Succubus Lord 19, page 6
“After we took out its rider,” Cupi reminded the tan Demon Lord.
“You should have seen how it was trying to kick and bite us,” Ariel noted. “This thing was total bad news bears.”
“I’ll take your word for it,” I said. “But for now, we need all hands on deck for that motherfucker who’s after Todd.”
War still rode atop his horse, and he literally shrugged off every single attack my allies threw at him. Liby’s yellow darts, Tris’ enchanted Tommy gun bullets, Eclipse’s naginata blade, and even Gula’s giant battle axe just bounced off War’s body like they were made of rubber.
“H-How the fuck are we going to kill that?” Cupi sputtered.
“He’s got a one-track mind,” Raphael added. “And it appears that ‘one track’ is smashing Todd into a bloody pulp.”
“We’re going to take him out the same way we killed the other two,” I announced. “By putting our heads together and figuring out his weakness.”
“He’s obsessed with Todd,” Cupi chuckled. “That in and of itself should be a pretty glaring weakness.”
“See if you guys can crack his thick skin ” I commanded. “I’ll try to attack from afar and see if I can get his attention.”
I watched as Raph, Cupi, Ariel, and Deja took to the sky, and then I tried to wrack my brain to see what I could do to kill that muscle-bound fuckwit. I summoned purple flames into my hand, took aim at War’s trajectory, and then called forth yellow flames into the other. In one single motion, I tossed up a wall of purple Hellfire directly in front of War, and the ugly fucker slammed into it with enough force to knock out an elephant.
Before he could retaliate, I surrounded War with a flaming violet cube, injected my yellow flames into the spell, and then watched as dozens of spinning, razor-sharp disks emerged from the walls. I collapsed the cube onto War and his horse like I was trying to crumple a piece of paper, and the blades whirred in place as they attempted to cut through his skin.
It didn’t fucking work. There were dozens of miniature magic buzzsaws pressed up against the fucker’s skin right now, and he was still standing.
“Puny Nephilim!” War roared from inside the box.
The horseman let out a battle cry as he slammed his fists against the side of the cube, and I was instantly knocked down onto my ass. The violet and yellow walls of the prison dissipated in a flash, and War was set free.
Holy fuck, this guy really was impossible to kill.
“Bro!” Todd panted as he zipped down to my side. “Brobrobrobrobro!”
“What?” I shouted at the imp as I watched War set his sights on Todd. “Whatever it is, you’d better hurry, because your Pepe Lepew is about to come this way.”
“First off, wow,” Todd scoffed. “That dude is totally a rapist. Secondly, as much as I appreciate you guys and everything you do… Your attacks ain’t doing jack shit right now.”
“What do you suggest, then?” I growled. “We’re literally throwing everything but the kitchen sink at this bastard.”
“Then throw the kitchen sink at him, Jakey,” Todd suggested. “He’s totally Mongo, bro. You just gotta become Sheriff Bart.”
“I’m not giving him a candygram,” I chuckled.
“That’s not what I mean, bro.” Todd rolled his eyes. “You have to think outside the bun.”
“I think you mean ‘outside the box?’” I corrected as I sheathed my sword and called my warhammer into my hands.
“Now’s not the time to go all English teacher on me, bro!” Todd screamed as he grabbed onto my shoulders and shook me wildly. “I’m about to literally get fist-fucked by Sloth’s roided-out cousin!”
War wore a massive, toothy smile beneath his helmet as he rode toward us, with practically all of our friends right on his tail. Suddenly, there was a bright white light, and War was knocked from his horse with a shot of Divine energy.
“Ow!” the horseman gasped as fell off his mount and plummeted toward the ground.
War slammed into the dirt with an earth-shaking thud, but then he was instantly back on his feet.
“Boo-yah!” Raphael fist-pumped into the air, and then he lowered himself down so he was about fifty feet away from War. “You aren’t dealing with a Demon Lord or a lowly imp anymore… No offense, Todd.”
“Lots taken,” Todd noted. “But continue.”
“You’re dealing with an Archangel, my friend,” Raph declared in his deepest, most badass voice.
