Thorns That Bloom (Venusverse), page 17
The feral, primal part of me wants to jump up and down and kiss him because of how happy I am, but that isn’t very friend-like behavior.
Squelching that tempting but deeply counterproductive urge, I nod, smiling widely at him. I allow myself that, at least. If I can’t kiss him or bounce with joy, I can do this. And to my utter delight, he responds with an unrestrained, adorable smile back.
It feels like I’ve gotten everything I could’ve hoped for, but there’s one more thing gnawing at me.
“So…would it be okay for me to get your number? You know, so I can make sure I don’t bring leftovers for you when we’re working different hours or…so you can tell me you maybe don’t feel like being around an alpha, ‘positive role model’ or not,” I blurt out, flashing him a hesitant look.
One corner of Sam’s mouth rides up. His eyes study me with a hint of suspicion.
“As friends,” I reiterate in a serious tone. “I mean it.”
He sighs.
“I suppose you have a point,” he says and extends his open hand out to me. “Your phone.”
I give it to him, biting back that stupid grin again. Sam notices it and does the same.
“Texts only, okay? That’s my hard rule. I hate people calling me. It’s the twenty-first century, for god’s sake,” he mutters to himself, briefly eyeing the other two cookies. I just keep staring at him, drinking in the unrestrained sight of him while he is distracted.
I love how grumpy he is. Sometimes I see him scowling at the people in the cafeteria before they speak to him, like his innate reaction to anyone approaching him is a disgusted ‘what the hell do you want from me’.
I want to be the only one he lights up seeing. The one he truly wants to be around when I’m gone.
Even if it’s just as a friend. That’s enough.
“Yessir,” I say.
After contemplation, Sam takes a bite of another cookie, and my heart is full.
Chapter 15
Sam
I wake up with the sensation of icy, rough hands grabbing at me, pulling and choking and pushing me in every direction. Staring at the ceiling while I try to regain control of my trembling limbs, I swallow the lump in my throat and close my eyes, fighting to blink the remnants of the nightmare’s sensations away.
If only it was just a nightmare. But that would imply something made-up, something happening only inside my head.
This was worse. Much, much worse. An echo. A twisted, warped memory. Brought on by that horrible wound that my body and mind are still trying to heal, but it keeps oozing no matter how hard I treat it.
With a shaky exhale, I put my arms up over my face. The sheet under me is cold and soaked in sweat. I think even the baby got startled. I feel them moving more than they usually do in the morning.
Is their heart pounding as wildly as mine? Are they terrified, too?
I hope not. I hope and pray they never feel something like that.
Carefully, I pull myself up to sit against the creaking headboard. While I take care to slow my breaths and search for five things I can point out and name in the room, I gently brush my hand over my rounded belly. “I’m so sorry. It’s okay,” I whisper.
Weird dreams are normal at this stage of pregnancy, at least from what I read. I just wish I only had those. Weird, vivid dreams. Not so much this kind…
I know I shouldn’t feel disappointed. This isn’t my fault. But I’ve been doing so well recently. The flashbacks have decreased significantly. My body has finally started to release some of that horrible, bone-deep tension, but then that fucking cleaner being changed at work completely threw me off again. The stupid citrus scent. One tiny thing and I’m back to waking up at five in the morning in panic and cold sweat.
With some effort, I relax my clenched fists and the tension in my jaw.
“Breathe,” I tell myself, focusing on the baby and their comfort. I visualize them, floating inside me, protected.
I am their home. Their haven. I need to make it a safe one.
I have to.
I know the rest of the day will be utter shit when the faint sensation of discomfort and unease lingers even after I take a long shower and eat some breakfast. It’s a feeling of being watched, of having someone’s hands hovering right above my back. Every time I turn, there’s nothing, making me that much more paranoid and frustrated with myself.
All in your head.
'Not your fault. Your responsibility.'
