A Dance of Mist and Fury, page 41
Twice, Genji was in the company of Juro. Though, he didn’t seem to care for the former Kurai’s boasting.
In another instance, a lady had caught him alone to make her advance. Mentions of how he must be wanting for a wife again, and to further his family line or else let his ancestral home fall into the hands of strangers. Poor Genji looked so uncomfortable with the subject and the attention, something I knew all too well with recent experience. I’d set aside the wine vase, out of sight, and went to fetch him, making up that his presence was requested and revealing it only after the fact.
It wasn’t until the night before the final day that I was alone with Lord Kwan, serving a white tea as the feast turned down and guests went to their rooms.
“Lord Kwan?”
He grunted, sipping from his cup.
Wanting to keep Urekkato out of my eyes, I shut them often, counting. “Did you ask me to tend to Lord Genji because I’m a human?”
He took his time, mulling over my tone as well as the phrasing. “Being human is perhaps a detriment to his already shy nature. No, I did not.”
I thought it over, staring into the steam of my tea. Before I could ask anything more, hardly a sound allowed to leave my lips, he went on.
“I chose you, out of my entire household, because you allow yourself to love others freely.”
Blinking, my face twisted into more questions. I wasn’t sure I liked the way he’d phrased it, though his usual level tone didn’t indicate any sort of teasing.
“You have a natural compassion.”
That sounded better, though I wasn’t sure I understood.
“I knew you wouldn’t try to press him for anything. You may have noticed some ladies in the court, and more than a few servants, eyeing him. Opposite them, you’re more willing to give and comfort without the thought of reward.”
The way he spoke, it reminded me of the gossip between the women in trying to become a mistress or wife to a lord, using whatever tactic they had to achieve it. “I know my place, my lord.”
That hint of a smile dashed onto his stoic expression. “It’s less that you know your place, and more that you truly do not. It allows you to act in the best interest of others. It endears Kwang to you. So, I knew Genji would feel comfortable rather than isolated.”
“Do you, now?” I said, narrowing my eyes and smirking.
He paused before his next sip, looking at me and letting his smile grow slightly. Quiet lingered as we sipped at leisure. Cups refilled, he finally spoke again. “How do you like him?”
“I like him very much,” I said, thoughtless. “He’s a gentle and quiet sort of person. Neither of us really fit in. At the same time, we’re doing our best to make the effort.”
“Then you like him more than Juro?”
I stopped, turning my gaze from my drink to his face. Despite his placid expression, a look of mischief peeked through his eyes. “Lord Kwan—”
“More than Syaoran? Or me?”
I grumbled, nearly growling in displeasure. “You’re teasing me.”
“Juro wants you as his bride. Syaoran attracts many women with his essence as a fox spirit. And I’m the only one you’ve kissed.”
“Lord Kwan!” I scolded. A bit too loud, I realized, with guests everywhere.
He kept his expression as he watched me. “Has anyone made an unwanted advance?”
I shook my head. True to his word, Lord Kwan had kept me busy and away from Juro. There had only been a single instance of Juro trying to get me alone again, intruded on by Lord Kwan asking if I’d completed my tasks, and bidding I get back to it so as to not keep guests waiting. Likewise, Koji would growl at any shadow lingering in front of my paper-paned door, made on edge by all the unfamiliar sounds and smells. Though, in fairness, I also still found it difficult to be at ease with the noise.
A little more than two years, and I’d never have to be in court for any reason ever again.
On the day guests began to depart, the entirety of the house stood lined up and bidding farewell accordingly, despite the rain. Lin, Syaoran, and myself stood nearest to Lord Kwan, befitting our positions in the house, with Syaoran’s magic repelling the light shower from us.
When Genji rode up, his bay mare re-shoed, his gaze still shied from everyone. The rain didn’t seem to bother him. Rather, it looked more as though the drops rolled off him without dampening any part of him or his horse, and some droplets avoided them all together.
