Mirror Image, page 27
But he gave his wife a lovely !
.
stomacher and a pair of diamond earrings, which went perfectly with the necklace from their father. And with a chaste kiss on the cheek, he gave Olivia a warm scarf and a book of poetry. Victoria was startled to notice afterwards that the book had been Susan's.
"Why would he give that to you? " Victoria looked puzzled.
"Maybe it upset him to keep it. And you hate poetry, he couldn't give it to you, could he? " She smiled, feeling faintly awkward. But it was a book she knew and loved, and she had been touched by his inscription.
He had known exactly what she would like. Apparently, it had been a favorite of Susan's.
But the real fireworks came when Olivia gave Geoffrey two small guns and an antique cannon and a whole army of little soldiers. Their uniforms were actually accurate, and there were French and German ones, and British and Australian. She had ordered them months before, and he was ecstatic, as Victoria stared at her sister in outrage.
"How could you give him something like that? " she said, far too loud for Christmas morning. But she was literally shaking. "How could you give him something so revolting? Why not cover them all in blood, for Heaven's sake? It would be far more honest, if you did that." There were tears in her eyes, and she was genuinely upset over her sister's gift.
And it made matters even worse when it was obvious he found Victoria's complicated game impossible to understand and very boring.
"I had no idea you'd object .. ." Olivia looked crestfallen.
"They're just toys, Victoria. And he likes them. He loves playing soldier."
"I don't know or care what he likes. There are men dying by the thousands out there, in trenches all over Europe. It's not a game, it's not fun. They're men that people love .. . and you're making little toys of them. I can't bear it." She turned away with tears in her eyes, and Geoffrey asked his father in a worried whisper if he had to give them back to Aunt Ollie. Charles shook his head reassuringly and a little while later, he and Victoria dressed and went for a walk to the place where her mother was buried.
"I don't think you should have been quite so upset, " he said gently.
"Your sister didn't mean any harm. I don't think she under stood the violence of your feelings." Neither did he for that matter. In fact, he understood almost nothing about her, and they both knew it.
"I can't do this anymore, " she said, looking at him miserably.
"I can't be your wife. I'm not cut out for this, Charles. Every one can see it but you. Even Geoff knows." She felt awful about the gift, and even about the book he had given her sister. It wasn't that she was jealous of her, it was just that she felt she was in the wrong shoes, constantly, and she was tired of it. "It was wrong of me to let Father push me into getting married. I should have let him send me away somewhere, and forget about me. I just can't do this, " she started to sob, and he looked extremely unhappy, and then he decided to ask her what he had wondered ever since the party at the Astors'.
"Are you seeing him again? Is that it? " he asked bleakly as she stared at him, wondering how he knew Toby had even tried to get back into her life. It might have been simpler if she had let him, but she didn't want that now either.
"No, that's not it, " she said coldly. "Is that what you think?
That I'm cheating on you? I wish I were, it might be more entertaining." But she was sorry for saying that too. She was sorry for everything, but she just couldn't do it. And he didn't say anything to her as they stood there, next to her mother's grave, as Victoria cried and he felt totally helpless.
"I don't know what to say." He was sorry he had mentioned Toby, but he had wondered when the cook had told him about the roses she had thrown away. She thought it was a shocking waste, couldn't imagine who had done it, and wanted to tell him about it before someone else did.
She had even rescued the card which said only "Please see me." But that had told him everything, or so he thought. But apparently, he'd been wrong.
Not that that changed any of what Victoria was saying.
"Do you want me to leave? " She turned and looked at him in despair, and this time he came and put an arm around her.
"Of course not. I want you to stay. We'll work it out. It's only been six months. They say the first year is the hardest in any marriage."
But it hadn't been that way for him before. The first year with Susan had been idyllic. "I'll try and be more reasonable, and you try and be more patient. What do you want to do about Geoffrey and his little army? I don't think he's anxious to give it up, but if you want me to, I'll discuss it with him."
"No." She blew her nose in his handkerchief and wished she had a cigarette. "He'd hate me for it, more than he already does. That was such a stupid game I bought him. I don't know what he likes, and the woman in the store said he'd love it. I can't even understand it."
"Neither can I, " he laughed, "but I'll learn. I can learn anything, " he said gently, "if you teach me." But she didn't want to teach him anything. She wanted to run away. That was all she could think of.
They walked slowly back to the house eventually, and they both seemed considerably calmer, but that afternoon she went to find Olivia who was sorting through some linens with Bertie.
"I'm sorry about the guns, " Olivia said, looking genuinely remorseful as Bertie left them. "I had no idea they would upset you so much.
" They were wearing identical green dresses, and each of them had on identical emerald earrings. They both loved being together again, and they exchanged a silent smile that spoke volumes.
"It's all right. Maybe I'm just stupid. I've gotten all involved in what's happening over there, and it's so real to me. At times I forget that we're not part of it. I'm glad Father sold the steel mill at least, though I'll bet he's not. I'd probably be demonstrating outside and getting arrested." They both laughed at her honesty, and Victoria sat down in a chair next to her sister. And Olivia could see immediately, even before she spoke, that her twin wanted something. It took a minute, but then Victoria looked up at her mournfully and spoke in a conspiratorial whisper. "You've got to get me out of this, Ollie.
