Succubus Lord 19, page 10
The blonde knight and her former mistress exchanged a smug look before they turned back to me.
“We know how you will pass judgement on Earth, Jacob,” Lilith explained. “We know how you can finish your trials.”
Chapter 7
“Please tell me this isn’t a put-on,” I warned Lilith and Eligor as I stood there with my mouth agape. “Did you really figure out a way for me to finish the spell?”
“We did,” Lilith confirmed with a nod.
“Actually,” Eligor noted. “If we’re being completely transparent, it was Caorthannach who figured it out.”
“See, Jakey?” a high-as-a-kite Todd snickered. “I told ya it’d be good to have Rockbiter around. She’s way more than just a rocky fleshlight, bro.”
“First off, ouch.” I shuddered. “And second, it was my idea to spare her life in the first place.”
“Surrrrreeee,” the imp snorted with a wink. “My Jordan Belmont-like persuasion skills had nothing to do with it at all.”
“I think you mean ‘Jordan Belford,’” Superbia interjected as she approached. “If you’re referring to who I think you are.”
“Wait…” Todd’s bloodshot eyes narrowed. “Are you telling me he’s not related to the vampire hunters with the whips?”
“I hate to burst your bubble,” I said with a roll of my eyes. “But the vampire-hunting Belmonts are all fictional characters.”
“Fictional characters inspired by true events,” the imp falsely corrected me with a raised finger. “How else did they get Dracula out of Transylvania? ‘The man’ wants you to believe some random army ambushed and killed him in the fourteen-hundreds, but I know that’s all a big crock of shit, bro. It was all the Belmonts, and they’re still kickin’ vamp ass today behind the scenes. Let me ask you this, Jakey… Why was Jordan Belmont arrested?”
“Belford,” I corrected him once more. “And wasn’t it something to do with fraud and manipulating the stock market or some shit like that?”
“Pfffft,” Todd scoffed. “That’s what they want you to believe, Jakey. He was gonna go public with all the private info on vampires and how they’ve been around for thousands of years, including how they’ve invaded the U.S. Government. They had to shut him up somehow… Hornswaggle and Johnny Boy will back me up on this one if you don’t believe me!”
“I’m sure the embezzlement had nothing to do with it,” Superbia mumbled. “How, dare I ask, did we get on this topic of conversation?”
“Oh, oh!” Tris raised her hand and giggled through her haze. “Let me try this one. So, my memory is totally not so bueno right now, but it all started when Azazel asked Gula and I to try and kill Jacob--”
“I do not require that much background,” Sia reminded the Sister of Sloth. “I was there for all of that. Just start with this conversation.”
Tris quirked her head to the side and let out a muffled snort as she processed Sia’s words. The brunette succubus then cleared her throat and opened her mouth, but nothing came out at first. Then, without warning, Tristitia broke out into a fit of giggles.
“Apparently, Cao found a way to finish the trials,” I explained to Superbia with a sigh.
“She is the only ally we have who is able to read Deorish,” Lilith explained. “It’s somewhat ironic, as Ziminiar has devoted a large amount of his time translating the text, and now we have a friend who can just read it as if it were written in English.”
“What did she find?” I prompted. “What do I need to do to unlock the Ethereal Magic?”
“There was a mistranslation on the part of Ziminiar,” Eligor elaborated. “He originally thought the text said you must pass judgement in Heaven, Hell, and Earth, but that was incorrect.”
“According to Caorthannach,” Lilith began. “The correct translation for the passage is ‘atonement,’ not judgement. The passage immediately after also mentioned restoring ‘balance to the chaos caused’ in the eyes of the universe.”
“So, that’s why it only worked when we went up and saved Heaven from Gunnar,” I thought aloud. “I’d been on rocky ground with the Archangels and the Exalted One for a while, and saving their asses from certain destruction must have made up for it in their eyes.”
“Exactly,” Lilith confirmed with a smirk. “And that is why you had to face down all of your slain enemies in the Seventh Circle. When you originally killed them, it set the Exalted One’s plan off course and upset the regular balance of things in Hell. So, by killing your shadow clone and humbling yourself before your former enemies, you put things back on track on that front.”