“I... Um... I thought,” frustration crinkled his face. “I put in my bid. To host Mokryon.”
“I look forward to it, my friend,” said Lord Kwan.
Genji glanced to Lin, Syaoran, and myself before darting his eyes to the ground and turning back to lord Kwan. “You will bring your attendants?”
“One or two, perhaps,” said Lord Kwan. “I don’t see the need to usher an entire household to Tetsuden.”
Genji nodded, slight and slow, taking a last half glance in our direction. “She’s... Thank you, my friend.”
Lord Kwan dipped his head in respect, a wordless pride.
“I will stock the floral wines again. And... I will send the first of the lotus wine to your house directly.”
“It was Lady Isaden’s favorite. Or was it the lavender she preferred?”
A gentle smile came on Genji. “She had a love for both. Yours is a keen mind for memory. I think she enjoyed lavender more.”
“I look forward to it, my friend. And your invitation.”
With nothing more to say, a bow of the head was given, and Genji trotted off, slow to pick up speed. His boy attendants, horseless, transformed into magpies to fly at the side of their lord. I gawked at the magic, and Syaoran took his finger under my chin to close my mouth. He smirked as he did, though I knew his expression meant to reminded me of good manners while there were still guests.
Another lord, with his wife, rode up. And another, alone. A lady, and an intended couple, and more slowly went through with last bits of commentary and a polite goodbye.
Juro rode up, mentioning disappointment in my being kept so busy. A passive scold was issued to Lord Kwan, and a partial demand that I should be less worked so as to cultivate a stronger affection.
“You cannot keep her all for yourself forever,” said Juro.
I worked hard to keep still, to not tuck into myself or turn red with emotion.
“Nor do I intend to,” said Lord Kwan, pleasant and stoic in his tone. “There is simply too much to be done when hosting court. Otherwise, Hisa is perfectly capable of making her decisions and keeping her own company.”
Even over the rain, I swore I heard at least one of the staff further back stifle a snort of a laugh.
Juro huffed a sigh, dissatisfied with the answer, and looked to me. “Tell me, one thing I can send to you. Apricots, I know. But something lovely for yourself, my bride, tell me.”
I shook my head. “My needs and wants are met. But I thank you for your attentiveness, Lord Juro. You’re very kind.” I practiced my answer all morning, anticipating the question and wanting to present like a respectable member of the house.
“Hisa...” His face became crest fallen. Though I didn’t want his advances and disliked his intent to claim me, I wanted to comfort and heal the hurt he showed. But I didn’t know how without also making it seem as though I accepted his affection.
“I’m not used to being spoiled with gifts, my lord,” I said, quiet, trying to think of how to remedy the situation. “I feel too guilty to ask.”
His expression softened. “I will send when I have found something suitable. And, in time, you will grow used it, my beloved.”
I didn’t know what to make of that, dreading it already, even as he rode off. One comfort I had was in making myself believe he wouldn’t listen to Urekkato anymore. The memory of my exposure and the kiss he forced on me still soured my gut and made my togue taste bitter.
At the end of it all, Lord Kwan gave his dismissal, and we all shared a resounding sigh of relief. The anticipation of being out of court-attire coursing through us, no one wasted time in going to their rooms.
“Hisa,” said Lord Kwan. “When you’re more comfortable, bring the cider to my room. The one with the yellow brim.”
“Yellow brim,” I repeated, committing the idea to memory as I nodded and hurried off as quick as my dress would allow.
Syaoran and Lin stayed beside me, walking to the veranda.
“So, the Mokryon,” said Lin, sly. “Are you excited?”
“Excited? Why?”
Syaoran held in a laugh at my question.
“You can’t tell us you missed it,” continued Lin, quirking a brow at my blank expression. “Lord Genji was asking Lord Kwan to bring you!”
“Me? He said—”
“I think we keep forgetting that Hisa isn’t used to the way lords speak to each other,” said Syaoran. “But yes, Lord Genji was asking Lord Kwan to bring you.”
