Succubus Lord 19, page 18
“Wow.” Eclipse whistled. “You guys really don’t skimp on the portions here, do you?”
“That’s why people come from all over the state to eat here,” the man confirmed. “Best bang for your buck in Nevada.”
“I doubt that,” Todd snickered. “The hookers and gigolos up in Vegas would probably take that title.”
“Todd!” Raph hissed. “You don’t call them ‘hookers.’ That’s very rude. They much prefer it when you call them your ‘bitches.’”
“Also doubtful.” Todd frowned. “That’s a one-way ticket to getting slapped across the face, bro.”
“Not if you say it with the right… Finesse,” Raph noted. “Like so. What is up, my bitches?”
Everyone, the waiter included, exchanged a confused look and stood there in silence.
“Uhhh,” the server finally spoke up. “If you guys need anything, just let me know, okay?”
“Will do.” I nodded, and then the man quickly scurried away.
Meanwhile, I got to examine the piles of savory goodness now before us.
“Oh, mylanta…” Raphael said through a mouthful of drool as he stared down the nachos.
I couldn’t blame him for his reaction one bit. Literally dozens of dull yellow, triangular tortilla chips sat atop each other, and all of them were still glistening wet with the grease from the fryer. On top of the mountain of heart-stopping goodness was a gooey eruption of yellow cheese that ran through each and every crack and crevice as it covered the chips in their flavor. A large, circular dollop of pure white sour cream was at the very top, and the entirety of the dish was sprinkled with sliced jalapenos, corn, and chunky salsa.
My stomach growled loudly at the sight, but nobody even had a chance to dig in before Raph snatched the nachos from the table.
The Archangel picked up a handful of the chips with his bare hands, stuffed them into his mouth, and then made a long, orgasmic groan as he chewed them up. Bits of sour cream, nacho cheese, and salsa dribbled down his mouth as he gobbled up the chips like a vacuum, and his cheeks puffed out like a chipmunk the more he shoved in.
“Easy there, dude,” Tris warned. “You don’t wanna accidentally suck one of those things down your windpipe. That shit hurts like hell.”
Raphael tried to say something in return, but all that came out was incoherent mumbling. The Archangel then leaned back against the chair, raised his head up to the ceiling, and gulped down all the nachos in his mouth.
“Quick,” Eclipse joked. “While he’s distracted by the nachos.”
The tattooed Demon Lord picked up one of the mozzarella sticks, which was golden brown and whose breading crumbled a bit from the touch. I watched as Eclipse lifted the morsel up to her mouth, bit into it, and then widened her eyes as she tried to bite into the cheese. Gooey white mozzarella stretched out like a commercial as she pulled half the stick away from her mouth, and then she eventually bit down hard enough to separate it in two. Eclipse gulped down the morsel before she licked her lips and tossed the second one in.
“Dig in, guys,” I announced to the team. “There’s plenty for everybody.”
“Not if Raph keeps slurpin’ it down like a drunk sorority girl,” Todd snorted as he shoveled a few chicken wings onto his lap.
“Would you like a plate?” Sia raised an eyebrow at the imp.
“Nah, I’m good,” he scoffed. “The stain’ll go away when I transform, anyway.”
“Isn’t that kinda unsanitary?” I asked.
“Bro,” Todd laughed. “You don’t have to worry about that. My boys can totally swim, Jakey.”
“Sanitary.” I rolled my eyes. “Not sterile.”
“If you’re putting an ‘un’ in front of the word, doesn’t that make it a good thing?” Todd said before he popped a whole wing in his mouth. “Me and Zoey wanna have little Toddsters someday.”
“Todd,” Aruna warned. “I don’t think those are boneless--”
The imp in disguise gulped down the buffalo wing, let out a loud belch, and then patted his belly with a satisfied smile.
All I could do was open my mouth in awe and stare at the gross bastard.
“What?” Todd quirked his eyebrow. “Is there something on my face?”
“Nope.” I shook my head. “Just… Just be ready for some issues later.”
“Not to worry, bro,” the imp in disguise reassured me. “This shit isn’t even that spicy. Besides, my steel gullet can handle anything!”
