Mirror Image, page 44
"I don't want to hear this now, " he said, wanting to run out of the tent like a child running away from a punishment, but Victoria held him firm with her gaze as she lay there.
"You have to, there is no other time, " she said almost coldly.
She wanted to get this over with, for all of their sakes. It was time now.
She knew she had to do it. "I'm not who you think I am. I'm not even who my passport says I am, Charles." She looked at him long and hard and he knew as she lay there. He stared at Olivia openmouthe , and then back at his wife again, the real one, who lay injured in the hospital tent in Chalons-sur-Marne, not the woman he had lain with for a year, and who had given birth to his children.
"Are you telling me .. . are you saying to me .. ." He knew, but he couldn't bear to say it.
"I'm telling you something that you already know and may not want to hear, " she said, still strong, even at death's door. But she knew him well, despite her disdain for him. She had sensed his instinctive intuition when he looked at her that she was the woman he had married, and not the woman he had come from New York with.
Olivia felt tears in her eyes as she listened to her twin continue, however painful * was for all three of them. "I'm telling you we hated each other, and you know it. We would have destroyed each other, if I stayed. It was an arrangement neither of us could live up to ..
.
she loves you, you know .. . Olivia has been kind to you for a year.
I haven't been there, but I can see it in her eyes, and yours ..
.
you love her too. Charles, you never loved me, and you know it." She was right but that only made her words sting more. If she had been whole, he thought he would have slapped her, but now he couldn't. He could only stare at her in horror, suddenly forced to face something he hadn't ever allowed himself to even think o And forced by her hand to face it now, he looked at his real wife in fury.
"How dare you tell me this now .. . how dare you .. . both of you .
.." He was raging at them, in as soft a voice as he could muster, with hundreds of men around them. "You're not children, playing games ... this switching you were always so proud of .. . you were my wife, you owed me something, Victoria, more than this .. ." He was almost speechless with outrage.
"I owed you a lot more than I gave you. All I ever would have given you is pain. And you would never have let yourself love me. You were too afraid .. . you were too hurt by what you'd lost, but maybe Olivia ..
. maybe she gave you what you wanted. You're not afraid of her, Charles.
If you were honest about it, you'd admit you love her. You don't love me, you hate me." For Olivia's sake, if nothing else, she wanted him to see that.
"I hate both of you, and I'm not going to stand here and let you tell me what I did or didn't do, should or shouldn't have done, or who I love, because it's convenient for you. I don't give a damn if you are sick, or wounded, or God knows what. I think you're both sick, you play with people like toys. Well, I'm not a toy for either of you. Do you hear me? " he said, raising his voice finally, staring at both of them in total rage, and then he strode out of the tent as fast as he could, fighting back tears, unable to believe it. Olivia was crying softly by then, and Victoria was holding her hand as tightly as she could, which wasn't very.
"He'll get over it, Olivia .. . believe me, he doesn't hate you .
.
.
" But she was getting agitated and the nurse came to ask Olivia to leave.
She kissed her sister's cheek gently then, and promised to come back later. They were all too overwrought to talk any longer.
Olivia looked for Charles outside, but she couldn't find him anywhere, and then finally, she found him pacing outside the men's barracks.
"Don't talk to me, " he said angrily as she approached, and he held a hand out as though to stop her. "I don't even know you. You're a stranger. I don't know any decent human being who could do a thing like that to anyone. Not for a day, or a year, or thirteen months, and certainly not in order to have two babies. It's obscene, you're immoral, both of you. You're sick. You should be married to each other." He was so enraged he was shaking.
"I'm sorry .. . I don't know what else to say .. . I did it for her at first .. . and for you and Geoff. I didn't just want her to leave you. It's true." She was sobbing almost beyond control as she said it.
She couldn't bear the thought of losing him, but she knew she had to pay the price of their lie now.
"I don't believe you, " he said coldly. "I don't want to hear anything more from you, or your sister."
"And then I did it for me, " she said sadly. "Father was right.
" She decided to throw all her chips in. She had nothing to lose now.
"I was always in love with you, right from the beginning, and when he asked you to marry her, I had nothing left, except a lifetime with him.
It was my one chance to be with you, to be yours." Tears were streaming down her face as she looked at him, but he wouldn't look at her now.
"Charles, I love you, " she said in utter agony, but he looked at her with equal fury.
"Don't tell me that. You made a fool of me. You seduced me, you lied to me, you fooled me. But you're nothing to me, " he said cruelly, "everything you did and had and got was a lie. We're not even married.
You mean nothing to me, " he said, as she felt her heart break in a thousand pieces.
"Our children are not lies, " she said gently, pleading with him silently to forgive her, if it took a lifetime.
"No, " he said, with tears choking him, "but thanks to you, they're bastards." He turned away from her then, into the men's barracks, where she couldn't follow him. And she went back to sit next to her sister.
Victoria was asleep by then, and a nurse put a finger to her lips and asked Olivia not to wake her. She was exhausted, and the fever was higher.
