A Dance of Mist and Fury, page 36
He stepped closer. “Does undoing the damage of earth please you?”
I didn’t know how to answer. It brought relief, but I also felt like there was the implication that I should be indebted to him.
“Help me to make you happy, my love.”
A chill spread through my back. “I... it does, my lor—Juro. I worry about my friends and family at the mountain’s base.”
The tips of his fingers brushed against mine where they sat politely in front of me. “I’ve also brought a good stock of medicines with my usual delivery of tea. And, for you, Hisa,” he brought out something wrapped in blue silk, “A gift.”
“You didn’t need—”
“For your birthday.” He unwrapped it, revealing a hairpin from carved from nacre.
“My lor—Juro. You’re very thoughtful, but my birthday isn’t until mid-winter.”
“So that’s when,” said Juro. I stopped myself, meeting his gaze as I realized I’d been tricked into revealing something. “Before, or after the solstice?”
I shook my head. “You can’t be giving me this, L—Juro. I don’t have anything to give in return.”
He ignored me, pinning up my short hair. My eyes darted down, and my hand instinctively went to hide my scar. His own pried it off.
“A kiss,” said Juro. “As my reward.”
I hated this. I hated being put to feel like I owed that to him. “It’s not appropriate, my—Juro.” My voice came out as a whimper.
“Servant girls have done more for half as fine of a trinket,” said Juro, hinting at agitation. “And I had the rest of my gifts brought to your room.”
“Rest?” I looked up, feeling more cornered and confused than ever.
“So that you might get used to wearing nice things, and think of me when you wear them. A sample of what our life together might be like.”
I blinked in disbelief, shaking my head.
“Let it be my one reward for all of my effort.”
“I just, I don—I’ve never,” I stuttered, trying to come up with some excuse that would allow me to avoid this and leave.
He pulled me, holding the small of my back as our bodies pressed against each other. I looked at him, brow bent and eyes pleading as my voice stayed stuck in my throat.
“One kiss,” said Juro, “is all I’m asking for.”
I started to shake, unable to run, unable to speak. My heart pounded, and my breath labored. His free hand glided up my side, fingers brushing my cheek and lifting my chin. He leaned in, and I shut my eyes, bracing myself.
Barking, and the weight of paws putting us off balance as Koji bounced on us.
“What? What is this?” demanded Juro.
“Koji!” I scolded. Though, in reality, I was happy for his rough intrusion. His paws coated in mud, I made profuse apologies as I settled him. “Lord Juro, I’m sorry. Your clothes—I’ll take him to the kennels, now.”
“That’s,” he seemed at a loss for words. “Yes. Please do that.”
I didn’t wait for conformation, letting my full discomfort show.
In the kennels, I breathed out some relief. Koji licked at my face. I put a stop to it, smiling with sad thoughts. He wasn’t pristine in his coat anymore, and the ordeal that saved me wouldn’t look good in the case to keep him.
“How did you get free?” I asked, futile as I knew it was. It didn’t look like he chewed through, leaving me to suspect he’d wiggled out of the rope.
I stayed beside him a while, stroking through his fur. At any moment, someone would tell Syaoran about the event. With what time I had, I did what I could to make him presentable.
Enraged, Syaoran called me to the courtyard. I kept Koji with me, hoping beyond hope that I could prove his good demeanor and win over Syaoran’s approval. Lin marveled as he walked beside me, though I doubted that’d be enough support to convince Syaoran’s decision, as the acting master, to favor my side.
“I knew I smelled dogs!” growled Syaoran.
Feng watched from the veranda, amused by the whole thing.
“You kept this from me—made me think I was going insane!”
“Not on purpose,” I whispered. “I just, I, I hoped that if I could train him, then you wouldn’t make him leave—”
“That’s not to mention the insult to Lord Juro.”
“I’m sorry.” I kept my head down, unable to look Syaoran in the eye while he was fuming.
“Send it away.”
“But I—”
“Now.”
“He’s not a bad dog, though. He’s not even barking or growling at you, see? He’s sitting calm—”
“Hisa,” scolded Syaoran. “Do not argue.”
