Collective Identity, page 26
part #4 of Commitment Series
Cat was a total wreck, in nearly as much pain as Billie as she crawled over to her wife and laid her head down on Billie's cheek. Billie was so distraught, that Cat wasn't sure she even realized where she was.
"Billie, sweetheart," Cat said, kissing her cheek. "Sweetheart, talk to me, please."
Billie blinked her eyes, focusing on Cat. "Cat," she said softly.
"I'm here love. I'm right here," Cat said, brushing the bangs off her forehead.
"Laurel?" Billie asked.
Hearing her name, Laurel rose from her position on the bench and approached her distraught daughter, kneeling on the ground in front of her. "I'm here too, Billie," she said.
Billie reached out her hand to Laurel, who took it into her own and held it close to her heart. Tears streamed down Laurel's face as Billie smiled at her.
"Come on, up you go," said Cat as she and Laurel helped Billie to her feet and walked her over to the bench. The three women sat there for a long time, desperately clinging to each other, trying to reaffirm their places in each other's lives, Billie in the middle, bookended by Cat on her right and Laurel on her left. No words passed between them, save the silent communication of their hearts.
Chapter 27
Cat and Billie pulled up to the curb in front of Laurel’s home and shut off the engine then turned around in their seats to face Laurel in the back seat.
Laurel looked at the two women and once more marveled at the intensity of love she felt between them. It was the type of love that was rare between a man and a woman… a type of love that was only possible between two people who touched one another's souls on a purely intimate level. It was a type of love so intense, it was tangible.
“Laurel,” Billie said. “Would you consider flying to South Carolina with Cat and me tomorrow?”
“South Carolina?” Laurel questioned, glancing back and forth between Cat and Billie for an explanation. “Is that where you live?”
“No. It’s where someone very special lives, someone who has been waiting fifty-five years to see you. It’s your own mother, Laurel. Like I said yesterday, she and Billie both have been looking for you,” Cat explained.
The fear that crossed Laurel’s face was a carbon copy of the one on Billie’s face a day earlier when they stood on Laurel’s front porch for the first time.
“Tomorrow? I… I will have to arrange for time off from work, and then there’s Jim and Dylan to think about,” Laurel stammered.
Billie immediately read Laurel’s hesitation as a reluctance to meet her own birth mother. “Well, maybe some other time then,” she said in disgust as she started to turn back around in her seat.
“No!! No, Billie. I want to go,” Laurel exclaimed as she reached out to touch Billie’s arm. “I want to see her. Heaven knows I have spent my entire life wondering where I came from, and who I look like. No, Billie, don’t read my hesitation as reluctance. Please. I want desperately to go. Your question just took me by surprise,” Laurel exclaimed in her own defense.
“So you’ll go, then?” Billie confirmed.
“Yes, of course,” Laurel replied. “I just need to make arrangements, and I have a lot of explaining to do to both Jim and Dylan,” Laurel explained.
Billie looked again at her mother. “Does Jim know about me?” she asked.
“No he doesn’t. I was too ashamed to tell anyone. It has been a very difficult secret to keep all of these years,” Laurel said, looking Billie straight in the eyes. “Billie, I am not ashamed that I gave birth to you. Please don’t ever think that, but I am horribly ashamed that I threw away the most precious gift I have ever had. It is not something I am proud of. I only hope the love Jim and I share is strong enough to endure this revelation.”
Billie frowned, wondering for at least the tenth time if this trip had been a good idea.
“Laurel,” she said, “We didn’t come here to ruin your life. Please don’t do anything that will put your marriage in jeopardy.”
“Billie, if there is one thing I am sure of, its Jim’s love for me. He has always been supportive of anything that makes me happy. Sure, it will be a shock to him, but you came into my life long before I met him, so this is not a matter of infidelity. He’s a good man, Billie, and given time, I’m sure he will welcome you and your family with open arms,” Laurel explained.
Billie’s eyes narrowed into small slits. “What is it you’re not telling me, Laurel?” she asked.