Todd popped another full buffalo wing into his mouth, so I turned back to the other food.
Closest to me was a large boat filled with a bunch of tiny slider burgers, and they were attached to each other by a small bit of bun on their top and bottom. As I took a closer look, I saw the bottom of the boat was covered with a thin layer of the burgers’ juices, which had sopped into the bottom bun to make it a bit soft. The tops were glistening with toasted butter, and between the bun and the patty were several slices of jalapeno, a pile of crunchy onions, and a piece of melted white cheese.
“I don’t know about you guys,” I said as I licked my lips. “But I want some of those fucking things.”
I pulled one of the sliders loose from its neighboring morsels, and a bit of the fried onions spilled out as I lifted it to my mouth. I opened up my mouth, raised the slider to my lips, and bit it in half.
Instantly, my eyes rolled back in my head as a wave of flavor shot through my mouth.
Even though it was a slider, the burger was a perfect medium-rare consistency, and the juice of the meat sloshed around in my mouth as it mixed together with the warm, buttery bun, the crunch of the onion, and the slight heat from the jalapeno. I savored the bite for several seconds before I gulped it down and felt its dull heat slide all the way down my esophagus and into my belly. Then, without another second of hesitation, I popped in the second half and nearly swallowed it whole.
“That good, huh?” Tris asked as she reached for a jalapeno slider.
“It’s like sex in your fucking mouth,” I promised.
“That’s a tall order, Jacob.” The Sister of Sloth winked.
“I know that,” I chuckled. “And I mean every word I said.”
The tall brunette furrowed her brow with skepticism as she raised the burger to her lips, but when she finally took a bite, all of her concerns seemed to wash away.
“Ohhhhh, my god!” Tris declared as she stuffed the whole slider into her mouth. “I need more of these like, yesterday.”
Meanwhile, Superbia dug into the loaded fries, but she wasn’t as rabid or as messy as the rest of us. In true Superbia fashion, the petite redhead poked a few fries up with her plastic fork, raised them to her mouth, and took a dainty bite. She made a “mmmm” sound in between each one, and her eyes lit up with joy when she tasted the morsel.
The fries were all golden, and they were piled into a massive serving that would have been too much for King Kong. They had gooey white and yellow cheese melted on top of their figures, which itself was smothered with bits of bacon and onion. A bit of drool pooled in my mouth as I watched Sia pull away a few more fries, but I had my own stuff to focus on.
Particularly, Vidia’s potato skins.
The Sister of Envy sat there with her head hung and her bangs in her eyes as she shoveled the skins into her mouth. Each one appeared to be a medium-sized potato that had been cut in half, with its insides scooped out and replaced with a concoction of cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, and chives. The edges of the morsel were browned to perfection, and there was so much filling it oozed over the edges like play-doh under a hydraulic press.
I reached over to grab one of the potato skins, and Vidia quickly smacked my hand. She let out a hiss as she looked up at me with vitriol in her eyes, but then her face fell instantly.
“I’m sorry!” she gasped. “I didn’t realize it was you, Jacob!”
“I’m glad succubi didn’t have to go to high school, bro,” Todd snickered. “I think Elvira here would have had a reaaaalllly hard time fitting in. Like, ‘the weird girl who wears beanies and pocket chains all the time and meows like a cat’ type of hard time.”
“Here.” Invidia’s pale face turned beet red as she slid me a potato skin. “These are mine, but I’ll make an exception just for you.”
“Why thank you.” I winked at the gothic Demon Lord as I picked up the appetizer.
I bit into the potato skin, and my eyes widened as the flavor washed over me. There was an extremely satisfying crunch as my teeth passed through the outside of the morsel, and then the warm, melted cheese oozed against my tongue. The bacon and the chives added a second bit of crunch to the dish, and I was in seventh heaven when the flavors swirled together and practically melted in my mouth. I swallowed the food down, took another bite, and then reached over for a second.
“Alright…” Vidia said with a subdued smirk. “You can have one more.”