I tried anyway, meek as I sounded. “Can he stay just a little while? Like a trial period?”
“Hisa,” his voice grew cold. “Now.”
Desperate, I looked to Feng for help. She stayed unmoving.
“Gi,” called Syaoran, irritated with me. “Take that animal and get rid of it.”
“No,” I begged, falling to my knees and wrapping my arms around Koji.
Gi walked up, discomfort on his face. “Sorry, Hisa.”
I held tighter to Koji, met with a playful complaint from him. My eyes looked from Gi to Syaoran to Feng and to the dog in my arms, disregarding Juro’s approach.
“Let go, Hisa,” cooed Juro. “When we are wed, you may have a dog. Something a bit smaller and more manageable.”
I kept my hold, a wordless request for Juro to do something, even if I knew it was useless. I’d denied him what he wanted, and couldn’t expect he’d take my side now. Gi reached down, taking the rope from my grip and cuing Koji to come with him.
“I don’t remember ordering a household gathering,” said Lord Kwan. I looked up to see him walking through the moon gate, headed towards us. “Juro, you’re here early this year. We were remised that you left the wedding celebrations.”
“I,” hesitated Juro, “had it on good authority that I was needed here to mend the earth after a tremor.”
My brain compared what I’d been told, and what he’d now said to Lord Kwan. Urekkato. He’d looked through my eyes, and perhaps sent Juro away with the news for some game.
“Did you?” said Lord Kwan, steady in his voice, calm. “And the assembly here?”
“Lord Kwan,” I said, before anyone else could get their word in first. I got to my feet, determined not to be ignored. “Please don’t make me send away Koji. He’s a good boy, and I’m working on training him to be better behaved. I promise he won’t cause trouble. He’s just young still, and—”
Lord Kwan held up a palm. “Who is Koji?”
“My,” I hesitated. “My dog.”
“Your dog?”
“I found him, my lord. He was half starved. That’s why he was stealing scraps. But he’s cleaned now, and I’ve been sharing my meals with him, so he won’t—”
Again, Lord Kwan stopped my babbling. He gestured for everyone to disperse, eyes studying each of us. Gi walked back to Syaoran’s side, letting go of the rope leash. Juro, as well, stepped out of the way, trying to pull me with him. I stayed put. Koji sat, perfectly still until a sneeze broke his composure.
Lord Kwan stared at the dog. Not with the same intense irritation that he did upon meeting me for the first time, but studying all the same.
“What should be done?” asked Gi.
Syaoran fussed with his face, resisting the temptation to pinch his nose from the smell.
Lord Kwan said nothing, taking his time. Then, he looked to me. “He stays in the kennels until you take him out on a leash.”
“What?” said Syaoran. Disbelief consumed him, his head whipping between me and Koji to Lord Kwan.
“You will feed him yourself,” continued Lord Kwan. “You will bathe him yourself.”
“So,” I started, my mind slow to comprehend, “he can stay?”
With a flick of his hand, he pushed back his long, black hair.
“You’re not serious, my lord,” said Syaoran. “Are you?”
Walking to his room, Lord Kwan answered, “I like dogs.”
I smiled, beaming, and hugged my arms around Koji.
“Hisa,” said Lord Kwan, still walking away. “The one from your village this time. After you’ve changed.”
I looked down at my grubby clothes, a mess from Koji’s interruption and my attempt to clean him after. It took longer than it should have for me to remember my task of attending him. “Y-yes, my lord.” I took hold of Koji’s leash, fast bringing him back to the kennels.
In my room, I hurried to undress and clean myself up. I couldn’t tell if I still smelled like dog the way Syaoran complained, but I made the extra effort anyway so that it wouldn’t come off on the dress Lord Kwan had given me. It didn’t slip my notice that several new things were on my table, including a stack of persimmons. The bojagi silk wrapping, with its lattice knot and piece of decorative floral tucked in, looked expensive, never mind whatever it held.
