Dark Layers (Volume 3), page 22
I lower my head and just allow the tears to drown me.
He gently lifts my chin up with the pad of his thumb. He's staring with surety.
"It will hurt, but only for a while. Time is a healer. You will get better Princess - I promise."
"Who will help me when you go crazy again? I cannot deal with your darkness and a baby, Elijah."
"I will control myself, I will not go to that dark place ever again - I swear. I can get help, rehab or Amin will help me. We can leave, we can start again. We can do whatever you want, Princess. I swear I will not let you down, Anile."
I stare while frowning. The tears have stopped, they are allowing me to digest his strong yet painful words.
“Do you promise?”
“I promise, Princess.”
I lean forward on my knees. I shuffle between his legs and grasp his neck. I hug him as tight as I can because I truly believe him, I truly believe he will take care of me and our child.
He pulls me back so he can look at me.
“First thing’s first, is your father coming back to London with us or are we staying here?”
I smile while I momentarily suffer with shock – a good shock, happiness.
“You are going to stay here if I want you to?” I ask while staring like an idiot.
“I told you, I am going to take care of you - and I am not leaving without you.”
This is just beyond me. “I love you, Elijah.”
He cups my face and pulls me closer. He kisses my forehead tenderly.
“I know, I do to, Princess.”
I pull back and look up at him.
“You love yourself to?” I giggle.
He smiles sweetly. “There it is.”
“There what is?”
“That smile I adore – you know you giggle like a four year old, don’t you?”
“No I do not you cheeky git!” I joke and whack his arm.
He pulls me into his lap, turning my back and pulling me against his chest. He forces me to stay still.
“You know, although you were only gone for one night, I missed you terribly, Anile.”
I pull his arm tighter across my chest. “I know, I missed you too Elijah.”
I inhale deeply and an unexpected smell of cigarettes hits my nose.
"You reek of smoke. Why?"
He lightly laughs. "I needed something to calm my nerves."
"When did you start -" I'm instantly cut off. I jump out of my skin as I hear something plummeting to the floor – it sounds like boxes are crashing down.
“Daddy?” I shout out.
I get to my feet, as does Elijah. I quickly make my way out of the kitchen and into my father’s office. It still smells like old cologne and strong cigars, it makes me queasy. There are brown boxes everywhere - they must be Scarlet's. They are piled high behind my father's desk. There is no sign of my father.
“Daddy? Are you in here?”
“Anile!” Elijah shouts out.
He starts throwing boxes in every direction.
“Anile, your father!”
I quickly run to behind my father’s desk. Once I’m standing next to Elijah – he’s still moving boxes in a frenzy – I see my father’s hand just peering out from beneath the pile of brown boxes.
“DAD!”
“Anile. ANILE!” Elijah shouts.
I look at him but barely hear him speak.
“Anile, call an ambulance, now!”
“Elijah,” I breathe, “Elijah, do something!” I cry out.
“Anile, call a fucking ambulance!”
Somehow I manage to pull myself together. I run back into the kitchen and retrieve my phone off of the counter top. I dial nine, nine, nine.
"Emergency, which service do you require?"
"An ambulance, I need an ambulance."
"One moment please."
"No, I don't have a moment!" I scream. "Can you hear me?"
"I have a caller coming through from the number, 07777744437. The calls origin is, Maidstone, Kent. It's a female requesting an ambulance." The lady on the line says.
"Please hurry!" I call out.
She transfers me through.
"Miss, what's the problem?" A man asks in a kind soothing voice.
"My father, he's ill and he's fainted in his office!"
"What is your address?"
"It's, Gooden Cottage, Salts Lane, Maidstone."
"Okay, an ambulance is on its way Miss. Can you see your father?"
"No, I'm in the kitchen." I shake my head involuntarily.
"Can you get to him?"
"Yes, yes I can."
"Okay, can you go to him?"
"Yes."
I run back through the house and into his office. I reach my father. He's lying lifelessly on his office floor.