Olivia didn't see Charles again that day. She didn't know where he went, but he never came back to the hospital tent, and she wondered if he was planning to leave now without her. If he did, she'd have to deal with it. She was planning to stay until she could bring Victoria home with her baby. Olivia slept in a chair beside her all night, trying to block out the noise of the men who were suffering and dying.
Her sister woke once or twice, and whenever Olivia walked around to stretch, people spoke to her, thinking she was her sister. It was particularly unnerving since they called her by her right name, as Victoria had been known as Olivia here, to everyone but Edouard.
Charles appeared at Victoria's bedside again finally the next morning.
She was awake, and Olivia had just left to get some coffee.
"That was quite a performance yesterday, " she said to him, looking tired, but still mean enough to fight him. And he smiled at her, some things don't change. He could see now what she had said, that they could never have been married. He had done a lot of thinking during the night.
"You took me by surprise. That was quite a revelation, " he said and she narrowed her eyes at him. She didn't believe him.
"I don't think so, Charles, not really. Are you telling me you never knew, never even suspected, that she was never any different than I am?
Look at us, she's gentle and soft and loving and would lay down her life for you even now. You and I would kill each other, given half a chance.
We're like the French and the Germans." They both smiled. It was true and they knew it. "Don't tell me you never knew, never wondered, never thought it. You must have, at least once .. . maybe twice .
.. or more .. . but you chose not to know it."
"You may be right, " he admitted, which surprised her. "Maybe I didn't want to know. It was so easy and so comfortable, and so good. I wanted it so much to work between us, and maybe Olivia was the answer."
"Don't forget that now. Don't destroy her because you're angry.
" She was very firm with him. She didn't want him to hurt her sister.
"You're amazing, you two, " he said with a sigh, admiring her in a way.
She was so strong, so willing to do anything for her sister, just as Olivia was for her. "I'm not sure it's a relationship I'll ever understand. It's like two souls, and one person. Or maybe it's the other way around, " he smiled. "I don't think outsiders ever understand it."
"You could be right. I feel her in my heart sometimes. I know when she needs me." As she did now. Olivia was in a terrible state over the things Charles had said to her the previous morning.
"She says the same thing, " he said quietly. And then he remembered something and it all came clear now. It was right after Olivia had supposedly left for California. Were you on the Lusitania, by any chance? " he asked with a strange look, and she nodded.
"I don't have much luck with ocean voyages, " she said ruefully, and he smiled.
"She kept dreaming she was drowning. I had to call a doctor for her."
"It took me three days to send her a telegram, things were crazy in Queenstown. I could never tell you what all that was like.
Compared to that, " she remembered the woman giving birth in the water next to her, before she passed out, "this is nothing. The children were what made it so awful." She closed her eyes then to block it out, and he touched her hand. He could sense that she was fading.
"What about you now? What do you want me to do? " He had come here to make peace with her. For him, despite his shock initially, the war with her was over.
"I have a child. I want Ollie to take him home with her, " she said clearly, her eyes filling with tears as she thought of him and his father. She hadn't seen her baby in two weeks now, and she ached to see him.
"How did that happen? " He looked surprised, and she laughed through her tears at the man who had once been her husband.
"Same way it happened to you and Ollie. I wish I could see your little girls, " she said wistfully.
"You will, " he said, forgiving her for all she'd done, though he wasn't sure why, but it didn't seem to matter anymore. It was over.
He had come here to tell her that, that it didn't matter. And if she wanted, he'd divorce her. "You'll see the girls when you come home, " he said, willing her to believe it, but she shook her head with a look that said she knew better.
"No, I won't Charles .. . I know it .. ." She didn't look frightened, only wistful.
"Don't be silly. That's why we're here. To take you home ..
. and your baby." Life was never simple. Where's his father? " Charles asked gently, wondering if he'd ever known her.
"He died .. . that's when I got wounded." "Well, get better, so I can take you home and divorce you." He smiled and bent to kiss her, and she looked up at him strangely.
"You know .. . in my own crazy way, I suppose I did love you.
It just wasn't right for either of us .. . but I meant to do it right in the beginning."
"So did I, " he said wistfully, "I don't think I'd gotten over Susan."
"Go find your wife .. . or your sister-in-law .. . or whatever she is .. ." She tried to laugh but it hurt too much and she was getting woozy.
"Good-bye, crazy girl .. . I'll see you later, " he said and left her then, with a very odd feeling. He didn't know what it was, but he was beginning to feel like Olivia, with all her premonitions.
He went back to the mess tent then, to look for her, but he couldn't find her. And she wasn't at the women's barracks either. He managed to miss her all that afternoon, and he realized as he walked around that it was his wedding anniversary that day. Their second. The question was with which woman? He had to smile at the absurdity of it all, and when he went back to check on Victoria again, he saw Olivia sound asleep in a chair beside her, and Victoria was sleeping too. The two were holding hands as they slept and looked almost like children.
"How is she? " he asked the nurse, and she only shrugged and shook her head. The infection was moving slowly upward. It was hard to believe.
She was so coherent at times, so outrageous and still so feisty, and so fuzzy at others. Olivia had seen both sides of her as she sat there.
