Collective Identity, page 25
part #4 of Commitment Series
Laurel paused to choke back a sob, her shoulders shaking under the strain.
"You were hungry all the time, you cried constantly. Hell, we didn't even have a home. We were living in a flop-house full of other drug addicts. My body was desperate for the drugs I had come to depend on. So I did the only thing I could think of. I sold you. I sold my child for drug money!" she proclaimed, finally breaking down as violent sobs wracked her body.
Billie was there to catch her as she sank to the floor. Strong arms wrapped around the weeping woman, holding her and, rocking her as they both cried out their anguish, shedding tears of lost memories they would never share.
Cat was a total wreck, sitting on the bed, knees drawn up to her chest, arms wrapped around them tightly as she too shed tears of regret. Billie looked up from her position on the floor and saw the naked pain in her wife's eyes. Reaching out a hand, she motioned for Cat to join her. Soon, all three women were sitting on the floor wrapped in each other's arms as they poured their pain into a common font of cleansing.
* * *
The drive back to Laurel's home was relatively quiet, the two women in the car barely speaking at all. Cat came to a stop in front of the house and turned off the ignition. She turned in her seat and looked at Laurel. "Are you all right?" she asked.
Laurel turned her head to look at Cat. "I've been better," she said. "But I'm more concerned about how Billie is."
"Billie is a very strong woman, Laurel. There have been a lot of problems and hardships she has endured in her life, problems that are not my place to talk about. She will have to decide if and when to tell you. But know this, Billie is a survivor. She has such strength and endurance, and such depth to forgive and accept, that I sometimes look at myself and pale terribly in comparison. Her capacity for love is boundless. I have never in my life felt as safe, loved or needed as I have since I met her. She is my life, Laurel. Together we are whole. I can only hope that I have half her strength of character," Cat said passionately. "So, where you are right to be concerned, know that she will rebound, and together, we will go on and be stronger for the experience," Cat finished.
Laurel wiped a tear from her eye. "My heart is so heavy with regret, Cat. I have failed her. I have failed miserably. My only hope is that someday she will find it in her heart to let me in, to forgive me for wronging her so horribly. I hope the Watermans are smiling down on her right now, because they raised one hell of a daughter."
Laurel took a deep breath and slowly let it out.
Cat sat quietly, watching the play of emotions cross Laurel's features. It was so obvious where Billie's physical beauty came from. She found herself wondering if she was looking at Billie in another twenty years. She certainly hoped so; this woman sitting before her was still breathtaking, even at fifty-five years old.
Laurel felt Cat's eyes on her. Turning, she looked directly into emerald green eyes. "What are you thinking?" she asked the redheaded woman.
Cat smiled. "I was thinking about how beautiful you are, and how much Billie looks like you," she confessed.
Laurel blushed and looked back down at the hands in her lap. "She probably considers that a curse, right now," she said.
Cat reached out and touched Laurel's hand, causing the woman to look into her eyes.
"Laurel," she said. "You have given Billie a lot to think about and right now she may be filled with anger and hurtful regret, but give her time," Cat said. Then, smiling, she continued. "Once she's had a chance to think about things, she'll want to talk, and I'll listen. It's one of the things I do best. Well, that and cook. Did you know your daughter can't even boil water?" she added, causing Laurel to chuckle. "There, that's better," Cat said. "Billie has your smile."
Laurel fished a tissue out of her bag and wiped her tears. "I'd better let you go," she said. "I'm sure Billie's watching the clock, wondering where you are," Laurel added.
Cat just nodded.
Laurel shoved the tissue back into her purse and reached for the door handle. Before exiting the car, she kissed Cat tenderly on the cheek, then hugged her fiercely. "Thank you for giving me the chance to set things right with my daughter, Cat. I'll never forget what you have done for me," she said.
Cat smiled through misty eyes as she watched Laurel walk up the path to her house.
When Cat arrived back to the hotel, she found Billie sleeping, curled up in the middle of the bed in a fetal position, the blankets and sheets in wild disarray around her. It was obvious that sleep had been anything but restful. She peeled off her clothes and slipped a T-shirt over her head, then climbed into bed. Billie visibly relaxed as Cat spooned herself comfortably behind her.