The world doesn’t pause because I am having a bad day. I still have to work, so I do. I stop for a cupcake from that nice little bakery on the way, get some tea to calm me down, and play my favorite songs as I drive.
People irritate me more than usual, and my tolerance for dealing with them is considerably lower. Even Kristoff notices when he comes in to check on me in the morning, as he usually does, with a bunch of coffee cups in hand and a smile on his face. I wave at him and crinkle my nose, the intense scent of his espresso making me a little nauseated.
He makes the face he always does when he realizes I’m in one of my moods—that I can at least chalk up to pregnancy mood swings—and clears out as soon as we talk about what needs to be done today.
The pregnancy itself isn’t helping my state of mind, either. I’m getting to the point where I feel like shit, plain and simple. I’m constantly hungry. So freaking hungry. My hips ache. My sleep schedule is starting to crumble. The baby’s kicks are more intense. I love feeling them move inside me, but being punched in the belly button from the inside is a sensation I’d rather not know existed. And I always feel so damn sluggish!
Brushing my hair out of my face, I let out a tired sigh. I can do this, right?
Yeah, I can do this. We can do this.
I slave away doing my job until I have to go pee again. Once I get back, I grab one of my snacks—a fruit protein bar—and go on my phone for a bit. I work best in bursts, and frequent breaks help me keep my momentum. At least here, I don’t have to worry about people watching me and thinking I’m just slacking.
Twitching and frowning as the baby kicks me in the ribs, I swipe down on the notification bar and open the unread message that buzzed in a few minutes ago.
Spinach and goat cheese risotto on the menu today! I have a later shift, so I’ll come in time for your lunch and we can eat before I start. At 12.30-ish? Should I meet you outside your office?
I smile to myself. Always so eager to please.
Theo’s taking his offer of us eating lunch together pretty seriously. I was a little worried about giving him my number, but the only thing he’s spammed me with since I did that a few days ago has been constant questions about what foods I like, dislike, and making sure I don’t have allergies.
I’m still not exactly sure if I believe he isn’t preparing these meals specifically to bring for me, rather than just what he would’ve cooked for himself. And I’m still not sure how I feel about it, really, but…it’s nice, I suppose.
It’s nice to feel like I’m being taken care of.
Yeah. Sounds good.
There is a heavy feeling at the bottom of my chest still. But maybe that’s just because of the horrible way I got woken up today. The stupid, irrational doubt that always lingers. That doubt whispers to me, telling me I don’t know Theo. That he’s an alpha capable of the things that all alphas are capable of.
And yet when I picture his face and that bright, boyish grin in my mind, my body relaxes. I close my eyes and recall his pheromones. I’ve always liked coconut. His scent has an edge to it, a spicy, hearty musk that gets much stronger when he’s sweaty, like after working in his overalls for hours.
At least he’s coming here before work today. That should stop these ill-advised thoughts. It’s nothing but hormones. The animalistic side of me, an omega needing an alpha to care for them in such a vulnerable time.
Must be.
At exactly twelve thirty, Theo appears outside my door with a grin he is clearly trying to rein in, but it shows that he’s ten times more excited than he wants to admit nonetheless, and two plastic containers of food in hand. He raises them in the air as he knocks, blue eyes lit up, hair shiny and messy from the wind that’s been whipping through town for the last two days.
“Hey.” Theo’s voice is a little breathy.
Was he hurrying to get here?
He stands in the doorway, watching me intently, as always. No work overalls, only his regular clothes—black washed-out jeans, a t-shirt with some band logo on it, and a plain, sandy leather jacket with a white stripe on the arms. His broad, muscular shoulders give a nice V-shape to his upper body. And while his jeans are nowhere near tight-fitting, they stretch slightly over his thighs.
I swallow hard and quickly meet his gaze. What are you thinking, Sam?
Standing up maybe a little too fast because of how damn hungry I am, I smile back at him. “I’m starving. Where’s that secret spot of yours? It’s pretty windy, though. I’m not sure it’s the best idea to eat outside.”
