Mirror Image, page 28
She stood very close to her, looked into her eyes, and touched Olivia's face with her fingers.
"I'm leaving."
"What? "
"You heard me. Olivia, I have to. I can't bear it for a moment longer."
"But you can't do that to them. How can you be so selfish? " She hadn't even thought of herself yet, and what it meant to her if Victoria went, all she could think of now were Charles and Geoffrey.
"It'll kill me if I stay, I'm absolutely sure of it, Ollie." She paced the room then, glancing occasionally at her sister, and then she stopped and looked at her. "Switch with me, please. I will go either way ... but at least then, you'll be there for them, if you're so worried about them."
"But where will you go? " Olivia was horrified by what she was hearing.
"Europe, " she said confidently. "France, I think. I can work behind the lines. I can drive an ambulance if I have to, I'm a pretty good driver."
"Tell that to Father, " Olivia said through tears, "and your French is terrible. I took all your exams for you, " she said, starting to cry openly at the thought of losing her sister.
"I'll learn .. . oh Ollie, don't cry, please .. . just do this for me. One last time. Three months. That's all I want. I'll sail in three weeks, and I'll come back by the end of summer. I have to do this.
All my life I've been reading about things, going to meetings, caring about causes, I've always been on the sidelines, I've never done anything important. I've never done anything for anyone .. . not like you, you do it in small ways, but you make a difference. I've done nothing." She sounded so determined that it frightened her sister.
Olivia realized again that they were, in fact, very different.
"Stay here, and you can fold linens for me. You don't have to go anywhere. You can help me replant the garden .. . oh Victoria, " she sobbed, "don't go .. . please .. . what if something happens to you?
" She couldn't bear the thought of it, of losing her for a day or an hour, let alone forever. It was hard enough getting used to her living in New York, but at least it was only an hour away.
And it took all of Olivia's self-control constantly not to be there with her.
"Nothing will happen to me, I swear." The two sisters held each other close in the room they had slept in together for twenty years until Victoria's wedding, and now without her, even the room seemed too empty.
"I can't live like this anymore. We're all wrong for each other.
We'll have to leave each other eventually, or maybe after I go away, things will be different."
"Why don't you tell him that, " Olivia said sensibly, blowing her nose in her handkerchief, "why don't you explain it to him. He's an intelligent man, he might understand it."
"He'll never let me go, " Victoria said with certainty, and Olivia couldn't honestly tell her she disagreed with her.
"And if I take your place? " Olivia looked at her pensively.
"Then they'll think I've gone? " Olivia suddenly looked startled It was so unlike her.
"We could say you've gone to California for a few months, just to think, because it's so hard for you without me."
"Every one will think I'm a monster leaving Father. So do I. So will he, " she said, shaking her head again. She just couldn't do it.
But Victoria had actually made her think about it.
"I think Father would understand, " Victoria said hopefully, amazed that the conversation had gone this far, and suddenly very excited.
And then Olivia looked at her and shook her head. She had thought of something else. It was impossible. She was not going to do that for her sister.
But Victoria already knew what she was thinking. "He won't touch you.
There's nothing between us anymore. Not in months. And there won't be again. Neither of us want it." Olivia was shocked to hear it.
All this time, she had been hoping there would be a baby.
"Why? " He seemed so vital and so alive and so warm, and he was still so young. She couldn't understand it, and wondered suddenly if it was her sister who had ordained it.
"I don't know why, " Victoria said thoughtfully, "too many ghosts . .. Susan .. . Toby .. . something's wrong between us, we both knew it. I think it's just that we don't love each other."
"I don't believe that, " Olivia said firmly.
"It's true, " Victoria said, looking hard at her, "we don't. I don't love him, Ollie. I don't think I ever will. It's not there and it never will be."
"And when you come back? What will be different then? "
"Maybe I'll have the courage to really leave him." Olivia was devastated to hear it.
"And if I don't switch for you? "
"I'll leave anyway. I won't tell him where I've gone, I don't want him to find me. I'll come back when I'm ready. I'll write to you, at the house on Fifth Avenue. You can pick the letters up there easily and no one will know." She had given it a great deal of thought and Olivia was even more shocked as she listened.
The biggest stumbling block for her was their father. She was afraid she'd break his heart, and yet the tie between the twins was stronger than the tie to him, and even she knew it. She always felt pulled by everything her sister wanted. And yet, this was utter madness and she knew it. She couldn't take her place with a husband and a child, it was an insane thing to do, and then she thought of Geoffrey.
"He would know, Victoria. He's the only one we can't fool, except for Bertie."
"You can if you want to, if you act more like me. Don't be so nice to him, " she grinned, and Olivia wagged a finger at her.
"Shame on you. How can you say that? "
"Because I'm awful and I love you .. . all right, I'll be nicer to him for the next three weeks, and to Charles, and then it won't be such a big change for them when you take my place. I'll stop smoking entirely .. . oh God, what a thought .. ." she grinned, "and I'll only have a little sherry, and only when Charles offers it to me." She was smiling from ear to ear and Olivia looked like a recalcitrant bride as she glared at her sister.
