Collective Identity, page 24
part #4 of Commitment Series
Laurel narrowed her eyes in a gesture so much like Billie that Cat had to restrain herself from reaching out and touching her face. "Who?" she asked.
"Your own mother," Cat said as she climbed into the car.
Laurel stood there, dumbstruck as Cat drove away.
Chapter 25
Billie slept for several hours. While she was sleeping, Cat spent her time making phone calls.
"Hey Jen," she said when her friend picked up the phone.
"Cat! How are things going? Did you find Billie’s mom?" she asked before Cat had a chance to ask about the kids.
"Whoa! First things first," she said. "How are the kids? Are they driving you crazy yet?" Cat asked.
"The kids are fine, Cat. They’re all in the pool right now with Fred. So, spill it. Did you find Billie’s mom?" she asked again.
"Oh yeah, we found her all right," Cat replied.
"And…?" Jen prompted.
"It was awful, Jen. It definitely did not go well. Billie was so angry with her," Cat explained.
"Uh, oh! I’ve seen Billie angry," Jen commented. "I can just imagine how it went."
"No, Jen, you can’t. It was worse than bad. Let’s just say that Billie worked herself into a grand mal seizure right there in Laurel’s living room," Cat said.
"Oh god, no!" Jen gasped. "Is she okay?"
"She’s sleeping it off right now. I knew what was happening, but she nearly scared Laurel and Dylan to death," Cat replied.
"Dylan? Who’s that?" Jen asked.
"Billie’s brother. Half-brother, that is," Cat said. "He has Billie’s eyes and height, but otherwise he must look like his father. Oh, and speaking of his father, the man apparently is an extreme homophobe."
"Wow! Maybe the two of you should just catch the next flight home and put this behind you," Jen suggested. "It sounds like Billie may be in for a lot of heartache if she continues with this much further."
"I’ve been thinking the same thing, my friend, but it’s really Billie’s call. If she wants to pursue this, I will support her, but it is ultimately her call," Cat explained.
"You’re right, of course. Wish her luck for me, okay?" Jen asked.
"I will Jen. Look, I still have to call Grams with the news, so I gotta go," Cat replied.
"All right, girlfriend. Kiss the big guy for me and then kick her in the ass for pushing herself too hard. I’ll talk to you later. Love you!" Jen said.
"Love you too, Jen. Bye," Cat replied before hanging up the phone.
The call to Alex was difficult. Alex was elated that they had found her daughter, but disturbed by the confrontation between her and Billie.
"Grams, it was awful. Billie was so angry and hurtful. Laurel tried very hard to calm her and to explain what had happened all those years ago, but Billie just wouldn't let her," Cat explained. "The worst part is that Billie worked herself up into such an emotional tizzy, that she fell into another seizure, right there in front of Laurel. Of course, not knowing what was wrong, Laurel was beside herself with worry when it happened. I had to get her out of there," Cat finished.
"Caitlain, where is Billie now? Is she all right?" Alex asked.
"She's fine. She's sleeping right here beside me. The seizures take a lot out of her, Grams. I don't know how long she'll be out this time," Cat said.
"Well, I think Josie and I should get on a plane right now and join you," Alex said.
"Grams, I know you're anxious to see Laurel, but I think we need to resolve the problems between her and Billie first, before we add another contestant. I told Laurel that you were looking for her. She doesn't know any more than that yet. We didn't have time for more, I had to get Billie back to the hotel and put her to bed," Cat finished.
"I understand, Caitlain. Do you think you'll see Laurel again before you leave?" Alex asked hopefully.
"I don't know. She wants to see Billie again. She said there were so many things Billie doesn't know," Cat said.
"What are you going to do next?" Alex asked.
"I'm going to wait for Billie to wake up and then talk to her about Laurel. If she wants to go home, I'll make the reservations immediately. If she wants to see Laurel again, I'll call and set it up. It all depends on Billie right now," Cat finished.
"I really do understand, Caitlain. Please give Billie our love."
* * *
Cat was standing in front of the window looking out over the lake when Billie awoke and called out her name.
Cat turned around. "Hey! How are you feeling?" she asked. She sat on the edge of the bed and affectionately brushed the hair off Billie's forehead.
"Tired, weak, headachy. I had another seizure, didn't I?" Billie asked.
Cat nodded her head.
Billie rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling. “I’m sorry,” she said.
Cat kissed Billie on the forehead. Sensing the woman needed to speak, she remained quiet.
"Cat," Billie continued, "maybe I should give up this quest and go home. May I should just let Alex deal with it if she wants, but maybe looking for my mother was a mistake," she said.
Cat climbed onto the bed and laid on her stomach, propping herself up on her forearms so that she could look at Billie as she talked. "Do you really want to do that after you've come this far?" she asked.
Billie looked at Cat, confusion etched deeply into her face. "I need your advice. What should I do?" she asked.
"Well," Cat said. "Part of me wants to pack you up and take you home. The seizure you had earlier today was pretty strong and you scared the hell out of Laurel and Dylan. Oh, and by the way, I called Jen while you were sleeping to check on the kids, and she told me to kick you in the ass for working yourself into a tizzy. Remind me to do that later,” Cat said, causing Billie to chuckle.