Cat whispered into her wife's hair, "Relax my love. You are safe. You are home in my arms. I love you, Billie." She kissed the space between Billie's shoulder blades, then laid her head down and joined Billie in sleep.
Chapter 26
Cat awoke the following morning to find Billie still in bed, asleep. It was a rare occasion when Billie didn't rise first and set out for her morning run well before Cat decided to greet the day. Cat placed her hand on Billie's forehead, checking for signs of illness. There were none.
"Huh," Cat said as she retracted her hand and started to rise.
Cat suddenly found herself on her back, with a blue-eyed monster hovering over her. Apparently, Billie had been playing opossum and grabbed Cat while she tried to get up, pulling her back down in one smooth motion and gaining a positional advantage over her.
"Just where do you think you're going?" the monster asked.
"I've gotta pee!" Cat replied urgently.
"Pee?" the monster asked.
"Pee! Now let me up before I make us both very uncomfortable," Cat warned. She scooted out from under Billie and ran to the bathroom.
Billie chuckled and sat up in bed. She reached for the phone and ordered breakfast for both of them, then settled back down under the covers to feign sleep again.
Cat came out of the bathroom and saw Billie burrowed back under the covers. She revved up her engines and ran full steam ahead at the bed, jumping up and landing right on the prone woman.
"Ooommmph!" exclaimed Billie as Cat landed. Within seconds, Billie had Cat trapped under her again, this time with her sitting on Cat's stomach, a thigh straddling each side, and her hands pinning Cat's shoulders to the bed.
Cat managed to wiggle her hands free and found Billie's one tickle spot. Billie succumbed to the torture and rolled off Cat, giving Cat the opportunity to gain the upper hand. Moments later, Billie surrendered.
"I give up! I give up! You win. Please stop!" she begged as Cat finally relented and rolled off her.
Billie kissed her soundly. "Thank you, love. I really needed to start my day laughing."
"You're welcome. Now shut up and kiss me again," she demanded.
Billie was more than happy to oblige. Unfortunately for Cat, seconds into the kiss, a knock came at the door.
"Room Service," a voice said from the hall.
Cat looked at Billie questioningly. Billie just shrugged her shoulders and plastered an innocent look on her face. Cat padded over to the door and let the waiter in, pushing a cart in front of him. "Enjoy your breakfast," he said as he left the room.
Cat started taking the covers off the dishes and found a delectable array of pastries and fruits, along with two plates, each containing a fluffy omelet, home fries and toast. The whole meal was complemented by rich hot aromatic coffee. Cat's mouth watered at the sight. She spared a glance at Billie and saw a coy expression on her face.
"You did this, didn't you?" she asked.
Billie just raised her eyebrows and nodded up and down. Cat put the covers back over the food then crawled up the length of the bed to soundly kiss her wife. "Thank you love," she said.
Cat quickly retrieved their omelets and brought them both over to the bed. She sat beside Billie, and together, they feasted while they talked about the previous day's events.
"So, how are you feeling today?" Cat asked.
After taking a sip of coffee, Billie replied, "I'm fine. Still a little tired, probably from the seizure, but I'm okay."
"Laurel and I had a nice talk when I brought her home last night," Cat said.
Billie stopped chewing for a second and looked at Cat. "Oh yeah? What about?"
"She feels horrible, Billie. She feels like she failed you miserably," Cat said.
"Yeah, well, she did," Billie replied, becoming a little irritated with the conversation.
"Billie, can you understand what drove her to give you up? She really thought she was doing what was best for you. She couldn't take care of you," Cat explained.
"She could have cleaned up her act, Cat. She should have given up her drugs, not her child," Billie replied angrily.
"Sweetheart, I understand why you're so angry, but think about what drove her to the drugs to begin with. Can you imagine being raped by your own father! Billie, some people just can't get over the trauma that occurs during a rape!" Cat reminded her.
