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"Is Grampa sick? "
"No, he's fine. Better than he's been in a while.
He loved your last visit." She smiled, thinking that she would have to be careful with him from the next day on, but she noticed that Victoria was being warmer to him these days too, in preparation for their switching. But it also showed Olivia that she could do it. And she said as much to Victoria when Geoff went upstairs to do his homework.
"You see, you're just as good with him as I am."
"When I'm pretending to be you." She grinned. "The rest of the time I don't even think about it."
"Maybe you'll have to start when you get back, " Olivia said pointedly.
She was already planning for the future. In fact, she had a suspicion that this brief interlude might actually improve their marriage.
In her fantasies, Victoria would come back, grateful for Charles, starving for him, and desperately grateful to have a child like Geoffrey. She would embrace them all, and Olivia would go back to Croton. No harm done.
And they would all live happily ever after. She was sure now that Victoria could do it. Under Victoria's spell, she had already painted a thousand happy pictures. But it jarred her a little when Charles came home, and Victoria suddenly prodded her unexpectedly into switching. She was cool with him, which didn't seem to surprise him, asked him about his day, and mentioned something she'd read in the papers. And a few minutes later he went up to his study. He had no idea at all that he had been talking to Olivia for the past ten minutes, and not his wife.
"You see how easy it is, " Victoria said to her, "it's just like it's always been, no different." In truth, it was, which surprised her.
Olivia slept in Geoff's room that night, clinging to him in the narrow bed, revelling in the last opportunity to lavish affection on him.
From the next day on, as Victoria she would have to be cooler, but perhaps in time, in the guise of Victoria, they could grow closer. She worried about the blow to him too, when he heard that she had gone to California for the summer without warning. She tried to say something to him that day, as she helped him dress to visit a friend. It was Saturday, and Victoria had long since arranged it. Olivia looked down at him with eyes filled with tears as she straightened his tie for him, and prayed he wouldn't notice.
"I love you very, very much, " she said, "no matter what. You know, even if I ever went away for a while, I'd come back. Not .. ." She choked on the words, but went on. She had to say it. ".. . not like your mother." She wanted him to know that she would come back to him, she would not desert him.
"Are you going somewhere? " Geoff looked surprised as he glanced at her and then he saw the tears. "Are you crying, Aunt Ollie? "
"No, I have a cold. And I happen to love you very much, and I'm a stupid, sentimental old woman."
"Yeah, " he grinned at her, and then took Chip downstairs for a walk, and they met again at the breakfast table.
She had wanted to leave Victoria alone with them, in case she wanted her own silent good-byes with them, but Victoria seemed to need none of it.
Olivia had never seen her as cheery. She was in tremendous spirits, chirping and laughing and talking about news of the war. She even gave Geoffrey a kiss when he left for his friend's house, which was most unlike her. She had really been making an effort, and she was so happy she wasn't going to see them for three months that she almost screamed with pleasure. And after three weeks of total restraint around them, by that afternoon she would be smoking.
When Charles left to go to the office, as he often did on Saturday, she was a little more cool, and he smiled and waved when he said good-bye to Ollie.
"Try to stay out of too much mischief, you two. I have a mountain of work to do this morning." Victoria had counted on that too, knowing that the ship was sailing on Saturday. She'd have been in trouble if he'd decided to stay home that day, but she knew him better than that, and if he had, Victoria would have found a way around it. She was determined.
"Have fun, " Victoria said with gentle sarcasm, and he hurried down the steps and that was the last she saw of her husband. When he was gone, they went upstairs, and closed and locked the door to her bedroom.
She handed Olivia her narrow wedding band, and his mother's engagement ring, and Olivia slowly slipped them on her finger. They fit perfectly, there was no difference. And then Victoria looked around the room, and then at her sister. "I guess this is it then.
"As simple as that? This is it? " Olivia looked wistful and Victoria nodded. She was too happy to conceal it. She was sad to leave her twin, as she always was, even for an afternoon, but she was so relieved to be leaving her life in New York, and with Charles, behind her. She knew now what she wished she had known eleven months before, that she never should have married him, no matter what her father did to force her.
"Take care of yourself, " she said to Olivia, "I love you." She held her tight and then pulled away from her, as Olivia looked worried.
"Take care of yourself too. If anything ever happened to you .
.
." She couldn't even finish her sentence as tears choked her.
"Nothing will. I'm going to spend the next three months rolling bandages and serving coffee to unwashed men well behind the lines, " she said as Olivia made a face.
"It sounds charming. I can't imagine why you'd want to do that.
" Rather than be here, safe and comfortable, with Charles and Geoffrey.
It made no sense to anyone but Victoria who was willing to risk her life to leave them and do something she thought was important and useful.
"Someone has to do it, " Victoria said quietly as she changed into a plain black dress and then left her bedroom to go up to the attic, where she had concealed her one sensible suitcase. She brought it back downstairs, and took a somber-looking hat with a heavy black veil out of her closet.
"What's that for? " Olivia looked puzzled, and she thought it unlike Victoria and surprisingly ugly. It was obviously meant for a widow, and the veil was so thick you couldn't see her face behind it. She was completely obscured by the thick veiling.