“Don’t worry. It’s mostly enclosed. Should be okay,” he says, and steps away as I come to him with my jacket in hand.
He hands me a food container that’s still hot. I open it while we walk, and by god, the aroma is so savory and so delicious it makes my stomach rumble. Letting out a groan of pleasure and rolling my eyes to the back of my head, I glance at him with a smirk. “This better be as good as it smells.”
Theo chuckles. “I hope so. I’ve done it a million times. My sister… Well, she always loved it.” The spark in his voice gets a little duller as he says it. I wonder if he’s nervous, or if it’s his sister that’s the sore subject.
He holds the door open for me as we take a turn and head through the part of the building I rarely frequent. Well, never. But that’s fine. There are plenty of people close by, so I feel safe. I really do.
“Have you always liked to cook?” I ask.
“I think? Um, I remember always being around when one of my dads was cooking since I was little and finding it cool.”
“My mom never let me cook. Dad would say that it’s a woman’s job.” I make a bitter grimace. Judging from the glance he gives me, Theo agrees.
“Some betas have weirdly strict gender roles.”
“Yeah. I don’t like it much, anyway. It’s a lot happening at once. Stresses me out. All the things that need to be checked at certain times so it all comes together…”
Theo grins. “That’s what’s fun about it. Turning a lot of nothing into something delicious.”
Before I can respond, he opens another door for me. This one leads to a small inset balcony. It’s almost like the architects chose a random office and replaced the outside wall with glass panels that span from the floor to about chest height. The ceiling from the floor above is still overhead, sheltering the area from the worst of the weather. The offices on either side are perfectly normal, and their walls enclose this unexpected outdoor space. There are a couple of metal benches and a few big planters with ferns that look like they've seen better days.
“Tadaaa!” he sings, presenting it with his hand.
“You sure nobody will mind us being here?” I ask while I walk out. It’s not too cold or windy, so I sit down, putting the container on top of my thighs. The balcony faces the east car park, with the tiny wooded area behind it.
Theo leans against the railing and rummages in his backpack. The exact moment I look down at the container, wondering how I’m going to eat, he pulls out two sets of cutlery with a sharp ‘Aha!’
“Thought of everything, huh?” I note with a crooked smile. He smiles back, a faint blush dancing on his cheeks. He passes the spoon to me and opens his container. “Are you going to eat standing up? You…ugh.” I let out a frustrated snort. “You can sit next to me, you know? It’s fine. I’m not…”
“I wasn’t sure. I didn’t want to push into your—”
“Friends can sit next to each other, can’t they?” I reply dryly, making sure to roll my eyes so Theo can see. It works well to hide the fact that my chest warms a little over how careful he’s being.
When I open the container, the food looks as good as it smells, if not better. Fresh baby spinach leaves and Parmesan are sprinkled on top as garnish. The sauce covering the rice is vibrant green and smooth as I stir everything together.
I take a spoonful in and my taste buds explode with flavor. Moaning, I close my eyes as I chew, feeling Theo’s gaze on me, but I don’t let it bother me.
“You like it then?” he asks with a quiet chuckle.
“Fuck. That’s divine.” I don’t care how unhinged I sound. I take another bite, savoring the creamy, rich dish. I guess risotto is my new favorite. Even the baby finally stops stirring and kicking, and I wonder if they can taste it. Probably not. I almost don’t want to admit it out loud, but… “This is the best thing to happen to me today,” I mutter, licking my lips.
Theo eats his portion next to me, but he doesn’t look nearly as affected. In fact, he barely seems interested in the food. In my endless pregnant hunger, I nearly ask him if he wouldn’t mind giving me his portion, too.
“How so?” Tender care pulses through his voice when he asks that. “Not having a good day?”
“No. Well, now I am.”
Theo doesn’t smile back. He looks at me like I’m some hurt puppy, so I stop eating and sigh. I never should’ve mentioned it. Of course he’s worried.
