Succubus Lord 19, page 17
The inside told a completely different story than the outside.
There was nothing but bare walls, painted with a strange navy color that really didn’t match the aesthetic whatsoever. Even with the dark paint on the walls, I could still see several spots were still scorched from the fire all those years ago, and an immense sense of sadness washed over me.
The tables of the restaurant were pretty standard, as they were nothing but large round pieces of wooden furniture that had several stains from customer glasses. At the center of each table sat a salt and pepper shaker in the shape of famous Las Vegas attractions, such as the miniature Eiffel Tower and the iconic “Welcome to Las Vegas” sign.
The place was pretty much dead. There were two elderly gentlemen all the way on the other side of the restaurant at the bar, and they sat in silence as they nursed their beers and watched TV. A group of teenagers laughed loudly as they chattered at another one of the tables, but otherwise the place was as dead as a doornail.
“Welcome to The Pit Stop!” an over-enthusiastic man with slicked-back blond hair greeted us as he dashed over to the podium. “Can I get a name for your party?”
“Nachos,” Raph declared with a slur. “I want nachos, my friend, and I would like them stat.”
“Ignore him,” I chuckled, and then I made a fake smoking motion with my hand. “He’s a little out of it right now.”
“Do we seriously need a name?” Eclipse questioned as she looked around. “There’s hardly anyone here.”
“I’m just following protocol,” the greeter explained. “I can promise you’ll be seated almost instantly.”
“Ja-” I began, but Todd was quick on the draw.
“Hugh,” Todd snickered. “Hugh J. Khoont.”
“How do you spell that?” The server raised an eyebrow as he jotted it down.
“Just like it sounds, bro,” the imp in disguise explained. “It’s French, so you gotta say it like you’ve got an accent.”
Suddenly, Raphael doubled over as he burst out laughing, wiped away a tear, and then tried to recompose himself.
“Hugh J. Khoont,” Raph cackled. “You know what that sounds like, don’t you?”
“That’s kinda the point,” Todd hissed under his breath. “Don’t ruin this for me, Raphey.”
“He’s kidding,” I explained. “Put down this woman’s name. Ivanna Chokandik.”
“Ivanna… Chokandik,” the man muttered as he wrote it down.
Raph’s red eyes got wide, but Todd instantly slapped his hand over his mouth and kept him quiet.
“Shhhhhhhh,” the imp whispered. “Only dreams now, Raphey…”
“Alright, Mrs. Chokandik,” the greeter announced. “Right this way.”
The man collected a bunch of menus and proceeded to lead us over to an empty table, placed the menus down, and then told us our server would be over soon before he scuffled away.
“Ivanna Chokandik?” Todd giggled. “It appears the student has become the master now, Jakey-san. I’m so proud of you, bro.”
“I had the best teacher,” I reminded him with a wink. “Besides, it’s not like I was gonna use our real names. At first I was gonna tell him my name was Jared Blout or something like that.”
“My. God!” Raph declared through a bit of drool as he looked over the menu. “I do not know what has come over me, friends, but I want one of everything!”
“That’s the munchies kicking in,” Tris noted. “I’ve got ‘em pretty bad, too, my dude.”
We spent a few more minutes looking over the menu, and my stomach growled intensely at each of the delicious items we saw. Finally, another man wearing a blue flannel shirt and with unkempt brown hair and a goatee came over to our table and leaned over against it.
“Welcome to The Pit Stop!” the waiter said. “What can I get for you today?”
“Nachos,” Raphael announced without missing a beat. “We want lots and lots of nachos.”
“A full order of nachos for my friend over there,” I chuckled. “I think what we’re gonna do is buy a bunch of large orders and then share, if that’s okay.”
“Brother.” The waiter shook his head. “That’s between you and the chef. I get paid either way.”
“In that case,” I continued, “I think we want an order of your jalapeno sliders and some mozzarella sticks.”
“Pretzel bites, too,” Todd interjected. “With the largest tub of queso you guys have.”
“I’m particularly interested in the loaded fries,” Sia noted.
“Me, too, Sia!” Tris gasped. “Let’s totally get an order of those.”