Charles disappeared without waking either of them, and at midnight, Olivia called the nurse. She herself was having pains in her chest, and she could see that Victoria was having trouble breathing.
"She can't breathe, " Olivia explained for her, but her twin looked mostly sleepy.
"Yes, she can, " the nurse insisted, "she's all right." As all right as she could be under the circumstances, but Olivia knew better. She put a damp cloth on her brow, and propped her up a little bit, and when Victoria woke up again, she smiled at her sister.
"It's okay, Ollie .. . don't .. . Edouard's waiting."
"No, " Olivia said furiously, suddenly panicked at the look on her face.
She was slipping away, and no one was doing anything to stop it.
"No .
.. you can't do that, dammit. You can't quit." Olivia was crying as she held her.
"I'm so tired, " she said sleepily, "let me go, Ollie."
"I won't." She felt as though she were wrestling with the devil.
"Okay, okay .. . I'll be good .. . go to sleep, " she said to her older sister. And Olivia held her for a long time, watching her, and then finally Victoria slipped into a peaceful sleep, and Olivia felt easier about her. Victoria opened her eyes and looked at her once, and smiled at her, and Olivia leaned down and kissed her. Victoria kissed her back, and whispered something to her, and when Olivia listened to her she heard her say she loved her.
"I love you too." She lay her head down on the pillow with her and slept for a while, and dreamed that they were children.
They were playing in a field in Croton, near their mother's grave, and their father was watching them and he was laughing. Every one looked so happy.
And in the morning, when she woke, Olivia looked down at her, and she was gone. There was a small, sweet smile on her lips, and she held her sister's hand. But there had been no holding her back from it.
Olivia had tried everything she could, but Victoria had gone to play with the others.
Chapter 33.
When Olivia came out of the hospital tent that day, she was reeling.
It was the twenty-first of June, 1916, and her twin was dead, half of her life, half of her soul, half of her being. She couldn't imagine being alone without her. Even though they had been apart for the past year, Olivia always knew she was there somewhere and she would see her.
Now she would never see her again. She was gone. It was over.
Finished.
She had lost Charles, would have to give her children up, and now she had lost her twin sister. She couldn't imagine a worse fate than hers, and she wanted to scream at Victoria to take her with her. She didn't want to live another day without her. And then, as though she could hear her sister's voice in her head, Olivia remembered her promise to take her baby.
She walked into one of the office tents, and asked if it was possible to get a driver to take her to the chateau. She explained what she wanted, and a young French boy smiled at her and offered to take her.
He had known Edouard and Olivia, as he called her, though he didn't know yet that she was dead. And Olivia couldn't bring herself to tell him.
He said it was only a short drive away, and she thought of telling Charles, but she knew she couldn't tell him anything anymore.
She had lost her right to. He had told her she meant nothing to him now, she was nothing to him. And he didn't even know it yet, but at that moment, he had been widowed.
Olivia was already on her way to the chateau when Charles went back to the medical tent to see Victoria. And when he got there, the nurse shook her head and pointed at the empty bed, and he stood there gaping.
He didn't even feel sad for her suddenly, he had known that she wanted to be released, he had sensed it easily, but all he wanted now was to find Olivia and console her. Despite how he felt about her deception, he could only begin to imagine her grief that morning. It was unthinkable, and he knew he had to find her quickly.
"Have you seen my wife .. . my .. . er .. . her sister? " he asked the nurse. It was still all too confusing, but she shook her head, and told him she had left, after her sister had died, sometime around seven.
He looked for her in the mess tent, but couldn't find her anywhere.
By then Olivia had been to the chateau, and been told where the chatelaine was. She was in Toul, which was a two hour journey, and Marcel, the boy who had driven her there, had agreed to take her.
She said very little to him on the trip east, he glanced at her once or twice, and saw that she was crying softly. He offered her a cigarette, and she shook her head, and finally looked at him. He was so young, barely eighteen. They talked about the war for a while, and ben finally they were in Toul. Olivia met the countess, at the little house they'd been sent to, and then, as the countess offered her sympathy, she showed Olivia the baby. He was beautiful and round and blonde and happy.
There was a feeling of Victoria about him, even more than his looks.
In fact, her own children looked more like her sister than he did, but he was very lovely, and he cooed happily when she held him. It was almost as though he knew she had come to take him, and he made her lonely not only for Victoria, but for her own children.
The countess was sad to say good-bye to him, but she was glad he was going home to safety with his aunt, and then she urged Marcel to be careful. The lines had been shifting for weeks and there had been snipers in the hills daily, as Olivia knew only too well. She held the baby on her lap on the way back, and he slept most of the way, and then, halfway back, Marcel saw something he didn't like on his left, and swerved away, as bullets narrowly missed them.
"Merde! " he said without hesitation. "Get down, " he told her, and she crouched on the floor of the car, holding the baby.
The snipers shot at him again and he sped away, but then he heard gunfire again, and shells up ahead, and he drove down an old country road, into an old, deserted farm, and hid the car in the stable. He pointed to the loft, and they hurried up the ladder leaning there, as she carried the baby.