“Friend?” War quirked his head to the side. “You no friend.”
“It’s… It’s a term of addressment.” The Archangel frowned as he explained. “Like ‘man’ or ‘dude’ or as Todd likes to say ‘jabroni.’”
“You call me salami?” War growled as spittles of rabid foam sprayed from his mouth.
“Um, no…” Raph raised an eyebrow. “I called you ‘friend.’”
“I no friend!” War slammed his fists into the ground like an angry toddler.
“Of course, you’re not my friend,” the dark-haired angel mused. “Why would anybody want to be friends with a brutish, boorish oaf like you?”
“War rip off puny angel’s head!” The horseman’s eyes were red and bulging as foam oozed from his mouth.
War’s horse swooped down, and the demon sprang up onto its back as it passed him by. Then the horseman raised his giant sword into the air like a lance and took aim squarely at Raph’s chest.
I tossed out a portal of green Hellfire right in front of the charging horseman’s sword and watched the weapon disappear into the glowing jade spell. Next, I commanded a second portal to appear just off to the side of War’s head, and the fucker didn’t even see it coming.
War’s sword stabbed through the side of his helmet and then out the other side with a wet shluck. The horseman’s tongue flopped out of his mouth as his body went limp, and his skeletal horse evaporated into a pile of bone dust. War’s body slammed into the ground and then rolled to the feet of Raphael, who stopped it with his white boot.
Without hesitation, Raphael whipped out his FAMAS, pointed it at War’s head, and unloaded a full magazine into the corpse’s face at point-black range. The Archangel continued on for a solid minute, until he ran out of ammo.
“There!” Raph proclaimed as he tossed his FAMAS back over his shoulder. “The horseman is defeated.”
“I think he was already dead when the sword went through his head,” Libidine noted with a raised finger.
“You don’t know that.” Raph shrugged. “For all we know, that may have only been a simple flesh wound. His skin was quite impenetrable, after all.”
“So was your mom,” Todd snickered under his breath. “Until she met the Toddster, some Zinfandel, and the smooth tunes of Mr. David Sanborn.”
“What did you say about my mother?” Raphael gasped as he whipped his head around to the imp.
“You’re an Archangel,” Ariel reminded him. “You don’t have a mother.”
“Oh,” Raph chuckled. “That’s right. We angels never experienced the feeling of a mother’s loving touch, nor the soft nestle of comfort that lies in her bosom.”
“Annnnnnd now it’s getting weird.” Todd threw up his hands in defeat.
“We cannot rest yet,” Libidine declared. “There is still one horseman left!”
“What?” Aruna’s voice announced from behind us. “This guy here?”
I turned around to see Aruna holding Famine by the nape of his neck. His glowing silver hands were bound together behind him, which rendered them completely useless.
Oliver, Ira, Lunacio, Jane, Inpulsa, and Sia all stood beside the Rakshasi, and they all wore proud smiles on their faces.
Well, everyone other than Ira and Lunacio. They both had frowns, and their arms were crossed across their chests.
“We could have had way more fun with this guy before we killed him,” Ira pouted.
“Yeah,” Lunacio huffed. “I was on the brink when Aruna and Inpulsa here swooped in and spoiled all our fun.”
“On the brink of what?” Raphael questioned.
“Ohhhhhh no, Raphey,” Todd warned. “You don’t want to know--”
“An earth-quaking, vulva-shattering orgasm, of course!” Lunacio giggled. “I think I would have caused a second great flood with all the edging this guy had us doing.”
Raph’s face contorted into a disgusted cringe, and he took a massive step back as he looked down at the ground at Lunacio’s feet.
“Told ya, bro,” Todd chuckled. “But does anybody listen to the Toddster? Noooooo.”
“Don’t worry, Archangel,” Lunacio reassured Raph. “Your friends here ruined it by taking him captive. I’m as dry as the desert right now.”
Raphael shook his head and let out a strange, horse-whinny sound as his whole body shuddered.
“Alright, motherfucker,” I growled as I squatted down to look Famine in the eye. “Where is Lucifer? Does he know what we’re doing here on Earth? How did you know where to find us?”