That guilt and discomfort strangled my gut once more. True, I’d probably have nothing so elegant gifted to me again, but I didn’t want to be obligated to return an affection I didn’t feel. Already, my mind tried to come up with some polite way to refuse.
I tied on my undershorts, and placed on my bouses, one perfectly over the other, allowing the colors of both to show. The underskirt next, to hold the bouses in place. I’d started to tie it off when I heard my door slide. Juro came into my room.
“I’m underdressed, Lord Juro!” I held my arms and hands tight against my torso, bending forward as though it’d somehow conceal me better.
He closed my door, continuing his approach. “You didn’t look at the one I brought you.”
I understood the ire in his tone, however subtle. “Not while I’m serving. It’d be a shame if I’d accidentally damaged so fine a thing.”
“You didn’t look.” His hot breath grazed the back of my neck. Hands gliding over my hips and around my stomach, his arms pulling me close against him. He inhaled my smell as I stood frozen. We stayed that way a moment, my mind unable to come up with how to escape. “I want to look at you.” In a controlled movement, his hand reached and unbound the knot I’d made on the underskirt.
“Lord Juro!” I gasped. “Stop.”
Mud began to pool around my feet, the cold touch causing further panic.
“I only want to look.” He pulled the skirt free of my grip in a single yank.
“I’m scared, Juro!”
He paused. By luck, or because I’d addressed him the way he wanted in my panic, I didn’t know. “Look at me, Hisa.”
I shook my head, putting my entire will power into not crumbling to my knees.
He turned me to face him. My arms still braced against me. His finger lifted my chin, making me meet his eye. “I love you, Hisa. And you love that dog more than you love me.”
“I do not know you!” I was shaking, fearful and angry.
Blinking, he mulled over the words I’d hoarsely said. “I forget. You’re not the typical servant girl. We know little about each other. But I do love you, Hisa.”
“Then why do you treat me like this?” I growled, trying to sound menacing in spite of my feelings. “You expect my affection and agreement, but you don’t listen to my discomfort. I’m treated like I’m already your property and not a person. That is not love. And I will not marry without it, not even to the richest or most powerful Juneun.”
He stared at me, saying nothing for a while. “That is what I want as well. But you have closed off your heart from me.”
“I haven’t—” I caught myself beginning to argue, walking myself into a trick of words. “I don’t know how to speak with you, let alone anything else, Juro.” It felt awkward and forced, not addressing him by title. I wanted to avoid his wrath in whatever form that might take, and so I complied with his original request.
Holding my face in his hands, he leaned in. “Understand, Hisa, that I’m used to certain things. What I am not used to, is fear. Or love. Contempt, I am used to. Reluctance, and loathing, among other things, yes. But I will make every effort, if you will allow me an eternity of affection.”
Something I could try to work with, as my head stopped spinning. “I’m only human. I can’t give an eternity of anything. And I am teased for it regularly. I fought to keep Koji because he’s like me. Mortal. Limited in life with time.”
Juro looked into my eyes with a tender sadness. “Then let us not waste more of it.”
Again, I froze, blinking as I tried to figure out where I’d messed up my defense. The cold of the mud, and the trapping of my fallen underskirt distracting me.
“Kiss me, Hisa. Just once.”
“I,” I couldn’t come up with an excuse. I didn’t have to. His lips were already on mine. My top lip fell between his, wet and strange. It wasn’t the soft, brush of a touch that Lord Kwan had given me in winter. It was a deeper kiss, meant to have feeling—a feeling I didn’t have in return for him.
He pulled away, opening his eyes to look into mine. “I will...” his words trailed. A pensive sigh left him, and he walked out of my room.
Finally, I crumpled to my knees, my breath catching up to me and my ears ringing.
Chapter 38
Beautifully Tragic Life
I’d been left without option. Cleaning myself up again, I didn’t have time to wash my dress. Reluctant, I went to Juro’s gift. Soft orange and pale, yellow shades, with serval layers in a more mature design. The bouses were longer, thicker in their material, meant to cross over my chest like a snug robe. The sleeves too, were longer, wider, pretty. The skirt of it was one piece rather than two, thick at its upper hem, meant to sinch around my waist rather than just beneath my armpits. It felt a great deal heavier than what Lord Kwan had given me, and there was some sense of false safety in that.
