Dr. Stewart shifts in her seat. “It might not be about that for him.” But Theo had looked taken aback when I said it. Disappointed, even. Was that all in my head? “It might just be who he is and how he treats people.” Yeah, sounds too good to be true. “Or it could be something more. This is clearly weighing on you, so maybe consider talking to him again when you’re in a public, safe place, where you feel confident, and ask. That way, you won’t need to rack your mind about it.”

  Sighing, I lean against the armrest of the couch.

  For the rest of the session, we talk about my week, how I’m managing work and other mundane things. Angel tells me that not every therapy session must devolve into tackling the most traumatizing, difficult topics, and some end up focusing on the more everyday concerns. She says we will take it as it goes and focus on what comes naturally, and I like that. I like not having to worry, with my stomach in knots, about coming here.

  I leave lighter than I walked in. Even if one thing—one person, rather—keeps floating at the forefront of my mind, and to my horror, he doesn’t burden me with his presence as much as he should.

  Chapter 10

  Sam

  For the next few days, I keep checking the door to my office, subconsciously anticipating Theo turning up, but he doesn’t. Maybe my note was enough to tell him to back off, even without actually meaning to. Or maybe I’m expecting him for no reason. Perhaps I saw more in it than it was, and like Dr. Stewart said, he’s only a giving, thoughtful guy being nice.

  The rest of the work week passes quietly. That is, besides me noticing how frequently I have to go to the toilet, and already getting annoyed by it. The joys of pregnancy.

  Still, I wouldn’t change it for anything.

  When I next go down for lunch with Kristoff, I feel myself becoming jittery, but not in the usual, anxiety-driven way. We sit down, eat, and my eyes keep flickering to the other side of the room while I zone out what the people around me are talking about. Finally, like I’ve found what I’ve been looking for without realizing it, I notice Theo at his regular table, and my heart hiccups inside my chest in response.

  I look down sharply before there’s a chance he can meet my eyes, and poke my fork into my potatoes, feeling that fluttering in my stomach again.

  Should I go say hi?

  The suspicious part of me says I should leave it and stay away, to be cautious, but the old me wouldn’t care. The old me would have gone to him and maybe even followed this unexplainable impulse to see him smile again. After all, I need positive alphas around me, and, well, right now, I can’t think of any better candidate.

  I don’t get the courage to act until there’s nothing left on my plate to distract myself with. Finally, I stand up and tell the others I’m taking my tray back, which is half the truth. Wishfully, I crane my head as I walk, hoping to still see him there.

  Theo’s chatting with his coworkers, carefree, his charming smile on display.

  He looks so young when he smiles, like some kid unspoiled by the world. I don’t even know how old he is. I know nothing about him.

  It might be just a coincidence, or he senses that he’s being watched, but when I hesitantly walk back toward my table, Theo’s head jerks to the side, and his intense gaze finds me.

  Feeling something jolt inside me, I raise my hand in a timid wave. Theo blinks, eyes wide, and waves back. He seems to panic in his silly sort of way, looking down at his plate, scanning his tray. He then quickly stands up with it. I suppress a smirk tugging at the corner of my lip. There’s still food on his plate, but something tells me he’s trying to act like he’s done so that he has an excuse to come and talk to me.

  This is so damn stupid. Endearing, but…stupid. Then again, my romantic pursuits always kind of were.

  I catch myself, surprised by my own thoughts. Romantic? No, no, this isn’t what that is, you hormonal idiot.

  And yet, the way Theo’s face lights up more and more the closer he gets to me, and how he dropped everything the second he saw me, makes me want to see it that way. Whispers to me that there’s no other way to look at it.

  “Hey,” he says once he stops in front of me. Thankfully, he saves me from making conversation with his abrupt, energetic questions that pour out like streaming water. “How are you feeling? Everything okay with, um, you and the baby?”