"Daddy." I sob. I grasp my face with worrying hands.
"Miss, is he breathing?"
"I, I don't know."
"What are they saying?" Elijah asks.
"They want to know if he's breathing."
Elijah shakes his head firmly, saying no.
"What? Check again!" I snap.
Elijah kneels down by my father. He hovers his hand above his mouth and then checks his pulse.
"Princess, he's not breathing."
"He's not breathing, he's not breathing!" I cry down the phone.
THE WALLS ARE SO PALE AND BLUE, lifeless. Why do they always paint hospitals blue? I hate it! And I feel like I have been waiting forever. The ambulance took ages, at least an hour to come – my father needed one sooner. He was unconscious for far too long. I’m not sure if he's going to make it. I lean against the cold blue wall and gasp for air. I lean forward and grasp my knees while trying to breathe. I feel panicked and scared, useless and partly to blame – maybe if I was there for my father from the beginning, he might have gotten better.
“Anile. Are you okay?” Elijah whispers.
I peer up at him. He looks so tired and drained; his face is pale and ghostly. He went to fetch me a cup of tea – I didn’t want one but he insisted I have one with plenty of sugar. I never have sugar in my tea, I think it masks the taste of tea. I stare at the paper cup for longer than necessary and wonder why people always use a cuppa as a solution to problems.
“Anile, when you are ready, the doctor wants to talk to you.” Elijah says in almost a whisper.
“Why didn’t you tell me that first before you gave me the tea?” I snap.
He blinks rapidly – he’s uncomfortable. “I just wanted to try and ease your pain for only a second, Princess.”
I stare down at his hands, he’s clutching a cup of coffee.
“I’m sorry. I’m all over the place.” I shake my head.
“I know Princess, it’s okay.”
“Where is the doctor?”
“In there.” He points to the room right next to us.
I walk ahead of him; the room feels like it’s further than it actually is. I push the solid white door open. A very young Asian man is seated; he flashes me a sympathetic smile, I know what he has to tell me is nothing short of bad news. He looks kind and too young. Long dark floppy hair and innocent big brown eyes. His long white doctor's coat is enough to put anyone off.
“Please take a seat, Miss Gooden.” He extends a long hand out for me to seat myself next to him.
I walk in a daze – I’m trying to take advantage of my father living. I sit in the comfy burgundy chair. It has too much foam; it’s cheap, but I suspect all these chairs are cheap and made in mass amounts.
“Hello, Mr.?” I say strong. I’m blocking my emotions – I’m not ready for this.
“I'm Dr. Aden. I appreciate your patience, Miss Gooden.”
“Is my father okay?” I cannot help but ask right away. I need to know that he will live another day – just so I can tell him how much I love him and how sorry I am that I ignored him for so long.
“Anile, your father has been through the final stages of cancer over the past few months and he is now unconscious. I am sorry, but there is nothing more we can do for him.”
I swallow hard, once, twice.
“No, I have only just found out. You have to wake him up so I can speak with him, he has to know that I forgive him and that I love him.” I say emotionless.
He’s full of sympathy. “It does not work like that, Anile.”
“Why not?” I beg. “Why can’t you just wake him for five minutes?”
“It is impossible. You need to go and say your goodbyes. I am so very sorry.”
“Anile.” Elijah whispers.
I forgot he was even here; he just disappeared into the background. I turn and gaze at him from the side. He’s also sitting in one of the burgundy chairs. He looks impassive, there is not a single emotion on his face.
“Anile, your father is almost gone. The doctors can do no more. You need to go and say goodbye.” He whispers in a tender voice.
I stare at him; it feels like forever. I cannot tell if he’s being serious, I don’t want him to be serious.
“Elijah, you have more money than you can spend – spend it on someone who can wake him up. Please.” I urge.
He leans over to me. He gently takes my left hand in his. He stares down at my hand – he cannot look into my eyes.
“Money cannot save him, Princess. You need to go and tell him goodbye.”