Laurel looked at Cat for support.
“Billie,” Cat said before Laurel could speak. “Jim has an issue with our lifestyle,” Cat explained as gently as she could.
Billie’s eyebrows shot into her hairline. “Oh really?” she said before turning to Laurel. “And why’s that?” she asked.
“I don’t know. He refuses to talk about it. Don’t get me wrong. He doesn’t actively detest gays. He just prefers not to deal with the issue. I am so glad Dylan never developed the same attitude,” Laurel said.
“So what will Jim think about us showing up on your doorstep, and what do you think he’ll say about you coming to South Carolina with us?” Cat asked. “He won’t try to stop you, will he?” she added cautiously.
“Heavens, no!” Laurel replied. “He would never stand in the way of something I want to do. He’s not a tyrant, Cat. His views on gay relationships may need a little work, but otherwise, he’s very open-minded.”
Going out on a limb, Billie asked, “Do you think he’d considering going to dinner tonight?”
Laurel looked at her daughter. “I don’t know, but I will ask him. I’ll call you at the hotel in about a half hour, okay?”
“The offer still stands for you and Dylan, even if Jim chooses not to come,” Billie commented.
“Fair enough. I’ll call you soon,” Laurel replied as she climbed out of the car and stood by Billie’s window.
Billie quickly rolled the window down and looked up at her mother.
“Do you know your flight number to South Carolina so I can call the airline to see if there are any more seats available?” Laurel asked.
Cat leaned over Billie to answer her mother-in-law’s question. “Actually, we haven’t made reservations yet. We were waiting to see if you’d go. Why don’t you let us make them for all three of us, okay?” Cat reasoned.
Laurel immediately opened her purse to dig out her credit card. Before she could reach inside, Billie’s hand shot out and closed the purse.
“Billie…” Laurel began.
“Don’t worry about it,” Billie replied.
Laurel leaned in and placed a light kiss on Billie’s cheek. “Thank you,” she said. “I’ll call you within a half-hour about dinner.”
Billie just nodded as Cat said goodbye. Moments later, they pulled away from the curb as Laurel watched them drive away.
As promised, a half-hour later Laurel called their hotel room and confirmed dinner plans for that evening. As Jim would not be home from work for several hours yet, she was unable to commit for him, but she did confirm that Dylan would be coming along. She also confirmed that not only she, but Dylan as well, would be flying to South Carolina the next day. Laurel surprised them by announcing she had already made reservations for the four of them, leaving at three p.m. the next afternoon.
* * *
Since dinner was several hours away, Billie and Cat relaxed in their hotel room. Cat held Billie in her arms. Billie's head lay on her shoulder, their legs entwined and her arm thrown across Cat's waist. As they waited, they talked about their meeting with Laurel.
"I was very proud of you Billie. How do you feel, love?" Cat asked.
"I'm tired, Cat. My eyes burn, my chest hurts, but my heart feels lighter, cleansed," Billie replied.
Cat smiled and kissed Billie's forehead. "Does that mean you've forgiven Laurel?" she asked.
"It means the anger is gone. Some of the hurt is still here, but I guess in time, it too will fade," Billie answered. "Does that mean I forgive her? I don't know, Cat. What I do know, is that I understand her pain and sense of loss. I understand it, because I share it," she said.
Cat nodded her head. "I'm glad she and Dylan are flying to Charleston with us tomorrow. Grams is so anxious to meet Laurel. Imagine, Billie, just imagine after fifty-five years, finding the daughter you thought had died during childbirth," Cat said incredulously.
"Maybe something good will come of this search after all, love," Billie said.
"Something good has already come of it, Billie. You have your mother, and a brother you didn't know existed. You've always wanted siblings. Now you've got one," Cat pointed out.
Billie grinned when she thought of Dylan standing up to her when they appeared on Laurel's doorstep yesterday. "Yeah, a little brother. I kind of like that idea," she said.
"Do you realize, love, that yesterday morning, you were an orphan, and today, you not only have a mother, but a brother and stepfather! Do you think Jim will come to dinner with us tonight?" Cat asked.
