Dark Layers (Volume 3), page 21
"Anile?" He says in shock - his voice is too high pitched.
"Daddy," I breathe, "I need your help." I start to sob.
I lean over and rest my elbows on my knees. I cup my forehead while tears graze my face.
"Why? What's wrong? Where are you?" He asks panicked.
"Daddy, I need you to come and get me."
"Where are you and I'll come now?"
"I don't know. I'm out the back of London, near Dartford, I think."
"Anile, you are scaring me. Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"No, I'm not hurt but I'm not okay. Can you come and get me, please?"
"I'm already on my way. I'll track your phone, keep the signal on."
"Okay, thank you." I continue to cry.
"Anile, I am so, so sorry for hitting you. I have suffered every day and I miss you."
My father sounds so different; he's never in his life been this tender. What the hell is wrong?
"Okay Daddy, it's okay, I forgive you. I need to leave where I am. I will walk a few roads away and wait for you."
"If you are in Dartford, I will be with you in around forty-five minutes."
"Okay, thank you Daddy."
I shut down the phone and sneak out of the waiting area through the archway the Dr. came through. I walk down a narrowed hall and spot the red front door. I pull the gold chain lock off and quietly open the door. I put the latch on so the door stays unlocked - I have to otherwise they might hear it close.
Once I'm outside in the little front garden, I walk fast away from the house - but not fast enough. This road is going on forever! I see a sign for Birchwood road and quickly text my father. I keep walking but it's never ending. After fifteen minutes, I decide to sit behind some cars that are parked on the roadside.
My phone starts to ring, it's Elijah. Shit! I quickly flick the little button on the side of my I Phone and put it on silent. I cannot speak to him, he has scared me, and also made me question how I feel about this pregnancy. He keeps calling but I continue letting his call ring into the voice mail service.
After an hour of waiting, I see my father pass by in his silver Jaguar. I quickly call him.
"Daddy, turn around, I'm behind a blue Corsa and a red Fiesta."
"Okay, stay there Anile."
I rise to my feet and peer around the cars. After only a minute he pulls up to the curb. I jump into his car faster than lightning. I deflate all over and exhale sharply. Now I feel safe. Although he hit me and we fell out so badly, he's still my father and there really is no place like the safety of your parents.
Bizarrely, he grabs me and pulls me into a rib crushing bear hug.
"Daddy what's wrong?" I say into his ear. I wrap my arms around his waist to show him how much I have missed him.
"Anile, I don't know where to start."
I thought I was the one with a problem to tell! It seems not. I pull back from him and gaze into his eyes. He looks ill, really pale and dehydrated; his lips are almost blue and his bright blue eyes are dead, unlit.
"Daddy what's wrong? You are scaring me now." I say in a weak voice. Never in my life have I seen my father like this - something is really wrong.
"Anile, I'm not well. Really, not well."
I frown. "Well then let's get you to the hospital."
"No, it's not like that." He sighs strongly. "There is no other way to tell you this, there will never be a right time."
"Daddy, you are scaring me. Tell me what's wrong." I force.
He takes my hand in his. He feels bony, too skinny. I stare down at his thin fingers.
"Anile, a few months back I was diagnosed with lung cancer. It's terminal; I only have weeks left."
I blink rapidly while staring out of the cars window screen. Did I just hear him right or am I imagining this?
"What? Why are you telling me this now? Why not when you found out? Is this a joke? Because if it is, it's in poor taste." I'm babbling.
"Anile, calm down."
"I am calm!" I snap.
"Anile, I need your help. I have no one." He says in a broken voice.
"Of course I will help you," I snap, "we will get you better, it cannot be terminal. You are so damn healthy." I gasp one word after the other and wonder how I'm even managing to speak. "Where is Scarlet?"
"I divorced her when I found out I was ill, to insure she didn't get her hands on your inheritance."
I freeze for a moment - I think it's hitting me slowly.
"You are serious aren't you? Are you really dying?"