“Fuck you, Nephilim traitor.” Famine tried to spit in my face, but I blocked his lugee with a flash of purple flames. “You’re a disgrace to Lucifer’s creation.”
“Do we really have to do this whole song and dance?” I sighed as I drew my goat-headed dagger from its sheath and held it to Famine’s throat. “You claim you don’t want to talk, so I have to threaten you. Somehow that makes you even more defiant, and then I have to go a step further and start beating the shit out of you. Which somehow makes you feel even better about yourself. That is, until the body parts start getting cut off… Then, and only then, will you start talking. Are you really going to make me have to do that, Famine?”
“Fuck you,” the horseman repeated. “Do your worst.”
“I’m not the one who’s going to do it,” I explained to the demon. “I leave all the torture up to those two over there.”
I pointed over at Lunacio and Ira, who both grinned devilishly and waved at our captive.
Famine’s eyes grew wide as his mind surely raced with the thoughts of what awaited him, but then he shook his head once more.
“Did you hear that, Ira?” Lunacio giggled. “Now we get to be the ones who have some fun…”
Lunacio and Ira walked forward, and the brunette succubus grabbed Famine by his beard.
The horseman let out a wail of pain as Lunacio turned around and began to drag him away toward the still-burning mansion. Famine kicked and tried to fight his captors, but it was no use.
Ira and Lunacio had him right where they wanted him, and now it was playtime.
Chapter 5
“There,” Cupi announced as she released her spell of blue Hellfire, and the blonde Demon Lord lowered herself back down to the rest of the group as we stared off at the remnants of our mansion. “That should be the last of the flames.”
Even though Cupi had managed to put out the fire, we’d been so preoccupied with the four horsemen that three-quarters of the place had been engulfed in flames. The white stucco walls were stained black with smoke, and the entire left side of the dwelling had completely crumbled away from the structural damage the fire caused.
“Holy shit, bro!” Todd’s voice announced from somewhere inside the rubble. “I found ‘em!”
The little imp flew up out of the ruins with a large black fire safe in his hands. He floated down to the ground, placed the box before us, and then shoved his key into the lock.
“What is it, Todd?” Deja asked as she clapped her hands together. “Is it money you’ve saved from your multi-level marketing company.”
“Todd’s Treasures?” The imp looked up as he turned the key. “That’s an idea that’s come and gone.”
“Excuse me?” Oliver spoke up. “Did I just hear you say Todd’s Treasures is no more?”
“What happened to the large sum of money I paid to become a Platinum Member?” Raphael demanded. “My status as a platinum member is not something I take lightly.”
“Chillax, bros,” Todd reassured the men. “Todd’s Treasures is founded on one principle, and one principle only--”
“Oh, good,” Oliver sighed. “You are always looking out for your investors.”
“No…” the imp scoffed. “Our motto is ‘Fuck Bitches, Get Money.’ It’s like you weren’t even paying attention at the onboarding meeting, Ollie.”
“I was paying attention,” Raphael proclaimed. “How else do you think I was able to rise up the ranks so quickly? I am the perfect employee for such a well-crafted, people-focused multi-level marketing company.”
“Uh, right,” Todd mumbled under his breath. “It’s totally not because you shelled out the most dough.”
“So, what’s happening to our investment?” Oliver demanded as he ran his hands through his wiry hair. “I put quite a bit of the cult’s money into Todd’s Treasures.”
“You did what?” Jane and I both gasped at the same time.
“Todd assured me it was a solid investment!” the white-haired cult leader argued. “We were killing demons on the daily at the time, so I figured a business that sold paranormal artifacts would never dry up.”
“Turns out we got a lot better at killing jabronis, bro,” Todd chuckled. “Once Jakey got up to Goku levels of power, there really wasn’t much left of the people we iced. Sooo… I’m boldly leading Todd’s Treasures into a new, much more prosperous venture.”
“Which would be…?” Raph trailed off.
“Knives, Raphey,” Todd declared with a proud smirk.
