Succubus Lord 19, page 32
“Jamaica…” I couldn’t even process what was happening. “God is going to retire?”
“Jacob, come on!” The Exalted One threw out his arms. “What’d I tell ya about calling me that?”
“Sorry.” I shook my head. “I just… Didn’t know you could retire from a position like that.”
“Well, normally I couldn’t.” God shook his head. “Ya see, I knew I had to hang around on account of that ben-zonna Lucifer. As much as I love all my Archangels, I don’t think any of ‘em would be strong enough to defend the world against the Morning Star while I was gone. But now that he’s kaput? I’m free to head down south, baby!”
“H-How long have you been planning this?” I gulped.
“Ever since I saw you take out Azazel, kid.” The Exalted One winked. “I sent Raphael down to keep an eye on ya after you started summoning succubi, but that was just because I was worried we could get into some weird stuff. Once I saw how you jumped straight into the pits of Hell to save your friends, I knew you were the one. Then, when ya told me to take a hike and broke out of Paradise? Ya got gusto, Jacob Ralston. And, above all, yer a good kid with a good heart. I know the world’s gonna be in good hands with you.”
“I-I don’t know what to say,” I sputtered as my heart swelled, and happy tears filled my eyes. “You have no idea what an honor it is to be chosen by you.”
“Eh, it’s not always an honor.” The Exalted One shrugged. “Just ask Abraham. He kinda got a raw deal outta it. First, he almost had to sacrifice his son, and then he wandered the desert for forty years. Poor guy.”
“Well, uh-- I hope it’s more of an honor than that,” I chuckled. “I promise I won’t let you down.”
“Kid…” The Exalted One paced his arm around my neck and then turned us back so we were facing all my allies. “Let me give ya some advice. I’m not the one you gotta worry about letting down. I’m gonna be off on a beach somewhere, drinking martinis and soakin’ in the rays of the sun. These guys, on the other hand? All these people you see out here? They’re the ones you gotta worry about letting down. Them, and all of the mortals down there on Earth. And the Shades down in Hell, and souls up in Heaven. If you say ‘yes’ to me, Jacob… You’re taking all of their lives into your hands. Do ya think you’re up for that?”
“I think so.” I smiled as I looked out at all of my allies. “I’d trust all of them with my life, and I know they’d trust me with theirs.”
“Sooooo, is that a yes, then?” God grinned. “Can I finally be done with all the smutzy bureaucracy and spend the rest of my days sipping cocktails with some beautiful babe in Cabo?”
“The rest of your days?” Sia chuckled. “I thought you were immortal?”
“Sure am, lady!” The Exalted One grinned. “I’ll exist until the end of time. And if Jacob here says ‘yes,’ then whenever that is will be his problem to worry about, not mine.”
“Y-Yes!” I proclaimed. “I humbly accept this position, Yahweh.”
“Atta boy!” God gave me a firm slap on the back as his eyes twinkled with glee. “I know you’ll do a good job as the Master of all Creation. And just remember, if you don’t….”
Suddenly, the clouds turned dark, and thunder rang out in the sky.
“I’ll come back and find you,” the Exalted One said in a deep, booming voice. Then, as quickly as it had started, he returned to his normal demeanor. “I’m just joshin’ ya, Jacob. I know that won’t happen.”
“But if it does?” Metatron questioned with a raised finger.
“It won’t, Metatron,” the Exalted One reassured the Archangel, and then he leaned into my ear. “Sheesh. Always worryin’, this one here. That’s why I’d highly recommend you demote him and make Raphael your right-hand angel. He’s proven to have way better instincts, and I know for a fact he’ll work better with ya.”
“Done.” I smiled, and then I looked over at Maratelli’s ghost. “What about Angelo? Can I give him a larger role in Heaven as well? He’s definitely earned it.”
“Kid,” the Exalted One laughed. “You can make Hellen Keller your personal secretary or Adolf Hitler your maid for all I care. Actually, scratch that second one… That’d be some really bad PR that could get traced all the way back to me. Just use your best judgement, Jacob. That’s what I’ve always done, and it’s always worked out for the best. Heck, if it weren’t for me trusting my gut, I woulda had the Archangels vaporize ya way back on your first adventure!”