He says nothing, he just nods and gazes at me with damp eyes.
"No, no, no." I cover my ears while I start to tremble. "No, you are lying - you cannot be ill, you cannot be dying!" I scream.
Fuck he's serious. I thought it may be one of his tricks to get me back into his life, but he's really serious!
"Anile, look at me."
"No!" I cry, "no, stop this, stop this!" I cry.
"Please Sweetheart, please listen to me. You need to prepare yourself. You need to listen to me."
"Daddy I'm pregnant. You cannot be ill - I need you, I need you to help me, I need you to take care of me." I sob into my hands.
He rubs my back tenderly while I pant like a crazed animal.
"I am so happy for you." He says in a whisper.
I thrash my gaze up at him. "How can you be happy for me when you are leaving me, Daddy?" I cry.
"Anile, I'm not leaving you on purpose. Please." He begs.
"No," I squeeze my eyes shut, "no, I don't want this."
He says nothing, he just lets me cry my pain out. I try to catch my breath but I cannot, my sobs are robbing me of all oxygen. My tummy is battering in and out at a dangerous speed, I feel so sick.
After a while of silence, I open my eyes. I cast them over my father's body and notice he's really skinny. He's wearing horrid clothes; nasty grey loosely fitted trousers and a red knitted jumper that's also too big for him. I somehow have to be strong for him, I somehow have to find the strength inside myself.
"You're so skinny." I whisper.
He frowns sadly at me. "I know, it's the chemotherapy."
"Why did you have chemo if you are dying?"
"They thought they could save me." He laughs lightly. "It turns out this old bugger isn't so invincible."
God I'm so sad for him, and for me and my mother - and my soon to be child. This is wrong, so damn wrong.
I lower my gaze. "I'll take care of you, I'll always be here for you, Daddy." I whisper.
Chapter Thirteen
I WAKE IN MY childhood bedroom. The walls are still florescent pink with a peach pink flowery border in the centre of the walls. My pink blinds are drawn over the low cottage windows so I cannot see the dawn upon me. My old handcrafted dolls house is still in place beside the small door into my bedroom - it's a thatched cottage with an open front so children can play inside it easily. I have been gazing at it for hours. I couldn't sleep properly last night; I was in and out of dreams; they are haunting me. I dreamt I had a deformed child - a little girl - and that I couldn't help her. I was a terrible mother in my dream, I abandoned my child after only days of giving birth.
Pull yourself together Anile, stop wallowing and just pull yourself together!
I turn on my back and try to prepare myself for breakfast with my ill father. I hoped I would wake to a brighter day, I hoped that my pregnancy and my father's illness was all just a bad dream - but it isn't. I slowly climb out of bed and slip my feet into my old slippers; they are fluffy and white and surprisingly still fit. My pyjamas are cute and pink with rabbits dotted all over the place - I almost look twelve again.
I make my way out of my bedroom and down the small dark hallway. The house smells a little damp, I wonder why the cleaner hasn't been taking proper care of the house?
I eye all my childhood photos that are scattered all over the cream uneven walls. The frames are mismatched and unevenly hung but they are all the same colour - a deep copper. My mother liked the shabby chic look. I smile fondly while remembering her doting love for me. My father removed all my mother's photos from downstairs but he has shocked me - all the photos have just been moved to up here, I presume for Scarlet's sake. I spot my favourite photo of my mother and I, I have exactly the same photo at home next to my bed. I must be around five or six, dressed in a pretty pink dress and a summer hat to keep me from the sun. We are having a picnic in a wild field with overgrown flowers. The flowers are bright yellow and so tall - I still remember how fresh and sweet they smelt. I pull the photo off of the wall and gaze down at it. My mother looks happy, happier than I have ever seen her. Her warm blue eyes jump out of the photo at me. Her hair is all messy and curly, set just beneath a straw hat. I breathe a huge *sigh* and place the photo back onto the wall.
I continue down the hall until I reach the top of the dark wooden staircase. I stop abruptly because I hear shouting.