"You did! You did, Cat! You didn't give up. You didn't turn to drugs. You didn't give your child away!" Billie said, tears starting to form in her eyes. "Damn it! I thought I had cried this all out last night," she added, wiping her eyes.
Cat took Billie's hand in hers. She held it close to her heart and looked into Billie's eyes.
"Billie, when Sky was conceived, I had you. You were my rock. Your presence in my life made the trauma so much easier to bear. Laurel had no support network. All she had was a weak mother, and the man who abused her in the first place. Who else did she have to turn to? Billie, think about it. Where would I have been if I hadn't had the support to get through it?" Cat paused, watching Billie carefully as a parade of emotions crossed her face.
"Sweetheart, open that big beautiful heart of yours and try to find a place in it for Laurel. She needs you right now and whether you'll admit it or not, you need her too," Cat finished.
Billie held Cat's gaze with her own, tears threatening to spill from both. Billie's bottom lip trembled with emotion.
"Please, Billie. Please let the pain out. Until you do, there will be no room for anyone or anything else. Please," Cat said.
Billie closed her eyes, allowing the tears to overflow onto her cheeks as she nodded her head yes. "I'll try, Cat. I'll try," she said.
* * *
"Hello."
"Laurel? This is Billie,"
Silence.
"Laurel? Are you there?" Billie asked.
"Uhm, Billie. I didn't expect to hear from you," Laurel replied, her voice laced with emotion.
"Well, I didn't expect to be calling," Billie answered, receiving a dirty look from Cat, who was standing by, holding her hand for support through this conversation.
"I'm glad you called. I felt so bad leaving you in such a state last night," Laurel said.
"You had no problem leaving me thirty-two years ago, Mother!" Billie said sharply.
"Billie! That was uncalled for!" Cat declared angrily. She abruptly released her hand and walked a few feet away.
"Billie, is that Cat?" Laurel asked. "May I talk to her?"
"Sure," Billie said. She handed the phone to Cat. "She wants to talk to you. Go figure!"
Cat narrowed her eyes at Billie, then took the phone and placed the receiver up to her ear. "Yes?" she said.
"Cat, I just wanted to thank you again for last night, and to say that I deserve everything Billie says about me. Please don't be angry with her. She has the right to feel that way," Laurel said.
"Laurel, she has no right to be disrespectful. What's done is done. It's in the past, and that's where it belongs. You made your apologies last night, and now Billie has to decide whether to accept them or not, but she has no right to be disrespectful," Cat said.
"Let me talk to her," Billie said.
"Hold on, Laurel. Billie wants to talk again." Cat handed the phone to Billie.
Billie took the phone and covered the receiver with her other hand. She kissed Cat tenderly. "I'm sorry, Cat. I'm being an ass, and I know it. I'm sorry," she said again.
Cat looked at her sternly. "It's not me you owe the apology to, Billie." Cat walked away to stand at the window, her back to Billie.
Billie looked at Cat's retreating back and knew in her heart that she was right. She lifted the receiver to her ear. "Laurel, I'm sorry. I've been acting like a fool. I have a lot to think about, and a lot to adjust to, and I'm afraid I'm not handling it very well. Look, Cat and I would like to see you again. We have to make a decision about what to do next, where to go next, and you are part of that decision. Can we meet you somewhere?" Billie asked.
"There's a park on the outskirts of town, bordered by a lake. It's beautiful at this time of year. I can either give you directions, or you can pick me up," Laurel suggested.
"We'll pick you up. Can you be ready in fifteen minutes?" Billie asked.
"I'll be waiting by the curb," Laurel replied.
Billie hung up the phone and approached Cat, who still had her back to her. She pulled Cat back into her embrace and laid her cheek on top of her head. "I'm sorry, Cat. This is so damned hard. Part of me wants to kill her. The other part wants to be held by her. I don't know what to do," said.
"Listen to your heart, not your head, Billie. What she did was wrong. There is no denying that. But what she feels for you is right. She loves you, Billie, and you may never be able to love her back, but you need to forgive her and move on with your own life. This hurt you are feeling right now is like a thorn in your side. It will continue to fester until it consumes you body and soul," Cat said.