“What?” Libidine gasped, but God just laughed it off.
“Sorry, toots!” he proclaimed. “That’s the way the world goes, ya know? So, Jacob Ralston… Whattya think? You ready to take on the responsibilities that come along with being the Big Man Upstairs?”
“Yes,” I confirmed. “It is an honor.”
“Alrighty, then.” The Exalted One clapped his hands together and turned to the rest of my friends. “Everyone, let’s give our new lord and savior a round of applause!”
My friends all began to hoot, holler, and roar as they clapped their hands together in a thunderous applause. Then, once the clapping began to subside, they began to bow, one-by-one. Ziminiar was the first, followed by Mephisto, and then the rest of the Demon Kings and Queens. It started a chain reaction, and soon every single person before me was down on one knee with their heads lowered.
“There ya go, kid,” the Exalted One chuckled as he himself got down on one knee. “Welcome to the show.”
As I looked around at all of my allies, friends, lovers, and even some former enemies, I couldn’t help but get emotional.
I’d started off as a simple man from Kansas City, living with his best friend in a shitty apartment in the Southwest.
Now, I was Jacob Ralston, the Master of all Creation.
Epilogue
Three years later
“I-I dunno if I can handle this, compadres,” Chort sniffled from the front pew of the church. “I always get totally choked up at weddings. Though it’s usually a result of eating out one of the bridesmaids in the bathroom after the ceremony.”
“Are you always this foul?” My mother gagged as she looked over at the tiny demon beside her.
“Only on days that end in a ‘y.’” Chort winked. “Saaaaaayyyy…. Aren’t you Jacob’s mom? Todd’s always talking about you.”
“Only good things, I hope,” my father mumbled as he looked forward and tried to pay no attention to the demon.
“I can assure you, Mr. Ralston,” Chort noted as he placed his hand on his heart. “It’s only good stuff. Then there’s those pictures…”
“Will you keep it down up there?” Metatron grumbled. “They are playing my favorite song right now.”
“‘Hail Mary, Gentle Woman’ is your favorite song?” Isabella asked from behind the Archangel.
“It is a very beautiful tune,” the blond man protested. “We all have our own personal preferences, you know.”
“Tutti i tuoi gusti sono spazzatura,” Maratelli’s ghost snickered.
“Excuse me?” Metatron huffed. “My tastes are not garbage.”
Martatelli raised an eyebrow at the angel and shrugged, but he said no more.
“I still can’t believe Todd asked me to be a groomsman,” Oliver whispered into my ear happily. “I knew he considered me a friend, but a groomsman? That’s quite the honor.”
The Cult Leader’s observation was right. We had quite the motley crew of bridesmaids and groomsmen up here on stage at the moment.
Obviously, I played the role of best man for Todd, while Oliver, John Zeitmann, Blagdan, Mephisto, and Ziminiar made up the rest of the groomsmen. On the other side of the isle, Zoey had chosen her sister as her Maid of Honor, and then the original seven succubi of mine made up the rest of the party.
Everybody was dressed to the nines, with us men in pristine black tuxes and the bridesmaids all in flowery red dresses that came down to their knees and hugged their bodies tightly.
Even though Asmodeus had offered for us to hold Todd’s wedding in his chapel in the First Circle, my imp best friend opted for something more traditional and subtle instead, so we found ourselves in this large chapel in the middle of Kansas.
And out in the crowd of spectators was every significant person we’d ever encountered on our adventures, since the very beginning.
Mammon sat on his rascal scooter all the way at the back of the church, and the fat yellow demon was dressed in a loincloth made of nice black silk instead of his usual torn-up leather. Asmodeus and his bass player were near the back, as well, and the King of the First Circle had his feet rested up on the pew in front of him as he leaned back nonchalantly.