"There will be photographers at the ship. It's quite a nice ship, I hear. Even nicer than the Aquatania." And this would be better than a honeymoon for her. It was her trip to freedom. She had reserved a simple stateroom in first class, nothing like the one she had shared with Charles on the Aquatania, and she had carefully withdrawn some of the money her father had given her when she got married. Charles had suspected nothing. She had five hundred pounds on her in cash now, but she didn't imagine she'd need a great deal working behind the trenches.
She had taken rough warm clothes, except for a few proper dresses for the ship. She was planning to stay in her stateroom for much of the trip, in case anyone recognized her, and talked about it later.
"You thought of everything, didn't you, " Olivia said sadly. It broke her heart to see her go now, worse yet to see her so cheerful.
They took a cab to Pier Fifty-four on Fourteenth Street, and Olivia and Victoria held hands nervously in the taxi.
There was the usual furious hubbub of activity around the ship, music blared, people laughed, and shouted to friends, champagne flowed as the first-class passengers came aboard, and the widow in the heavy veil went quickly up the gangplank with her sister behind her. They found her cabin easily, and the porter had already put her bag there.
And for a long moment they stood looking at each other. There was nothing left to say now. It didn't need words. Victoria had left her life in her sister's hands, and she was going off to war now. And Olivia would take care of everything in her absence. But Olivia could hardly bear to leave her. She wanted to beg her not to go, but she knew her twin would never have listened.
"I'll know everything you do, you know, right here, " she pointed to her stomach, "so don't make me crazy with worry, please."
"I'll try not to, " Victoria laughed, knowing how true that was.
They had always had an uncanny telepathy between them. "At least I know you'll be safe with Charles. Don't forget to fight with him night and day, otherwise he'll miss me, " she teased, and Olivia hugged her.
"Swear to me you'll come back safe and sound."
"I swear, " she said solemnly as the ship's horn blew, and the warning sounded for visitors to go ashore, as Olivia felt her heart pound.
"I can't let you go, " Olivia said, meaning it for the briefest second.
She wanted to cling to her suddenly and keep her from going.
"Yes, you can, " Victoria said quietly, "it's no different than when I went on my honeymoon." Olivia nodded, and Victoria walked her to the gangplank in the ridiculous black hat with the veil. It made Olivia smile again just before she left her.
"I love you, you stupid girl. I don't know why I'm letting you do this."
"Because you know I have to." And the truth was she did.
Olivia knew she would have gone anyway. And it was better this way.
They hugged each other one last time, harder than they ever had before, and Olivia could see her eyes through the thick veil. They were both crying. This was far from easy.
"I love you, " Olivia said again, and Victoria crushed her to her.
"I love you .. . and oh God, Ollie, thank you for giving me my life back." Olivia kissed her one last time, and whispered to her. "God be with you, " and then walked slowly off the Lusitania and left her.
Chapter 20.
Olivia spent the rest of the afternoon feeling numb. She didn't know what to do with herself, as she wandered aimlessly from room to room, thinking about her. She knew that the ship would be out to sea by then, and even though she was nervous about seeing them she wished Geoffrey and Charles would come home so she wouldn't feel so lonely.
She felt so bereft without her twin, she had never gotten used to being without her for any length of time. It was so much easier for Victoria.
Olivia would never have taken a trip far away, without her twin sister.
But Victoria had already done it once before on her honeymoon, and now she had done it again. But Olivia felt lost without her.
And she knew that when they came home that afternoon she would have to give the greatest performance of her life. She had the letters for Geoff and her father ready for them, and even one to herself which pretended to explain everything, and why she had run off to California.
She was supposed to have taken the train to Chicago that afternoon, instead of sailing for Liverpool on the Lusitania.
But by the time Charles got home, she was ready for him, and he was shocked when he saw her face as he entered their bedroom. He knew instantly that something terrible had happened to her, and forgetting all the arguments they'd had, he rushed instantly toward her.
"Are you ill? " She looked deathly pale, and she was reclining in a chair with a desolate expression. What happened? "
"It's Ollie, " she said softly. He knew she couldn't have had an accident, or his wife would have been at the hospital with her.
As heartless as she seemed to be with everyone else at times, he knew how she adored her sister. "She left."
"She went home? " He looked surprised. "That's all? " Victoria, or the woman he thought was his wife, looked as though someone had died, not simply gone back to Croton. He knew something more must have happened.
"Did you have an argument? " She was fighting with everyone these days, maybe even Ollie, but the real Olivia shook her head as she watched him.
And she was feeling so lonely for Victoria by then that it was easy to look devastated. She was, so much so that she felt queasy, and she looked it. "Is your father ill? " Olivia shook her head again, and handed him the letter she had supposedly written to her sister. It was in fact in her own hand, allegedly to Victoria, although no one could tell their handwriting apart anyway, not even Bertie.
The letter explained simply that although it tore at her heart, she felt she had to get away for a few months, that her life was just too much for her at the moment. She was too lonely now that Victoria was gone, she realized that she was far too dependent on her, that she felt oppressed by the emptiness of her life in Croton, and she needed a few months to think about all of it, and get away from them. She said she was even thinking of joining a convent, since she knew she would never marry.