For a little while at least. Before it drives me completely crazy. I just can't do this." Olivia looked at her uncomfortably, worried about what she was going to ask her, but she could already see it coming, and she didn't want to hear it. "Should I say no before you ask, or let you ask and then tell you I don't want to hear it? " Victoria lowered her voice still further. "Ollie .. . switch . we II l with me, please . .. just for a while .. . let me go somewhere, please, just to think . .. I don't know what I'm doing." Her eyes begged her twin to listen to her, and Olivia could see easily the pain she was in, but she was certain that switching was not the answer.
Victoria just had to face it. She had made an arrangement, Charles was a good man, and she just had to adjust to it. Running away was not going to make anything better. But Olivia shook her head as she listened.
"You're right, you don't know what you're doing, " she said in a whisper. "Switching would be disastrous. What if he found out?
What am I supposed to do? I can't pretend to be his wife. He would know in five minutes. And even if he didn't, it's the wrong thing to do.
Victoria, I won't do it, " she said, and Victoria knew she meant it.
Tears filled her eyes and she grabbed her sister's hand and begged her.
"I know it's wrong. But it was wrong when we cheated in school, and it was just as wrong whenever you lied for me, and pretended you were me and you weren't. We've done it a thousand times. And I swear, he'll never know .. . he can't tell us apart and you know it."
"He'll figure it out eventually. Or Geoff will. Besides, I won't even discuss this with you. No! Do you hear me? " She wasn't really angry at her, but she wanted to be sure that Victoria knew it wasn't an option.
But Victoria didn't even argue about it, she just nodded and got up, and looked at Olivia in despair, which made it even worse. And then she walked slowly away from her sister.
Chapter 18.
They didn't discuss switching again during her stay, but Victoria seemed unusually subdued when they left. And Olivia was worried about her.
She wanted to go to the city to see how she was in a week or two, but their father took a turn for the worse again, and the pneumonia returned with a vengeance. It was a narrow scrape for him, and then Olivia came down with a nasty case of influenza. In the end, it was late February before Olivia was able to get back to the city. And nothing had changed between them. If anything, Victoria seemed a little more brittle about things.
She seemed to snap at everyone more easily. And Charles looked even worse than she did. And on Olivia's second day there, Geoff began running a fever.
Victoria was out when Olivia discovered it, and by late that afternoon, he was almost delirious and Olivia had called the doctor. She called Charles at work too, and he came straight home to see him.
"Where is she? " he asked about Victoria, and Olivia had to admit to him that she had no idea, though she hated to do it. And by then, spots had begun to appear, and he had a ghastly cough. The doctor said it was a bad case of the measles.
Victoria came home at seven o'clock that night, after a particularly interesting lecture at the British Consulate about the viciousness of German U-boats. They had just formed a blockade of Britain. There had been a high tea afterwards and Victoria had gotten drawn into lengthy discussions. She hadn't even thought of calling Charles and telling him she'd be late for dinner. She was hoping he'd be home late too, but bad luck for her he'd been home all afternoon with Geoffrey.
Olivia was quietly sponging the child's brow when she came in, and there was a hush in the house that only happens in the event of death or severe illness.
"What happened to him? " Victoria whispered to her from the doorway when she saw him, and Olivia tiptoed over to her, looking like her own image approaching in the mirror.
"He's got measles. Poor kid. He's really very sick. I wish I had him in Croton. I was thinking about sending for Bertie. He's going to be down for a couple of weeks, and he'll probably feel just awful. I can stay if you'd like." She glanced at Victoria, but she already knew the answer.
"Oh God .. . please .. . how's Charles? " She wanted to know if he was angry.
"I think he was worried about you." It was a polite way of saying that he was furious she was late, and suspicious of where she had gone, but he said it all to her that night, in their bedroom.
"And where did you say you were? " he asked nastily for the second time.
The kind of tone he had taken with her was most unlike him.
"I told you. The British Consulate. At a talk about U-boats."
"How fascinating. My son has a fever of a hundred and five, and you're learning about U-boats. Fantastic."
"I'm not clairvoyant, Charles.
I didn't know he'd get sick today, " she said calmly. More calmly than she felt. In the past eight months, they had become experts at fighting. Better undoubtedly than the captains of the U-boats, and surely just as deadly.
"You're supposed to be here for him, " he shouted at her. "I'm not supposed to have to come from the office because no one can find his mother."
"His mother is dead, Charles. I'm just standing in, " she said coldly.
"And not very well, I might add. Your sister pays more attention to him than you do."
"Then you should have married her. She'd make a much better wife.
She has far better domestic skills than I do."
"Your father didn't offer her. He offered you, " he said unhappily, hating himself for the kind of things he said to her. But their life together had been such a disappointment to both of them, and neither of them knew what to do about it. There was no way out. They just had to live with each other till it killed them. She had already mentioned divorce to him, but to Charles that was out of the question.