“I’ll take an egg and a coffee,” Aruna blurted out.
“Uhhhh…” the waiter trailed off with a frown. “Just an egg? Like not an omelet or platter or--”
“A Rakshasi must retain her figure at all costs,” the assassin explained. “It’s a work thing.”
“Okay.” The brown-haired man shrugged and then wrote on his notepad. “Like I said, that’s between you and the chef.”
“Let’s do some of those chicken wings, as well,” Eclipse added.
“What about you?” The waiter looked at Invidia. “Anything you want to add?”
The Sister of Envy hung her head so her dark bangs covered her face completely.
“Potato skins,” she grumbled under her breath, and then she zipped her lips.
“Order of potato skins, coming right up!” The man grinned. “Any drinks?”
“I’ll do whatever stout you’ve got on tap,” I explained. “What about you guys?”
“Water,” Raph said as he smacked his lips. “I appear to be severely parched.”
“I’ll do an IPA.” Sia smiled and closed her menu.
“I’m not a big drinker,” Aruna admitted. “So water for me.”
“Same here,” Tris added. “I’m getting the same shit Raph is.”
Eclipse and Invidia both ordered some sort of fruity cocktail, and then the waiter was on his way.
“So, what’s the plan now, Jacob?” Eclipse asked as she leaned forward and looked at all of us. “This is the last place we need to atone for in this area, right?”
“Right,” I confirmed. “Hopefully, the rest of the crew is doing well, because we’re making record time here. The sooner we finish up this trial and I get the Ethereal energy, the better.”
“Perhaps it would be a good thing to complete our portion of the trials early,” Aruna suggested. “It’d give you much more time to prepare for the final battle with Lucifer.”
“Seriously,” I agreed. “It’s not like we have much else on our plate right now.”
“I-I wouldn’t be so sure, Jacob…” Invidia gasped, and her mouth was agape with fear.
“What’s wrong, Vidia?” Tris prompted. “You look as pale as a ghost, dude.”
“She’s a big-tiddy goth girlfriend,” Todd laughed. “She’s always gonna look pale as a ghost, Slothy.”
“N-No.” Invidia shook her head and then pointed. “Look at the TV.”
We all followed the Sister of Envy’s finger over to the television that hung above the bar. On it was some sort of news report, though I couldn’t hear it clearly.
However, there was one thing I could see, clear as day.
On the screen was a picture of me.
And underneath that photo was the word “Antichrist?”
“What… the… Fuck?” I sputtered as my heart sank into my stomach.
Chapter 12
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuck.
I had no idea how, or why, but apparently people thought I was the goddamn Antichrist now.
Actually, on second thought, I knew exactly “how” and “why.”
“Fucking Lucifer,” I snarled under my breath as I stared at the picture of myself on the screen.
“Well, that’s certainly not good,” Raphael’s stoned ass slurred. “That would be a ‘no bueno’ as Todd likes to say.”
“Really ‘no bueno.’” Todd whistled. “You know what this means, bro?”
“That Lucifer is fucking with me by telling the world I’m the antichrist?” I suggested.
“No-- I mean, yeah, there’s that,” the imp confirmed. “But there is something much, much worse… We’re gonna have to drop all your likenesses from Todd’s Treasures and Tuesdays with the Toddster, Jakey. No more merch, no more guest spots on the podcast, no more livestreams from your bedroom--”
“You did livestreams from my bedroom?” I gasped as my eyes narrowed at the imp. “Please tell me it was when I wasn’t in it.”
“Then that is what I will tell you.” Todd nodded, though his lips were pursed together so tightly he could probably turn coal into diamond.
“Maybe I just don’t understand,” Eclipse noted. “Why is this a bad thing? Doesn’t Lucifer want there to be an Antichrist?”
“He does,” Sia confirmed. “But remember, Eclipse, even though ‘The Beast’ is integral to Lucifer’s plan, it is extremely detrimental to the plight of the mortals of Earth.”
“In English, Strawberry Shortcake,” Todd pleaded as he tilted his head to the right.