“What does this mean for Earth, then?” I grumbled and rubbed my temples. “Do I have to go around fixing every single problem I’ve ever caused? Because if that’s the case, it’s gonna take years.”
“Just make a list of all the people you’ve wronged, Jakey,” Todd suggested. “I keep sayin’ you need to do that. It’s what the dude from Chasing Amy did on that one show.”
“I haven’t really wronged many people,” I admitted. “But if I have to go back and fix every little thing I’ve ever done wrong in my life? That’s something else.”
“You were just an unknowing participant in the universe for most of your life,” Lilith noted. “Of course, I was manipulating you for a lot of the time, but you didn’t know what was going on…”
“Exactly,” Eligor added. “If anything, you would only have to atone for the sins on Earth you committed after you first became involved with the larger universe of Heaven and Hell.”
Todd raised his hand and then waved it around like an overanxious schoolboy, and when Lilith and Eligor didn’t acknowledge the imp, he stood up on the bench and began to jump up and down while making excited noises.
“What is it, Todd?” I chuckled after a few seconds of watching him.
“Does this involve me whatsoever?” the imp questioned. “Because if we gotta go back to when I first got involved in all that paranormal shit, we’d have to look back all the way to when I was a wee little lad, back when I was going through that whole ‘anti-authority phase’ and wanted to stick it to my parents by reading Amityville Horror and drawing little pentagrams all over my binders.”
“Going through it?” I laughed. “Bro, you’re still anti-authority.”
“And that’s the way it’s gonna stay, Jakey!” Todd pointed his finger at me firmly. “Ain’t no way Todd Masterson’s gonna let ‘the man’ pull one over on me. I know the moon landing was faked. I know they assassinated James Garfield, Lincoln, and JFK. I know nine-eleven was an inside job, and I know one-hundred percent for a fact there are no hot MILFs in my area who are ‘dtf.’ If they’d lie about that, then who knows what else they’re faking, bro?”
“Thankfully, the atonement only involves Jacob,” Lilith clarified. “So, it would be anything major that has happened since he was made aware of the existence of Hell.”
“That’s still a fucking lot of time,” I grumbled. “Lucifer’s kicked his plan into overdrive… If we really have to go around and ‘atone’ for all my wrongdoings here on Earth, we won’t be done for weeks, if not months. By that point, Lucifer will have already won.”
“It doesn’t necessarily have to take that long.” The Demon Queen smiled devilishly. “There was another part of the text Caorthannach pointed out to us, Jacob. A passage states the atonement can be performed by ‘the caster of the spell, or those bound to him by blood.’”
“So, what?” I raised an eyebrow. “Like my family members? I’m not putting my parents in danger, and I haven’t talked to my brother in forever.”
“No, Jacob!” Superbia gasped. “Don’t you see? This means you can use us as your vessels.”
“Isn’t he already doing that?” Todd mused. “He’s already filling you all up with his baby gravy to your eyeballs, Strawberry Shortcake. I’m sure if somebody gave you a good squeeze, it’d come oozing outta your pores like one of those weird little squishy balls with the net around it.”
“That is so disgusting.” Superbia cringed as she looked at the imp with wide eyes. “When I say ‘vessel,’ I am using the term in a purely symbolic way. My sisters and I were all bound to Jacob when he made us Demon Lords… Jacob doesn’t have to travel around the world and atone for all his sins. We can do it for him!”
“That’s-- that’s actually not a bad idea,” I said, and the wheels in my head began to turn. “If we split up and different groups go to different parts of the world, we could have this all knocked out in days instead of months. You’re a genius, Superbia!”
“I do my best.” The petite redhead shrugged and gave me a playful wink.
“We need to gather everyone,” I announced. “They need to know what’s going on, since they’re all going to be helping out.”
“I’m on it,” Lunacio suggested. “When I talk, people tend to pay attention.”
“Probably because you’re holding a knife to their throat.” Todd whistled. “You don’t really do anything subtly, Dee Snyder.”
“Why do you keep calling me that?” Lunacio huffed as she stared the imp down.
