Collective Identity, page 17
part #4 of Commitment Series
Jo pulled Alex’s head into her shoulder. "It's all right, Al. Cry it out, sweetheart. Damn! If I could take away your pain, I would. You know that, don't you?" Jo asked.
Alex nodded her head from its position on Jo's shoulder.
"Talk to me, Al. You're always telling me to put a voice to my feelings. Now it's your turn," Jo encouraged her.
"It hurts, Josie. After all this time, it still hurts. There are so many bad memories here," Alex cried.
"We should have let the kids come alone, Al. This is too much for you."
Alex breathed deeply and lifted her head from Jo's shoulder. Just then, she saw a man exit the town hall, causing her to gasp.
"Al, what is it?" Jo asked.
"That man! He looks so familiar," Alex said.
Jo reached for the handle and pushed the door open. She had one foot on the ground before Alex stopped her.
"Josephine Wycliffe, get back into this car. You can't just go approaching a total stranger on the street. He looks familiar is all. I may not even know him," Alex scolded.
Jo looked at Alex and got back into the car. "I have no problem with approaching a total stranger, Al. Hell, if I thought it would take away your pain, I'd go door to door at every house in this town asking if they knew you all those years ago," she vowed.
Alex smiled as she lifted Jo's hand to her lips to kiss the palm.
A sensual shiver ran down Jo's spine as her body responded to Alex's touch. "Damn woman! It's been a lot of years since we fooled around in the back seat of a car! Keep that up and the kids are gonna be shocked at what they find when they come back!" she warned.
Alex grinned and placed a tender kiss on Jo's hand. "Josie, my darlin', you are incorrigible!" she exclaimed.
* * *
The small room was neatly organized. It wasn't long before Billie located the section of shelving containing the names starting with S. "Cat, over here," she said.
Together, they combed through the records until they came across a folder labeled, Spirakis, Alexandra. Billie took the folder from the shelf and carried it to the table. She stepped back and drew in a deep breath and stared at the manila colored wrapping.
"Do you want me to open it?" Cat asked as she stood next to Billie and rubbed her hand up and down Billie's back.
Billie shook her head. "No, Cat. I've got to do this. I'm...ah...I'm just a little nervous," she said, as she approached the table once more.
Billie opened the folder that contained a single document. Picking up the paper with shaky hands, she studied it carefully. Cat watched the emotions dance across Billie's features as she read the document. Seeing the emotional struggle Billie was obviously experiencing, Cat circled her wife's waist with a reassuring arm. Moments later, Billie reached out for the table for support as her knees started to weaken. Cat quickly pulled a chair away from the table and guided Billie into it.
"Sweetheart, what is it?" Cat asked softly.
All Billie could do was look at Cat, intense emotional pain speaking volumes from the pulpit of her eyes.
Cat reached forward and took the document from Billie's hands, silently asking permission to read the document.
Billie nodded slightly in affirmation.
Cat read the document carefully. When she was finished, she too pulled out a chair and sat beside Billie and turned her attention to the distraught woman beside her. Billie was staring at her hands before her on the table. Tears were running down her cheeks.
As she ran her hand up and down Billie's arm, Cat spoke softly. "Billie, honey, talk to me."
Billie turned her face toward her wife. "Cat, that document says it all."
Cat just nodded her head and rubbed Billie's back.
* * *
By the time Billie and Cat left the clerk's office, it was nearly two. They decided not to say anything to Alex until they stopped for lunch. When the returned to the car, they found Jo sitting across the back seat, her back propped up against the door, and Alex reclining between her legs. Her head rested on the spot between Jo's breast and her eyes were closed in sleep.
Jo watched the two younger ladies walk toward the car, hand in hand. It was obvious that Billie had been crying. They were carrying a folder, which Jo assumed contained the information they were looking for. Based on Billie's tear-stained face, Jo immediately concluded that what they found was bad news.