“Knives.” The Archangel frowned. “As in, weapons, or…”
“No, no.” Todd shook his head. “As in kitchen knives. I got this letter in the mail the other day from this place that sells knives, and they made it sound soooo easy to make a quick buck. So, I called up the company, told ‘em they could use the Todd’s Treasures name to promote their product, and they were all over it.”
“Uh-huh.” Superbia smirked knowingly at the imp’s story. “And I assume they wanted a substantial financial contribution before this partnership could begin.”
“You got it, Strawberry Shortcake.” Todd shot Sia finger guns. “That’s why I’m happy to find this little treasure trove right here, since it’s our ticket to the company’s bright new future.”
“So, it is money,” Oliver noted.
“Even better, Ollie,” Todd promised as he flipped open the fire safe. “Check it out…”
The imp then proceeded to reach down into the box and produce… A turkey stuffed animal with a small red heart tag on its ear.
“What is that?” Oliver asked as his eyes went wide, and the color drained from his face. “Please tell me there is money hidden inside of that children’s toy.”
“These are Beanie Babies, Ollie,” Todd stated as he puffed out his chest. “And not just any Beanie Babies… Right here before you is an entire box of Gobbles the Turkey, which is worth its weight in gold! These little guys go for, like, seven-thousand dollars on eBay, and I’ve got fifty of ‘em right here.”
“You are aware it’s only the misprint versions that are worth that much, right?” Raphael interjected.
“Say what now?” The imp frowned.
“Gobbles the Turkey was a very common Beanie Baby, Todd,” the Archangel explained. “Everybody had one back then. The only ones with any value are the versions with special misprints on the tags, along with a very particular tailfeather-gobbler combo. I remember it well… It was a double gobbler, and the tail feathers were almost halfway up its back.”
“Uhhhhhhhhhhh…” Todd chuckled. “So if, hypothetically, these turkeys were to all have a single gobbler…”
“Then they would be worthless,” Raphael said. “But what sort of idiot would make that mistake?”
“You know what?” Todd mused as he tossed the stuffed animal back into the box. “I think Todd’s Treasures is more of a lofty idea than it is a brick-and-mortar business.”
“And our money?” Oliver repeated.
“Well, you’re in luck, Ollie,” the imp explained to Oliver as he walked over and placed his hand on the cult leader’s leg. “Because for just a small donation of a few thousand dollars, you can be a partner in my newest venture.”
“I’m listening….” The elderly man stroked his chin.
“No!” Jane interjected. “The Cult of Ralston isn’t interested. What happened to all of the Hatsune Miku stuff you were talking about? The stuff you said was priceless?”
“That was under my bed,” Todd sighed. “It all got burnt up in the fire.”
“You kept the priceless, highly valuable collector’s items under your bed, but you put a bunch of beanie babies in the fire safe?” I facepalmed.
“I used the Hatsune Miku stuff more!” Todd protested. “I pulled it out every other night so I could--”
“Nope,” Gula cut off the imp with the wave of her hand. “Please do not go any further with that sentence, Todd. It would not be good for any of us.”
“Can’t you please just kill me already?” Famine begged from afar. “Death would be a million times better than having to sit here and listen to this idiot talk.”
“We’re nowhere near ready to be done with you,” Ira purred. “Lunacio and I have lots of fun activities we want to run through, and we haven’t even gotten warmed up yet.”
As the Sister of Wrath spoke, I saw Isabella approaching from afar, with John Zeitmann right by her side.
“There you are, John!” I called out to the paranormal expert. “I was starting to think something terrible happened to you.”
“It might have,” the middle-aged man admitted. “If you all hadn’t been here to stop it.”
“You weren’t in any danger,” Libidine reassured the man. “Not with Jacob around.”
“I know you’re trying to calm me down,” John chuckled. “But I told you Lucifer’s message. He wanted me dead almost as much as you.”
“I doubt that,” I argued. “You were just the bait to get to me.”
“I knew too much.” John shook his head. “And if you hadn’t been here with me, those four horsemen would have killed me without much effort.”
“You kidding?” I teased the paranormal expert as I nudged him on the shoulder with my fist. “The mighty John Zeitmann survived Jacob Ralston not once, not twice, but three times. You could survive anything.”