"No, I don't think so. I'm not sure if he'll ever warm up to us, Cat. Only time will tell," Billie observed, yawning.
"Sleep, love. You've had a very emotional afternoon. We all have," Cat said. "I love you, Billie. Thank you for pulling the thorn out of my soul."
Billie lifted her head and placed a gentle kiss on Cat's cheek. "You're welcome, Cat. I love you too," she said.
Soon, both women were fast asleep.
Chapter 28
As suspected, Jim was not with Laurel and Dylan when they met the ladies at the restaurant. Laurel shrugged her shoulders when Billie asked her about it.
“I told him about you, about your conception and birth, and about how painful it was to give you up. He was shocked of course, like I knew he would be. He was quiet for a while then just when I had my fingers chewed down to the first knuckle he wrapped his arms around me and asked me to explain everything to him. By the time I was finished, he was misty-eyed and fully encouraged me to go with you tomorrow,” Laurel explained.
“So then, why isn’t he here with you tonight?” Billie challenged.
Laurel looked down at her hands, searching for the right words. “For as long as I’ve known him, he’s had a problem with homosexuality,” Laurel explained. “For the life of me, I don’t know why. He adamantly refuses to discuss it.”
“Let me get this straight, he is encouraging you and your son to fly off with a couple of people he has never met? That sounds a bit odd to me, Laurel,” Billie commented.
Laurel met Billie’s eyes and read the challenge in them. “Billie,” she said. “You and Cat are not casual acquaintances. You are my daughter, and Cat is my daughter-in-law. Despite the obvious anger you harbor for me, and heaven knows I sorely deserve it, I have no reason to fear you. Jim trusts my judgment, and besides, Dylan added his voice to the discussion, and verified that neither you, nor Cat was an axe murderer,” she said with a twinkle in her eye, trying desperately to end the discussion on a light note.
Despite Billie’s best intentions, a small grin formed at the corner of her mouth at her mother’s attempt at humor. She looked at her brother. "Thanks, Dyl," she said. "I appreciate your vote of confidence."
"No problem, Sis. The way I see it, this situation is a result of some unfortunate circumstances that happened thirty-some-odd years ago. We all deserve to know our roots, regardless of how things came to be the way they are today, including Mom. And besides, I'm kind of looking forward to meeting my grandmother."
"Well, hold on to your britches, you're in for a treat!" Cat exclaimed.
Any further attempt to discuss the issue was thwarted by the arrival of the waiter.
* * *
At dinner that evening, the three women, and Dylan talked about Alex and Jo.
“I’m really nervous about tomorrow,” Laurel admitted.
“I know exactly how you feel, Laurel,” Billie replied. “But there is no need to worry. Alex and Jo are wonderful.”
Laurel cocked her head to the side. “Alex and Jo?” she questioned.
Billie quickly looked at Cat. Both women thinking the same thing at the same time.
“Ah… yeah. Alex and Jo. It's short for Alexandra and Josephine, although Grams likes to call Josephine, Josie,” Cat explained, watching Laurel’s reaction carefully.
Laurel’s eyes grew as big as saucers, but silence prevailed as she sat dumbfounded.
Dylan’s head snapped up. “Hey! Those are both women’s names!” he said, stating the obvious. Then, as the meaning suddenly dawned on him, he asked in a loud and excited voice, “Holy Shit! Are they like… you two?”
Billie and Cat both nodded their heads as their attention bounced between Laurel and Dylan, trying to gauge their reactions.
“Oh, my!” Laurel said, suddenly finding her voice as she reached for her water glass. “I need a drink. Waiter!” she added, waving her hand in the direction of the wait-staff.
Billie spontaneously broke into laughter as Cat, Laurel and Dylan looked at her oddly.
“Don’t look at me like that!” Billie said to Cat between chuckles. “Between the ‘Oh, my!’ and ‘I need a drink’, she sounds just like both Alex and Jo. She is surely Alexandra Spirakis’ daughter!”
