Succubus Lord 19, page 25
“Let’s start back from the beginning,” Ziminiar suggested. “I am familiar with your story, King Ralston, but perhaps it would do us good to walk through it all again.”
“Okay…” I admitted. “So, it all started when Todd used his half of the rent to buy a rare, ancient book…”
I proceeded to walk through the entirety of the story so far, from the first time I summoned the succubi, to the first time I came down to Hell and killed Azazel, to the fight with the Unholy Trio and eventually Cao and the Seven Sons of Satan.
As I spoke through the whole tale, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of nostalgic pride swelling in my chest.
It’d been a few years since this all began, but I’d come a long fucking way. Gone was the down-on-his-luck guy who lived in a shitty apartment, without a sense of purpose or direction in his life.
Now, I was the strongest Demon King who’d ever existed, surrounded by dozens of people who adored me as both a lover and a friend, and who would fight for me to the death.
And, if I played my cards right, I would soon be the King of Hell.
“There was a surprising lack of Toddster in that story, bro,” Todd giggled when I was done. “I know you want a spin-off pretty bad, Jakey, but you can’t just cut Batman outta the Dark Knight movies. I was the one who got us into this mess in the first place, bro. I bought the book… I carved the pentagram into the floor… I told our landlord he was a fat motherfucker who was one Doritos Locos Taco away from meeting John Candy…”
Suddenly, it hit me.
“Todd!” I gasped as I turned to the imp, grabbed him around the shoulders, and lifted him up to meet my eyes. “That’s it, bro!”
“What?” Todd quirked his head. “You think that Chode-sucking oompa loompa died and is down here somewhere?”
“No…” I trailed off as a smile spread across my face. “I know where we need to go. Our old apartment. We hightailed it out of there after we summoned the succubi… I bet that pentagram’s still there.”
“That’s your last sin!” Libidine declared. “If you fix your old apartment, then--”
“Then I’ll be all squared away in the eyes of the universe,” I finished, and I turned back to all of my allies. “If we want to finish this once and for all, it looks like we’re gonna have to head back to where our adventure began.”
I wasn’t sure if the Exalted One or Lucifer had any hand in this fate, but if they did, they got kudos for the irony.
My last sin to atone for as a Demon King was quite literally where my sins as a Succubus Lord began.
Chapter 17
“Fuck, bro.” Todd whistled. “Who’d have ever thought we’d have to go back to that old cesspool of an apartment? I still think Mr. Chokesondick should be charging rent to all the creepy-crawlers that live there.”
“Seriously,” I mused. “I think the mice and the rats did more to clean up the place than he did.”
“And Todd,” Lilith noted with a smirk. “I remember how terrible that apartment was… Why do you think ‘Tamira’ always wanted to go out for our dates and never wanted to stay in and watch a movie? I couldn’t stand the place any more than you could.”
“It was not that bad,” Libidine protested. “We have been to some truly run-down and awful places over the years. Jacob and Todd’s apartment may have been a little cluttered, but it was nowhere near a ‘cesspool.’”
“We’re used to Hell, Sister,” Cupi chuckled. “Anything looks like a four-star resort by comparison.”
“We should make haste, then,” Raphael interjected. “If Jacob’s old apartment is where we need to go, then I shall follow you there.”
“I’m not goin’ up to Earth,” Mammon argued through his blubbery cheeks. “Those humans hate me up there.”
“You won’t have to,” I confirmed. “I need people to stay down here in Hell to push back against Lucifer’s forces. He’s been watching us very closely these last few days, and I know he’s starting to get spooked. I wouldn’t be surprised if he tries to march on the Eighth Circle soon, especially once he realizes what we are doing.”
What can we best do to help, then, King Ralston? Mephisto asked telepathically.
“What I need is for most of you Demon Kings to stay down here in Hell,” I explained. “Daniel? I want you to gather up all of our Shade army and then send them to two different posts… Send half of them to the Eighth Circle, and the rest to First.”
“Why do we need troops in my Circle, if I may ask?” Asmodeus questioned. “Wouldn’t Lucifer attack from the Ninth Circle?”
