Malachi, page 15
“The moment I saw your face… When I saw your face, Malachi, my heart knew. It was torture, maintaining my composure and refraining from running and jumping into your arms. That vision, the one of me doing so, replayed in my head over and over while I stood there, talking to you. That’s why I couldn’t leave. Two months felt like a lifetime away and I couldn’t wait that long to be in your presence again. That ache that came with your absence didn’t feel good. It made me unwell, left me with a hole in my chest and a burning desire for the unknown.”
I knew about that deep, uncompromising hole she spoke of. I’d been there, in that abyss, since the day Anna was taken from me.
“Because, essentially, that’s what all of this was until now. From the moment I stepped foot on this property, the visions have gotten stronger and clearer. They’re like little time capsules of our lif—you and Anna’s life. But, it’s ours, too. Not really, but it is. I just… see, this is why it’s so hard to explain. I just know that… that soulmates are real, Malachi. And, up until two nights ago when you entered me, returning home and knotting our souls again, I didn’t believe it.”
Thoughts of that night, of her body and the way she felt like home for me, invaded my space.
“Now, I do. Parts of your Anna is with me. She’s here with me, Malachi, and as baffling as it is, it’s real. I’m real. She’s real. Together, we’re real.”
I had no words for what she’d just revealed. I sat in silence, letting it all sink in. I believed nothing of it, but her case was solid. There were holes, tiny ones, but it was a solid case, nonetheless. The issue with it all was that what she was trying to convince me of was impossible. I didn’t believe it and I hoped she didn’t believe it, either. But the way she’d explained herself and the conviction in her eyes led me to believe otherwise.
Bullshit.
“What’s my daughter’s name?” I asked, challenging the theory she’s given. It was atrocious and bold, but if there was one thing she could do to convince me, it was recite my daughter’s entire name. She paused, gathering her thoughts. I waited with my heart on the pavement as the night critters played in the silence.
“What’s her name?” I insisted with patience that was wearing thin.
“I-I don’t know.” She shook her head from side to side.
“Exactly, because you’re not my fucking wife.”
“Physically, no. I’m not, but—”
“Mentally, spiritually, emotionally, none of that shit. Stop playing with me, Aeir, before you piss me clean the fuck off. I told you to leave me alone and I meant that!”
I pushed upward to stand, but she pulled me back down.
“I’ve loved meat my whole life, but I’ve hated the thought of it since I’ve awakened. I knew your name before you ever told me. I knew your wife’s name before you ever said it. I’d heard them both multiple times in my head. When you called out her name at the dinner table, it felt like you were calling me.
“In that moment, that name felt like mine. It was mine, even for a brief second. Deflecting helped me recover from the embarrassment of the moment, because, again… explaining something so complex felt like such a hard thing to do. But, then, I didn’t know what I know now.”
“Aeir, you don’t know shit. Stop making stuff up in that fucking head of yours, take your ass back down that road, and leave me the fuck out of your shit show, aight? Remember to leave my wife’s name out of your mouth on the way over there.”
My strength was renewed. I leaped up in one swift motion and dashed into the house. I needed Aeir gone like yesterday, but I couldn’t bring myself to push her away. Because, as much as I hated it, there was a tiny part of me that considered everything she’d just told me.
Inside of my home, I ended up at the bar, deciding against pouring the Hennessy into a cup and opting to drink it straight from the bottle as I headed into the front room. I blindly removed one of the twenty-six memory cards from the album Anna created for us over the years. It was as if she knew somehow, that her time on earth wouldn’t outlast mine and she wanted to make sure I remembered the times.
“It doesn’t. The flowers weren’t the issue, being forgotten was.”
“I know. I’m sorry. How can I make it up to you?”
“By never forgetting me. Ever.”
“I won’t. I promise. Anything else, my love?”