“Taken with him?” teased Lin. “What are you going to tell Lord Juro.”
“It’s not like that,” I complained. In my mind, I replayed every instance I had with Genji, trying to spot something other than innocent encounters.
“I don’t think it’s that way,” said Syaoran. “His late wife was human, but I don’t think that’s enough for him to pursue another.”
“She was?” said Lin.
“You didn’t know?” I asked.
“I knew he was widowed, but not that his wife was human. No one ever really talked about her, so I assumed she was probably the daughter to a lesser lord.”
“He told me the high lords didn’t like that he fell in love with a human,” I said.
“That’s putting it mildly,” said Syaoran. “From what I recall, I think she was the daughter of a poor merchant. Or was it a potter? Either way, they’d lost everything in a flood and Genji spotted her hauling tall stalks of bamboo and offered to help. Then offered the family hospitality while they rebuilt their home.”
“That’s when they got to know each other?” I asked.
Syaoran shrugged. “Probably. He financed it as well. I don’t remember if it was before they were well off or after, but he’d asked her father’s blessing. From what I’ve heard they were very happy together.”
“I got that impression too.”
“So, he has an appetite for human girls?” teased Lin.
Syaoran laughed. I frowned.
“I don’t know if I’d phrase it that way,” said Syaoran.
“It makes sense though,” insisted Lin. “Maybe that’s why Lord Kwan is fond of Hisa. Like master, like student.”
“Master and student?” I echoed. “So, he was like a teacher to Lord Kwan?”
Shrugging, Syaoran summed things up. “Most sons of any lord spend some part of their life in their first century in the house of another lord. It helps to foster friendships and alliances. And, if you’re lucky, a future marriage if the lord happens to also have a daughter. But the main purpose is to get the boy used to being away from family and finish up his schooling and swordsmanship.”
“Did you have to?” I asked without thinking.
His ears drooped, going flat to either side. “It was... different, for the fox clan.”
I regretted my asking.
“I happened to notice you didn’t run off this time,” said Lin, breaking tension. “Good thing of it. Regardless of Lord Kwan’s brothers, we need all the help we can get with court.”
“I figured they’d behave with Genji here. He’s not shy if he needs to draw his sword.”
“Don’t you dare think about hiding now,” scolded Lin, interrupting any thought Syaoran might have. “Or I’ll get Koji to help me sniff you out.”
As reluctant as I was, I donned the summer dress Juro had brought, needing a breathing fabric in the thick, rainy, hot air, and wanting to look presentable. The blouses colored plum and soft blue, the skirt a pale-peach, and a crimson ribbon to tie at the waste and secure all the pieces.
I kept silent around Lord Kwan’s brothers, a mere servant girl unnerved by the presence. Only the youngest of the brothers acknowledged me. Yuz remarked that the staff ought to be uniformed, only for Lord Kwan to say he didn’t see the point when it was only himself. Seong coldly reminded him that it was not only himself, though the words made no impression.
It wasn’t until Seong snatched my wrist and yanked me after refilling his cup did Lord Kwan acknowledge his brother with a warning look. I shrieked from the surprise of it. His grip wasn’t a painful one. He examined the hem of my sleeve, the floral print of it cut off.
“Toads.”
I blinked, looking down to see the tiny animals embroidered in. And he released.
“You spend too much time around humans and Kurai.”
“Do I?” said Lord Kwan in response, more to take up the empty air and hint at his irritation than a genuine question.
“Will you attend court elsewhere?” asked Kwang, trying to divert the conversation.
“I have no plans to take up court.”
“You should consider,” said Yuz. “Lady Asuka expressed an interest. You ought to speak with her brother on the matter, since her care fell to him after the passing of their lord father.”
“It’d be one less thing our father could harp on you about,” said Kwang. “It’s a good match. And her lord brother is naïve enough to put more into her dowry.”
Lord Kwan said nothing, hardly acknowledging either brother. “Seong. You are wed. What do you think?”