Billie opened the door and allowed Cat to climb into the front seat ahead of her. She handed the folder to Cat then climbed in herself. She turned in her seat to look at Jo. "Is she all right?" Billie asked.
Jo nodded. "She's fine. I assume you found what you were looking for?"
Billie nodded her head. "We did. Let's stop at the lake for lunch. According to the map, it's about an hour away. We'll talk about it then, okay?" she asked.
"Okay," Jo said. She kissed Alex on the head as the car lurched forward into traffic.
Alex slept nearly the entire way to the lake, waking up just minutes before they reached their destination. She shifted in Jo's arms and opened her eyes. "Josie," she said.
"Hi, sleepy head." Jo helped Alex into a sitting position.
"Where are we?" Alex asked.
"Nearly to the lake, Grams." Cat turned around in her seat and reached into the back for her grandmother's hand.
"What did you find, Caitlain?" Alex asked.
"We're almost to the lake, Grams. We'll talk about it then," Cat explained.
Alex nodded as Billie pulled the car into the parking lot by the lake.
Jo helped Alex out of the car while Billie and Cat retrieved the picnic basket and blanket. They chose a serene spot under a tree. The area very much reminded Billie and Cat of their favorite tree in the park back home. It was the tree they spent time under while watching Seth rehabilitate from his coma, while waiting out Cat's pregnancy with Skylar; and while Billie mourned the death of her client, Peggy McBride. For these reasons, this particular tree in this particular park seemed like a fitting place to spend time while they dealt with the loose ends of their lives.
The ladies ate their picnic lunch in silence. Afterward, they strolled along the lakeshore, hand in hand, stopping to skip stones into the water. Finally, they stopped and stared out over the lake. The four women stood as one. Billie stood directly next to Alex, book-ended by Cat and Jo on either side.
Strictly by feel, Billie reached for the older woman's hand and squeezed it tight. Staring straight ahead, she took a deep breath. "Grams, she's alive."
Jo was there just in time to catch a crumbling Alex as she sank to the ground.
Chapter 17
On the drive back to Charleston, Alex grasped the copy of her child's birth certificate in shaky hands. She read it over and over. Certificate of Live Birth, was printed in bold letters at the top.
Live birth! Alex thought to herself. I knew she was alive. I could feel it.
Date: June fourteenth, nineteen fifty-nine, Gender: Female, Height: twenty-two inches, Weight: seven pounds, ten ounces, Mother: Alexandra Spirakis, Father: Unknown. It was all there.
Alex was ecstatic.
Jo was pensive.
Billie sat with her right arm around Cat, her left hand on the steering wheel as she guided the antique car down the highway toward home.
Billie was contemplative.
Cat was apprehensive.
* * *
Chet greeted them warmly at the carport as the four women exited the car. Alex charged into the house, full of pep and energy, directing them all to the parlor for a victory toast. Billie, true to her normally stoic nature, smiled warmly, but internally waged a war that had her teetering on the edge of emotional release. Cat and Jo were unnaturally reserved, both deep in thought about what lay ahead for their loved ones. Neither was looking forward to the emotional upheaval that was sure to come.
Alex enthusiastically filled four wineglasses and handed them out to the other three women.
"A toast!" Alex said, raising her glass high into the air. "To family. May we soon be together again."
Jo, Cat and Billie all looked at each other and reluctantly complied, adding their voices to the toast. However, between them, a silent message passed, a message that clearly communicated doubt.
Jo rubbed Alex's back. "Al, I really hope we find your daughter. I know how much it would mean to you, but you need to be realistic. It’s been fifty-five years," she said.
Alex looked into Jo’s eyes. "Josie, darlin’, I know we’ll find her. I just know we will. Billie came to this family for a reason. I have to believe that. Don’t you see?" she asked.