“That would make the most logical sense,” I continued. “But don’t forget the Hunter’s Plains are not part of any Circle. They’re completely free territory, so I would bet money on Lucifer trying to attack from there.”
“How can you be so sure?” Asmodeus leaned forward in his chair.
“Because it’s what I would do.” I shrugged. “And as much as I hate to admit it, I inherited my father’s penchant for trickery, so I kinda know how he thinks.”
“I shall gather the troops at once, King Ralston.” Daniel said with a bow.
“What about us, Jacob?” Zilla spoke up. “I do not think your father has any desire to come to the Shadow World.”
“That’s why you guys are gonna come to him.” I grinned. “We’ve already established you guys can come to Earth with the right magic… I don’t know how long this process is gonna take, and once Lucifer knows what we’re up to, he’s gonna throw everything but the kitchen sink at us. If we had the Caliginian Army up on Earth protecting us, I’d feel a fuck of a lot better.”
“The Army of the Divine will be on your side as well, Jacob,” Metatron confirmed. “We will not let anybody into that apartment until the job is done, and your Ethereal powers have been claimed.”
“I can bring the Assassins, as well,” Aruna offered. “They are still in your service, and they would make short work of any of Lucifer’s grunts.”
“Shit…” I whistled as I leaned back in the chair. “So, we’ve got Assassins, Caliginis, and Angels up on Earth, and then Shades down here in Hell--”
“Don’t forget my deadly, girthy gigolos,” Asmodeus reminded us.
“Ya know?” Todd gagged. “It woulda cost you absolutely nothing to not say that. Zero dollars. No effort whatsoever. But ya had to say it, didn’t ya, Cuban Pete?”
“I’m just saying what I see,” Asmodeus chuckled. “My incubi are deadly warriors who happen to all have an equally deadly weapon inside of their pants. Their penises are very, very powerful.”
“Should we send him a cease-and-desist letter?” Raphael leaned in and whispered to Todd.
“Nah, Raphey,” Todd whispered back, though he was obnoxiously loud. “It’s just different enough from ‘Power of the Penis’ that the argument wouldn’t hold up in court.”
“Don’t forget about my little cherubs!” Mammon declared as he pounded on the table. “They’ll riddle all of Lucifer’s pathetic minions full of holes with their mighty arrows.”
How could I forget about the small, yellow-skinned, grotesque cherubs at Mammon’s disposal?
“It sounds like we’re all set, then.” I smiled at my friends. “All of you Demon Kings and your armies will fight alongside my Shades, and everyone else will come up and defend our apartment building. If Lucifer decides to rear his ugly head or try anything, he’s not gonna know what hit him.”
“This is a momentous occasion, Jacob Ralston,” Metatron noted as he stood from his chair. “For the first time in the history of the universe, angels will be fighting alongside demons, assassins, and Shadow People--”
“Caliginis, thank you very much!” Blagdan hissed.
“Wooooooooow, Megatron,” Todd huffed. “I didn’t know you were one of those people, bro. What else are ya calling people behind their back? Don’t tell me you think Rockbiter over there is actually a Leprechaun.”
“I-I did not mean any offense.” The blond man tripped over his sentence. “I’m simply saying the universe has never seen an alliance like this before, and that our chances of victory are high.”
“Let’s hope so,” I confirmed. “Because if we fuck this up, it’s all over.”
“Then we’d better make sure we don’t fuck it up, ” Lilith said. “And I am confident we will not.”
“Alright, then,” I finally announced. “This is it, guys… Head back to your Circles and prepare for whatever comes next. Daniel and my army will meet you at your castles, and then you can march along with them to the perimeter of the First and Eight Circles. Everybody else? Let’s meet at my old apartment in, let’s say… Twelve hours? That’ll give everybody enough time to prep and get some rest before we get into whatever the fuck is gonna happen up there.”
“Twelve hours it is, then.” Metatron nodded. “Raphael? Let us gather the other Archangels.”
“We will see you soon, Jacob,” Raphael confirmed. “Do not do anything foolish in the meantime.”
“Try to stay sober, Raphey,” Todd called out as the two Archangels surrounded themselves with Divine light. “And make sure you drink a buncha water to flush all that THC outta your system!”