“Some days are harder to deal with than others,” I say quietly.
His eyes soften even more. I don’t want him to look at me that way. And yet…it’s hard to be angry at such a kind expression. His beautiful eyes search my face, lips pursed with concern. So I say nothing. I swallow any biting remarks and hang my head.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say.”
Me neither.
“Nothing more you can say.”
“Is there anything I can do? I could leave, if you’d like to be alone?”
With a scoff, I glare sharply at him. “If I were in a state where I couldn’t handle being around anyone, I wouldn’t have agreed to meet, would I? Do I look like I did in the restroom that one time?” Theo nearly flinches, as though I struck him, and I watch his expression morph from worry into panic. It makes me even more frustrated, so I turn away again and take a slow breath to bring my spiking pulse under control. “You are helping. The food is helping. It was, anyway. Before you started making that bleeding-heart face. I appreciate this. I just need you to stop acting like I’m made of glass or something.”
My stomach clenches. I hate myself for feeling this way. For saying those things in that sharp tone when all he’s trying to do is help.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers.
I sigh. “No, I am. I’m just… I haven’t been sleeping well. My nerves and my hormones are all over the place. Your delicious food and your…stupid face distracted me, so let’s get back to that, alright?”
Theo’s low laugh gives me the courage to look back at him. Finally, that pity seems to fade away. “Alright. I…I’m happy you like it.”
I’m nearly done with my meal, and I could probably do with ten more portions.
I’ve eaten too fast again. Can’t wait for the horrible heartburn.
For a few glorious minutes, we eat in silence. Just existing, breathing in the fresh air. People pass by in the hall but hardly pay us attention. Theo’s shoulder, while not touching me directly, radiates heat against mine, and it’s…comforting.
With a loud exhale, I lean back once I’m done and hold my belly. There’s already the slightest burn itching at the bottom of my stomach, but I don’t even care. It was delicious. I’ll gladly bear the consequences of gobbling up the heavenly risotto.
I turn to Theo. He’s finishing up the last few bites much slower than I did, like a normal person would. As if the food-induced delirium has worn off, my mind starts wandering in the wrong direction again. Toward doubts and unpleasant questions.
What am I even doing here?
What am I doing here with him?
“What is it?” he asks. I didn’t even realize I’d zoned out staring at him. I blink and notice his careful gaze that’s fixed on me. The wind sends his pheromones my way, and they’re tender, too.
I open my mouth, ready to push him away again, tell him it’s nothing, maybe even put the container down and go away so that I can brew in my negative emotions alone, but my phone starts vibrating in my pocket.
We both look toward it. I’m grateful for the distraction, at least until my face unlocks the screen and I see the notification on top.
‘Leave for a prenatal appointment,’ the alert says.
I blink in bewilderment at first, my mind fraying, before it hits me. “Shit. Shit!” I stand sharply, my cheeks prickling. “Fuck.”
“What’s going on?” Theo asks, nearly dropping his food.
How the hell could I forget? Goddamn stupid pregnancy brain!
At my last appointment, I didn’t arrange the follow-up because their system was down. The doctor said she wanted to see me twice a month now that I’m getting closer to the finishing line, so I set this date last minute, in a hurry. If I hadn’t put it in my phone, I would’ve missed it point blank.
“I…I have an appointment I completely forgot about,” I mumble, pacing across the balcony while rubbing my hand over my face. It’s not like it’s a big deal, but…it is a big deal.
I haven’t mentally prepared for this. Especially on a day like today, when I feel like any touch or slightest inconvenience might unravel me into a panicked mess.
Did I ask my supervisor for a longer lunch to go, or did I forget to do that, too? I can’t freaking remember!
“Hey, hey, hey,” Theo says to get my attention, voice firm but soft. I blink and look up, realizing he’s standing in front of me. His hands are stuck in the middle of the motion of reaching for my shoulders, which he…doesn’t. I swallow and step back, nodding with a slow inhale.