Cat’s heart was breaking for her grandmother. As much as she wanted a happy ending, she wasn’t sure it would happen. "Yes, Grams. We see. We’ll do everything we can to find her, but Grandma Jo just wants you to be prepared in case we don’t find her, or in case we find her and she is no longer with us," Cat said as gently as she could.
Cat looked at Billie as she allowed the warning to permeate the room. She saw shocked realization cross Billie's face as she obviously had not considered the possibility that Alex's child may have been born alive, but over the past fifty-five years, may have passed on.
Alex released herself from Cat’s grasp and walked to the fireplace, still holding her wineglass. Long moments passed in silence as she watched the flames dance. The other three occupants of the room held their breath and shifted uneasily until Billie broke the spell. Billie stood in front of Alex and placed two fingers under her chin, forcing their eyes to meet.
"I will find her," Billie said. "I promise."
* * *
Billie and Cat excused themselves well before dinner and retired to their room to spend some time alone, and to think about the events of the day. Once in their room, Billie started to pace like a caged tiger. The atmosphere was very charged. Billie was strung like a bow.
Cat sat on the edge of the bed watching her wife wear a path in the carpet. Either Billie would stop to talk about it, or Cat would have to force the issue. Cat chose the later.
"You shouldn’t have promised you’d find her, Billie."
Billie stopped in her tracks and looked at Cat, piercing blue eyes boring into her very soul. Cat watched a play of emotions ran rampant across Billie’s face as she waged an internal struggle to stay in control of her emotions.
"Billie, honey, talk to me, please," she said.
Billie resumed her pacing. The tension was building with each pass across the room.
Cat finally rose from her position on the bed and stood in Billie's path. Billie stopped abruptly in front of Cat. Her breath came in ragged pants, her hands clenching at her sides, her jaw muscles contracting furiously. Cat knew exactly what Billie needed to release this penned up emotion.
She looked into Billie's eyes and said two words, "Take me."
Billie lifted Cat off the floor by her waist and carried her to the bed. The energy building within her chest was nearly impossible to control as she literally tore Cat's clothes from her body. Cat knew what she was in for. When Billie was in this type of emotional rage, she was wild with battle lust. All Cat could do is hold on and ride out the storm, and what a delicious storm it was. Cat reveled in these moments when Billie threw restraint to the winds and unleashed her raw sexual power on her.
Billie ravished Cat from head to toe, biting, licking, nipping, clawing and reducing Cat to boneless flesh in her hands. Cat begged for more, screamed Billie's name over and over as orgasmic waves crashed over her, mindless that her screams of desire carried throughout the house. Billie brought her to climax no fewer than three times before she begged her to stop, afraid that there would be no energy left to return the favor. But, return it, she did. Flipping Billie onto her back, she proceeded to push her to the limits of endurance, only to back off and approach again. After several aborted landings, Cat circled around once more and dove into Billie, causing her to explode into a thousand tiny pieces, each one throbbing with spent desire. Multiple choruses of Cat's name joined those earlier sung by Cat as all ears in the house tuned into the sound coming from the upstairs bedroom.
Jo and Alex were in the parlor, quietly discussing the day's events, when the sounds of intense lovemaking reached their ears. They looked at each other for long moments, before Jo rose to her feet and took Alex’s hand to lead her through the grand hallway, to their room upstairs.
* * *
"So where do we go from here, Billie?" Alex asked, before placing a forkful of mixed vegetables into her mouth.
"Well, I've been on a few cases at work where we've had to find a missing family member for one reason or another. A lot depends on whether the missing person wants to be found," Billie commented. "But my best guess would be to start with the state adoption records. Some states have sealed them from prying eyes, even if those eyes have a right to know. If South Carolina is one such state, then we'll have to take legal action to access the records," she explained.
Cat put down her fork and placed her hands on the table. She looked around the room nervously. Billie noticed her discomfort.
"Cat, honey, what is it?" she asked.