"The other part of me," Cat continued, "would like you to give Laurel the chance to say her piece. You were a little rough on her this afternoon, Billie. She wants desperately for a chance to explain why she made the choices she did. You've come so far in this search, love. I think you owe it to yourself to listen to what she has to say," Cat suggested.
"You think so?" Billie asked.
"Yes, I do. Once you know the truth, you can decide for yourself if you can live with it. If not, we can put this behind us and go on with our lives. If you can live with it, you'll have found your mother, and your life will be richer for it. I can't make this decision for you, love, but whatever you decide, I will support you," Cat finished.
Billie ran her forefinger down the side of Cat's face. Nodding, she said, "You're right. If I don't give her the chance to explain, I'll spend the rest of my life wondering. I'll call and ask her to dinner. Is that all right with you?" she asked Cat.
Cat thought for a moment. Dinner was a nice idea. It would give them a chance to talk socially, on neutral ground, and get to know one another a little better before jumping into the private details of their lives. After dinner, they could find a nice quiet place to talk, and hopefully, by the end of the evening, Billie would have her answers, and they would be able to make a decision about how to proceed with their lives, with or without Laurel.
"Do you want to call her now?" Cat asked.
Billie nodded as she sat up and reached for the phone.
Cat dug the phone number out of the pocket of her jeans and handed it to Billie, who accepted it with shaky hands.
"Do you want me to make the call for you, Billie?"
"No, Cat. I have to do this myself," she said as she dialed the number.
"Hello?" a man's voice said from the other end of the phone.
"Hello, may I speak to Laurel, please?" Billie asked, thinking to herself that this was not Dylan she was talking to.
"May I ask whose calling?" the man said.
"Billie," she supplied.
"Hold on," came the reply.
Moments later, a breathless Laurel answered the phone. "Billie?" she said cautiously.
"Yes, Laurel, this is Billie. First let me apologize for the way I treated you earlier. I didn't give you a chance to explain, and for that I am sorry," Billie said. "Cat and I would like to take you to dinner tonight if you're free. I think we have a lot to talk about. I'd like to start over and do this civilly," she added.
"Yes, I would like that, and Billie, I have so much to say to you, so much to explain. Thank you for giving me the chance to do that," Laurel said.
"Cat and I will pick you up at six, okay? Since you know the area, we'll depend on you to select a restaurant. All right then, we'll see you at six," Billie said before hanging up.
Billie took a deep breath and looked at Cat. "It's a start," she said.
Cat just nodded and smiled.
* * *
The atmosphere at dinner was very tense, filled with polite "safe" conversation, during which they learned of one another’s jobs, hobbies and interests. Billie learned more about her brother, Dylan. Twenty-five years old, he had just completed his degree in veterinary medicine and was now starting to establish a practice. Finally dinner was over and a decision needed to be made about whether to depart company or to continue getting acquainted.
As they walked back toward the car, Billie stopped before reaching for the passenger door handle. "Would you like to come back to our room to talk, or would you like us to bring you home?" she asked Laurel.
Without hesitation, Laurel opted for the first choice. "Please, let's talk. I have so much I need to say to you."
Billie opened the door and slid into the car. Soon, they were on their way back to the hotel.
The first thing Laurel noticed when they entered the hotel room, was the fact that there was only one bed. The thought ran through her mind that she would have to accept and get used to the fact that her daughter was gay if she hoped to be part of her life.
Cat climbed onto the bed and sat cross-legged as Billie stood by the window. Laurel perched herself in the room's only chair. For a long moment, silence permeated the air, making Laurel squirm in her seat. Finally, she took the initiative to start the conversation.
"Billie, I know you must hate me, and you have every right to at this point, but please let me explain what drove me to make the choices I did thirty-two years ago when I gave you up for adoption," she started.
Billie abruptly turned away from the window. "You sold me, Mother," she said.
"Billie, please give her a chance to explain," Cat said.
"No, Cat, she's right. I did sell her. That act is the one thing I regret most in my life. I know now that no amount of money in the world is worth losing a child over. It was a hard lesson to learn," she said.
"Then why? Why did you do it? Cat and I have three children and I would die for any one of them. I could never, ever give them up," Billie said passionately.
Laurel wiped a tear from the corner of her eye, rose from her chair and started to pace.
"I'm not sure where to start," she said to herself as she continued her trek back and forth across the room. Finally, she stopped and looked at Billie. "I guess I'll start with my own childhood. A lot of what happened there drove me to make the decisions I did."
Laurel took a deep breath and began her story.
"I knew from an early age that I was adopted. My mother tried very hard to make it sound like I was a heaven sent gift to her and my father. She was a good mother and a loyal wife. She gave me unconditional love. My father, on the other hand, sent a completely different message. He was harsh and strict, ruling our home with an iron hand, liberally administering punishment whenever he felt it was warranted. He was never a very affectionate man, at least not in the way a father is supposed to be with his daughter," she said. "But he was a good provider."
Immediately, a suspicious look passed between Cat and Billie. Their attention was drawn back to Laurel as she continued.
