwang, on his knees, and realizing the exchanged, spoke up. “Then you have no brother in my home either!”
Beom’s eyes shifted over to us, rage bright within them. He scoffed, watching Kwang get to his feet.
“You seem to be running out of family,” said Lord Kwan. He yanked his sword free of Beom’s grip. His other arm outstretched, its sheath came as he cleaned off the blade against his hanbok. Both pieces in hand, he put them back as one and walked away.
The beastly qualities of both brothers receded, leaving them looking like men once more.
“Syaoran, get this place cleaned up,” commanded Lord Kwan, assuming his station once again.
Syaoran bowed, quick to obey.
“Hisa, you will attend me.”
I hesitated, looking at Kwang for direction, since the rest of the staff was occupied trying to correct the damage done.
“You shouldn’t have intervened,” whispered Kwang. “Go to him.”
With no more delay, I picked up pace to follow, shutting my eyes and counting.
His steps were weak. Out of sight from the others, he seemed more labored in his breath and struggling in his stride. I went to try and shoulder him. He didn’t pull away. In his room, he nearly collapsed.
“Lord Kwan,” I said, a little too loud, needing to rein in my voice. “What’s wrong?”
“I over exerted myself,” said Lord Kwan, weak in his tone. “Always with my brothers...”
“I’m sorry,” I said. The realization came to me, coupled with what Kwang mentioned. “You used more magic protecting me again. I thought he meant to kill you and I was trying to protect you. Instead, I made things worse, didn’t I?”
We made it to his bed. He laid down, brow beaded in sweat.
“In some ways, yes,” said Lord Kwan. “But you prevented me from losing control. I heard your voice, and that was enough.” His hint of a smile returned, eyes meeting mine. “Only Kwang knows about it. The rest of my family does not.”
“Only Lord Kwang, and us here?” I asked. In his silence, my mind put together missing pieces. “That’s part of why there’s so few in your household, isn’t there? So it’s less chance of the wrong person finding out.”
His hand took mine, cool to the touch, approving of my conclusion.
“What I still don’t understand is why brothers would be fighting at all.”
“Do you not with yours?”
“We argue, but,” I thought back, to every instance I still had in my memory. “We rarely fight. And it’s never that heated. In the end, we’re family, and we look after each other.”
I scooted to sit beside him, keeping him company until he regained more strength, enough to brush some of my hair behind my ear, revealing my scar. I looked away from him, self-conscious all over again. He’d seen it a hundred times before. Since my hair had grown long enough to conceal it, however, I felt secure in hiding behind it. Hiding more and more of myself from pitying stares.
“We’re both a little damaged,” said Lord Kwan. “But we’re still here in spite of it.”
My eyes stole a look back at him, curious, and saw a gentleness in his features. It was hard to imagine a Juneun as broken. They weren’t like humans. But his words put me at ease.
Chapter 33
Swings & Saddles
Midsummer, and Lord Kwan was away. In my first day as his attendant, I embarrassed myself. Trying to be dutiful, I’d gotten up before breakfast to go to his room. When he didn’t answer, I worried and peeked. He was still in bed then, rolling over with a groggy expression and calling me in. He didn’t actually need me. It was more for the show and to keep others out of his room. He didn’t put it past Lin to try and exploit the position; something I thought seemed out of character for her, though I only knew her two years and Lord Kwan for some decades.
Though, it still haunted me how everyone talked about each other. How the women talked about Lord Kwan, or any lord as a prize. It felt gross in my mouth to think about it—and worse to think if someone said that about me, making it seem like I should be so honored. I wasn’t beautiful, or the most gifted, but I wasn’t the worst at most things—I wasn’t useless! Even if I made a mess of things during court, and I wasn’t a proper lady or an adept servant for a noble Juneun... Was I worse off than I thought?
Things resumed, more or less, to normal. I picked up my riding lessons again not long after court ended, thinking that I may as well get used to it if I did decide to accept Juro’s proposal. That’s what everyone else said I should do, even if I didn’t want it.
Why was I so spineless about this? Because I didn’t have better prospects at home, now that rumors piled onto my lack of beauty and skill? I’d learned more in Lord Kwan’s service than I could have ever hoped for at home. And if I asked, maybe the kitchen staff would teach me a bit. They didn’t appear to dislike me, and I didn’t mind fetching things and getting messy. In Yua’s absence, I could use my temporary position to pressure an agreement.
Something in my gut burned with delight. I hated myself for considering anything less than love. What did it matter what everyone else thought? It wasn’t their life! I couldn’t back talk or be blunt as a servant girl. But I wouldn’t be a servant forever. I could outright refuse anything I wanted then. My father and brothers wouldn’t allow it, not after my having been gone for five years, I was sure of it.
Saburo picked up on my mood. His ears swiveled this way and that, his tail swishing, and he snorted in his breathing. Our pace picked up without my notice until an unpleasant and speedy trot made me feel as though I would fall. Then he broke into a canter. The noise around me faded away. There was only the air whipping past my ear. At the same time, I didn’t feel that we were going fast at all. We’d smoothed out and my balance reset. It was as close to flying as I could imagine, and I smiled. I wanted to go faster, to leave behind every thought that my mind ever used against me, if only we could go just a little faster. I felt free. We ran that same length over and over, but I felt freer than I had since I was nine years old. It was me and Saburo and the wind, and nothing else.
When at last I felt calm again, I pulled back on the reins gently and cooed to signal my desire to slow to a stop. Saburo obliged. I knew then that I loved riding. Not because someone wanted me to, but because of that experience of freedom and oneness. I breathed deep, holding it for a moment before I let go. My smile stayed.
Syaoran clapped from the side, having filled in as my instructor. “That was beautiful! Good job. But don’t keep Saburo stopped, let him walk a while to cool down his muscles.”
I relaxed my hold, letting Saburo wander as I kept my head high. I wouldn’t let rumors or teases bother me anymore, not without a fight. I’d go home so well skilled that it would be impossible for me to think it was ever foolish to wish for love. If no romance awaited me in my own village, I could ride to others. I would make it so that I could be limitless. That’s what it felt like in that moment.
When I came out of my daydreaming, I saw Lord Kwan standing beside Syaoran in light conversation. He was home again, and I nudged Saburo to trot over softly to greet him. I dismounted with dignity, keeping my smile as I welcomed my friend.
“Is Saburo taking care of you?” asked Lord Kwan.
Before I could answer, start some small conversation, Gi came up with a request from Lin wanting to see me.
“She’s wasted no time getting settled in her new station,” said Lord Kwan, that hint of a smile on his face.
Syaoran crossed his arms. “She doesn’t give anyone an inch to challenge her. I think she’s holding the position well. I can see it stresses her, but she’s not the sort to let anyone walk on her.”
Lord Kwan nodded, looking to me. “I’ll take Saburo, so you can go directly.”
I handed off the reins, my smile struggling to stay strong. As I walked, I could hear part of their continued conversation.
“So you approve of my choice?”
“I do, my lord.”
Going to a common space, Lin had three other women I’d never seen before. They sat with perfect manners and not the slightest slouch. All of their eyes went to me as I walked in and tried to make a good presentation of myself, even though I was coated in dust and sweat in my riding clothes.
I stood politely, moving only when Lin waved me over.
“Take this to the guardhouse at the outer gate. The faster, the better.” She handed me a rolled paper, tied with twine.