I look up at the ceiling. These hospitals really do spend little to nothing on décor.
“Okay.” I say. I rise to my feet. “Where is he?”
“I can take you to his room, Miss Gooden.”
“Great.” I say deadpan.
I follow after the doctor out into the waiting area, past all the people waiting to see a doctor or waiting for good news. We pass an area of curtains that are giving privacy to patients. We reach the biggest door I have ever seen in my life.
“Please go inside, Miss Gooden.” The doctor says.
I push the door open. I stop on the threshold; I’m paralyzed. My father has a huge tube down his throat, his chest is rising and falling in perfect motion. I know the machine is keeping him alive. All I can hear is a consistent beeping, it’s his heart beat on a monitor. Elijah is just behind me with the doctor, but for some reason I slam the door behind me so no one can enter. I take small steps towards my father. I can see his hand by his side, peeping out just beneath the crisp white sheet.
“Daddy?” I whisper.
He says nothing, he’s just breathing. I spot a plastic grey chair in the corner of the room. I slide it across the floor – it creates the most horrific screeching sound - like nails grinding down a blackboard - but I hope it will wake my father, so I pull it past where I'm standing and around to the other side of him. It doesn’t wake him. I position the chair right next to my father and seat myself. I stare at his almost blue hand. I want to touch him but I’m scared. I inhale deeply and notice the most off putting musky smell. I screw up my entire face and look around for some air freshener - it literally smells like death in here. There is no air freshener, there is nothing but this horrid damp smell. I cover my nose with my hand.
I sit for what feels like hours and I just watch him breathe, in and out, in and out, it’s so perfect, almost like music. I want to touch him, I need to. I take his hand in mine and a sudden feeling of loss washes over me. My eyes well and my chest heavies. Oh God, he’s going to die! He’s really going to die! I try to close my mouth to hide my clenched teeth but I cannot – my inside sobbing won’t allow me to close my lips. I start to pant in perfect sync with my father's chest. I feel as though I weigh ten thousand stone, I feel so heavy – or at least my heart does! His hand is so cold, like ice. I try to warm it by rubbing it with both my hands, but it doesn't work.
“Daddy, can you hear me?“ I whisper.
He doesn’t answer me, he doesn’t move, he just lies deadly still.
“Daddy, I forgive you.” I say in a bask of sobs.
I lower my head down to his arm and rub the back of his ice cold hand against my cheek.
“I forgive you for everything you did to me and mother. I just want you back, even if you are evil again, I just want you back.” I cry uncontrollably.
Tears make their way down my face, soaking me like a wet Tsunami. I cannot stop them – I can never stop them these days. It’s as though I am meant to suffer.
“Please Daddy, please don’t leave me.” I sob against his hand. “Who will take care of me? Of mother? Please, you cannot leave me!” I sob aggressively.
This cannot be happening, I must be dreaming, I must be! My mother, how will I take care of her, my child, myself and Elijah – how will I make it?
“Anile.” I hear Elijah whisper. “Princess, please, let me be here for you.”
I peer around at him. My eyes are damp, damper than ever before. This is too painful, too painful to even fathom. I feel like something inside me is dying along with my father.
“Elijah.” I sob.
I rest my head back down atop of my father's cold hand. I don’t want to be parted from him.
Elijah comes up from behind me. He doesn’t hug me, he just rests a strong hand on my shoulder.
“I will take care of Anile, Mr. Gooden. I will take care of Anile and Fraya. You can find piece.” Elijah whispers from behind me.
I don’t need to say anything, I know he will.
Suddenly, my father's breathing stops. Everything starts beeping in hysteria, the beeping machine is going crazy!
“Elijah, what’s happening?” I scream through sobs.
“Doctor! Doctor!” Elijah calls out.
“Elijah!” I scream.
He grabs me in his arms and pulls me out of the door. I try to fight through his grip but it’s impossible.
“Elijah, let me go!” I scream.