A portion of our last conversation stuck with me. She knew. She always knew. And I wondered if she was afraid. Had she seen it coming? Did she call out for me? Did she suffer? There were so many unanswered questions, questions I wanted to ask. Questions I needed to ask. Questions she’d never get to answer unless… Aeir.
Her face, one that resembled my wife’s so closely, appeared in my head. I closed my eyes to get rid of her. Fortunately, God was on my side for once. I pushed the memory card into the intended slot and connected the cable to the box it was plugged into. I hit the power button on the remote and back peddled until I was sitting in the rocking recliner with the bottle in my hand.
Anna’s pregnant belly came into view as she backed away from the camera. With extreme pressure, I brushed my top row of teeth against my bottom. My eyes pricked, feeling like thousands of tiny needles were taking turns poking me. A single blink and thick, salty liquid ran down my face.
“Sooooo, we’re only four weeks away from meeting our baby girl, and look how much I’ve grown. Aussie, if you’re older and playing this back, know that Mommy loves you more than life itself. You’re smart and you’re beautiful and you’re wonderful and you’re unstoppable. My love, you can do anything you set your mind to. Everything in life you do, even when you don’t want to, approach with excellence. Give everything your everything. I love you to the moon and back, Aussie.”
Leaning in, Anna whispered, “If you’re watching this, baby, I love you, too.”
She stepped back again, rubbing her big, round belly and smiling toward the camera. There were so many videos she’d created that I’d watched over the years, each of them being just like the one I was watching. It had never occurred to me she was fond of speaking as if our future didn’t include her. Even before Aussie was in her belly or part of our worlds, she spoke as if she’d no longer be with me the day I finally played the videos back. Now it made perfect sense.
She knew.
She’d always known.
The revelation ripped through my core. I’d always said that my wife was an angel on earth, but now I had evidence. I’d always said the world didn’t deserve her, but I’d never expected it to take her away. I’d vowed that I’d be by her side until death do us part, but I never thought it would. And I’d always said we’d find each other in the next lifetime, but I never knew she’d find me again in this one.
SEVEN
Sunlight danced on my skin, waking me from my slumber. A new day was upon me, but the turmoil of yesterday haunted me. The swelling of my eyes made it painful to blink or open them fully. The tears I’d cried last night were plentiful, leaving me with the consequences and an unpleasant reminder of everything that had occurred.
He must think I’m insane.
I dragged myself out of bed, stretching my limbs until they popped. The silky slip that I’d picked up while in the city felt like cool butter on my skin. Barefoot and groggy, I yawned as I made my way toward the bathroom. My bladder was threatening to expose my laziness. It had been needing to be emptied since the wee hours of the morning as I cried into the pillows underneath my head, but I lacked the energy to relieve it. My bladder could wait, I felt. It was my heart that needed the relief and the tears I cried was the purest form.
The cold tiles were lovely underneath me. They paired with the robe against my body to make me feel better altogether. I welcomed the progression as I sat on the toilet. I closed my eyes as relief washed over me.
“I can’t wait to meet you, my love.”
I rubbed my large, round belly as I stood in the mirror. Dressed in an olive skirt and cropped top that exposed almost all of my perfect skin and pregnant belly, I marveled at the evidence of the life I was growing inside of me. Tiny feet stretched inside my womb, causing my skin to protrude in some places more than others. My smile was accompanied by low giggles.
“Hi, you. You’re finally awake in there. How are you, baby girl? Daddy and I are so ready to meet you. Just… whenever you’re ready, pumpkin.”
The constant movement confirmed my daughter had heard every word.
“Daddy is taking us to dinner tonight. Mommy is so excited. Not only to fill our tummies, but to be having dinner with Daddy. I’ve missed him each time he walks out of the door lately. Every time feels like the last time and it’s killing me inside, not knowing when that feeling will be factual.”
Deeply saddened, I wiped the tear from my eye, but my smile never faded.