Betty and Elmer, the elderly couple whose home we’d saved from Azazel back in Virginia, smiled at us from the third row back. Immediately behind them were Sister Mary and Mr. and Mrs. Espositos, who had all flown in from Italy for this momentous occasion. Next to them were Miracle Meghan and the girls, and the strippers all giggled as they waved at Raphael from their seats. Daniel, the new King of the Ninth Circle, and a few of the Shades were next to the strippers, each one with their arm around one of the beautiful women.
Charon, the great ferryman of Hell, sat next to a window on the far side of the church. His purple robe flowed with the breeze that blew in, and his dog Cerberus sat outside the building, with its three heads sticking through the nearby windows so it could catch all the action. The ferryman’s slender, skeletal hand stroked Cerberus on the middle head, and the dog let out a loud whimper of happiness as it drooled all over the place.
The various members of the cult of Ralston, cherubs, Glacieorgs, Incubi, and Zoey’s extended family filled up the rest of the church, while the bride and groom’s parents both sat in the front row.
The rest of the succubi, Lunacio, Jane, Caorthannach, Ariel, Lilith, Eligor, and Aruna all sat next to the parents of the bride and groom, and in their arms they carried the most precious cargo of all.
My children.
Each of the beautiful, lovely women who followed me had been lucky enough to get pregnant, and together we all made incredible babies. The kids’ ages varied between twelve to twenty-four months now, so they were at that age where they were still kinda fidgety and impatient, but not so much we couldn’t keep them under control. Even though they aged at the rate of a normal human, their Nephilim blood made them much more powerful and mature than any other child their age.
And, of course, being the children of Jacob Ralston, they were all talking to some degree.
First there was Amare, the daughter of Libidine and I. Even though she was young, she already showed off a lot of her mother’s kind, caring nature, and she was just starting to get a hold on her yellow Hellfire magic. She was the kind of kid who always stopped to pick flowers while in a field, and who got upset if you didn’t give her Picasso-esque drawings high praise.
The son I had with Cupi, Viribus, was as stubborn as stubborn could be. He was the one who refused to take his naps and snuck off into the kitchen for an extra snack when the babysitter wasn’t looking. His bright blond hair was tousled, and it shone under the lights as he sat there with his arms crossed.
I was always worried about me and Sia’s child. Felix was a very, very frail child, who was nothing but skin and bones. Still, he didn’t let that stop him. The little ginger kid was always the first one to jump headfirst into a scrap with his siblings, and oftentimes he ended up being the last one standing.
The daughter of Ira and I, Manchineel, was the orneriest little kid I’d ever met in my life. She smacked her siblings around and was always diving into dangerous situations. She had a lot of her mother in her, and that worried the hell out of me.
Unsurprisingly, the son I had with Tristitia was ridiculously easy to take care of. The brown-haired Otis was short and a tad on the pudgy side, mainly because he didn’t want to do much other than sit around on the couch with his mother all day. He spent a lot of time with his “Uncle Todd,” which also meant he was a trickster, through and through.
Gula’s child, Ignis, was just as sassy as her mother. Sometimes even more so. Ignis would get into screaming matches with the rest of her siblings when she didn’t get her way, and her brown Hellfire magic allowed her to grow giant muscles and beat them all into submission when they wouldn’t share their toys with her.
That was something Gula and I agreed needed to be worked on.
The boy Invidia bore was the spitting image of me, with sandy brown hair and cheekbones that looked to be chiseled by the gods themselves. However, there was one thing he definitely inherited from his mom… His desire to be alone. Gerald Way Ralston was a loner, through and through. When the rest of his siblings wanted to play, he just wanted to sit in the corner and draw strange pictures with his crayons.
Deja’s child was somewhat prissy, though I wasn’t sure if she got that from me or from her mom. Cali was just as tan as her mother, and she was hyper all the time from the tiny sips of latte Deja slipped her when she thought I wasn’t looking. Still, she was a sweetheart.
Vivace, the son of Eclipse and I, had a special type of Hellfire that made his skin turn rock-hard like his mom’s armor on command. He also was a natural with the wooden naginata we let him practice with, and he was easily the best hand-to-hand fighter of my kids.
Inpulsa decided to go a bit more original with the name of her child, as we eventually opted for “Forza.” She was a spitfire, with a small yellow strand of hair that cut through her brown locks and electrical Hellfire power equaled only by her mother’s.