As I gulped down my second potato skin, I glanced over at Aruna. The Rakshasi assassin simply sat back in her chair as she munched on her lone egg, and once that was done, she patted her belly, grabbed her mug of coffee, and raised it to her mouth.
“Are you sure you don’t want any of this?” I asked the Rakshasi. “It’s reaaaaalllly good.”
“I’m fine,” Aruna explained. “I think I’m having a better time sitting here watching you go wild like a pack of Vargrats after a hunk of meat.”
“‘Good’ is an understatement,” Raphael garbled through his mouthful of chips. “I think I have had an orgasm in my mouth.”
“You know what an orgasm in your mouth tastes like?” Todd cackled. “Is that how you got to be second in command to Megatron, bro?”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response,” Raph huffed.
“There’s the Raphey we all know and love!” The imp in disguise grinned. “He must be coming down now.”
“I don’t know what came over me,” Raph admitted before he let out a soft belch. “But I feel disgusting right about now.”
“That’s totally normal,” Tris mused. “You get used to it after a while.”
“You gotta at least try a pretzel bite, Tigra,” Todd offered as he held up one of the glistening, buttery nuggets. “They’re a total carb-fest, which makes ‘em give you all sorts of energy. So, in a way, they’re actually kinda healthy for ya!”
“I don’t think that’s how it works,” I laughed.
“Fine.” Aruna rolled her eyes as she snatched the mini pretzel out of Todd’s hand. “I will indulge on just this one.”
“Waaaaaaiiiiit!” Todd gasped. “You gotta dip it in the queso, or else you aren’t getting the full experience.”
Aruna sighed before she leaned over and swirled the pretzel around in the glistening white cheese. Then she raised it up to her thin lips, popped it inside, and began to chew.
Almost instantly, the Rakshasi quirked her head to the side.
“See?” Todd proclaimed. “Isn’t that the best shit you’ve ever tasted?”
“It-- It is quite good.” Aruna nodded as she gulped it down. “Perhaps I shall have one more…”
My friends and I proceeded to completely destroy the table full of food. I washed it all down with the pint of chocolatey, heavy beer I’d ordered, and by the time I was finished, I felt bloated as fuck.
“W-Why do we always do this?” Invidia groaned. “Can’t we ever just, like, eat a salad?”
“Salad?” Todd gasped. “Are we a buncha rabbits, Elvira?”
“I don’t get it,” Sia admitted. “I’ve seen Tristitia and Todd eat two entire pizzas in one sitting, yet they are stuffed to the gills now?”
“We aren’t buzzed right now, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd explained. “I think our brains actually realize how bad all this shit was for us, and are trying to make us stop before we pop like a buncha cheese-and-bacon-filled balloons.”
“It looks like you guys enjoyed your meals,” our blond server declared as he walked back over. “How was everything?”
“Fan-fucking-tastic,” I noted as I gave him a thumbs up, and then I pulled out my wallet. “Can we have our check now?”
Our waiter nodded as I handed him my card, and then he shuffled off to finish the transaction.
“So,” Sia asked. “How are you atoning for what happened here?”
“Simple,” I explained. “I’m gonna give that guy a huge tip.”
“Why?” Aruna questioned. “He’s just a lowly server. How will that change anything?”
“He’s not just a server,” I continued. “Haven’t you been paying attention? He freaked out when the TV broke. He’s been waiting on all these tables all night long. He’s got a lot of enthusiasm and knowledge about this place… I’m like, ninety-nine percent sure he’s the owner.”
“Why would he be working as a server?” Raph questioned. “I never got into the trenches when I was the boss at The Velvet Lips.”
“And we all thank you for that, bro,” Todd confirmed.
“Watch.” I pointed to the point of sale machine at the bar.
The blond man walked over to the woman, who was now cleaning up the fallen TV, and placed his hand on the small of her back. He leaned in before he whispered something into her ear, and she turned around and gave him a big peck on the lips.
“They’re together,” Sia observed.
“Husband and wife, I bet,” I agreed. “Probably bought this place for dirt cheap after it burned down and rebuilt it.”
“How can you be sure?” Raph questioned.