“I just wish we could grow old together without any worries or fears. But, life doesn’t work that way, pumpkin. It doesn’t. Mommy’s heart hurts knowing it. I just… I want us both here to watch you grow big and strong. The thought of—”
The sound of a tractor starting disrupted me. My eyelids parted and the world I’d seen behind my lids no longer existed. It was only me inside of my bathroom with a stomach much flatter than the one in the vision I’d just had.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I cleaned myself and flushed the toilet. Though I wasn’t easily bothered nowadays, I found myself a bit flustered with the unknown, starting with the name of the child I’d carried. For the first time, she’d appeared and I knew it had everything to do with Malachi and the question he’d asked yesterday.
Putting my troubles aside, I changed into a beautiful skirt that flowed the length of my legs, stopping right at my ankles, a pair of sandals I’d picked up in the city, and a button-down shirt I tied in a knot against my belly. A quick look in the mirror near my bed left me satisfied.
Though I only had plans to hang around the house and began getting the small room that was just at the end of the tiny home turned into a dream classroom for a first-year learner, looking the part felt absolutely necessary to feeling the part. After the night I’d had, I wanted to make sure I looked better so that I could feel better.
Cooking breakfast was first on my long list of things to-do, so the kitchen was my next stop. On the way, I unlocked my phone to find the playlist I’d created less than forty-eight hours ago. It was like a comforting hug that slightly suffocated you on any given day and that was exactly what I needed at the moment. Wrapped in slow sounds and meaningful lyrics that stuck with me long after the song had ended, that was where I wanted to be.
A text message on my home screen captured my attention. My mother’s number was among the things I remembered and would never forget. The sting of her betrayal was still fresh. So fresh, I had yet to save her as a contact and wondered if I would anytime soon. Our relationship was in such a weird space, making me feel indifferent about anything and everything that included her.
Nevertheless, curiosity didn’t allow me to leave the message unread. Opening it, I found a shared note that led me to click the link. I wasn’t sure what I was expecting but the long, never-ending page full of words stopped me in my tracks. I leaned against the counter and began reading each and every one of them.
To my only child, my golden child.
Your life was a gift to me the day I discovered my pregnancy. Thirty whole years later and it’s still a gift to me. Two years ago, I thought that gift had been snatched from me and I crumbled. I withered under the stress and the realization that I’d have to carry out the rest of my days watching my gift struggle to thrive as you were intended to. The thought of you not being able to perform simple tasks like washing your beautiful face, combing your beautiful hair, teaching your wonderful children, or going for a drink with your best friend, left me inconsolable. I cried myself to sleep each night and I had tears every morning for breakfast.
You are my life. You are the AEIR I breathe. Your name is special and not because it’s unique. It’s special because it’s the truth. My truth. Your father’s truth. You’re our reason. You’re our light. You’re our life. It doesn’t matter how old you are or how old you get, you’re our world. Our whole world. And, it came crashing down.
Aeir. Seeing you in the bed, unable to wake and showing little to no signs of life, I was deprived of that. Deprived of you. Every day, I felt like I was drowning, suffocating, and making you suffer in the process. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like holding on was selfish of me, so I tried to let go. My emotions got in my way, clouded my vision and forced me to give up.
But there was this girl, one that I’ve loved since she came into your life, fighting and fighting hard for you, for us, for her. She understood it was pain that was driving my decisions and stepped in and stepped up for you. Jae was willing to fight me tooth and nail for your life, knowing you’d only get one and there was still so much of yours left to live. I’ll never stop thanking her for her tenacity and persistence. She is the epitome of sisterhood. And she was right.
I felt sick to my heart learning that you were moving to Berkeley but it felt just as good knowing that you were taking a leap. You’ve always been confined to Channing, and having you closer has always made me feel so much better. You didn’t have to admit to your move for your father and I to know that’s what was happening. We’re okay with your transition. We adore you for your bravery and we both think the city is a good fit for our girl. I’m praying it brings you all the happiness and joy because you deserve it.