"Billie, Grams, I hate to burst your bubbles, but the only thing the birth certificate proves is that you gave birth to a live baby girl fifty-five years ago. Grams, it doesn't mean that the child is Billie's mother," Cat explained. Then to Billie, she added, "Love, I just don't want to see you hurt if it turns out not to be the case."
Billie held Cat's gaze for several long moments before taking a deep breath. "You're right, Cat. All we have to go on is my resemblance to Alex. I hope that it’s enough, but you are right, it might not be." She placed her hand over Cat's and forced a smile onto her face.
"I'm sorry, Billie," Cat said.
"Don't be sorry, Cat. One of us has to stay grounded here, and right now, I'm not the best candidate for that, so you've got the job," she said, this time sporting a genuine smile.
"So, when do we get started?" Alex asked anxiously.
"I've been giving that some thought, Grams. I've already called my co-worker, Art, and asked him to start researching South Carolina's adoption policies. I've also asked our best Internet surfer, Jimmy, to start a missing persons search on any fifty-five year old female adoptee, who may be currently looking for her birth parents. If she is actively looking for you, there is a chance that we may find her relatively fast. For now, however, unless we get lucky, there isn't much we can do until we understand what our limitations are. Also, Cat and I need to get home. All this talk of adoption is really making me miss my kids," Billie said.
"I second that motion," added Cat.
"What can we do from this end?" asked Jo.
"Well, you can try to find anyone who may have known Alex when her daughter was born. That means another trip to Lancaster, of course, but there may be someone around who remembers Alex giving birth, and may even know what happened to the child. News travels fast in small communities," Billie suggested. "Oh, by the way," she added. "While Cat and I were in the clerk's office, we quite literally ran into a man coming out as we were going in. The collision caused him to drop his paperwork all over the floor. He looked me directly in the face and said 'Alexandra'.”
“Al! That must have been the gentleman who came out of the Lancaster clerk’s office that you thought looked familiar to you,” Jo piped in.
Billie looked at Cat. A spark of hope passed between them at Jo’s statement.
“Anyway,” Billie continued, “Cat and I helped collect his papers and mail from the floor, but in his haste to get out of there, he missed an envelope. I have it in our room upstairs. Remind me to give it to you before we leave tomorrow. The fact that he called me Alexandra is probably important. You'll have to look for him to return the letter. He may be the missing link," Billie said.
"We can do that," Alex said.
"I can do that," Jo corrected. "You said yourself that Lancaster held some bad memories for you," Jo reminded her.
"That was before I knew my daughter was alive, Josie. I will endure any emotional hardship to find her," Alex stated.
Jo shook her head at Alex's stubbornness. "Do you see what I have to put up with?" she asked the two younger women, who both smiled.
* * *
The next day was filled with teary good byes as Cat and Billie boarded the plane for home. Billie sat in the window seat and blew kisses to the two women standing by the fence and waving furiously. Both Billie and Alex clutched copies of the birth certificate in their hands. They were both on a mission to see if those pieces of paper would knit their destinies into one.
As the plane lifted off the runway, Cat took Billie's hand in hers. "It feels good to be going home," she said.
"Yes it does," Billie agreed.
"Billie?" Cat said.
"Yes?"
"You need to remember that whatever happens with this quest, our definition of family has to remain intact. We can't let this change who or what we are. Do you understand?" Cat asked.
Billie touched Cat's face.
"Cat," she said, "we all have families we are born into, but for whatever reason, we sometimes become separated from them and form families of our own, unrelated by blood, but families nonetheless. What you and I have together is a bond stronger than blood could ever be. You and the children are my real family, Cat, regardless of what we find in this quest. Please don't ever forget that," she finished.
“I couldn’t have said it better,” Cat replied. She laid her head on Billie's shoulder for the flight home.
Chapter 18
The plane touched down at four-fifteen in the afternoon. Billie called during a layover and warned Jen that they were coming in, then proceeded to beg a ride home.
