Malachi, page 18
He remained silent, his breathing being the only thing that assured me he was still on the line. It was thirty minutes later when I finally pulled it together.
“Malachi.”
“Yeah, Pops?”
“I’m on my way, son.”
The call ended and the peace I felt at the moment was peace I hadn’t felt in a very long time. My grandfather had raised me from a boy to a man. He’d always been my rock and continued as we both aged. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for either of us. He’d showed us that time and time again. If he said he was coming, then he was coming. I cleared my face with my shirt and waited to hear his car pull up to the house.
Dressed in a Nike tee, shorts, and slides, Pops didn’t look a day over fifty. I welcomed him into my home for the first time in the past year. The last time he’d visited, renovations were still underway.
“Happy birthday, old man.” I chuckled, checking him out. “You got somebody waiting for you to pull up on ’em or something?”
“This lightweight. Something I just threw on. And my birthday was yesterday, nigga.”
“I know. I’m sorry I—”
“Until you’re better, I won’t hold it against you. Now, where the Hennessy? I know it’s in here somewhere.”
“At the bar right outside of the kitchen. I’ll show you.”
“Nigga, I can find my own way. Go sit your frail ass down. I’ll bring you a drink, too.”
“Nah. I’m good, Pops.”
“You? Good?”
“I think I’ve consumed enough in the last two years to last a lifetime. I think it’s time to sober up and face reality. It ain’t getting no better at the end of each bottle, so what’s the point, right?”
“That might be the best damn thing I’ve heard out of anybody’s mouth all month. Let me sit my ass down, too. If you’re not drinking, then neither am I.”
He was a rider, always had been. His sacrifices made it possible for us to be the men we were today.
“Appreciate that, Pops.”
“We’re a team, Malachi. You know that, son. That’s why it’s been hard knowing you forgot that over the last two years. Leaving us all in the dark, we’re all worried about you.”
“I know. I’ve never forgotten. It’s just some things you have to go through on your own. Nothing either of you could’ve said or done to make me feel better about Anna’s death.”
“What’s changed now?” he questioned, taking a seat across from me.
I stared out into the yard, past the carport and over toward the small home where she rested her pretty head nightly. My grandfather’s eyes followed mine.
“Oh, son,” he scoffed, understanding what was being explained without words.
“Her.”
“Who is she?”
“Aussie’s new caregiver and homeschool teacher. She made it here a month ago, almost.”
“Well, it didn’t take you long, huh? Just couldn’t help yourself,” he sniggered.
“She hasn’t left me much of a choice. I didn’t make it past the first night, Pops. She’s on another level. The shit she knows about me, about the life Anna and I lived, about the family, and just about everything. I don’t understand and I probably never will. I just need help making sense of it all.”
“Sense of what? You’re saying a lot while saying absolutely nothing. Talk to me, Malachi. Spit it out.”
“It… it sounds crazy.”
“Spit it out.”
“She was in an accident the night Anna was murdered. They had pronounced her dead around the time Anna was shot. One minute there was no signs of life; she was dead and gone. The next, she has a heartbeat. For two years, she stayed in a coma.
“The day she woke up, it was as if she’d never been in that car accident and her life hadn’t been snatched from her. She started having these visions and shit that somehow led her to Berkeley, led her to me. She’s from Channing, lived there her whole life.”
He nodded, remaining silent.
“Say something.”
I was waiting for him to tell me I was bat shit or losing every ounce of sanity I had. Hell, I was waiting on him to call Milo and tell him to get over to my house or the rest of the guys for an intervention. Instead, he tilted his head with a nod.
“Continue.”
“The moment I heard her voice on the phone, I ended the call. I thought I was hearing shit. Ya know? Like, hearing Anna’s voice, though I didn’t hear Anna’s voice?”
“I know what you mean.”
“After I ended the call, I wanted to hear her again, immediately. I invited her here for an interview. She showed up here and hasn’t left. The first night, she made dinner and sat to eat with me. I haven’t been in a woman’s company in two years, Pops. She never made it out of the kitchen. Before I knew it, her back was flat against the table and I was digging her out. Immediately after, I regretted my actions and sent her on her way.”
“Wait, she gives herself to you on the first night of meeting you and you treat her like she wasn’t shit?” He grimaced.
“I’m still kicking my ass for it, but I can’t change it now.”
“Aight, I’m listening.”
“After that, I avoided her on the land as much as I could. I failed miserably. She gets to telling me shit, though, getting in my head. Telling me things she’s seeing and hearing and envisioning. Things pertaining to Anna and I. She knew my name before I even told her my name.”
“Was that before or af—”
“Before. Guess what she called me, Pops.”
“What?”
“Mal. Fucked me all the way up.”
“She called you Mal?” His eyes widened as it began to sink in.
“She knew I had a daughter before I even told her. She knows shit that not even the fam knows. Secrets Anna and I kept.”
“Like what, Malachi?”
“High blood pressure. I’ve had it for a while and didn’t want to worry any of you with it because I’ve got it under control.”