Harry was the child of Mirage, and he was already fascinated with all things occult and magic. He couldn’t even read yet, but he always followed his Aunt Cupi around and trying to repeat any Latin incantation she might utter under her breath. Oliver had agreed to take the kid under his wing, with the idea that Harry would be his eventual successor as the leader of the Cult of Ralston.
Strangely enough, Lunacio’s kid was the tamest of the bunch. Tempest liked to be read to, which was a task I had to do for her every night before bed. She was polite, she listened to every command that me and Lunacio gave her… At first, we both wondered if she was really ours.
Tala was the brunette daughter of Caorthannach and me, and she spoke in the most adorable little Irish accent when she talked. Tala was the child who was always playing around in the dirt and going for long walks in the forest with her mother, and she was by far the most adventurous of the crew.
Me and Ariel’s little angel, Nolan, was gonna be the next Usain Bolt. Even though the Nephilim kid had just learned to walk a few months ago, he was already outrunning both of his parents, and we couldn’t stop him from climbing everything like a goddamn spider monkey.
Somewhere along the line, Isabella ended up pregnant, too, and the BPI Agent worked all the way through her pregnancy, up until she physically couldn’t anymore. As a result, our son Taylor was stern like his mom, and he always wore a frown or a scowl on his face at all times. Still, anyone who knew him knew it was all an act. All you had to do was tickle Taylor’s tummy or start singing him his favorite song, and he reverted back into a joyous toddler in a heartbeat.
Perhaps the most regal of my children was Caligo, the Prince of Umbra and the future leader of the Caliginis people. The young boy wore a crown made of pure dark Hellfire, and across his body was a purple sash that designated his status as royalty.
It was nearly impossible to describe the baby I had with Aruna, as it was a shapeshifter, as well. The kid was always morphing into every animal it found amusing over a certain period of time and transforming itself to look like different members of my friend group. That was gonna get really confusing in a few years.
Jane’s daughter was a bundle of joy known as Jenna, with piercing blue eyes that stared into my very soul when I looked into them. Of course, they also lit up with pure glee whenever she caught me during hide and seek or when she “beat me” in a game of darts.
Then there was Alamor, son of Eligor. And yes, that was what Eligor demanded we call him. The young boy was already determined and fierce, and he never backed down from his sibling squabbles and had already gotten in trouble by going on some “escapades” with Uncle Todd.
Last, but certainly not least, was Lotus, my daughter with Lilith. Though I would never say it aloud, I knew Lotus was going to be the most powerful Nephilim to have ever existed. She had a fiery attitude like her mother, and she was already exhibiting the power of Divine magic at this young age.
No matter what happened, no matter who these children grew up to be… I was going to make sure I raised them right.
It takes a village to raise a child, but thankfully I had a whole fucking village full of beautiful, loving women who I knew I could count on to lead them in the right direction.
Suddenly, Raphael stepped out onto the stage, and the Archangel had a bible in his hands. He was dressed in a traditional priest’s outfit, complete with the white collar and long, black gown. He raised his hands to silence the crowd, and instantly the organist started to play a happy, plucky tune.
Todd, still in his imp form, walked out onto the stage from the back room. The little red demon wore a wide smile on his mouth, but I could tell from his awkward, shaky movements that he was nervous as Hell. As my best friend took the stage, I leaned in and gave him a firm pat on the back.
“You got this, buddy,” I promised. “Just focus on your beautiful bride to be. Nothing else matters right now, bro.”
Todd took a deep breath, recomposed himself, and then placed his hands behind his back.
The organist switched to “Here Comes the Bride,” and everyone stood up and turned to the back.
In walked Zoey and her father, and I thought Todd was gonna faint from excitement right then and there. She wore a beautiful, flowing white gown with a train that dragged fifteen feet behind her, and two of Mammon’s cherubs floated behind the bride-to-be and carried her train as they floated along on their comically undersized wings.
“She’s fucking perfect, bro,” Todd whispered to me. “How’d an idiot stoner like me get so lucky?”