I’m aware I’ve tarnished our relationship and it may never be the same. It’s something I have to live with. It’s a direct result of my actions and I’m just here to let you know you have every right to be upset with me. You have every right to cut communication. You have every right to tell me to go to hell.
But, I’m already there, Aeir. I’ve been there since the night of your accident. I just don’t want to be left there. So, if you can find it in your heart one day, I’m asking for your forgiveness. It doesn’t have to be today or next week. It doesn’t have to be anytime soon, but I’d like to breathe again. Whenever you’re ready, I need Aeir.
Mom.
The cheeks itched from the fresh tears that irritated them. Using a paper towel from the roll on the counter, I patted my skin dry. Every word of my mother’s note hit a bit harder, layering the heaviness our strain already plagued me with. Without sending a response, I closed the note and pushed play on the list I’d unlocked my phone in search of.
I had every intention of sharing my thoughts with my mother, but it wasn’t the time. It was much too early in the morning to be weighed down with the emotions a response would stir. I was looking forward to having a better day and going down that dark hole would just leave me in a space I didn’t want to be in.
Lauryn Hill lulled me to a much better place as she sang about finding peace of mind. I gathered the ingredients for the omelet I’d been craving, including the eggs I’d gotten from the chickens. There were enough in the fridge to last for a full week but my sudden greed for farm-fresh everything would devour them sooner.
A few dance moves and a few minutes later and I was staring down at a beautifully crafted omelet with chopped veggies and swiss cheese. I grabbed the brand new laptop I’d somehow managed to set up in my despair the previous night and sat down at the table in front of a cup of squeezed orange juice. Because I didn’t know the code to the wi-fi, I settled for the hotspot option on my phone to connect to the internet, again.
The cart I’d began filling with the prettiest pieces of gold jewelry was still on the screen. There were only three items, but I was determined to add an additional twelve to start my collection. Because I’d sampled the vendor months before my accident while sourcing for the brand that never came to fruition, I knew the quality of their product was immaculate and knew I wouldn’t be purchasing blindly when the time came.
I replayed Malachi’s words in my head, wondering if they still stood true. After our night, everything felt displaced. The only thing I was certain of at the moment was the fact that my stumbling upon Malachi wasn’t an accident. It was the universe’s way of showing us that fate and soulmates were real. Our reconnection was inevitable. It didn’t matter how much I tried to suppress it or he tried to deny me, our story had already been written.
One by one, I combed through the listings, adding only the most precious pieces to my cart. Two hours passed before I was finally happy with my selection. I’d succeeded in finding fifteen incredible pieces and managed to add an additional five. I loved each and every one of them too much to narrow my options any more.
I rubbed my fingers across the card with Malachi’s name on it. I missed him deeply. Closing my eyes, I tried summoning him in my head, waiting for him to appear behind my lids. And, when he did, my heart rejoiced.
I watched as he rocked a brand new, brown baby in his arms while smiling back at me.
“You did it,” he whispered, eyes watering from the influx of emotions.
Nodding, slowly, I communicated the only way possible at the moment. Childbirth had exhausted me, leaving me without energy or enough strength to do anything other than lay in silence.
“You did it, my love.”
He leaned over, kissing my forehead and pushing the hair that had fallen down out of my face.
“My God, you’re incredible, Anna.”
Hearing Anna’s name was startling. I opened my eyes, staring back at the screen in front of me. There she was again. The child who still felt foreign to me in more ways than I wanted to admit. Determined not to fall into the trap I’d just set for myself, I typed in the numbers on the card where they were requested and changed the delivery address from my apartment in Channing to my new home.
Before pressing the payment button, I double-checked the details and took a second to consider what was actually happening. For the man’s name who was sprawled on the card, I longed, wanting him to share the moment with me. But, for the life of me, I couldn’t pull myself away from the table or muster the gumption to pull him from his work in the field to watch me purchase merchandise for what could very well be my first failed business.