“People are afraid of the Antichrist,” Sia repeated. “And Jacob is currently trying to atone for all his wrongdoings on Earth Realm. If people think he is the one who will bring about the end of the world--”
“That’s gonna lead to a whole lot of issues,” I grumbled. “Which will lead to a fuckton of situations that will create a bunch of ‘wrongs.’”
“It’ll be a never-ending cycle of sin,” the petite redhead confirmed. “Every time you atone for one, you will have an altercation that will create another.”
“What a bunch of hogwash,” Raphael scoffed as he rubbed his bright red eyes. “People will not believe that sort of nonsense, just because the news tells them. Particularly when there is zero evidence.”
“Oh, Raph…” Todd clicked his tongue and shook his head. “Poor, sweet, innocent Raph… We’ll have to have Crazy Eyes tell you all about it when we see her again.”
“If it’s on the freaking news already, it must be spreading,” I noted. “Like wildfire.”
“I don’t envy you, Jacob.” Invidia shuddered as she crossed her arms over her busty chest. “Having your face plastered all over television like that? I think I’d die.”
“At least you don’t have to worry about any paranormal assassins coming after you,” Aruna chuckled. “I think they’re all still down in Jamaica celebrating their retirement, courtesy of the money you paid them off with.”
“Except for you,” I reminded her. “You’re here in bumfuck nowhere, Nevada.”
“There’s only one place I desire to be, King Ralston,” the Rakshasi purred. “That’s wherever you are.”
“Not Cabo?” Raph mused. “Or Paradise? Or even New Zealand?”
“Shit, Tigra,” Todd interjected. “I’d give my left nut to go stand where Viggo Mortenson and Orlando Bloom and John Rhys-Davies chased down those orcs.”
“You really enjoy Pirates of the Caribbean, don’t you?” the Archangel mused through a hazy smirk.
Todd whipped his head around and narrowed his eyes at Raph. His tiny fists clenched as his jaw began to twitch, and for a second I thought his right eye was gonna bug out of his head.
“Okay, bro.” Todd took a deep breath and let it out slow. “I’ll let that slide this time, since it’s the first time you’ve ever been blitzed and ain’t thinking in your right mind. But next time you slander the glorious name of Tolkien, there will be Mordor to pay, ya hear?”
“What are you talking about?” Raph raised an eyebrow. “I absolutely love Harry Potter.”
“Hold me back, Jakey!” Todd declared, seconds before he lunged across the table at the Archangel.
I caught him with my green Hellfire in an instant and held him in place as he proceeded to swing his fists rapidly. The rest of the bar seemed to glance over in our direction, but thankfully the green fire was invisible to the human eye.
To them, it just looked like Todd was having some sort of drunken altercation with one of his buddies.
The reality, of course, was much more embarrassing.
I used my Hellfire to pull Todd back into his chair, where I held him for another minute.
“You done?” I asked the imp.
“Yeah,” Todd confirmed. “Sorry about that, Jakey. I just lose my cool when it comes to my bible.”
“Chronicles of Narnia!” Raph clapped his hands together and giggled. “That’s what you are talking about. There. I knew I’d get it eventually. And why wouldn’t I? It’s only the greatest fantasy series ever written.”
“Narnia?” Todd growled. “Narnia? You think a buncha spoiled, crumpet-eating brats with toothpicks and a freaking magic wardrobe, who fight alongside a talking lion and mouse named goddamn Reepicheep… Is superior to the works of Tolkien? Saruman would squash the White Witch with a snap of his fingers, bro. Gandalf would wipe the floor with Aslan. Hell, I bet even Aragorn could one-v-one that jabroni!”
“Who is Aragorn?” High Raph asked. “Is he as good of a swordsman as Prince Caspian?”
Todd let out another angry wail as he lunged forward, but I stopped him with my green flames.
“Chill, bro,” I hissed. “The last thing we need right now is attention.”
Todd frowned, but he must have realized I was right because he sat back in his chair, crossed his arms over his chest, and frowned.
“Fucking Reepicheep, bro…” he muttered under his breath.
“First thing’s first,” I announced. “I need to change that freaking channel before somebody recognizes me.”