"Unfortunately, he didn't realize that it wasn't his financial support that I needed, it was his love, and not the kind of warped love he offered. You see, he started molesting me when I was thirteen."
Billie's fists clenched in anger as Laurel continued. "It started out innocently enough. A few inappropriate touches here and there, an occasional kiss that was just a little too intimate to be coming from my father. By the time I was fifteen, he became bolder, coming into my room at night and touching me while he masturbated."
"Oh god!" Cat said as she rose from the bed and into Billie's arms. The words coming out of Laurel's mouth were making her ill.
"I'm sorry, Cat. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this," Laurel said.
"No. No, go on, please. The healing has to start somewhere. I'll be all right," Cat said as she hugged Billie's waist a little tighter.
"All right," Laurel said. "As I was saying, he became bolder and bolder as the years went on. I was seventeen the first time he actually penetrated me."
"Why didn't you tell your mother, Laurel?" Billie asked.
"I did," she said. "Billie, you need to understand something. My father was a very domineering man. He had total control of his household, and he kept it that way through brute force. Both my mother and I fell victim to his tirades on several occasions. Neither of us dared to cross him, for fear of the punishment that would surely follow. I told my mother about the abuse, but what could she do?" Laurel reasoned.
"She could have taken you and left," Billie supplied angrily.
"Billie, she was uneducated and totally dependent on him. In her mind, she had no choice. I don't fault her for her reasoning. She just didn't know any better." An uncomfortable silence fell over the room for the next few moments.
While Laurel gathered her thoughts, Billie led Cat over to the bed and sat down, her back propped against the headboard. Cat crawled up and sat between her legs, her back resting up against Billie's chest, Billie's chin resting on the top of her head. Finally, Laurel was ready to speak again.
"Okay, where was I...oh yes, I was seventeen the first time he raped me. I felt so dirty and guilty. He convinced me that it was my fault and that if I told anyone, I would be ridiculed and considered a slut and a whore by everyone I told. If I resisted him, he beat me. I was miserable. The rapes continued at a rate of once or twice a week until I left home to go to college about a year and a half later. I was thrilled to be out of the house, but I worried the whole time about what my mother was enduring while I was gone. Her letters indicated things were fine, but by then, she was a master at putting on a good front for the public. She worked very hard hiding my father's sins for several years."
Laurel paused to catch her breath and noticed that Cat had shifted, and was now curled up in a fetal position in Billie's arms. Billie was wrapped around the smaller woman as though protecting her from something. Frowning, Laurel wondered if there was some significance behind the move, but put the thought aside to continue her story.
When I was twenty-one, I came home between the two semesters of my senior year. He couldn't even make it through my first night home before falling into his old habits, only this time I couldn't take it anymore. The next morning, I left and returned to school to stay on campus for the rest of the break. Little did I know at the time, that one night had changed my life forever. By the time the semester break ended nearly a month later, I realized I was pregnant."
Billie gasped, causing Cat to nearly jump out of her skin. She leaned forward, with Cat still in her arms. "Laurel, are you telling me that the man who adopted you is my father?" she asked.
Cat cringed, remembering the abusive tone he had used with Julia when she had called to find Laurel.
Laurel looked directly at Billie. "Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. Your father is Howard McGuire."
Billie sat back again, leaned her head against the headboard and closed her eyes.
My god, she thought. How would I have handled that? Could I have raised a child that was forced upon me like that? A child that was the product of incest?
As Billie contemplated these thoughts, another one entered her mind. Cat had endured being raped, and lovingly accepted the child that resulted from it, our beautiful Skylar, and now, I can't imagine life without her.
In her mind, Billie reasoned if Cat had the strength and courage to keep her child, then Laurel should have had as well.
Laurel continued with her story. "So, here I was, twenty-one years old, no job, no home. I was too ashamed to return to classes when the spring semester started, so I dropped out of school. I held various odd jobs, including waiting tables and bar tending, but I wasn't able to hold any of them for very long, especially when my employers discovered I was pregnant. I couldn't return home. My father had banned me from the house, probably afraid that I would reveal him as the father of my child. Instead, he convinced the family that I was, in his words, a bad seed, and that I had gotten myself in trouble like the slut he had always warned me I would be. I had nowhere to go, and in my mind, I had no hope and no future, so I fell in with a bad group of people. Soon, I was involved with drugs and alcohol. The night you were born, Billie, I was so high on drugs, that I don't even remember the birth. When you had that seizure at my home earlier today, I was afraid that you had been born with epilepsy as a result of my drug abuse when I carried you. I would have never forgiven myself for that."
Laurel rose from her chair and walked over to the window. Her back was to Billie and Cat, but they could tell that she was crying when she lifted her right hand to wipe her eyes. Cat sat up and looked at Billie, compassion in her eyes for this woman who was obviously in tremendous pain with her memories.
Laurel continued, her back still to the two women on the bed. Her voice was shaky from tears she was trying so desperately to hold back. "When you were born, Billie, I named you Suzanne. It was such a pretty name, and you were such a beautiful baby. I tried to keep you, truly, I did. You were three months old before I finally gave you up. I couldn't support you. My drug habit was more powerful than my maternal instincts, I guess."