“It’s just a nickname,” Eligor explained. “He has one for everybody.”
“Thank you, Goldilocks!” Todd gestured wildly to the blonde knight. “And you know damn well why I call you what I do.”
Lunacio gave the imp a death glare, but he didn’t crack, so she turned her attention toward me.
“It’s because you’re called the Twisted Sister,” I explained. “I don’t know how much you know about Earth pop culture, but there was a really popular band back in the eighties that had the same name.”
“It still doesn’t make sense,” Lunacio sighed. “I understand all of the other nicknames, but ‘Dee Snyder?’ Why would I let him call me such a terrible name?”
“Sooooo, you’re saying you’re not gonna take it?” Todd burst out laughing. “Turn it down, you say?”
None of the others seemed to get the joke, but I couldn’t help but smirk at the imp’s comment.
“I don’t understand you sometimes,” Lunacio admitted. “But you seem to be having a good time, and that’s all I give a shit about.”
“That’s the spirit!” Todd clapped his hands together before he wiped a tear out of his eye. “We’re here for a good time, not a long time, Mrs. Snyder.”
Lunacio rolled her eyes, summoned her wings, and then raised up into the air, and we all watched as the Twisted Sister flew over the platform and headed out to find all of our scattered allies.
“Be careful, Todd,” Lilith chuckled as she watched Lunacio fly off. “She didn’t seem to care too much for her nickname. And with a succubus like Lunacio, she’s liable to snap and take your head off. Literally.”
“I survived you when you were pretending to be the foul scum of Satan’s ball sack, Scully,” Todd scoffed. “I think I can handle Dee Snyder here.”
“I would have never hurt you, though,” the Demon Queen reminded the imp. “I needed you alive to make sure you got the book and led Jacob down the right path. Lunacio has no such need for you.”
“Duuuuuddddeee,” Tris gasped through a smoke-filled cough. “New girl no likey you.”
“Uh-oh,” Todd gulped as he looked down at the joint in his hand with bloodshot, wide eyes. “It looks like the Wintergreen Mindscrambler is starting to work its magic on Slothy.”
“Let me guess,” Superbia sighed. “You call it that because it’s green, and it has a tendency to scramble the mind of the user?”
“No…” The imp sounded totally offended. “We called it that because it leaves this strange, fresh tingling sensation in your mouth after you smoke it. Like wintergreen gum.”
“Then why do you call it the ‘mindscrambler?’” Sia asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Because after you hit a certain threshold, it turns your brain into mush,” Todd noted. “Like, we’re talking about shit that would make Harry and Lloyd look like PhD candidates, Strawberry Shortcake.”
“Why the paper smoking?” Tris blubbered as she stared at the smoke rising from the doobie in her hand.
“Oooookay,” Todd chuckled as he reached over and snatched the reefer from Tris’ hand. “I think you’ve had enough for now, Slothy.”
With her vice now literally out of her hand, Tris placed her hands behind her head and stretched out on the bench. Her back arched like she was doing a yoga pose, and my cock hardened in my pants when I saw her breasts raise up and down with each relaxed, long breath she took. Despite the endless hours Tris spent smoking, eating, and laying around, she had the most perfect long and lean body and absolutely fantastic breasts. She could have easily graced the cover of any fashion or swimsuit magazine, and she fucked even better than she looked.
“Don’t get too comfortable, Tristitia!” Sia declared, but it was too late.
The Sister of Sloth let out a loud buzzsaw-like snore, and Superbia shook her head and mumbled something non-discernible under her breath.
Soon, Lunacio returned with the rest of my friends, and they all gathered around us on the platform.
“Lilith!” Raphael gasped. “Why have you left the Eighth Circle?”
“It’s important, Raphael,” the red-haired Demon Queen said.
“More important than potentially losing your domain to Lucifer?” the Archangel questioned. “Who rules over the domain directly beside you?”
“Believe it or not, yes.” Lilith nodded.
“This is the big one, Raphey,” Todd elaborated. “The big cheese. The grand pumba. The universal WWE championship. The Ron Jeremy.”
“It really is,” I agreed. “Lilith knows what needs to be done.”