"Those are major sacrifices, " she said sarcastically and then looked seriously at her sister. What makes you think I'm going to do it?
" she said coyly.
"Are you? " Victoria held her breath as she waited.
"I don't know."
"Will you think about it? "
"Maybe." It was a chance to be with them, and more importantly an opportunity to keep Victoria from completely destroying her marriage. If Olivia took her place, she might be able to keep Charles from ever knowing she'd been gone, and then Victoria could come back and resume everything, having come to her senses. He might never know anything had ever happened.
But if Olivia didn't take her place, Victoria would simply leave in three weeks, and slam the door carelessly behind her.
Perhaps keeping her from doing that was even more important than caring for their father. And she'd be nearby. She would be in New York, she could come up any time he needed her. She knew it wouldn't be the same thing, but it was the best she could do if she was mending Victoria's fences.
"Will you? " Victoria was watching her, seeing everything she was thinking. "He'll be all right, and you won't be far."
"No, I won't, but he'll think I've gone running off without a care for him. That's a terrible thing to do, " Olivia said sadly.
"Maybe you owe him that, " Victoria said far more unkindly. "He thinks nothing of keeping you here for the rest of your life, taking care of him, so you can't find a husband." There was a certain truth to that but Olivia laughed at the way she said it.
"I don't want a husband, thank you very much, " she said firmly.
"I'm fine as I am." But if things had been different, and Victoria hadn't married Charles, she might have loved being with him. She would never know now. She couldn't even let herself think it. Even if she took her sister's place, it would only be for a short time, and to help all of them, not for her own gain, or just to be with him. She would never have done it for just that reason, she told herself, and tried desperately to believe it, fearing suddenly that the whole idea was far too attractive.
"You can have my husband, " Victoria said happily, "for as long as you like. Three months or forever." She was teasing but not entirely and Olivia looked shocked. Victoria hadn't entirely forgotten that Olivia had once been somewhat taken with him, but that was long past, and she also knew that Olivia would never have tried to take her husband from her. She was far too decent, loyal, and honest.
And Olivia's emotions were well in control now. She had never let herself think of Charles romantically since the day they'd been married, and she genuinely wanted him to be happy with her sister.
"You'd better come back at the end of the summer, or I'll tell everyone the truth and come over to get you myself, " Olivia said emphatically, and victoria laughed.
They'd probably put us both in jail.
"And you'd probably like that." Olivia groaned at the thought.
"I might. victoria laughed again and threw her arms around her sister, praying she would do it. It was the first glimpse of freedom she'd had ever since her disastrous affair with Toby. And she had paid a high price for her sins with him. Now she wanted her freedom. "Please say you ll do it, Olivia .. . please .. . I'll behave for the rest of my life, I swear. I'll knit doilies for you .. . shine your shoes .
.
. I ll never ask you to switch again. Just do it for me now, please ... "Only if you promise to come back and be an wife and mother.
-------no But victoria's smile faded at that request and she looked pensive.
"I can't promise you that. I don't know what will happen. Maybe he won't want me back, she said, thinking aloud.
"Then he must never know you were gone, Olivia said softly. When do you leave? "
"On May first." It was three weeks away, almost time enough to prepare their father, and do anything else she had to do before stepping into victoria's shoes. The two women exchanged a long hard glance, and then slowly Olivia nodded. Victoria let out a victorious whoop, and they embraced and for an insane moment, Olivia was startled to realize she actually felt elated. They talked about it excitedly for the next few minutes, like two extremely naughty children with an outrageous plan, as Olivia wondered what she had gotten herself into.
She was sure that in the next few weeks there would be doubts, but she was equally sure that victoria would never let her back out now.
They walked downstairs arm in arm, and Geoffrey was in the front hall, playing with his cannon, and instinctively they both knew what they had to do, without saying a word to each other. Victoria slipped her left hand in her pocket so he wouldn't see her wedding ring, and smiled warmly down at him.
"That looks like a great game, she beamed, and then tousled his hair gently. Can I interest you in some lemonade and cookies? He beamed up at her adoringly and then shot twelve of his little soldiers with the cannon, and knocked them down as Olivia frowned at him.
"I wish you wouldn't play that game. it's so stupid, she said, walking coolly by him, waiting to see if he would believe her. But he cast an uninterested glance over his shoulder and went back to his game with a muttered apology.
"Sorry, victoria, Dad said I could .. . And then he winked at the woman he thought was Ollie and wasn t. They both went out to the kitchen then and Olivia was amazed. It was the first time they had ever fooled him.
"You'll be fine, victoria whispered to her, as Olivia poured the glass of lemonade for Geoffrey, wondering if she would be just as lucky with his father.
Chapter 19.
The hardest part of leaving, for Olivia, was figuring out what to say to her father. He was feeling better than he had in months these days, stronger too, and he was even thinking about going to New York to visit his daughter, but Olivia told him she didn't think he should yet.