“Call it a hunch,” I continued. “I guess we’ll find out here in a second.”
The man walked back over, placed my card and receipt down on the table, and then took a step back.
“That’s for you whenever you’re ready,” he said. “Have a wonderful day, and we appreciate your business immensely!”
Yep. This dude was totally the owner.
“Hold on,” I said as I picked up the pen. “I want to make sure you get this.”
In the “tip” section of the receipt, I scribbled down a total that hurt to even write.
Five-hundred thousand dollars.
I signed my name, placed the pen and receipt together, and handed it to the man.
“Thank you very much, folks,” he declared as he unfolded the paper. “I-- Oh. Ohmygod. S-Sir? Are you sure you meant to write--”
“It’s for the TV.” I winked. “And for being the best damn restaurant on this side of the border.”
“Sir.” The server shook his head. “I-I can’t accept this.”
“If you don’t take it, I’ll just give it to the bartender over there,” I chuckled. “And I’ll make sure she gives it to you.”
“Y- I… Wow.” Tears filled the man’s eyes as he looked at the receipt again. “You have no idea how much this means to us. I can never thank you enough.”
“You don’t have to,” I promised. “Just be ready to clean up after me and my friends whenever we come out here, and it’ll be all good.”
The blond man’s face gleamed with joy, and he let out a slight giggle as he ran over to the bar. He slid behind the counter and showed the receipt to his wife, whose mouth fell agape instantly.
The woman let out a squeal as the two embraced, and I felt a swell of tenderness in my heart.
“Awwww,” Sia chuckled. “What a wholesome scene.”
“I just hope they’re really the owners,” Aruna mused. “Or else you’re out five-hundred thousand dollars for nothing.”
Suddenly, my right hand began to glow with Ethereal energy. The dark magic traveled up my arm, across my chest, and then absorbed into my body with a tingling sensation.
“Oh, thank god,” I sighed. “There was like, a ten percent chance I misread that situation, and I really didn’t want to go and ask for my money back.”
“I thought I taught you better than that, Jacob,” a silver-tongued voice giggled from behind me. “Money is the root of all evil, after all.”
Lucifer.
I sprang from my chair and instantly drew the goat-headed dagger from its sheath. I saw the bastard standing only ten feet or so away from me, so I sprang into action.
Lucifer simply snapped his fingers, and I was instantly caught by an aura of green flames. The Devil smiled as I struggled against his Hellfire, but all I could do was move forward in tiny, baby steps.
“So, you’re really here,” Raphael growled. “Good. That makes things immensely easier for us.”
“I wouldn’t remove that robe if I were you, Raphael,” Lucifer sneered. “You wouldn’t want to make a mess of this fine establishment. Besides, I’m not here to fight you.”
“Bullshit,” I growled. “I’m not falling for that trick again.”
“I’m being sincere, son.” He smirked. “I don’t want to fight. I just want to get you out of my way.”
“What?” I spat. “Framing me as the fucking Antichrist isn’t enough?”
“It was never about you,” Lucifer explained. “No mortal could hurt you. Not even I’m arrogant enough to believe that. No… That story is for your friends. I’m afraid they’re encountering some… Difficulties in their attempts to complete your little errands.”
“What did you do to them?” I demanded.
“I didn’t do anything.” Lucifer shrugged. “I left that up to the police, the FBI… The CIA… Pretty much everybody except the pesky little BPI run by that bitch with the suspenders.”
“You know I’m going to kill you, ‘Dad,” I mocked. “I’m not going to rest until your head is on a spike outside my castle.”
“Thatta boy!” Lucifer clapped his hands together. “But no. I am ninety-nine-point nine percent sure your little adventure here will fail. In the end, you and your friends will be lying dead at my feet, and I will rule all of creation. But, there’s still the point one percent I can’t account for. And for that, I need to remove you from the equation completely.”
“It’s eight against one, Lucy,” Todd scoffed. “You’re totally fucked, bro.”
“We’ll see, imp,” the Devil cackled. “Or, actually, I won’t. I’ll leave that up to the Demons of the Ninth Circle to finish you off.”
