Malachi, page 14
As much as it hurt to shut out the world, it hurt even more to let them in. I'd been reduced to a small bubble that required constant surveillance to protect my sanity, my heart, and preserve my life for the sake of my daughter. The capacity of my bubble was low and it made me extremely intolerable, not only to the people I loved, but in general.
In some sick, twisted way, disconnection was a coping mechanism for me. By disconnecting, life’s unfairness and death’s untimely appearance wouldn’t hurt so bad. By disconnecting, I didn’t have to explain why, after two years, I was hardly any better than after two days of Anna’s murder. By disconnecting, I didn’t have to muster a smile or force laughter. By disconnecting, I didn’t have to pretend to be happy, not even for a moment. By disconnecting, I was allowed to mourn at my pace and come to terms with the fact that it was a never-ending journey.
Instead of grabbing a bowl and filling it, I ate the cucumber salad right out of the dish I’d prepared it in with a fork. The bitterness was intrusive, spreading across my mouth. I quickly adapted to the anticipated flavor, embracing everything it embodied as I filled my belly just a bit. When I was done, my phone had managed to stop ringing and the guilt of not taking my grandfather’s call had subsided.
I stared off into the distance, contemplating returning the call and when. Discomfort quickly followed the thought, forcing me to shut it down prematurely. If I made a mental note, I’d simply be lying to myself so it was beyond pointless.
My vision cleared and exposed the dining table that was a few feet away. Aeir’s presence still lingered, reminding me of the things I’d done… things we’d done. Her subtleness was still heavy on my mind, birthing a slight craving that I wanted to kick but couldn’t seem to.
Since she’d walked out of my door, I’d wanted more of her. It was the most rejuvenating, most convicting feeling in the world. Aeir’s body was the first I’d ever explored outside of Anna, to know that I’d enjoyed every second of my exploration left me ill.
The thought of our night left me wondering where she was, if she was well, and how she was navigating the new city. Worrying about her shouldn’t have been a burden I had to carry, but it snuck up on me. Berkeley wasn’t home for Aeir. It was an enormous city that easily swallowed you whole. I could only pray that she didn’t get sucked into the chaos.
My phone sounded in the silence. The thought of my grandfather calling a second time put me on high alert. Triggered, I made a dash for the counter where my phone sat. To my surprise, it wasn’t his name displayed on the screen. It was an iCloud email that was very familiar. I’d set it up and hadn’t forgotten it yet. A genuine smile tugged at my lips as I tapped the green button.
“Aussieeeee.”
“I miss you, Daddy.” Her little voice warmed me from head to toe.
“I miss you, too, baby.”
I did. The house was so quiet without her running around, bossing me around, and calling herself caring for me. I wasn’t sure who was the parent most days, me or Aussie. For a two-year-old, she was incredibly independent and such a fast learner. Anna’s plan to school her around this age was spot on because she was ready. If she put her little mind to it, Aussie would be reading, writing, spelling, and dividing in three months’ time.
“Así que ven a buscarme.”
“I’m not coming to get you, Aussie. Your grandparents would be sad to hear you say that.”
I lowered my body onto the rocking recliner to rest my bones. I’d been working my fingers to the bone the last two days to keep my mind and hand occupied so they wouldn’t end up in places they shouldn’t be.
“They don’t understand,” she whispered.
“Your grandmother does.”
“Aw, man.”
“Have you been speaking Spanish, hoping they don’t know what you’re saying?”
“A tiny,” she admitted.
“That’s not nice, Aussie,” I chuckled, “English only.”
“Okaaaay.”
“What are you doing, my love?”
“I miss my home.”
“I know, baby, but this is good for you. It might be a little difficult in the beginning, but it’ll get better. How are you being treated?”
Though I knew Aussie was just homesick, it was important to check in. Anna’s parents would never bring harm to her, but it didn’t hurt to ask. Certainty was the only way to rest my nerves.
“Good, Daddy. I just… I want to come home. I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“I’m not alone, baby,” I assured her, chastising myself immediately after.
“Mommy came?” she asked excitedly.
I could hear the glee return to her body through her elevated tone and the background fizzling. The hairs on my arm stood at attention as I remained quiet. Her question had set a few thoughts in motion and awakened a few big feelings I wanted to tuck away.
“Daddy. Did she?”
“Not yet, Aussie.”
“Awwww. But, she said she’d come.”
“Listen, my love, Daddy has to get busy, okay?”
“Okay. Don’t be mad with me.”
“Mad with you about what, baby?”
“Mommy. I told her you said hurry and she said she would.”
“Naaaaaah. Of course not, Aussie. I could never be mad at you about something that’s someone else’s fault, okay?”
“Okay.”
“I love you. To the moon and back, baby girl.”
“I love you, Daddy… every day.”
“Call me tomorrow.”
“Okay. I promise.”
“Later.”
“Later!” she shouted while ending the call.
Mommy came? Her words stuck with me, replaying over and over in my ear.
I told her you said hurry and she said she would.