“She seasons her food just like Anna, making sure I’m straight and nothing is going to run it up. She’s a vegetarian. Before her accident, she loved meat. Also, she doesn’t use profanity. You should hear how calm and collected she is while I’m losing it. She doesn’t fold. She doesn’t flinch. And she’s stubborn. I’ve told her to pack her shit more than once, yet she’s still here.”
“You’re blowing the poor girl’s back out. You expect her to leave?”
“Pops,” I groaned.
“What? I’m serious. I’m sure that table wasn’t the last place you—”
“It wasn’t but that’s besides the point. She asked if I believed in reincarnation. Today, when she got out of Anna’s truck, I fell flat on my ass. She’d cut her hair above her shoulders. I swear God was playing tricks on a nigga when she got out. She looked just like my Anna. At that moment, it was imperative I called someone so I could find out if I sounded like a damn fool.”
“You don’t.”
“You believe this? This makes sense to you?”
“Perfect sense, son. To survive on this earth here, you have to be willing to believe the unbelievable.”
“Pops, but ain’t no way. She feels like Anna chose her to heal the pain her death caused. Repair me. Make me better. And love me as Anna would. I just… I don’t know.”
“Have you met Anna?” he tittered. “I don’t put it past that woman. You think she was going to leave you alone here on earth to live in misery for the rest of your life? Nah, son. She loved you too much for that. She had to make sure you were alright, and what better way than to give someone what she knew you needed most.”
“So, you don’t think this is all bullshit?”
“You don’t either.” He paused. “You just wish it were because it’s easier for you to continue drowning than to swim again. Don’t let her efforts go to waste. Don’t let that woman get away. I don’t know her, but if Anna chose her, I don’t need to know her. That’s good enough for me. I approve.”
“Pops, reincarnation? That shit just doesn’t happen.”
“What world are you referring to? It happens, son. It happens all the time. A life for a life. Give one, take one. Does it always happen the way it’s happened to you? Nah. Not everyone gets to love their soulmate twice. But, you do, so don’t fuck that up.
“Don’t run her off. Don’t treat her like shit. Don’t make her feel like a replacement because she’s not. Don’t make her feel like she’s in second place, competing with a woman you can’t have, no matter how much you want her.
“Appreciate what is here because it’s all you’ve got. This is your chance to be truly happy. You won’t get another. I promise you that much. I’m speaking from experience.”
My grandmother died of cervical cancer when their youngest child was only four years old. Since, he’d been alone in the world. Occasionally, he’d find himself in a situation that ended before it could truly begin. Since her, happiness was some farfetched idea he no longer subscribed to.
“Take this opportunity to give this girl the world. She didn’t just fall from the sky and land on your property. Love led her here. Before she ever saw your face, she already loved you. She already needed you. She already wanted you. Love her back. Need her back. Want her back.”
“I do.”
“Show her, then.”
“I will. It’s just not that simple. Not that easy. The guilt… I just—”
“Ain’t no guilt. Your wife sent her straight to you. What guilt could you possibly be feeling, Malachi? This is Anna’s doing. It has her name written all over it. She wanted you covered, and now that you are, let that guilt go.”
“I’ve been crying and crying and crying like a bitch.” I admitted to the lack of control over my emotions.
“You’ve been crying like a man,” he rephrased. “Don’t ever let anyone trick you into believing tears are for bitches. Tears are a display of strength, truth, and passion. You cry your fucking eyes out if you need to and I’d be damned if a motherfucker has an issue with it. Tell them to come see me. Ya hear, son?”
“Yes, Pops. I hear you.”
“Now, where is Aussie? I haven’t seen that face in so long.”
“She’s with Anna’s parents for the summer.”
“Oh, yeah, nigga?” His jealousy was beginning to show.
“Don’t start, old man.”
“Nah, nigga, you started it already. I’m expecting her next summer since we’re just handing her off and shit. I don’t want to hear nothing about it, neither.”
“You got it, Pops.” I threw my hands in the air.
“Now, turn on that television in there. The finals come on in an hour.”
There was no use in requesting solitude, and for once, I didn’t crave it. We headed into the living room where we both took a seat on the sectional. I handed him the remote, unsure of which channel he preferred. It would be airing on three of them. Just like old times, we stretched out on the couch as he flipped through the stations until settling on one.
“Make it right, son. I know shit is all fucked up right now so I won’t ask to meet her, but the next time I come by, I better see her face and a smile as wide as her head. Don’t half-ass it. Let go of your guilt. Let go of your pity. There’s still life after losing a love like the one you and Anna shared. It’s right in front of you.”
His words stuck with me. I let them marinate while remaining silent and staring blankly at the television. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to feel better.
NINE
The rain had come again. This time, it stuck to Berkeley’s surface for three nights straight. Each night, it left me with a new revelation, a new set of feelings, and a new memory I wished I was truly part of.
Four days had come and gone since I’d watched Malachi collapse and I still hadn’t recovered. The desire to know if he was well, if he was caring for himself, and if he was taking his medicine as he should left me wanting to reach out or walk just down the road to see for myself.
However, I was exhausted from our last encounter and still trying to regroup. There was something about his rejection that stung a little more this time. It was unnerving and left me out of sorts.