"Perhaps if you go back to Father he'll be willing to exchange us for each other. Like shoes that don't fit. Why don't you ask him? " she snarled at him, feeling every bit as trapped as he did. And the fact that they had no physical relationship whatsoever anymore had virtually ended whatever they might have had between them. Their last futile attempt at making love had been in January, and they had each silently vowed never to try it again, and they hadn't. It was too disappointing, and much too depressing. It was just a mirror for all their ills, and all that had never been and never could be. Charles was determined never to lay a hand on her again, even if it meant being abstinent for the rest of his life. It just wasn't worth it. And Victoria felt the same.
She had no desire at all to continue frustrating him and herself for no purpose.
"I don't find your suggestions amusing, " he said to his wife darkly.
"Or your behavior. And I expect to see you here every day, with our son .. . my son, if you prefer it that way .. . with your hand on his brow, or spooning broth into him until he recovers. Is that quite clear? "
"Yes, sir, " she said, curtseying to him like a maid in a French farce on Broadway. And then, more seriously. "Do you mind if my sister stays to help me? "
"To take care of him for you, you mean, " he said viciously but with truth, as Victoria knew. She had no idea how to care for sick children.
"I don't care which one of you takes care of him. I can't tell the difference between you anyway, " he said, looking distraught, "just so one of you does it."
"I'll take care of it, " she said, and left the room to find her sister.
She wished that she could sleep with her that night, but she !
knew that would enrage Charles even further. Although he had no intention of laying a hand on her, he didn't like other people knowing their business, especially her sister.
"How is he? " Olivia asked quietly about Charles, from the foot of Geoffrey's bed. He was sleeping, and the fever had not yet broken.
"Not pleased, to say the least." Victoria smiled at her. Even under these circumstances, it was good to be together. It was such a relief to be with her, to be able to talk to her, even to confide in her, as much as she dared to. It was actually embarrassing to admit to her how far their marriage had deteriorated, but she could sense that Olivia knew anyway, and she had heard him shouting.
In the end they were together for nearly a month, in the little house on the East River. Geoffrey was sick for three weeks, and Olivia never left him alone for a moment. Charles was aware of it, though he was under the impression that Victoria had done at least some of the nursing. He had seen her sitting by his bedside at times, and he was relieved to see that. What he didn't know was that it had always been Olivia, and she had let him think it was her sister. It was the only deception she would allow. But at least Victoria hadn't asked her to switch again, as she had over Christmas, and Olivia was relieved to think that she had come to her senses about it.
Relations between them did appear to be strained, but Olivia was still convinced that, with time, and love on both sides, they would make it.
Maybe even if there was a child, Victoria hadn't told her that there was no chance of it, and never would be.
She also didn't tell her sister that Charles had recently repeated his accusation that she was seeing Toby. He found it hard to believe that a woman who had so far forgotten herself before, and been willing to risk so much for a man, would be willing to give it all up now, and live the life of a nun. Particularly since he never knew where she was, or where she was going. Her activities were all harmless actually, but she thought it was none of his business what she did, and particularly with the kind of people she had been meeting lately. She had met a general at the French Embassy, and several colonels at the British Club who had impressed on her how great the need was for people to come to Europe and do anything they could to help the people who were dying there. Their pleas had haunted her. But she didn't say anything about it to Olivia either.
When she finally went home again at the end of March, Olivia was absolutely exhausted. It was a strain being with them, in that small house, and nursing Geoffrey had taken all of her energy and attention.
It was a relief to get out in the fresh air again, and ride her horse.
And even as much as she loved her, it was a relief not to see her sister, or her family until Easter. They came to Croton then, and they were all more subdued this year. Victoria and Charles felt as though they'd been at war for ten months, and Geoffrey was still a little worn-out after the measles. But Olivia had nursed him well and he had made a complete recovery. Two little girls in his class had died in the epidemic.
Olivia was particularly grateful that he had done so well when she heard about them. And Charles had made a point of thanking her one afternoon as they walked the grounds, and her heart went out to him, as they looked out over the Hudson River in silence. She sensed a vast sorrow in him. He knew what he had done. He had once had love, and he had settled for something less in a foolish moment. He had thought he was doing it for his son, but in truth he had been protecting himself too from future pain, and he had been wrong to do it.
He looked down at Olivia for a long moment, and said nothing to her, and then they turned around and went back to the house. She tucked a hand into his arm, and just feeling her empathy for him stirred him, and he gently pulled away from her. It was painful being close to anyone now, particularly his wife's far more compassionate sister. He didn't want to be reminded of what was missing in his marriage. And although it hurt her when he pulled away, Olivia instinctively understood that.
Olivia was beginning to think that her sister had resigned herself to her fate too, when she suddenly slipped into their old room the day before they left and looked long and hard at her sister.
"I have to talk to you, " Victoria said, looking tense, and for a mad moment Olivia hoped she was going to tell her she was pregnant. It might be the answer to everything, a bond which would finally join them.
But she was not prepared for what Victoria said to her instead.