I headed back into the kitchen. This time, it was to grab a cold cooler from the freezer. A shot of bourbon in the bottle made it the perfect addition to any day after spending it in the hot sun. Sheer habit led me to the perfect concoction in under thirty seconds. When I put it up to my mouth, I didn’t lower it until it was halfway finished and the crackling gravel sounded off.
A peek out the kitchen window and the sight of the olive G-Wagon quickened my steadied heart. I took a moment to collect myself, watching as it passed me on the way to the carport. I turned the bottle up a second time and didn’t stop gulping until it was empty.
My steps were ordered, and my destination was already chosen. I pushed forward, despite the agony I suffered, making my way out onto the porch and toward the side of the house where I found Aeir, slowly backing into the spot she’d pulled out of hours prior. Unmoving, I watched as she parked, shut off the engine, and stepped out of the truck with a bag across her body. Momentarily, she stopped and gazed in my direction, and then got to work, unloading the back where she seemed to have packed the entire store.
When I noticed the amount of bagged and unbagged items she was sitting on the ground next to the truck, I was summoned, automatically. Heaps of items piled onto the concrete before I reached Aeir’s side. She’d broken a sweat in the Berkeley heat. I could see the moistness as it layered on top of her brown skin.
“Hi,” she sighed, wiping her forehead.
From the looks of things, my card had gotten some good use. The magnetic strip had probably been discolored in the process, but I wasn’t complaining. Somehow, in some way, the idea of Aeir shopping without limits and picking up everything her head and heart desired made me feel a bit better inside.
“Is this everything you need?” I asked, wondering if there could possibly be more.
“I wish. There’s still the furniture that I need to order online. You can take this out of my first paycheck. I’ll let you know how much the furniture costs so you can do the same.”
“Insulting,” I grimaced, stringing the bags along my arm until there wasn’t any more room.
Her palm was warm and soft to the touch. She laid it on me, stopping me from moving forward as she looked into my eyes. I remained silent, taking her in. All of her. Her beauty. Her grace. Her patience. Her kindness.
“Put down your weapons, Malachi. I’m not here to war with you,” she explained, curling her fingers partially.
The world around us, the world as I knew it, evaporated. And there was nothing and there was no one but us. Her brown eyes showcased the sincerity of her heart and in her actions. She was pure, and so were they.
“It’s unfair enough that you’re at war with yourself.”
“Aeir–”
She placed an index finger on my lip and quieted me at once.
“Shhhhhhhh,” she whispered.
I felt like a fish fresh out of their natural habitat, peeled of its scales of protection, cut down the center of its body, and gutted in preparation for consumption. Naked. Uncomfortable. Yet, safe.
“You’re safe with me, Malachi,” she said, reading my thoughts, “Stop trying to fight it. Fight me. I have no vendetta. I have no weapons. I have nothing. You’ve made it exceptionally clear that you’re uninterested in anything platonic and, as hard as it is for me to refrain, I can. I will. But, I won’t stop feeding the good parts of you and trying to bring them to the surface, because my head and my heart won’t let me.”
Words failed me, making me feel as foolish as I looked.
“Some things are just out of my control,” she finalized.
Aeir lowered her finger and resumed working on emptying the truck, giving me time to process her words. Blindly, I headed toward the suite that she’d been working sun up, sun down to flip. Two days ago, it resembled nothing like the space I walked into with bags dangling from my arms.
I took three trips from the truck into the house before everything was inside, along with Aeir. I took a look around at all the things she’d purchased. My limbs tingled as blood rushed through my body, making my head spin.
She reminds me so much of her, I admitted, watching as Aeir removed items, one by one, from the bags without much of a care in the world. Taking a closer look at the things she’d picked up while out, I noticed they resembled things I’d seen in my old home, viewed on Pinterest boards during late night peeks at my wife’s computer screen, and while out together.
“Aren’t these cute?” She held up a pair of gold earrings, putting them to her ear to give me the full picture. Nodding, I answered her question.
“I used to dream of owning a jewelry line. An affordable one for women who crave a classic hoop or anklet or ring. All gold. Everything would’ve been gold. I love gold. There’s something about wearing a nice piece of jewelry that makes me feel like a woman. It enhances my femininity. It just feels… I don’t know. Just–”
“Why’d you stop dreaming?”
“Reality hit. And it hit hard.”
My piqued interest was alarming as it was welcomed. The guilt that paired with me almost made me follow up with something damning, but I remembered her words and her request. She didn’t want to fight. And as hard as it was not to, I didn’t want to, either. It was easier, though, to not care and push, push, push everyone away. It felt better that way. I felt better that way.
“How?”
“Two years ago, on the way home from a teacher’s conference that ran over a lot longer than it should’ve, I was hit head on by a drunk driver. According to my medical team, I died three times that night. They didn’t think I’d make it till morning, but I did. Around twelve was the last time I flatlined.
“They’d given up, prepared to tell my parents the news, but as my best friend stayed behind, crying over me, scared to touch my swollen body, my heart began beating again. That wasn’t the end of my fight. For two years, I remained in a coma. It wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I woke up. My body had completely healed itself. There were no signs of the injuries I’d suffered.