"Oh my God, " he looked at her, horrified, "how awful." He began to check his pockets then, and looked quickly in his wallet. "I wanted to see how much money I brought home. I'll go to Chicago tonight, and stop her. She can't do this. It'll kill your father." Olivia was afraid of that too, and hoped he was wrong with his prediction.
"By the time you get to Chicago, " she said practically "she'll be on the train to California." She sounded a little cavalier about her twin, but she didn't want Charles running all over the country on a wild-goose chase while her sister sat comfortably in a first-class cabin on a ship to Europe. "You'll never find her." He could see the sense in what she said, and sat down heavily beside her. He was , !
shocked at Olivia doing a thing like that, and couldn't imagine it, as he stared right into her eyes and didn't know it. And if he had known his wife better than he did, he would have seen her hand in all of it, but he didn't.
"Do you have any idea where she's gone? Who she might have gone to?
What friend it could be? " He sounded as frantic as she would have felt if the story were true, and her heart went out to him for caring so much about his wife's sister.
"She's a very secretive person, " Olivia said, and started to cry, thinking about her sister, steaming away from her for three months.
It was easy to cry when she thought of how much she hated her going, and already missed her.
"Oh my dear, " he said, instantly putting an arm around her, and it surprised Olivia. This was not what she had expected. "I'm so sorry.
Maybe she'll think better of it and come back in a few days. Maybe you shouldn't tell your father anything for a while and see what happens."
"You don't know how stubborn she is, Charles, " Olivia complained convincingly. "She's not always what she seems."
"Apparently, " he said, looking both worried and disapproving.
"Do you suppose your father's been very hard on her since you've been gone?
I've always thought it was unfair that she was trapped there with him, with no life of her own, no friends, no social life, no suitors. She never goes anywhere, and he doesn't seem to mind it, as long as she's there to take care of him. Maybe this is what it led to, " he said sadly.
"Maybe." Olivia had never thought of it quite that way, but he wasn't wrong entirely. She wondered if her father would see it that way too, and feel guilty. She thought it unlikely. "But if she says a few months, I'm sure she means it. She left Father a letter. I thought I'd take it to him tomorrow." Tomorrow was Sunday.
"You don't think we should wait a few days? " He was very worried.
"Really, Charles, I know her, and I think it's only fair to tell Father."
"I'll drive you, " he said solemnly and she nodded. "Did she say anything to you last night? No hint at all of what she was going to do?"
"Nothing, " Olivia said, still looking bereft, and he didn't tell her that suicides behaved that way too. Maybe it was just as well she had only run away for a while and not done anything even more foolish.
But for the first time in months, he felt sorry for his-wife, she looked so gentle and so broken suddenly that she almost reminded him of her sister.
And when Geoff came home from his friend's, they were even more worried about him. He sobbed openly when they told him Olivia was gone, and it was even worse when he read the letter she'd left him.
"It's just like Mama, " he said, as he sobbed in his father's arms, and tears rolled openly down Olivia's cheeks as she watched him.
"She's never coming back, I know it."
"Yes, she is, " Olivia said firmly through her own tears.
"Remember what she told you .. . that no matter where she ever went she would always come back, and she would always love you." She had said it to him herself only that morning when he was dressing, and he didn't question how she knew it, but she instantly reminded herself to be more careful.
"She's not lying, Geoff, " Olivia said softly, sounding as much like herself, as her sister. "She really loves you, you're like a son to her, the son she never had and never will have. We just have to wait for her to come back now." But he refused to believe she would, and later that night, Olivia pointed out to him that his own mother would have come back too, if she could have. Olivia was lying on his bed, playing with the dog, feeling the unfamiliar feeling of Victoria's rings on her fingers, as she said it.
"My mother could have come back, and she didn't, " he said angrily.
He was angry at Olivia too, for leaving him, and she didn't blame him.
But she was surprised by what he had said about his mother.
"What do you mean, Geoff? " she asked in confusion. Susan had died.
She hadn't left him.
"She didn't have to give her seat up, she could have gotten in the boat with me."
"She saved someone else's life, that's a very brave thing to do.
" He looked at her hesitantly and then he shrugged and two lonely tears slid down his cheeks.
"I still miss her, " he whispered. It wasn't the sort of thing he would normally have confessed to Victoria, but he was so distraught over Olivia, he let himself go with her, and Olivia reached out and touched his fingers.
"I know you do, " she said softly, "and I know you miss Ollie.
I do too .. . but maybe we can be friends now." He looked at her strangely then, and there was a question in his eyes, but she turned away from him and reminded herself not to go too far, and a few minutes later she kissed him and left his room, and went back to his father in their bedroom. It had been an extremely difficult evening, and she didn't thank her sister for it.
"How is he? " Charles asked with troubled eyes. He was worried about his son losing yet another mother figure in his life. And so far over the past year, Victoria had been very little comfort to him, although she had been nicer tonight than she'd been in months and he was happy to see it.