Hearing him demand space the way he had, as if my presence was a burden instead of a blessing, left me feeling a few ways. It was like my heart was on a swivel and he was continuing to hack away at it, little by little, whenever he felt like it. And, in those pockets of time where he wanted to feel better, to feel me, he put his knife down for a little while and penetrated my flesh until he was better.
Immediately after, his weapon was in his hand again, and his assault continued. I didn’t have the strength to endure his shunning for once, so I continued to stay on my end and allowed him to go about his days without my interference. It was better this way, better for us both. When he was ready, he knew where to find me. Until then, I’d grant his wish and maintain a safe distance.
Even with us staying apart for almost three weeks in total, my cravings were intensifying. Malachi’s absence didn’t prove I could continue just fine without him. It only confirmed the fact that I shouldn’t. The second he stepped into my world, things shifted, aligning in my favor. His presence was my solution to almost every issue I was facing. Nothing mattered with him around. The carefree life I dreamed of was in my grasp.
Feeling the weight of his absence most when night fell, I found myself at the table, again, with a pen and pad in front of me. My fingers ached as I expressed myself on a fresh piece of paper. Dinner was on the counter, waiting to be cooked but until I cleared my thoughts and got a few things off my chest, I wouldn’t be able to start.
Meals to Malachi hadn’t stopped and they never would as long as I lived on the property. Along with each one was a note just like the one I was penning. Lately, as my feelings for him deepened, they grew in length. Shamelessly, I continued to confess my unwavering aching for something more with a man that had devoured my attention from the moment we met.
Malachi,
Come back to me. And, not just for a while. Come back to me forever. For good. For a lifetime.
I’m finding myself falling deeper and deeper into oblivion, knowing that there’s a man deep inside of the shell of a man I’ve been witnessing who will save me… save my heart… save my soul.
It’s yours to have. I’m yours to have. I can’t comprehend how that hasn’t been made clear to you. Am I not doing a good enough job showing you?
I know who you are and I know who you have the potential to be. You’re such a light in this world, in the lives of the people you love… dim yourself no longer.
Light up, Malachi. Come out, Malachi. Stop hiding, Malachi. I know it hurts. It must hurt so bad.
A
I can’t imagine the pain you must be in. But, you can’t stop living, too. It defeats the purpose of the breath in your body and the blood in your veins.
Wake up, Malachi. The world is waiting. I’m waiting. Your daughter is waiting. Your family is waiting. Wake up.
I placed the pen beside the pad, considering tossing the entire letter in the trash. Undoubtedly, I’d fallen for a man’s potential, fallen for the man he used to be before his wife’s untimely death. The visions of his light, the dreams of his tenderness had me in a chokehold.
I had to witness those parts of him, and in real time, not behind closed lids. I wanted to see the better version of Malachi with my eyes wide open so that I could love him until he felt as little pain as possible from his broken heart.
Because that version of him wouldn’t come overnight, I’d appreciate and learn to love the one I’d stumbled upon. He, too, was beautiful, although bruised and banged up. With some caretaking, he would be just fine.
Upon standing to my feet, my nipples brushed against the loose fabric of my dress. Painfully, they hardened, drawing my hands to them as I massaged through the agony. My period was approaching, making it incredibly obvious that I was in for an emotional rollercoaster. The long, expressive notes I’d been writing the last few nights was evidence enough that I was PMSing hard.
Closing my eyes as I massaged away the pain, I was met with big, round eyes and brown skin. A smile crossed my lips as they looked up at me.
She’s all mine, I thought, still unable to believe God had gifted me something so precious.
Her lips wrapped around my right breast as she fondled the left with her tiny fingers. It was a coping mechanism and a sign that sleep was near. She’d had an eventful evening, spending time with Malachi while I rested for the better half of the day.
“You’re special, baby girl.”
Every chance I got, I filled her little head with affirmations. It was imperative to begin doing the work in girls while they were still young. Confidence was key in successful women. Without it, the world would eat you alive as a woman. It was almost built to tear us down. The building began at home and as early as possible.
“You’re going to grow up to be such an amazing girl. Remember that Mommy loves you, Aussie. Always. Every day.”
My eyelids stretched, welcoming me back to reality.
“Aussie,” I wept. “Aussie.”
Leaning over and placing my hands on the table, I tried stabilizing my erratic breathing.
Aussie.
How precious?
Aussie.
Oh my God.
Finally.
One thought after another came rolling in. After weeks of caring for this brown-skinned beauty in every dream and every vision, her name finally fell from my lips.
Aussie.
It was the most precious name I’d ever heard. It was special, just like the child I’d birthed and cared for in my past. The pricking of my eyes halted with a swipe of the back of my hands. Weights had been lifted from my body, making me feel lighter and less burdened with the guilt of not knowing her name.
Aussie.
On my way to the stove, pleasant thoughts replaced the others. The huge development was enough to wipe out anything that didn’t pertain to the child I’d be seeing in a few short weeks. My patience failed me suddenly and I couldn’t wait to meet her, see how big and smart she’d gotten.