“Everything worked perfectly. I didn’t understand and still don’t understand. The night I was released from the hospital, I laid in bed wondering what was next. I felt like my life had gotten a brand new start. I didn’t feel like the old me. I felt like something, someone completely different so I craved different. Berkeley was first on my list of to-dos.
“Knowing I still wanted to be an educator, I searched HomeEdu and that’s how I found your listing. Days later and I showed up here. So, that little business I wanted to start, in addition to being the best educator Channing had ever seen, it had to be put on pause.”
Listening to her story left me in a dark place, but I quickly pulled myself out to be present for her in the moment. What I had to say couldn’t wait.
“Press play, Aeir.”
“Hmm?” she asked, unsure of what I meant.
“Press play. Life is too unpredictable to hold on to any dream you have. Don’t act later… act now. Press play, Aeir.”
“I know. Those two years passed me by. Life kept going and I was just… still.”
“Me, too.” My intentions weren’t to say it out loud, but the words still came from my mouth.
“Why?”
“Reality hit. And it hit hard.” I repeated her lines.
“How?”
“My wife, Anna, passed away two years ago,” I shared, standing to my feet, feeling my world as it began to spin. My time in her space had come to an end and I needed to escape before she continued to suck me into her web.
“When?” she yelled, raising her voice a few notches. I turned toward her, taken aback by the desperation in her tone.
“April 18th.”
I watched as her brows furrowed and her eyes shifted toward the ground. Her shoulders slouched while silence combed through the suite. I used it as my chance to free myself.
“The night of my accident,” she whimpered lowly, deepening my confusion. “Oh God. It makes sense.”
My desire to remove myself from the conversation heightened. I made it to the door and almost out of it completely before she called out to me again.
“Do you believe in rein— Do you believe in the transferal of souls?”
“Whatever it takes to turn that dream of a jewelry company out of your head and to reality, I’m willing to help. Whatever it takes, Aeir. Life’s too fucking precious to waste a second.”
Without another word, I continued out of the door with a bleeding heart and eyes.
“Malachi,” she shouted. “Did you hear me?”
Of course I’d heard her question. It held significant weight as I journeyed toward my home, stumbling, but not from intoxication—from displaced pain and a wounded heart. The heaviness of her words were like shackles on my feet, making it harder for me to reach my destination. And by the time I did, I was exasperated and unable to move forward. My body landed on the porch. It was as far as my legs would take me.
I could hear her footsteps in the dark. The sun was setting, leaving a lightless sky. The moon's glow was hardly enough to provide alone. Or maybe it was only on this side of the tracks, where hurt was hoarded and misfortunes made themselves at home.
“Malachi,” she rushed out.
“Not right now, Aeir,” I pleaded, never having pled for anything in life except for my wife back. Hearing someone make false claims that she was now part of their anatomy made me crumble.
“Please. Just listen to me.”
“Aeir.”
I shook my head because it was all I could do. The fight had been drained from my body. I had none left in me. All I could do was move my head from one side to the other, trying to convince her to stop before she even got started.
“Just please. Just listen to me, Malachi,” she requested, sitting next to me on the porch and placing both of my hands between hers.
“Since I woke up from my coma, weird things, really weird things, have been happening to me. Things I was unable to tell anyone because I was afraid of the judgment. Things that would make others look at me differently. Things I didn’t feel like explaining my way out of. At first, I thought they were results of the coma.”
She gestured with her hand, animating her words and making it harder for me to focus.
“Blurred visions almost every time I closed my eyes. That only lasted the first two or three days. After that, the visions became clearer and felt so real. I was always there, in the visions, with someone. First, it was the dark skin and the deep baritone that I didn’t recognize but felt so familiar at the same time. It was like a lullaby to my soul. The clarity increased, helping me make out the multiple markings on the dark skin.”
She described things she’d seen in full detail.
“From the top to the bottom of the arms was full of ink, beautiful displays of passion and priorities. Still fresh out of a coma, I felt unlike myself and unsettled in my location. My heart was screaming Berkeley, but when I blindly selected it on a map, I knew it was where I was supposed to be. It didn’t matter how well or unwell I might’ve been, something kept pushing me toward this city as if I belonged here… as if something here belonged to me. I searched the internet to find a job here in Berkeley.”
Everything sounded as unreal as it felt. Though I wanted to stop her, I wanted to keep listening just as much.
“Absolutely nothing piqued my interest until I stumbled upon your entry. When I saw that you’d just listed it the night before, I knew it was meant to be. I went the extra mile to call you and when you answered the phone, the lullaby began again. This time, it wasn’t in my head. It was on my line. Immediately, I felt things and there was a yearning so deep, it frightened me. I put all my eggs in one basket, hopped on a plane and came to Berkeley. From the moment I touched down, it felt like home. My home. But, not my new home. It felt as if I was returning to the place I was destined to be. Vaguely, I remembered this place, but I was unsure of how or why. I’m still unsure. But, it wasn’t foreign territory. Not at all. I navigated the grounds easily, finding you without hassle.”
Anna added it to the list of properties on our shared notes. Of course she would’ve remembered it, but it still didn’t convince me of why Aeir did.