“What?” Metatron shot Raph a dirty look, but then they both vanished in the blinding flash.
“Eligor and I shall return to our Circles and prepare our Shades,” Lilith noted as she sprang from her seat. “But do not think for a second we won’t be up there with you.”
“You have your own domains to protect,” I protested to the Demon Queens. “We’ve got plenty of soldiers and generals up top, Lilith. We’ll be fine.”
The redheaded Demon Queen strutted over to my position and then placed her hand on my cheek as she walked around me from behind. The next thing I knew, her soft, slender chin rested on my shoulder, and she let out a long purr.
“But I won’t be fine if I’m not around you,” she whispered into my ear. “And I know Eligor feels exactly the same way.”
Lilith nuzzled against my cheek for a second, so I reached up and ran my hand across her delicate face. The Demon Queen gave me a peck on the cheek before she stood back up and sauntered over to Eligor once more.
“Let’s go, mistress,” Eligor declared with a smirk. “There will be plenty of time for festivities with Jacob once Lucifer is defeated.”
“That’s all?” Asmodeus scoffed, with a hint of disappointment in his voice. “Not even a bit of PG-13 softcore action? Just a kiss, and then you leave?”
“I don’t think they’re gonna start fucking right here on the table in front of us, bro,” Todd chuckled.
“Why not?” the King of the First Circle questioned. “The Shades in my Cathedral do it allllll the time.”
“All the time?” Ziminiar’s mouth fell agape.
“Well…” Asmodeus trailed off. “Only every day that ends in a ‘y.’ In fact, I think I may try to sneak in a quick gangbang before we go off to battle. Play me off, Rick!”
The moment the Demon King’s words left his mouth, a Shade stepped through the door with a bass guitar in his hands.
“Where the fuck did he come from?” I raised an eyebrow.
“It’s best not to ask questions,” Sia sighed. “Just try to go along with it.”
The Shade began to play a funky bassline, and Asmodeus stood from his chair. I tried to hold in my laughter as the Demon King snatched up his jewel-topped cane from the ground and then strutted away in time with the beat of the music, all the way until he was out the door.
Meanwhile, Mammon was trying his damndest to get up from his chair.
“Trying” may have been too kind of a word. The King of the Second Circle had his grubby hands against the table and was then rocking back and forth on the stone chair to try and give himself enough momentum to get up. The tile beneath the legs of his seat cracked and shattered with each movement that he made, and his face was completely covered in sweat as he huffed and puffed.
“Uhhhh,” Gula whispered. “Should we do something?”
“Other than grab some popcorn, sit back, and watch?” Tris giggled. “Nah.”
“Come on, girls,” Superbia interjected. “I taught you better than that. We must help him.”
“No offence, Superbia,” Cupi noted. “But I’m not touching him.”
“I feel ya there, Cupi,” Todd agreed. “Jabba looks clammier and more troubled than a priest who just saw Chris Hansen walk by. I bet if you pressed into one of his fat rolls the wrong way, you’d get a one-way ticket into the adipose dimension.”
“I’ve got it.” I rolled my eyes and then summoned purple Hellfire into my right hand.
I quickly tossed down a platform of purple just beneath Mammon’s ass, and the impact nearly brought me to my knees when he landed on it. I let out a muted grunt as I heaved, raised the platform, and helped the King of the Second Circle back to his feet.
“Thank you,” Mammon huffed. “But I coulda done that myself.”
“Before or after you fell through the floor?” Todd snickered under his breath.
“I’m gonna go grab my scooter, and then I’ll let the cherubs know,” the yellow demon declared, and then he turned and waddled out the door.
Meanwhile, Mephisto and Ziminiar had both found their way over to our position.
King Ralston? Mephisto asked in an unusually soft tone. I am confident we will win this battle against Lucifer. I have seen your skills first-hand, and I know how powerful you are. But, if for some reason we don’t make it out of this alive… I-I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me. Before you unlocked me from that tomb, I was a lowly demon, hated by my own kind and damned to eternal punishment. You believed in me, though, King Ralston… Now I am a Demon King, and it wouldn’t have been possible without you and your friends.