"You get out of my house now!" I hear my father order.
"I am not leaving until I see Anile." I hear someone say. I don't need to see a face to put the name to a person - I know it's Elijah.
I kneel down and sit on the top step. I try to peer down the staircase but my father's staircase bends around a little, so you cannot get a clear view all the way down.
"She left you last night so she could have a break - take the hint!" My father snaps.
"Mr. Gooden, that was my fault, please let me fix it. Your daughter is carrying my child and I love her with everything that I am. I cannot leave until I see that she is okay."
"She is in bed and she is fine - now leave!"
"Daddy it's okay." I say in a low voice once I reach the bottom of the stairs.
"Anile, Princess." Elijah says with relief. He tries to walk towards me but my father stands right in front of him.
"Mr. Gooden, please do not test my patience." Elijah warns with a deadpan expression.
My father ignores Elijah's warning, standing firm and strong in front of him still.
"Daddy, it's okay."
My father turns to look at me. "Anile, you don't have to see him if you don't want to."
I smile sweetly at him. "I know, thank you Daddy. I will send him on his way once we have spoken."
"I am not leaving here without you Anile." Elijah says with surety.
"You are -" My father starts to say but I cut him off.
"Please you two, don't argue. - Elijah, come through to the kitchen."
I turn right in the hall and walk towards the kitchen. I duck beneath the little doorway and step down onto the terracotta cold floor. I smile fondly when I set eyes on my mother's work of art. A kitchen for the classy and country bumpkin. The cupboards are made from solid oak, hand crafted so perfectly. The top cupboards have glass doors so you can see all her china and crystal glasses. The oven is magnificent, a duck egg arger that most women would have killed for, surrounded by exposed red bricks; the walls are uneven cream; the table is in the centre of the kitchen and it's really dated - I'm surprised Scarlet has not changed it. It's pine and the table top is so many different colours due to pot burning and cup staining.
Elijah follows after me; he's silent and it annoys me, considering he had a lot to say to my father.
"What do you want Elijah?" I ask. I cross my arms and lean against the worktop.
He laughs a little but it's not a sarcastic laugh, it's a fond laugh. "You look really cute in your pyjamas." He says tenderly.
I stare right at him. He's still in yesterdays clothes and looks like he hasn't slept a wink.
"Please tell me what you want?"
"That is a stupid question, I want you to come back to London with me. I was wrong and I'm sorry. The doctor told me that my tubes have grown back together, I am no longer firing blanks." He shakes his head firmly; he cannot believe this is happening either.
"I knew something must have been wrong - I would never cheat Elijah, that is not my style."
"Can we please just forget last night happened? And can you please come back to London with me, Anile? I am not leaving without you."
He walks towards me slowly. I don't stop him, I want his comfort, I really do not want to argue about this - I need him. He reaches me and instantly wraps his arms around me. I release a huge *sigh* and bask in his embrace. I clutch at his waist and try to fight back my war of tears while resting my head against his chest.
"Elijah, I was so scared, so worried." I say in a broken voice.
He kisses my temple. "Princess, I'm so, so sorry. I swear I will never doubt you again." He says into my ear. "Please come home with me, Anile."
I shake my head. "I can't." I whisper.
He pulls back slowly; he takes my chin between his fingers while hunching his head down to look at me.
"Why not? We can get past this, Anile. I told you that I am not leaving without you. So is your father ready for me to stay as well as you?"
I stare at him with no expression; he doesn't even blink - not once, he's waiting for my reaction.
I look down at the ground, peering just between our bodies.
"My father, he's sick." I whisper.
"What's wrong with him? We will get him a good doctor, whatever the cost, I'll pay." He says firm.
My lips tremble, my heart aches further. I clutch at my tummy in hope that I can still it. "No, you don't understand. He's dying."
The flood gates instantly open. I cannot hold back, my chest hurts too damn much. I feel useless, weak, I feel like I have no purpose. How will I live without my father? He's a mean old Bastard but he's still my father nonetheless.