“You know my obvious thoughts,” said Seong. “As far as Asuka, she’s young and as naïve as her new lord brother. It’s an advantageous match, if you can tolerate stupidity.”
Lord Kwan rested his cheek in his palm, fingers folded. “Do you say that of your wife?”
An annoyed look spread on Seong. They stared at each other, measuring the insult and circumstance.
“Hisa,” said Lord Kwan.
“Y-yes, my lord?”
“What do you think?”
The brothers turned to face me with crooked expressions, and I couldn’t stop myself from trying to tuck in and make myself smaller. “I... I don’t know enough to say, my lord.”
“You have heard that she would have a high dowry, that she is stupid, and that the union would elevate my status. The marriage would bring in more to my lands, militant, and income. What do you think?”
My brow pressed as I looked at him. He spoke so forward and matter-of-fact, that he felt distant. “It seems cold.” I realized, after, that I said the words in too free a state. “M-my lord. All I’ve heard is a transaction, but nothing really about the lady herself. Or about love. It sounds...” I managed to stop myself this time.
Lord Kwan blinked, slow and expectant. “Go on.”
I hesitated, gnawing my lip and pulling my arms closer as though it’d make me invisible. “Hollow, my lord.”
The start of a smile came on him, answering me with a grunt. “How is it that my human attendant speaks more sense than my brothers?”
Seong and Yuz gave sharp looks to Lord Kwan, though he continued with his drink, pretending not to notice. It was something that made me uncomfortable, being used to make a statement.
“Maybe she has a point,” said Kwang, again trying to defuse tension. “Centuries of wedlock without an ounce of love does seem hollow.”
“You can forge love, given centuries or more,” said Seong, fast becoming stoic.
“Humans cease before seeing a century of life,” said Yuz, dismissive. “All they care about is whatever happens in the moment. Fussing over love.”
“Like a dog or some other pet,” said Seong.
“Asuka’s pretty enough. Perhaps I ought to take her up,” said Yuz.
Listening to the men, lords of a noble house, speaking as calculative as the servant women, it made me want to scream. But I didn’t want to disrespect Lord Kwan. I still held those same feelings since winter. And hearing his brothers speak about me, about humans and how trivial time was to a Juneun, all of it pained my heart.
Had Genji’s romance been a fluke? Was Juro playing just as much of a game as Urekkato? I loved Lord Kwan. I loved that he wasn’t boastful, that he was kind and tended to the needs of people who didn’t even know his name. I loved that he was tender and protective and strong. And even though I was still afraid when he would come back more beast than man, and I would get frustrated with not understanding him sometimes, I loved that we could be ourselves with each other. I was hopelessly in love with someone I knew couldn’t, perhaps wouldn’t, ever return my feelings.
I both wanted to stay in his house forever, and never come back again.
What did it matter? Was it simply because he’d been my first kiss, and my first passionate kiss? Juro had forced his lips on me, and I felt not a thing. I had to be rid of my feelings. One way or another. I had to get rid of this childish hope.
Dismissed, I set to find Syaoran. I didn’t know who else to turn to, and who would keep it secret. I only knew I needed to find some way to think less about my feelings.
I’d found him taking the shade by the restored well. Though, it seemed too public a place.
“I need your help with something.” I grabbed his hand, making to drag him behind me.
He remained unmoved. And I stumbled back a step.
“Help with what?”
I shook my head. “Not here.” Already, I was getting frustrated with myself, and wanted to back out.
He studied me, his fox ears turning slightly at some other sound. “You need to tell me something, or I’ll stay right here.”
My mind reeled, looking for any way to describe my plight without being so obvious. “When I first came here, only you knew I was a girl. And you sent help to me. You were the only one compassionate to me in those first few days. And between all the teasing and advances made and...” I could feel my frustration pushing me to tears, and swallowed hard to prevent them from falling. “You’re the only one I can confide in for this.”
He blinked, letting quiet hang as he weighed what I’d said. Then he stood. “The door then.”