Mephisto held out his long, lanky orange arm in a display of gratitude, so I snatched his hand and shook it firmly.
“Don’t mention it, Mephisto.” I smiled. “You’ve been a loyal ally and a good friend through it all.”
Thank you, King Ralston. The Master of Whispers bowed his head. Good luck.
As Mephisto raised up into the air and floated away, Ziminiar took a step toward me.
“King Ralston--” he began, but Todd quickly cut him off.
“Sheesh,” Todd interjected. “Just let Jakey tap his heels together and go back to Kansas already.”
“It’s fine, Ziminiar,” I reassured the King of the Sixth Circle. “I know what you’re gonna say, and I bet I’d say the exact same thing back to you.”
Ziminiar raised his goat-like eyebrows and tilted his head.
“You’re going to tell me my parents have been taken to a secure location, and that they are safe from Lucifer’s forces?” the goat-faced demon chuckled.
“Oh, no…” My face flushed with heat. “I thought you were gonna say something sappy and hopeful like Mephisto just did.”
“I was, Jacob.” Ziminiar smiled. “After I told you about your parents. You are the greatest Demon King I have ever met, King Ralston… And I look forward to working with you until the end of time.”
“Thanks, Ziminiar.” I nodded at the King of the Sixth Circle, and then he turned and left.
“I’ll round up the Assassins,” Aruna spoke up. “Don’t be late, Jacob.”
Before I could say anything, the Rakshasi surrounded herself with ectoplasmic magic, transformed into a bat, and squeaked as she flew out of the room.
“Ya ain’t gettin’ no sappy speech from me, Jacob,” Cao suddenly snorted as she walked over and slapped me on the shoulder. “But I just want ya ta know I’ll be up on Earth with ya, kicking the shit outta Lucifer and his men.”
“That’s what I want to hear,” I confirmed with a sly grin, and then I turned back to the rest of my friends. “Alright, everyone… I’m guessing you’re all coming up with me, too?”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” Deja admitted.
“Nor would I,” Sia added. “Right, girls?”
All of my Demon Lords let out a battle cry, and my heart swelled with pride.
“That settles it, then,” I confirmed. “Everybody, go off and get some rest, and then we’ll head up to Earth in twelve hours.”
“Yes!” Invidia celebrated under her breath, and then she headed for the door. “That gives me plenty of time to listen to Green Day’s entire discography.”
“Priorities.” Mirage rolled her eyes before she dashed off after the Sister of Envy.
Eclipse, Inpulsa, Deja, and Gula all followed the two Demon Lords, and then Tris and Todd gave each other a knowing stare.
“Wanna get blazed and laugh at old fucked-up commercials?” Todd asked.
“Yup,” Tris said without missing a beat.
“And then you wanna destroy an entire pizza all by ourselves?” the imp continued.
“Yep!” Tris declared, and then the two besties hurried out of the room.
“I don’t know about the rest of you,” Oliver said through a yawn. “But I am completely drained. I believe I will utilize this time as it was intended and go get some shut-eye.”
“And I’m gonna utilize this time as intended and go for an acid bath,” Ira giggled.
“A-An acid bath?” Oliver’s eyes widened at the Sister of Wrath. “Like… For your skin?”
“Oh, it takes the skin right off,” Ira continued. “Sometimes it even gets aaalllllll the way down to the bone!”
Oliver’s mouth fell agape, but the white-haired cult leader quickly regained his composure and headed for the door. Ira was right behind him, and she was giggling the entire way.
“We will rally our troops and meet you on Earth,” Zilla finally declared.
“Ohhhhh, Earth…” Blagdan sighed as he stared off longingly. “I can’t wait to see how you humans actually live nowadays.”
“Our apartment isn’t the greatest example,” I admitted.
“If you could, please, King Ralston?” Zilla raised an eyebrow in my direction.
“Oh, right,” I mused as I summoned black Hellfire into my hands and then surrounded both of the Caliginis with its shimmer.
I commanded the spell to return them to the Shadow World, and both of the spectral warriors disappeared in a flash.