  Smiling faintly, I rest my hand over my belly, like I’ve been doing, as if it’s my emotional support animal or something, and nod. I expected people to act differently toward me, and they definitely do, but no one asks about the baby so genuinely and with such interest as he does. Even though it’s still inside me, it’s as if Theo sees us as two separate beings, rather than me just like a walking incubator.

  “We’re both fine, yeah.”

  “That’s good. Really good,” Theo says, nodding to himself and shifting on his feet.

  Every time our eyes lock, he holds my gaze for only a few seconds before evading it again. But then it’s like he can’t bear to stay away, so he glances at his feet and back at me.

  “When I was returning—” As the words start coming out of my mouth, I realize that Theo might not know about my voyage to Manufacturing, or that I was looking for him under the guise of giving back the plate, and I can feel my face flushing. Shit. Redirect. “Anyway, you were sick? Feeling better, I take it.”

  His brows shoot up. “Oh, yeah. It was nothing serious. Just a personal…thing. I’m totally fine now,” he blurts out, almost all at once. “Nothing you could get from me or anything. I know it can be bad for the baby to catch a cold and stuff when pregnant, so…yeah, all good.”

  I can’t help but chuckle. “Good. Just wanted to make sure.” I look around as I talk and notice some of the people from his table watching us. For some reason, it makes me more uneasy than the scent of coconut faintly drifting away from Theo, so I step back with a polite expression and nod. “Alright. See you around.”

  For a moment, it looks like Theo might reach out to me as I’m moving away. He doesn’t. Instead, he smiles awkwardly and raises his arm to mess with his hair.

  Kristoff stands by the entrance to the cafeteria, chatting up the girl he’s been interested in. A couple of other engineers are standing with them. I cock my brow in surprise when I realize he’s been waiting for me, and in turn, the entire group. “You didn’t have to,” I say as we all make our way out.

  “No problem.” Kristoff sounds as light as ever. He’s getting used to me just disappearing somewhere without saying anything, but he still cares enough to watch over me to a non-suffocating degree, which I appreciate.

  In the corner of my eye, I notice one of the guys watching me in a…suspiciously curious way. It sends prickles of unease down my back, but I ignore it. We all get into the elevator, and eight people definitely is at the higher end of my comfort level.

  “Sam?” the same man who looked at me weird moments ago asks, throwing my name out into the air with hesitancy that makes me even more nervous. Narrowing my eyes, I turn to him, trying my best to remember his name but failing.

  “Um, yeah?”

  Everyone else is part of the conversation now, even though they all try to act like they’re not paying attention. The elevator ride is short, but the time seems to stretch and slow with each passing second.

  “Do you have an alpha?” he asks lightly, cautiously, but not as tactfully as one probably should.

  Frowning, I feel my chest tighten. Who the fuck asks someone that out of the blue?

  “Why?”

  “Well, you know, considering—” He pauses, gesturing at my stomach. When I narrow my eyes at him even more, he finally starts showing some discomfort. “I saw you talking to that alpha from manufacturing, is all, and it made me wonder if…you know.”

  “And you were wondering if I was cheating? Because I talked to an alpha? Because I’m pregnant?” I say sharply, kind of amazed at his audacity.

  Kristoff next to me darts his eyes between us, looking pale and nervous. “What Daniel’s trying to say is that—”

  “No, I don’t have an alpha. People can be pregnant and single, didn’t you know?”

  Daniel hunches a little. “I know, I was… I didn’t mean to sound rude.”

  Well, you fucking did. Prick. I bite back the response and look away instead. When the elevator dings and the doors open, everyone stays in place, motionless, like they’re too entranced by our little drama to move.

  At least until someone takes a sharp breath, which finally serves as a signal for people to disperse. One could cut the awkwardness in the air with a knife. Flashing Daniel a scowl, I step out too, but then he clears his throat and I know it’s not over yet.

  “Hey, I got… I got cheated on recently, so I was just making sure. Especially considering, you know, things I hear from Manufacturing. I wasn’t accusing you, just—”

  I turn sharply. “What are you hearing from Manufacturing?”