Still struggling to make sense of the information she had just been given, Laurel shook her head. “So, Alex is my mother?”
“She certainly is,” Cat replied, smiling broadly. “Even a blind man could see the resemblance.”
“I look like her?” Laurel asked, her interest peaked about these two ladies.
“Exactly. In fact, it was Billie’s resemblance to Alex that made us all suspicious about Alex’s daughter. You see, she was told that you were stillborn. She never saw you. For the past fifty-five years, she has had the feeling that you were still alive, and seeing Billie was the icing on the cake for her. Billie’s resemblance to Alex–through you–is what sparked this search,” Cat explained.
“Spirakis… Spirakis. Isn’t that Greek?” Laurel asked.
“It sure is. And Jo’s last name is Wycliffe,” Billie replied.
“So, what are they like?” Laurel wanted to know.
Billie and Cat looked at each other and smiled broadly, causing Laurel to raise her eyebrows and wonder just what kind of family she was born into.
“They are the most unlikely pair I have ever seen,” Billie replied.
“You can say that again!” exclaimed Cat. “Like we said, Alex is an older version of you and Billie, at least in appearance. She is tall and slim with piercing blue eyes and thick black hair, graying with age, that flows to the middle of her back when she wears it down, which is almost never. Her mannerisms on the other hand are as far from Billie as you can get in some ways. You see, Alexandra Spirakis is your typical southern belle. She is very feminine and dainty, always dressed as though they were throwing a formal party. She is very matronly, and very proper. Her voice is velvety and heavily laden with Southern charm and etiquette, and never a cuss word passes her lips.”
“And Jo…,” Billie interjected. “Jo is a streetwise Yankee rebel. If you and I look like Alex, then Cat is Jo’s younger twin. She’s about Cat’s height, has shoulder length graying red-gold hair and an attitude bigger than both of us,” Billie said, laughing heartily.
“Oh, and lest we forget, she swears like a sailor, and she’s full of the devil. In fact, within minutes of meeting me, she pinched my butt! Of course, that was before she knew she was my grandmother!”
Billie had to pause to control her laughing before continuing. “Oh god, that woman is funny. They are complete opposites. Alex is feminine; Jo is butch. Alex is quiet, Jo is loud and boisterous. Alex is always coifed to perfection, Jo’s ordinary attire consists of Khaki trousers, button-down shirt and a tattered fedora. Alex is a perfect lady, Jo is crass and roguish. About the only thing they have in common is their love for each other,” Billie finished.
“They sound cool!” Dylan exclaimed. “How long have they been together?” he asked.
“Over fifty years,” Cat replied, watching an expression of awe cross the faces of both Laurel and Dylan.
“So they met after I was born,” Laurel observed.
“Actually, no. They met for the first time during the Viet Nam war when Jo was on loan from the Citadel to the Navy. Alex was a linguist, and an American liaison for the Greek government. They were assigned to work together to break a secret code that saved the lives of countless troops. Alex became pregnant with you about a year after she came home from that assignment. They met again at a history convention about three years after your birth,” Cat explained.
Laurel sat in quiet contemplation for a few moments, absorbing what Billie and Cat had told her about her mother. Finally, she looked once more at her daughter and asked, “Who is my father?”
Billie and Cat looked at each other solemnly before Billie answered. “I think that’s a question you need to ask Alex,” she said. “Just know that there were circumstances surrounding your conception and birth that left Alex devastated. Know also that if things had turned out differently, you would have been raised under a huge umbrella of love. They have such incredible capacity for love. You’ll feel it the moment you are in their presence,” Billie finished, emotion choking her voice.
Laurel reached out and covered Billie’s hand with her own. “Billie,” she said softly. If things had worked out differently, there would be no you, and there would be no Cat, or Seth, or Tara, or Skylar to grace my golden years. You are worth everything I have endured in my life. I just hope you will give me the chance to be the mother I should have been thirty-two years ago. I very much want to be a part of your family. Yours and Cat's… and Alex and Jo’s.”