It would complicate everything if he did. She reminded him that Victoria and Geoff were both coming up in June, to spend the month with them, and it was only a little over a month away. He was far better off staying comfortably at home in Croton in the meantime.
That summer Charles was renting a house for them by the sea, and Geoff and Victoria would be in Newport for July and August. Charles had even invited her to join them. Little did he know now that she would be with them constantly. And by the time they got back, hopefully, the real Victoria would be home from Europe. Olivia had already gotten her passport out, and had it safely put away to give her sister.
"How do you suppose they're doing? " her father surprised her by asking her one day, just as she was thinking about the letter she would have to write to him, telling him she had gone off to California. She was going to tell him it was a religious retreat, and pray that he believed her.
"I worry about her sometimes, " he said honestly. "Charles is a fine man.
But one senses at times that she isn't happy with him." Olivia was shocked by the observations of her father.
"I'm not sure that's true." It seemed safer to deny it now, in .
view of what they were going to do. "I think it's been a fairly normal adjustment. He was very fond of his wife, I'm sure that's difficult for him, and for Geoff .. ." But her father was right, and she knew it.
"I hope you're right. She seemed very restless when she was here, and very nervous." Oh God .. . Olivia had to turn away from him as her eyes filled with tears, hating the thought that in a few days she was going to hurt him. And then he startled her even more when she turned back to him again. "And you, my dear? You're not too lonely here with me, without your sister? "
"I miss her sometimes .. . terribly .
.
." she said, her voice hoarse with emotion, "but I love you, Father .
.. wherever I am, I'll always love you." He saw something strange in her eyes then, something he had seen there before, but thought was best left unspoken.
"You're a good girl, " he patted her hand, "and I love you too, " he said, as he walked out into the garden.
And that night, she echoed the same words to him in her letter.
She was going to take the letter to New York with her, and bring it back when Victoria left, pretending to be her sister. It was absurdly complicated, but it was the only way she could think of to do it. She could hardly leave the letter here with Bertie now, and ask her to give it to him three days later.
In the end, all she could say was that, as he had guessed, it had been very hard for her without Victoria, and that now she must find her way alone, and find herself. And in order to do it she had gone away for a few months, to visit friends, and pursue a religious retreat in California. It sounded faintly mad, even to her, but she couldn't think of what else to tell him. She assured him that she would be safe, that she would write to them, and that she would be back at the end of the summer. She had said that a friend from school had invited her, but as she and Victoria hadn't been in school for the past ten years, it was a bit of an odd story, but she hoped he wouldn't notice.
More than anything, she assured him of how much she loved him, that he had done nothing to drive her away, but that she needed this time for herself, and that she would come back better and stronger, and more devoted to him than ever. It was, in fact, exactly what she hoped for her sister.
But her tears fell liberally I on the page as she wrote it. Her eyes were so blurred she could hardly sign her name. And then she wrote another to Geoff, and sealed it too, and a short one to Bertie that said only, ".. . I'll be back soon ..
. take care of Daddy .. . I love you .. . Ollie." It was enough, she could hardly breathe by then, and as she lay in bed the night before she left, she wondered at the madness that had seized them.
Victoria was crazy to do what she was doing, and she was obviously crazier for switching places with her. She only hoped that some good would come of it, that her father's health wouldn't fail, and that Charles didn't discover what Victoria had done, and divorce her. There was a lot resting on Olivia's shoulders, and when she woke up the next morning, she was determined to talk Victoria out of it, but she knew her twin well enough to know that Victoria would die first.
Olivia kissed her father good-bye before she left, and she stood with her arms around his neck and her cheek against his, wishing she could stay there with him forever. It was a good life for her, and though she might have once longed for other things, she accepted it now, and she was genuinely going to miss him.
"Have fun in New York, and buy some pretty things for both of you, " he told her with a warm hug, and she felt the knife of guilt slice through her heart as she held him.
"I love you, Daddy, " she whispered. She hadn't called him that in years, and he kissed her and went out to walk in the garden.
She was unusually silent on the ride to New York, even Donovan commented on it afterwards. But later it all made sense to them.
She had been feeling guilty about running away to California. It would never occur to anyone that she was still in New York, openly living with Charles Dawson, and pretending to be her sister. That was beyond all their imaginations.
Olivia arrived at the house at three o'clock before Geoff came home from school, and Victoria was waiting. She was businesslike and cool, but Olivia could also tell she was very excited. She was sailing for Europe the next morning. Olivia had thought of coming down a few days before, but they had both agreed that they would be too nervous and it might arouse suspicion, and Olivia had wanted to spend as much time as possible with their father.
She handed Victoria her passport now. She would be traveling as Olivia Henderson, and not Victoria Dawson. The photograph obviously did not present a problem. There were some other papers, some keys, some notes about servants' names, things she had to know, like the name of Charles' secretary, and Geoffs teacher, but it was all surprisingly simple.
There were so few details, so little to do. All Olivia had to do was step into her sister's shoes the next morning. It terrified her to think of it.
And when Geoff came home from school, Oh-via still looked shaken.
"Is something wrong, Aunt Ollie? " he asked, looking worried.