  He and Kristoff glance at each other. We move aside for passersby to get into the elevator. With my arms crossed over my chest, I lean with my side against the wall and glare at him, letting Daniel know that I’m not leaving before he tells me what the hell he means.

  “Eh, nothing,” he says, shrugging. “I’m friends with one of the workers. He’s my sister’s brother-in-law and— What I’m trying to say is that I thought you and the blond guy were like…getting close.”

  Why would he think that? Because we talked together twice in the cafeteria? What the fuck?

  “Theo,” I mutter. “His name’s Theo.”

  I think he can read my thoughts on my face, because he continues. “Yeah, Theo. He…erm, it’s just that my friend was saying how all the guys make fun of him because he’s been all sappy, talking about fated mates and babies all of the sudden, and…well, he won’t tell anyone who it’s about, but it’s…pretty obvious.” My cheeks heat, only this time there’s an uncomfortable, nauseating sensation behind it. “Considering it started after you turned up and…ya know.” He shrugs awkwardly.

  I guess it is obvious, huh? He’s so damn awkward around me, and he—

  I swallow, glaring at the floor as my emotions swirl wildly inside my chest. I’ve allowed myself to be flattered by the interest of this sweet, clueless guy after the hell that’s been the past months without thinking about the most important thing: he’s an alpha. An alpha being interested in an omega means more than that. It’s an alpha being innately possessive of them.

  And that thought terrifies me.

  Drawing in a ragged breath, I mutter a quick, “It’s fine,” and dash toward my office, away from Kristoff and Daniel.

  I need safety. Silence. Solitude. I close the door behind me and turn the light off, leaving only the small lamp on my desk and the monitor on to illuminate the surroundings. Shaky, I sink into the chair, pressing my hands against my chest, as if that will somehow slow my pounding heart.

  “There are feelings we need to let settle before facing them,” Dr. Stewart told me at the end of our last session, when we talked about expectations. So, that is exactly what I do. This uncertainty and doubt and fear…I let them settle.

  I decide I will start bringing my own food and avoid going to the cafeteria unless I absolutely have to.

  All in an effort not to disturb them again.

  In our next session, I bring it up with Dr. Stewart. I don’t know if it’s stupid to talk about this instead of the more important topics, but she jumps on it right away and starts asking her usual questions.

  “Did his behavior make you feel like Theo is being obsessive?” she asks in that soft tone that beckons answers.

  “We’ve barely spoken to each other three times. Which is why it’s so…alarming that he…feels the way he does. If…it’s true.”

  “Which you can’t be quite sure, considering you didn’t hear it from him, right?”

  I nod.

  “How did you feel about him before you were told?”

  “Fine, I suppose. I— It’s stupid,” I say, shaking my head with an exasperated sigh. She raises her brows questioningly, so I expand on it. “I was kind of flattered, I guess. He was nice, and that’s a pretty low bar, but…I know I shouldn’t even be thinking about dating or anyone but myself and the baby right now.”

  “It’s not stupid to feel something natural. Human. Wanting others to find us desirable, wanting companionship, or support. There’s nothing wrong with that. Sometimes, healing can come with the help of a relationship. It isn’t easy to heal issues relating to feelings of being intimate with another person…alone. Of course, a safe partner is necessary for this, but gaining that trust with people is hard. Would I advise you to get into a relationship at this stage? Hard to say.” Her voice grows more cautious. “It wholly depends on how you feel about it, Sam. The reasons behind wanting to be with someone can range from simply enjoying their company and closeness, to using them as a coping mechanism and a way to avoid dealing with the root of the problem.”

  I don’t think I feel that way.

  No. I don’t want to get into a relationship, because… “It wouldn’t be fair to him.”

  She tilts her head slightly. “What do you mean by that?”

  Most of the time, my answers come out easily. Angel has this magical way about her that makes me want to open myself up to an unnatural degree. I don’t know if it’s her soft, non-judgmental voice, or the way she looks at me like I could say the most unhinged nonsense imaginable and she wouldn’t even blink.