"What's wrong with him?"
I sniff away my runny nose; I wipe my damp eyes with the back of my hands. Elijah has not moved, he's letting me cry - he knows I need to.
"Lung cancer. He has only weeks to live."
His entire face drops. He's stunned. He moves away from me and leans against the counter top next to me. He gazes down at the floor impassively.
My phone starts to ring so I lift it out of my top pyjama pocket.
"Who's that?" Elijah says in a weak voice.
"I don't know, it's a blocked number."
I slide the screen open and answer.
"Hello?"
"Anile, don't hang up the phone. It's Cast."
"What the hell do you want?" I snap.
This is not the time for him to be playing his sick games! If he is not careful, I will march upstairs, retrieve my father's shot gun and blow his fucking head off!
"Who is it?" Elijah whispers.
I hold my hand up to silence him for a minute.
"Look, I want to confess and apologise to you."
"Confess what?"
The phone is silent for a few seconds. "The press publishing stories on you; Jezebel showing up to your apartment; your father hitting you; everything, it was all me."
I grit my teeth. "How could that have been all you?" I ask in a violent voice.
My blood starts to boil over - I am slowly but surely turning into Zeus.
"Answer me!" I snap.
"I told Jezebel where you lived and I wound her up about you and Elijah. I paid Sophie to leak stories on you to the press. I found out your father was ill and used it against him so he would abandon you." He's silent for a second. "Also, I had Jezebel do some digging and she found tons of paperwork with your lives history; I posted it to you. I'm sorry. Now that you are pregnant I want it all to stop, I won't bother you anymore."
"You fucking Bastard! You used my father's illness against him! You fucking paid my oldest best friend to sell my fucking virginity, didn't you?"
"Yes." He breathes down the phone.
"Anile, who the fuck is that?" Elijah snaps.
I slam down the phone.
"It is your brother. It's him and Sophie that have been going to the press." I lower my head - I'm in shock. "He somehow found out my father was ill and forced my father to disown me! Fuck Elijah, he used Jezebel's love for you to his advantage! What the hell is wrong with him?"
He swallows hard. "Anile, I want you to know everything about me and I will tell you - but for now, you need to focus on your health and you need to spend time with your father. Once we are in a more stable place, I will tell you everything." He urges.
I want to force him to tell me everything now but I stop and think - he is right, I'm pregnant, my father is sick, I need to take one thing at a time.
I peer up at him - fuck I feel all over the place. I feel like I am about to have a stroke! My head is hot, my hands are ice cold, my heart is pounding. I don't want any of this -I want it all to stop.
I break down to the floor in buckets of tears. I sob loud and viciously. I just cannot stop my tears from flowing. Elijah immediately falls down beside me. He pulls me under his arm and just hugs me tightly.
"It's okay Princess, let it out. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere." He whispers into my ear.
His words don't help, they cause more tears. I can feel my runny nose dripping down my face; my eyes are swollen; my voice is dry. Elijah pulls my face up so he can see me. He wipes my mouth and eyes with his hands. He dries his hands on his black t-shirt, not giving a crap that his shirt is now covered in all my snot.
"Anile, look at me." He says in a strong voice.
I gaze up at him; my vision is cloudy due to my balling eyes but I see his confidence, I see his willingness.
"Anile, I will take care of you. I will do everything in my power to make sure you are always okay - you and our baby. I know the outcome with your father is out of our hands but I promise you, when he is gone, you will never have to worry, I will always be here for you - I swear."
My breathing is broken, blocked by my thick swollen throat because I am trying to stop myself from sobbing.
"I should be suffering more, I should not be this lucky to have you and a baby when my father has nothing and no one."
"Anile, our pain is our suffering - and I know you are in pain right now."
He's right, he always is.
"Elijah, what am I going to do when he's gone? You cannot guarantee that you will always be here for me. How will I deal with the pain, how will I ever be okay ever again once he is dead?" I sob.