Looking to the part of my room piled with mud, my gut soured. I wanted to take this off, to get back into my dingy, rough-spun clothes. The desire to throw it off increased when noticing frogs subtly embroidered along the thick hems. Soft to the touch, yet every piece made me feel like wearing it meant I agreed to him—that he’d marked me as his territory.
A crunch underfoot, and the prickle of something sharp. The hairpin. And I had nothing to fix it with. I started to panic. What if he asked about it? I could lie, but if he found out? He came into my room unhindered before.
Lord Kwan was waiting. Even as I brewed the tea and brought it, I couldn’t think of how to keep it a secret and stave off Juro’s anger. But perhaps Lord Kwan would have a solution if I explained things.
The hope was dashed when I saw Juro sitting with Lord Kwan, casual, as though he hadn’t assaulted me less than an hour before.
“That’s a lovely thing,” said Lord Kwan, sounding content and caught up in pleasant conversation.
I tried to ignore it; and tried more to not look at Juro. My fear came to fruition somewhere in conversation when a lull allowed Juro to ask about the hairpin.
“I,” I couldn’t think of how to build on lies if he asked more questions. Lord Kwan had even said I was a lousy liar. “It fell out. Earlier. And broke.”
“I’ll fix it,” said Lord Kwan, having taken his time, but speaking before Juro. “Is that why you’ve been so quiet?”
I shied my gaze, not wanting to admit or reveal anything.
In the night, as I went to check on Koji, I had to pass Juro’s room. His door closed, I could still hear him with a woman. One of the new girls, presumably. And the same for the following two nights that he stayed. His attention towards me was softer, but no less uncomfortable, and I no longer could guess at what was safe to say.
“Hisa?”
“Yes?” I glanced around, figuring out how I should address him, “Juro?” Admittedly, my mind wandered, leaving me only physically trapped.
He looked me over, sighing. “If it’s—about that day, I,” he fought with his words. “I am sorry. My temper got my better.”
I stayed quiet.
“I hate to see you so genuinely bothered. Tell me what I can do to have your forgiveness, and convince you to smile.”
“I don’t know,” I looked away, searching the garden for something more to say.
“I will be gentle to you. You know that, don’t you?”
I nodded, even though I didn’t believe it.
“Kwan mentioned you have a love for riding now.”
“Not anymore,” I said, absently. My body tensed when I realized it, and he waited for further explanation. “I fell.”
“My beloved,” he took my hand, “I had told Kwan to protect you. Were you hurt?”
“Please, don’t trouble yourself, Juro.”
The conversation ended with his asking me to try and learn to love him, and the promise of more things to come until I forgave his beastly affront. I couldn’t agree to any of it, not while my head was still spinning and my thoughts were fogged. I needed time to understand how I felt, and how to move past it.
Not that it halted gossip.
In my rough-spun clothes, I’d taken to restocking the tinder for the furnaces of the house before the weather became too cold. I didn’t think of myself as too quiet, carrying out this small chore, though I went largely unnoticed.
“Don’t misunderstand, Juro isn’t exactly a prize to behold. But you saw that dress and pin. And she has the audacity to be miserable while the rest of us would kill to have that level of attention from a lord.”
“Lord Kwan let her keep the dog because she was about to cry. She has to be sucking him at the very least, regardless of what Lin says.”
“It’s more than that, if you ask me. She spends most of her time with him while the rest of us are slaving away. Attendant, but I wouldn’t be surprise if she attends to all his needs.”
“And when she’s not spending all her time with Lord Kwan, she spends it with Lord Juro, grasping at whatever straw she can get.”
“Vulgar village rat.”
“She’s not even pretty.”
“You don’t need to be to bend over for a man.”
“I heard she looked like a staved little boy when she arrived here, but I guess some men are into that.”