  Right now, though, answering feels like she’s trying to pull out a tangled branch covered in thorns from my chest. I keep picking at the skin around my thumb, something I used to do when I was little.

  “He-he’s a young, good-looking guy. He’ll lose interest, anyway. And I don’t want him to…”

  The words dissolve on my tongue, scattering back into the chaotic mess of my mind.

  There’s this thick, black tar covering what is the metaphorical entrance to my heart. Not because I see myself as dirty or tainted after what they did, but I am…broken. There’s no ignoring that fact. Even if someone were to overlook what they did to me, that tar remains.

  Sure, it won’t be there forever. It will fade—like my bruises faded, and like the worst of the mental and physical pain did. I know that. But it’s something the first person to come after will inevitably have to step into, no matter what. The first person to touch me after them. The first person to kiss me, to make me comfortable enough to be naked or sexual or close. They’ll be tainted by it. By me.

  Deep down, I know I’ll be able to experience all of that again and enjoy it, but that first person will be the one to bear the brunt of all the goddamn baggage and pain and disappointment. They’ll have to deal with the worst of my flashbacks, my emotional outbursts, my inner confusion, and more likely than not, that relationship won’t survive.

  I don’t want Theo to be that person.

  I don’t know why I feel this way—I don’t even know him, goddammit—but it wouldn’t be fair to him. That’s what keeps playing in my head, over and over again.

  “Don’t want him to hurt my feelings when he does,” I finally finish the sentence, swallowing up the truth. “So I’d better just stay away.”

  Dr. Stewart studies me pensively. I wonder if she can detect that I’m guarding my real thoughts. I don’t think she can, but the way she looks makes me uneasy. Like when lying to a parent or a teacher and knowing they see through it…

  When she shifts and writes something in her notepad, I relax a little. “If that is what you feel is best for you at this moment, keep your distance. Without feeling guilty. You do not owe him anything, no matter his feelings. You should always choose yourself first, Sam.”

  Maybe if the timing were different. Maybe then, if there weren’t the doubt and guilt weighing on me, it would be worth a try.

  “Yeah. I should…choose myself.”

  It’s better that way. Even if it doesn’t feel like it.

  Chapter 11

  Theo

  The old man Mickey’s retirement party turns out to be exactly the Friday evening distraction I’ve been needing. Since I ended it, I’ve got dozens of messages from friends Emily and I shared. I don’t know what she told them, but it was convincing enough for them to believe I was an asshole who broke up with her in the most horrible way possible. None of them were real friends, not really. I’ve decided not to even try to get my truth out there, so that I don’t slip back into that whole mess, but it still sucks.

  I barely have time to think about it now. Mickey has been at the company long before I started. In fact, it almost seems like he’s part of the place, the same as the metal beams above and the solid concrete floor below. For an old guy, he always had a scary knowledge of all the technology, including the newest machines and software. Even supervisors have been going to him for advice, and one thing about Mickey is that he never turns anyone down.

  And thanks to this fame of his, he’s been popular with just about everybody. He’s been one of the few friendly links between Manufacturing and Engineering.

  As a result, the pub is packed to the brim with so many people it feels like half the company’s here. Mostly guys from manufacturing, but also a bunch of office people and even those fancy creatures from HR seen only when something’s wrong.

  Even Madison’s here, which is unusual, considering how much she hates social outings. But I guess the old man Mickey wasn’t helpful only to me in his years of working at the company.

  Not long after I started, I made a massive error. Mickey jumped in to help me without hesitation. What could have been a huge issue was quickly fixed by him, and I always respected him for that. I didn’t even have to ask. He just appeared like some guardian angel and did what he could.

  The room fills with music, loud chatter, laughter, and the clinking of glasses. And the party is only beginning. More people keep coming in, joining us at the spacious U-shaped area that the pub’s staff made for us by pushing several tables together.

 

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