Cat turned around in Billie's arms to look her directly in the face.
"Billie, how many times have you told me that I am the other half of your soul?" Cat asked.
"Too many times to count," Billie replied.
"Then keep this in mind… if this hurt and anger consumes your soul, then it will consume me as well."
Billie's eyes opened wide, filling with tears at the realization of what Cat was saying. "God Cat. I can't let that happen. I can't lose you!" she cried.
"Then don't lose yourself. Don't lose yourself to the anger. Let it go. For both of us," Cat pleaded.
Billie forced a smile through the tears. She kissed Cat tenderly, then looked her in the eyes and said, "Let's go get Mom. We've got a lot of talking to do."
* * *
Fifteen minutes later, Cat and Billie pulled up in front of Laurel's house, and true to her word, found her waiting at the curb. Laurel climbed into the back seat and gave Cat instructions to the lake, then focused her attention on Billie, who had turned around in her seat to look at her.
"Billie, I can't tell you how much this means to me. I really appreciate your seeing me again," Laurel said sincerely.
Billie caught a look from Cat out of the corner of her eye before responding to Laurel. "Cat has made me realize that harboring this hurt inside will only damage both of us in the long run. I need to find a way to get through this and come out whole at the end. We all do," she finished.
Laurel smiled at Billie as she nodded in agreement.
The drive to the lake was relatively short. Moments later, the three women were walking along the shore in silence. Billie was holding Cat's hand tightly, using her to anchor her in reality as she strove to find a way to talk to this woman she called mother, without losing her temper. Finally, they spotted a park bench on a grassy knoll overlooking the water and made their way to it.
Billie and Laurel sat on the bench while Cat sat cross-legged on the grass in front of them, randomly pulling the green blades out of the ground. An uneasy silence permeated the atmosphere around them.
Finally, Laurel spoke. "Billie, please talk to me. Tell me what's on your mind."
Billie looked at her mother. "What's on my mind? There's so much on my mind that it would take forever to say it," Billie said.
Laurel touched Billie's hand. Billie flinched, but did not shrug it off. "For you, Billie, I have forever. Please tell me," Laurel replied.
Billie lowered her chin to her chest, fighting desperately to keep her emotions under control. Finally, she lifted her head and looked at Laurel. "Did you ever wonder what happened to me? Where I was? How I was doing?" Billie asked, her voice cracking near the end of the sentence.
Laurel took a deep breath. "Never a day went by that I didn't think of you. Never a day went by that I didn't regret the weaknesses and faults that drove me to that most heinous act. I was weak, Billie. I was a coward. A big piece of me died the day I handed you over to the Watermans' lawyer. I felt like my heart was being torn right out of my chest. But I knew that you would be happier in a stable home with two loving parents. I swear, if I had it to do again, I would have done anything to keep you," Laurel explained, whispering that last sentence.
Billie rose to her feet and paced back and forth, clenching her fists repeatedly. Cat watched her cautiously, ready to intervene if Billie got out of control. Finally, she stopped in front of Laurel and looked directly into her eyes.
"I feel like part of me has died, Laurel," she said. "My whole past has been a lie. The only truly real things in my life are my wife and children. I have such anger in here!" Billie raged loudly, her voice deepened and raspy with emotion as she pounded repeatedly at her chest, loud enough to hear thumps.
Laurel held eye contact with Billie through the tirade, regret and pain clearly written in their blue depths.
"I loved you, Billie. I have always loved you. Giving you up was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Please forgive me," she pleaded.
Billie broke eye contact and strode away a few paces. Falling to her knees in the grass, she buried her face in her hands and cried out her anguish. Billie's torturous cries tore through Cat's heart as she watched her soul mate rock back and forth, arms wrapped around her middle, and head thrown back, as she cried out her pain. Cat kept her distance to allow the cleansing ritual to work its medicine. Finally, emotionally and physically spent, Billie collapsed to the ground and curled up into a ball, repeatedly catching her breath in hiccupping gasps.