Lilith, Eligor, and I then proceeded to explain the situation to my friends. We told them how they could act as my representatives in my actions of atonement, and how we might be able to get this whole situation figured out in a timely manner if we split up and tried to do multiple sins at once.
“I believe it would only be natural for Jane and I to go to San Francisco,” Oliver suggested. “Our cult headquarters was located out there for decades, so we know the city better than anyone else here.”
“We also remember our confrontation quite vividly,” Jane chuckled. “Out in the forest, up in the Salesforce Tower… We can easily atone for the sins you have committed out there, mostly because we were a part of them!”
“I shall go with them,” Ariel suggested. “I’ve always wanted to see San Francisco. I’ve heard it’s pretty lovely this time of year.”
“I’m staying with Jakey,” Todd declared with a raised hand. “I ain’t going back to that place, since it’s totally not the Toddster’s scene.”
“What’s wrong with our former home?” Oliver frowned.
“It’s a nice city and all,” the imp clarified. “But it’s a bit too… ‘Pinkie in the pie’ for me.”
“The My Little Pony character?” Raphael interjected with a gasp. “Are you a brony, as well?”
“Oh.” Todd’s head twisted like he was possessed as it shot over to look at Raph. “Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhh, boy. Please tell me that’s the weed talkin’, Raphey. Because if not, I think my life is finally complete.”
“Was that not a reference to the beloved pink pony, Pinkie Pie?” Raph questioned once more. “According to the chat rooms I participate in on my AOL instant messenger, she is the most popular of the bunch.”
“A-AOL…” Todd trailed off with a massive grin on his face.
“I hate to burst your bubble, Raph,” I chuckled. “But you really, really shouldn’t be going into those chat rooms. I’m sure they’re full of perverts and weirdos looking to prey on the innocent.”
“I appreciate your concern, Jacob,” Raph noted. “But I always practice safe online chatroom protocol. I almost never give the accurate information when asked ‘A/S/L.’ In fact, I usually dig into Paradise’s massive database, choose a person at random, and then substitute their information as if it were my own. It’s a perfect way to ensure nobody actually knows who I am, particularly when they wish to meet up or send me items in the mail.”
“Raphael…” Isabella mused. “Are you catfishing people on AOL?”
“Don’t be ridiculous!” Raphael placed his hand on his belly and laughed. “You cannot go fishing over the internet.”
Isabella opened her mouth to say something else, but the sound of Todd’s belly laughter drowned out anything the BPI Agent could have possibly added.
The imp laughed so hard he fell off the bench, landed onto the concrete ground, and then repeatedly slammed his fist into the floor as he rolled around.
“Anyway…” I rolled my eyes and pressed on. “I think that would be a solid team out on the West Coast.”
“Where else do we need to atone?” Cupiditas questioned. “Certainly Las Vegas.”
“You already got to go to Vegas with Jacob!” Gula huffed. “I’ve always wanted to go out and visit Sin City, considering it’s easily the most gluttonous place in the world.”
“Then you and I shall go to Las Vegas,” the Sister of Greed declared. “It will be a fun little girl’s trip. I must show you the Excalibur… Or at least, what is left of it.”
“I want to go back to Tampa!” Deja blurted out as she jumped up and down with her hand raised. “I haven’t gotten good rays in months.”
“I shall go with you.” Mirage smirked. “It would be unwise to send you off to such a place of fun and excitement without a Madame to rein you in.”
“If you’re headed in that direction…” John Zeitmann interjected with a sheepish expression. “Could you give me a ride? I’m pretty sure nobody has fed my fish in a few days, and I want to make sure he’s alright.”
“I hate to say it, bro,” Todd whispered into my ear. “But I think he’s gonna have to find Nemo again when he gets back.”
“So, that would just leave D.C., the Vatican, and here,” I pondered aloud. “We were in Ireland and Greece, too, but we really didn’t cause much trouble or destroy anything over there.”
“D.C. is mine,” Ira purred. “I cannot wait to get back out there and start trying to filibuster my peers. The looks on their faces when I whip out the giant five-inch binder full of documents to read puts me on the brink of orgasm every. Single. Time.”