I try to hit him, kick him – I even try to bite him but he doesn’t budge.
“Princess, you don’t want to go in there. Please don’t fight me, I will not let you go.” He says.
His voice sounds broken, almost more broken than mine. I sink in his arms and try to stare into the room. My eyes are so swollen, I can barely see!
“We are losing him!” I hear a woman shout from inside my father’s room.
“No - Elijah.” I cry.
I turn and stuff myself into Elijah’s chest. I don’t want to be here.
“Ah-ha-ha-ha!” I cry.
I clutch at my tummy and crouch down against the wall because the most vicious cramp possesses me. My eyes are wide with pain, my tummy is full of a pinching sensation. Stress, it must be stress.
“Anile, what’s wrong?” Elijah says in a hurry.
“Nothing. Nothing. What is going on?”
“Anile, is the baby okay?”
I quickly narrow my eyes up at him. “What is going on with my father, Elijah?” I snap.
Elijah thrashes his head between the suite window and me. “I don’t know Princess. Are you okay? You look as white as a ghost, Anile.”
“I am fine.” I snap between my gritted teeth.
But I am not fine, my tummy hurts. The left side of my tummy really, really hurts – like stabbing, something feels like it’s stabbing me from the inside. It’s the grief, I know it. It’s because I don’t want to lose my father. Once they save him I will be okay.
“Anile.” Elijah gasps. “You’re bleeding.” I look up at him quickly. His eyes are unlit, he looks horrified. I try to focus on his face but everything feels as though it’s going blurry.
“Elijah.” I scream but I don’t think he can hear me. “Elijah?”
I try to breathe but the pain is growing rapidly. It hurts so damn much, I think it’s making me black out.
“Elijah.” I whisper before I start to fall to the ground.
I WAKE TO THE MOST excruciating pain.
"Ah!" I gasp.
It’s still hitting the left side of my tummy. It feels better than before but still, it hurts more than anything I have ever felt. I open my eyes. Everything is cloudy because I feel very sleepy, groggy. I gaze around the blue room. It smells like bleach and plasters, it's horrid! I slap my lips together to try and reduce my watery mouth.
I see Elijah stood flush against the blue wall. He's just staring at me with a blank, empty face.
“Elijah.” I say in a weak voice.
“Anile, how are you feeling?” He says tenderly.
He slowly walks towards me. He lowers down to my level, hunching over me. He touches my cheek gently and runs his intoxicating fingers over my skin. His touch soothes me, it makes me feel a little better.
"Are you okay, Princess?" He whispers.
“I hurt, here.” I hold my tummy over the white sheet.
He cups my hand. He looks pained, like something is bothering him.
My eyes widen. “My father.” I gasp.
Tears dress his eyes and my face splits into two. My eyes well, my tummy pangs in further pain.
“Elijah?” I beg.
“They couldn’t save him, Anile.” He says in shame.
He lowers his head but I barely notice. I peer down my body and gaze at my naked toes that are pointing out of the white sheet – it’s the same kind of sheet my father had covering his lifeless body. I pull the sheet off of myself in aggression. I’m hurt, sad, lonely and depressed, and… broken.
“No, no, no!” I start to cry out.
I clutch at my pinching tummy. It hurts but not as much as my heart. My heart feels vacant.
“Anile, I have to tell you something. I swear I don’t want to, but I have to.”
“Don’t!” I grit my teeth. “If you tell me something bad, I will hate you forever!” I warn. I’m pointing both my index fingers at him – my eyes are wild and I’m sure they are puce.
“Then you must hate me forever.” He says in a shattered voice.
“What?” I snap. “What could be worse than my father dying?”
Tears start to flow down his beautiful now pale face. He cannot stop them like I couldn’t. I have never seen him so… broken. Small sobs escape his mouth; he moans lightly while trying to subside his pain.
“Anile, you passed out and you were bleeding, you were in pain, you were ill. The doctors brought you in for an emergency ultrasound because I told them you are pregnant.”