“Yo, waiter!” Raph blurted out through his cottonmouth. “Can we change the channel?”
“Raph!” I shushed the Archangel. “No attention, remember?”
I glanced over at the TV, took a deep breath, and then summoned green flames into my hand. I squinted as I tried to pinpoint the location of the buttons on the television itself, and when I couldn’t find those, I looked for the next best thing: the remote.
There it was, attached to the wall just beside the bar shelf with a thin strip of Velcro. It was fairly slim, with tiny black buttons. Thankfully, the only buttons I cared about were clear due to their unique shape. There, on the right of the remote, was a long button that covered half of its length.
I commanded my green flames to surround that button, and I pressed it down as hard as I could.
My blood ran cold when I saw the volume bar appear at the bottom of the screen and then move up.
“... Mr. Ralston is believed to be traveling with a ‘harem’ of women,” the anchor’s voice boomed across the restaurant. “All believed to be equally armed and dangerous. We don’t know why they have formed this doomsday cult, but authorities believe it has something to do with the strange weather we’ve had these last few days. Police ask that people report any sightings of Ralston or his cult immediately.”
Fuck. The remote was upside down.
I immediately changed the direction of my Hellfire, turned the volume back down, and then moved it over to the channel buttons. I hit down once again, and the picture on the screen shifted to the image of some weird Japanese game show.
“Hey, bartender!” one of the men at the bar shouted. “Something’s fucky with the TV! I wanna watch the mid-day news.”
I held my breath as I watched the woman behind the bar stroll over, pull the remote off the wall, and then smack it a few times against the palm of her hand. She pointed it at the TV and clicked, but I held the buttons in place with my green fire.
“What the hell?” the bartender grumbled as she slammed it into her hand harder. “Piece of junk…”
I summoned green flames into my other hand and then commanded them to surround the entire screen. Next, I pulled my hand back toward me, and there was the sound of crumbling drywall as the wall mount was yanked free. The bartender screamed as the TV fell to the floor with a loud crash, and then she stood there with her hand over her mouth and her eyes wide.
After a few glances between the wall and the now-broken TV, the bartender turned and rushed off to the back room.
“That was fucking close,” I sighed.
“See?” Superbia noted. “Now that’s one more thing you’ll have to atone for.”
“I think I can cover the price of a TV,” I chuckled and wiped the nervous sweat from my brow. “That’s way better than having to explain to everybody I’m not the Antichrist.”
“Thank goodness we’re mostly sticking to the boonies, bro,” Todd admitted. “If we’d gone to Tampa or Vegas instead of the others, we’d have millions of eyes on us right now.”
“That’s one silver lining to the situation,” I agreed. “I wonder--”
Before I could finish my sentence, I suddenly felt a wash of warm energy travel across my chest. At the same time, a dull, black, ectoplasmic light flashed like a supernova, and then it absorbed itself into my torso.
“My lord!” Raph let out a shrill gasp and then ducked under the table. “W-We’re under attack!”
“Don’t mind our friend here,” Superbia announced to the rest of the bar with an awkward chuckle. “He’s had a few too many legal weeds, and he’s quite paranoid right now.”
“I don’t give a shit if he’s high as a kite,” one of the grumpy old men snorted. “Just keep it down. I’m trying to do my sudoku.”
“Sorry,” Sia apologized.
“Was that what I think it is?” Aruna asked with a half-smile.
“I think so.” I nodded. “I think one of our groups just atoned.”
“I bet it was Ollie, Little Mermaid, and Dick Janey,” Todd noted. “They’re always on top of their shit. Jakey included, for two of ‘em at least.”
“I don’t know who it is,” I said. “But I’m happy we’re one step closer to the end.”
“You know what else you’re one step closer to?” our waiter’s voice announced. “Delicious Pit Stop food!”
We turned to see the blond man walk up with a platter in each hand. The one with the food was steaming hot, and my mouth watered the second the aroma hit my nostrils. Our server set one of the platters onto a portable stand and then proceeded to distribute several boats of food onto our table, followed by all of our drinks. By the time he was done, there was a literal mountain of food before us.
